Last Week: Wade Barrett finally hatched a plane to drum John Cena out of <The Nexus>. Also, Toby Keith got super hammered and accidentally gave mic time to R-Truth. And it was the Satireversary! Maybe I’ll finally get my cake…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Randy Orton, and we’re already tempting fate tonight by giving him a microphone. Pontificate on us, Randall!
 

John Cena: Now you just wait one second, Randy! It’s not like I had a choice in the matter. I was perfectly content staying in the shadows of the nXt, letting them get all the glory while I sat around causing endless grief to all of my friends. But Wade can’t take it. Being in <The Nexus> isn’t enough punishment for me so he wants me out! And if given the choice of “Be fired” or “One last total dick move against Randy Orton” well…what did you think I was going to pick?

Orton: Opinion C! We all drinker some Earl Grape tea and ate some crunkpits and talk about our differencers.

Cena: As much as that fits in with the WWE’s PG Policy, I can’t stand by and watch while the opportunities to be a huge jerk pass me bye. My career is only so long!

Orton: But, but, Joe! What about the tenements of the Cedation? Huddle! Ladling! Reelect!

Cena: Ain’t nothing but a T-Shirt, bro. Except the Ladling. I ladle all the time. Man, I wish I didn’t have to do this to Wade though. Nice guy, really. I think we could’ve been friends if he hadn’t sold me into slavery and I hadn’t used him to further my own horrible agenda.

Wade Barrett: That’s almost touching. So almost touching, in fact, that I’m even almost a little sad that I’m going to be firing you after Survivor Series. But, let’s face it, you never were any good at World of Warcraft.

Cena: Gnome warrior! Hillarious!

Barrett: Right. Well.

Orton: I still don’t not get it. What is a Whirl of Whorecraft?

Michael Cole: E-mail from the RAW GM! It says that John Cena will be refereeing a match tonight between Wade Barrett and a Partner of His Choice against Randy Orton and a Partner of His Choice. HUSS HUSS!

Jerry “” Lawler: Boy, this Partnerof Hischoice guys is getting a lot of work in tonight!

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The Hart Dynasty vs. Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Apparently, the Harts still aren’t broken up. Hasn’t this tease been going on on-and-off for like, eleven years now? BREAK UP ALREADY! Then you can both go back to FCW and job to G-Rilla while these guys take your spot. Things actually go pretty good for them for the first couple seconds of the match, until they hit each other and start bickering again. Of course, the problem would be solved if either of these two actually watched the show but…who would admit to doing that? <The Nexus> Wins! Neither Kidd nor Smith is particularly happy with this result.

Speaking of not being happy, John Cena’s mediation time is currently being interrupted by R-Truth. Ew!

R-Truth: You ready to Get Crunk?

John Cena: Not on camera, I’m not.

Truth: It’s just a thing I say sometimes, don’t worry about it. So…still getting off on secretly making the locker room miserable, because, you know, it’s not much of a secret when you come out and say it every week.

Cena: Yeah. Nothing against you personally, R, you seem like a pretty all right guy. But you’ve got to remember, I’m a huge, huge, huge dick. And I’ve basically had to tow the PG line for…God, how long ago was it where it was risqué for me to say, “Deez nuts” and throw a bag of peanuts at somebody? 1984 or something? So you’re just going to have to cut me some slack on the jackass train.

Truth: Well, what about Randy Orton?

Cena: Do you really care what happens to Randy?

Truth: Well…Nope.

Who is Alberto Del Rio? No, I asked you first.

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Vladamir Kozlov (w/ Santino Marella) vs. Sheamus

I don’t know which of these three I feel worse for for being involved in this feud. I think it’s probably Vlad. Santino begs out of the match having come down with a case of “the spaghetti-a” which I had once in fourth grade. It was not pretty. And I’m saying that as a very pretty man. For some reason, whenever I see Sheamus, I think about Gobots. I’m pretty sure that’s just because I miss Gobots though. Maybe one of them was a a big fella. Sheamus with a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) for the win. After the match, Santino begs off and basically offers to have sex with Sheamus right then and there, but Morrison shows up to scare Sheamus away. Wait…why is Sheamus afraid of John Morrison?

Backstage….

Randy Orton: It is I, Rank-

R-Truth: Get crunk!

Orton: Ruth, I must make admittance, I have no idea what getting crumb is.

Truth: Oh, that’s not what I’ve heard. Anyway, Cena doesn’t care about either of us. Just thought you should know that.

Orton: That bastardly dastard! Ruth, will you join forceps with me and fight Joe Cedar and Wayne Baguette to fight in that verily ring?

Truth: Err…did you just offer me a main event spot? Me.

Orton: I thinker I just did!

Truth: Yes.

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Backstage….

Mark Henry: I can’t believe I lost my favorite tag team partner! What’s his name. We teamed up, like, five times! He was the best friend I’ve ever had.

D’Lo Brown: Screw you.

Pee-Wee Herman: HaHA! Look who just bought RAW! Look who just bought RAW!

Henry: Pee-Wee Herman? Oh my God. I grew up watching you and Cowboy Curtis!

Herman: How about his daughter, huh? HaHA! WoooWOOoo!

Henry: Yeah. Can…Can I hug you?

Herman: Whatever you want, Chairy!

They hug.

Henry: I wish this hug would never end.

Jambi The Genie: Wish?! Did SOMEBODY SAY WISH?!

Herman: I wish there were half naked ladies wrestling on the floor right now! HaHA!

Jambi: Oh, Pee-Wee, you never change. You really should gr-

Herman: DO IT OR I THROW AWAY YOUR BOX, JAMBI! HaHA!

Jambi: Sigh…Ok, here goes! Mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney hiney Hoes!

The Bella Twins, Melina, and Eve Torres are now writhing around on the floor half naked.

Herman: I just wish Conky was alive to see this. Folks, if you love my particular brand of G-Rated comedy with a somewhat creepy bend, then you’re going to love my Broadway show, where it’s basically this for an hour. I make Jambi do some crap, talk about all the puppets I killed, and try to avoid getting arrested. It’s great fun, and totally not self deluded. And if you decide to come, tell ‘em Large Marge sent you. Right Large Marge?

Lita: Seriously? I came back for this?

Herman: Oh, what were you doing? Are the Luchagores on a world tour or something? Shut up and play Twister.

Lita: Yeah. Ok. Whatever. As long as the check clears.

Herman: HaHA!

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Ezekiel Jackson vs. Zack Ryder

We are actually in Long Island tonight, so maybe I can have some iced tea and get crunk. Oh, and this is Zack Ryder’s fictional and perhaps actual home town. I have no idea, and I’m not going to actually look it up. Ezekiel Jackson still looks kind of sad that he can’t hang out with Spanky any more. You and me both, sister. Unfortunately, while the only method I have to vent my frustration is making terrible jokes about Lita, Zeke slam Zack Ryder on his face. And win.

(ads)

Pee-Wee’s in the ring now. Sadly, after almost ten years of doing this, and over 25 of watching wrestling, those words seem just fine to me.

Pee-Wee Herman: Hey kids! I’m sorry Miss Yvonne isn’t here tonight, but she actually went on to have a career! HaHA! Anyway, I hope you all are having fun tonight on Pee-Wee’s RAW Playhouse. Now we’re going to play a little game. Connect the dots! La la la la!

The Miz: Ok, this is getting ridiculous. Connect the dots? Really? We could have wrestling going on out here right now! Like…Zeke vs. Ryder, best 4 out of 7 falls or something!

Alex Riley: Mr. Herman, I don’t care what Miz says or does for this segment, I just want you to know that I’ll always love your show.

Herman: If you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?

Riley: If it was legal in the state of New York, I would.

Miz: Pee-Wee Herman! Get the hell off of Monday Night RAW. Return the show to Toby Keith, who at least had the decency to be drunk and hate professional wrestling. You sir, are a sham and an ostentatious lout!

Herman: Ostentatious?! THAT’S THE SECRET WORD! EVERYBODY SCREAM REAL LOUD! AAAAAAAH!

Miz: AAAAAAH!

Riley: AAAAAAAAH!

Michael Cole: AAAAAAAH!

Jerry “” Lawler: AAAAAAAAH!

Tough Enough Jessie: WAAAAAH!

Riley: That’s today’s secret word? Who would ever say that?

Herman: What word?

Riley: Ostentatious!

Herman: Ostentatious?! THAT’S THE SECRET WORD! EVERYBODY SCREAM REAL LOUD! AAAAAAAH!

Miz: AAAAAAH!

Riley: AAAAAAAAH!

Cole: AAAAAAAH!

Lawler: AAAAAAAAH!

T.E. Jessie: WAAAAAH!

Miz: You really are a weirdo, you know that?

Herman: I know you are but what am I?

Miz: Oste-

Riley: No!

Herman: And now, welcome my special guest tonight, my best friend Pterri’s younger brother, The Big Show!

Big Show dances down to the ring. Tequilla!

Cole: Just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager. He’s disturbed by how much Pee-Wee reminds him of Jerry Lawler.

Lawler: It does not say that!

Cole: Hey, I’m just reading what the computer says to read.

Lawler: I never heard it beep!.

Cole: Oh no! You’re going deaf too!

Lawler: Quit being so…so…ostentatious!

Herman: Ostentatious?! THAT’S THE SECRET WORD! EVERYBODY SCREAM REAL LOUD! AAAAAAAH!

The Big Show: AAAAAAAH!

Miz: AAAAAAH!

Riley: AAAAAAAAH!

Cole: AAAAAAAH!

Lawler: AAAAAAAAH!

T.E. Jessie: WAAAAAH!

Cole: Just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager. It says, “AAAAAAAH!”

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The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) vs. The Big Show

Miz is pacing outside the ring while Big Show is slowly falling asleep. Either that’s brilliant strategy on Miz’ part, or he needs Globey to give him directions. Miz finally gets in and Show mauls him for about an hour while…I think Michael Cole is hitting on Alex Riley at ringside. Aw, they’ll make such a cute couple. It’s going to be such a shame when Riley cheats on Cole with the Pee-Wee’s Playhouse DVDs. Miz with a CHINLOCK~! which we already went over last week is NOT His Move! Miz finally gets sick of standing in place hugging Show, so he grabs the briefcase and whacks Show. That’s a DQ. Miz walks off while Show sits in the ring furious that he didn’t find out if there was any cake left in that briefcase.

(ads)

You know what celebrities want to do? Vote for Linda McMahon. Too bad none of them live in Connecticut, eh WWE? Eh?

Backstage….

Wade Barrett: Err…This silence is making me uncomfortable. Does anybody know how to play Canasta?

John Cena: No. Why would you even ask that? Seriously? Canasta?

Barrett: I don’t know. I’m British. I have very eclectic tastes, ok? Don’t you judge me!

David Otunga: I know how to play Canasta.

Cena: Really?!

Otunga: Yeah. It’s one of Jennifer Hudson, the woman with whom I am having relations, favorite card games.

Barrett: Ok, well then lay it on us, David!

(ads)

Ted DiBiase (w/ Maryse) vs. Daniel Bryan
For the WWE United States Title

Man, I don’t even want to think about Canasta. David Otunga is like some kind of old lady. Michael Cole is perched up on his chair like some kind of hate-filled Gargoyle, not announcing the match but just staring at Daniel Bryan. Lawler is still pissed off about drawing comparisons to Pee-Wee Herman, but…come on. It’s all right there. Bryan wins with his move (That’s His Move!), but DiBiase doesn’t care. He’s got a wedding to prepare for. An Internet Wedding. Oh, man. If those two level 1 trolls get married without realizing they’re both guys (again!) I’m going to cancel my subscription to WoW Weddings Monthly.

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Michelle McCool (w/ Layla El) vs. Natalya
If Natalya Wins She Is (Still) the Number One Contender for the WWE Undefined Women’s Title

Natalya doesn’t care about the plight of the Hart Dynasty. How many times are they going to run this match? Like, elventy more times, right? When does Kelly Kelly Kelly or the Internet Girl with the Big Thighs get their chance? Or is the belt staying on Michelle forever because her husband was buried alive? I bet you can get a lot of sympathy title runs from that. Michelle accidentally kicks Layla in the face and gets rolled up. Natalya wins. Again. But she probably won’t ever win the title! Layla is not too happy with this development because even she’s sick of this match.

At the hospital (of course!)….

Freddie Prinze Jr.: Man, ever since my wife couldn’t find a job after Buffy and I couldn’t find a job…ever…things have been rough. But at least I can work at this hospital, right Vince McMahon in a coma?

Vince McMahon in a Coma: ….

Prinze: Yeah, me too. How in the hell did you record that video of you talking about how family friendly WWE is if you’re in a coma anyway?

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Yep. Still at the hospital….

Freddie Prinze Jr.: -and that’s my idea for Wings of Summer Catch Commander 2. What do you think?

Vince McMahon: It sounds better than my wife’s campaign strategy, that’s for sure. I swear, she would’ve won if she hadn’t had sex with that loser Brock Lesnar. Oh! Or maybe if she had an evil version of herself running against herself! That’s it! Richard Blumenthal could take off his hood and underneath would be Linda McMahon! AHAHAHAHA!

Prinze: That sounds…great.

Vince: So what have I missed since I’ve been in this coma?

Prinze: Not much. Undertaker died. John Cena joined <The Nexus> and loves it. Goldust and Daniel Bryan are somehow relevant. Oh, R-Truth is main eventing.

Vince: Ugh.

Prinze: You yourself recorded a PSA about voting or something, and that’s basically it. You missed a couple episodes of Glee, but that’s what we have Hulu for.

Vince: Anybody want to see my ass?

Elsewhere….

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley: AH!

Triple H: What?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

HHH: Guys, get out of my bedroom.

Venis: Good to be back!

Stephanie: I just dreamt that I saw my dad’s butt.

HHH: So? You see your dad’s butt, like…every day.

Stephanie: You’re right. Whew. Go feed our kids.

HHH: You mean Nibblins?

Stephanie: No. Our human children.

HHH: Shouldn’t you be running our business instead of sleeping during RAW?

Stephanie: Pee-Wee Herman has everything under control.

Austin: Hahahahaha! I’m so glad I’m retired.

HHH: OUT!

Austin: Ok! Ok! Geez.

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Randy Orton and R-Truth vs. Wade Barrett and David Otunga
With Special Guest Referee John Cena

Randy Orton just looks…perplexed by R-Truth. He cannot believe he’s involved in this match either. Cena does that wrestler thing where he’s totally saying every rule REALLY LOUD so that everybody knows that he’s the referee. Sadly, Cole and Lawler do not adhere to the WWE policy of ignoring the referee and everything he does for this match. Hilarious referee missing the tag spots abound. I love how every old referee spot feels fresh and knew when the guy performing it has no idea what he’s doing. Barrett and Otunga argue the semantics of the “pretending to make a tag sound to let your partner into the match” rule, and Otunga trips over one of R-Truth’s piercings and falls over. Orton and Truth win! Wade Barrett is a little put out by Cena’s jerkiness turning on him.

Next Week: John Cena gets to live out another dream and do ring introductions. Also, The Big Show gets a taste of sweet, sweet briefcase cake. And Triple H finds a whole bevy of WWE Superstars in his bed. Why are they there? Who sent them?