Last Week: The Miz for some reason thought it would be a great idea to captain a team consisting of a Rubber Band and a Wadded Up Ball of Paper. John Cena finally got on the same page with <The Nexus> about being a huge jerk, unfortunately the two pages were from entirely different books. And Goldust. Can’t forget about Goldust. Or maybe we will…TONIGHT!

Teddy Long: Holla Holla Playas! Smackdown has come to RAW! Just like we do every couple weeks, but this time it’s different! Because…um…Anyway, I know what you must be thinking. Why, Teddy Long must be the RAW GM! But-

Michael Cole: Just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager. It reads, and I quote, “I am not Teddy Long. Holla Holla, playa.”

Long: Well spoken. I couldn’t have said it better myself. But-

Cole: It also says that you’re not supposed to be on RAW at all, and that this isn’t the place to advertise for SyFy. So you have to leave right now.

Long: No, I don’t.

Cole: Yes, you do!

Long: Make me!

Cole goes for his gong, but the e-mail noise stops him.

Long: Michael! Turn that damn thing off!

Cole: Fine! I will! But I hope you’re happy. That was my grandma, and now I’ll never know how her bridge game with Millie went.

But now how will the RAW GM communicate with Cole? Other than the 10 billion other ways he could communicate with Michael Cole?

Long: Thank you. Now I am leaving. Here’s The Big Show.

The Big Show: Thanks, Teddy. I’m really excited about Team Smackdown’s chances at whatever this PPV is called. It’s really going to be something. First we have Edge! Who is a guy we all know. And then we have Alberto Del Rio, who is like a Hispanic JBL, whatever that means. Then there’s Kofi Kingston, who you might all remember as WWE RAW Superstar Kofi Johnston, but probably not. Then Jack Swagger along with his mascot, The Legal Eagle.

Wade Barrett: Hi, everyone!

Show: And Rey Misterio? I guess? And this guy! Who is…a…um…?

Tyler Reks: I’m Tyler Reks, an-

Show: Oook. Nobody cares. This is the guy who we’re going to let job to a member of Team RAW so they don’t feel too bad about themselves. But seriously, from a team of seven that’s what, five guys you’ve actually heard of? Not too bad, right? Hell, we’ll call it six because Wade’s our mascot.

The Miz: Oh thanks a lot! You know what’s going to be really embarrassing? When your team of guys people have actually heard of loses to a team of guys who weren’t doing anything else that day!

Alex Riley: Yeah, check this team of losers out!

Miz: Alex, no! I…oh never mind. Here’s CM Punk, who is, improbably, a former World Heavyweight Champion! And John Morrison, who may have won a match once. And Santino Marella who…I….

Miz breaks down sobbing.

Miz: I didn’t even WANT to be the captain. I just thought, “Oh, goodie! Some TV time!” But look at these guys? Who else is left? Huh? Who else? Ezekial Jackson? That guy was awful before he disappeared for seven months, and now he’s back? For what? To hang out with Sheamus so he can call me a Fella? Wonderful. And R-Truth? The guy was too good to even show up for this show, and he’s awful. What does that tell you about what a failure I am?!

Show: Aw, that’s not so bad. You’ve got a couple guys there. Sheamus seems like he’s ok! And Punk. He’s Paramore’s favorite wrestler, right? That’s got to count for something. Anyway, do you want to have a match tonight?

Miz: Yes. And please end my career.

At this point, Show starts stomping around and gobbling like a turkey.

CM Punk: Huh. A month too late, but my Straight Edge hypnosis finally took hold!

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Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre vs. The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya)
In a Non-Title Match

Aw! Non-title? That’s no fun. Michael Cole is petting his laptop sadly, as though Teddy telling him to turn it off killed it and the RAW GM. They should send all their messages via messenger plane now. Kid and Canadian Bulldog are hugely over, of course, because we’re in Montreal, which is crazy town central for all things vaguely Canadian. Tyson goes for the Hart attack…on an empty ring. Smith isn’t much better, as he attempts to put himself in the Sharpshooter and twists his own leg, which allows McIntyre to roll him up for the win. Tyson Kidd doesn’t really care about this team anymore. Hey, buddy, that’s a one way ticket to FCW And wrestling G-Rilla every week.

Backstage….

John Cena: No, man. I’ll see what I can do for you! You wan tto legend kill? No problem! Wet willies to the entire remaining cast of Girl nXt? Just blame it on Wade Barrett!

Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and current holster of the NCAA Girl’s Chocolatechip. Joe Cedar, I wouldn’t join <The Next Us> if you paid for me. Blamering Wayne Brady for all my programs is the cowherd’s way out!

Cena: I don’t even know you anymore!

Orton: Joe, I can’t not wait to punt you to living with Chad Jericurl in an terrible sitcom on the USAid Network.

Cena: I’m going to break your ankle. I have never hated anyone more than “Superface” Randy Orton. Can’t you go back to pooping in people’s bags and blowing up hotels?

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R-Truth cannot be on RAW tonight because he’s too busy trying to figure out the lyrics to his own theme song. Well…Good luck? In case you’re suffering from R-Truth withdrawal though, here is a shot of him dancing all up ons Eve Torres.

Zack Ryder vs. Goldust (w/ Aksana)

Nice to see Goldy’s wife is getting involved in his business. That’s worked out so well for him in the past, you know. I wonder what Linda’s opponent thinks about WWE’s blatant overstepping of the INS in this case. Ted DiBiase and Maryse are on the entrance ramp, because they love watching terrible wrestling. Or they want the Million Dollar Belt back. Whichever. Goldust literally won as soon as he entered the ring. Zack Ryder is the worst wrestler in the company. DiBiase tries to use the “match” as a distraction for stealing the belt, but Aksana already left with it, like, ten minutes ago. Goldust punches DiBiase in the balls for good measure.

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Backstage….

Wade Barrett: Alright, I’m thinking about letting Husky Harris and Michael McGillicutty join <The Nexus>.

Heath Slater: Are you kidding me?! Those guys have ridiculous names! We’re big enough jokes as it is.

Barrett: Ok, your character’s name is xXCloudSpherothxX, Heath. So you have no right to be talking about people’s names. Additionally, we’ve got two extra Blizzcon tickets, and they said we could sell their goodie bags.

John Cena: You guys didn’t tell me we were going to Blizzcon! I’ll go start packing my stuff!

Barrett: Oh no. You can’t go.

Justin Gabriel: Yeah, sorry, man. We just don’t have enough tickets.

Cena: But you just said-

Barrett: No I didn’t.

Cena: But…But…Aw.

Elsewhere….

Bobb’e J. Thompson: Hell yeah! I can’t believe those Jackasses just gave me Monday Night RAW! I can’t wait to make sweeping changes around here!

The Miz: Who the hell are you?

Bobb’e: Bobb’e J. Thompson? No? I’m the new motion picture The Knucklehead! I was on The Tracy Morgan Show?

Miz: Somehow, I have even less of an idea of who you are now.

The Big Show: Yeah, I’m pretty much the star of The Knucklehead and I don’t have a clue who you are or how you ended up owning RAW. Oh! Hey, Miz, I was supposed to tell you that Alex Riley had to leave tonight. Because I punched him in the face.

Miz: Well…Thanks for saving me the trouble of doing it myself.

Show: That’s what friends are for, buddy!

Back backstage….

John Cena: Hey! Guys! I had to pay $400, but I got a Blizzcon Ticket from a shady guy on Craigslist! I can’t wait to chill with you guys, pwn some nerds, and watch Tenacious D!

Wade Barrett: Great. You can hold our spots in all the lines. See you there, John.

And then Wade drinks a glass of water.

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Randy Orton and John Cena vs. Husky Harris and Michael McGillicutty

Orton just looks so depressed to be out here tonight. Cena pours some water down his shirt to get the lady fans to scream for him again. I don’t know how a guy who’s primary audience is women and kids wants to go to Blizzcon. I mean, I know I don’t have any female or child fans. That’s why I feel so comfortable there. So Randy is defending the Spinnin’ Title at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE nXt Presents WWE Bragging Rights? I had no idea! Who’s he facing? <The Nexus> comes out to watch the match and John jumps up and down. I think he’s happy to see his buddies. Awww!

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Randy’s actually moving around after the break rather than locking in a CHINLOCK~! I think that this is the closest thing we’re ever get to growth from him at this point. Cena tags in and the non-Blizzcon going audience goes wild. Cena though, of course, suddenly can’t do anything, and ends up stumbling to the amazing offense of “Husky” Harris. Cena though with a tag, and Husky is finally out of breath, and he falls over. Orton wins! nXt swarms the ring and hits their moves (Those Are Their Moves)! Cena watches with a smirk. Barrett orders him to give Orton the Attitude Adjustment, but when Cena’s all too eager, Barrett hits the Wasteland instead. Cena’s clearly pretty disappointed, but he’s still happy to see Orton get moves done to him.

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Vickie Guerrero is out. Oh. Wonderful

Vickie Guerrero: It’s been too long since I managed to worm my way onto Monday Night RAW for no real reason. But with Bragging Rights right around the corner, there’s no reason for my man for my man Dolph Ziggler not to have a match.

Dolph Ziggler: Yeah. Because for some odd reason, I am the Intercontinental Champion. Not that I’m complaining. It’s just…Even I realize that I’m Dolph Ziggler. I even said so out loud for, like, ten months. That was my entire gimmick.

Daniel Bryan: You think that’s bad, try being Daniel Bryan. I’m the best wrestler in the company and they have no idea what to do with me! I’ve got stock theme music! Bad ring gear! A neck beard. Listen, Ziggy, I know what you’re going through. Let’s just have a match and wallow in our self pity.

Dolph: That sounds…fine?

Dolph and Dan stand around awkwardly for a few seconds until they’re broken up by the RAW Divas Locker Room. Gail Kim throws confetti on Vickie. She’s a regular Rip Taylor. Rip Taylor joke! I did it. I’ve finally reached the end of my jokes. Bryan is immediately all up ons the Divas after Dolph and Vickie leave. Play on, playa.

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Natalya vs. Alicia Fox

Ah yes. We are in Hart territory. I’m sure Bret and Bruce are somewhere, arguing about who sucked worse. Alicia starts off on offense, and then sort of loses interest in winning the match, and ends up locked in the Sharpshooter instead. Natalya wins! LayCool is out and rolling their eyes at the Canadian crowd already. I don’t think the crowd can officially boo Layla. Michelle locks in the World’s Worst Sharpshooter (breaking Mick Foley’s old record) and Layla takes a picture to send to the Hall of Fame for that prestigious honor. Natalya gets up to celebrate with them, but they bail.

Backstage…

Teddy Long: Holla Holla playas! Smackdown’s takeover of RAW is going terrible. There’s some little kid from Whoopi running around here, all of our guys are getting confetti thrown on them or getting laughed at by The Miz…It’s just awful.

The Big Show: Hey, now! Everybody laughs at me. That’s not a Smackdown versus RAW thing.

Hornswoggle: HUSS! HUSS!!

Long: Ugh. Why did I agree to take that job back again? At least Tiffany doesn’t hit me any more.

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WWE really wants me to send the media my thoughts about the WWE Product. I…don’t think that’s such a good idea, you guys. I mean, have you read anything I’ve written? Maybe if Richard Blumenthal read Lance and Rob are friends, it’d flip his whole perspective on the wrestling business.

Backstage, Wade Barrett is giving John Cena a playful noogie. Cena no-sells it.

Elsewhere, Miz and Show are playing the hell out of Let’s Go Fishin’.

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The Big Show (w/ Bobb’e J. Thompson) vs. The Miz

Bobb’e Jay gets booed on his way out, because seriously. Who the hell is Bobb’e J. Thompson? He thinks it’s because he’s out there representing Smackdown, which is another thing nobody knows or cares about Smackdown either. They should just turn that whole show into girl nXt and call it a day. Teddy Long comes out and basically just says that nobody wants to see a wrestling match these days. Their solution? Battle Battle Royal, y’alls! The Miz is…perplexed.

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RAW Roster vs. Smackdown Roster
In a Battle Royal

The stakes are high here, Michael Cole says, because the winners of this battle royal get ten seconds of extra TV time at the end of the show. Goldust is super excited. Hornswoggle kicks Cole off commentary, and immediately breaks into the world’s greatest Jim Ross impersonation. Even better than Oklahoma. Ok, there aren’t many examples of Jim Ross impersonations before that particular well is dry. Ezekial Jackson is still in this match for some reason, and he tosses Rey Misterio. Then, basically everybody who isn’t super important spontaneously jumps over the rope, leaving Edge, Show, Miz and Sheamus in the ring. Wait…Sheamus? Really? Show and Edge dump their RAW counterparts in short order, and bask in their ten seconds of fa-

Backstage….

Wade Barrett: Heh. In your face Edge and Big Show. How are you liking these ten seconds. John, will you go check my bags for my flight out to California?

John Cena: Will I ever!

Barrett: Err…Thanks.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Will this finally be the time Wade Barrett wins the title, or will he be too tired from standing in twelve hours worth of lines at Blizzcon? Will RAW finally be able to beat the superior Smackdown squadron? And will Goldust ever learn to love?