Last Week: Pee Wee Herman bought the show and immediately turned it into his Playhouse of Whores. Also, John Cena didn’t care about R-Truth. And Stephanie McMahon had a dream about Freddie Prinze Jr. and her dad’s ass. May we all avoid that dream…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Oh, God. England. Ok, you ready for this? I’m ready for this.

Waude Baurrett: Thanks for those…inspiring words. You probably should’ve just read the thing I wrote that said, “Here’s Waude Baurrett,” but you do whatever you do. Anyway, did anybody see Smackdown last week? Hahaha! Of course not. So, apparently Dauvid Otuunga here got pinned by Eudge. Dave, that true?

Dauvid Otuunga: Mostly, yes.

Baurrett: You’re terrible. Don’t ever do anything without me again. Jouhn Ceuna, you are a terrible referee. Maybe a worse referee than you are a wrestler. Explain.

Ceuna: You know me, man. I don’t know any of the rules of wrestling. I just no-sell everything and keep punching people until I win the match. So, what are you going to do? Make me the referee, I don’t know how to referee. You just gave me free reign to be the biggest dick humanly possible, and the dickiest thing I could possibly do is be a double reverse jerk and turn on my own team that I hate but love being with.

Baurrett: Err….

Ceuna: At least I didn’t lose to Eudge on whatever Smackdown is.

Baurrett: Point Ceuna.

Raundy Ourton: It is I! Raunky Q. Mourgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the UKGBNI Girl’s Chocolatechip. And I just wantered to wander down to this West Wing ring and ask everybody what a baggers and marsh is. Apparentrap, they’re surveying it in the cafeteria.

Baurrett: It’s like…mashed potatoes with some sausage in there. I’ve got a whole bunch of guys here, we could go get some later if you want.

Juustin Gaubriel: Count me out, I don’t do British food.

Michaeul Coule: I just got an e-mail from Yon RAW General Manager. It says, “Can’t believe I can e-mail you all the way over in England. Anyway, at Survivor Series, it’s pinfalls and submissions only for Raundy and Waude with no interference or I’m giving the belt to Vaul Veunis. Oh, and I’ll just go ahead and book a ten man tag team match tonight, between the nXt and Ourton’s team of Zauck Rydeur, Sauntino Maurella, Youshi Tautsu, Golduust, and Priumo Coulon. And Cena? You’re NEXT! To learn how to referee.

Ceuna: Man, it must suck to have your named mentioned on that list. Those guys are horrible.

Then Ceuna pushes Otuunga down for no reason.

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Thine Beulla Twiuns and Euve Tourres vs. Mauryse, Aliucia Foux, and Taumina

Taumina still exists? The faces, hilariously, are dressed in Manchester United jerseys, which even in Manchester is like wearing a Yankees shirt in Boston. It’s worth noting during this match that Jeurry “” Lauwler is not there tonight, because he’s not allowed into England after the whole incident where he hit on the Quueen. WWE Diva Joush Mauthews is a lot less interested in having sex with any of these women and more interested about talking about video games. Whichever one of the Beullas won.

Backstage…

Dauvid Otuunga: Ok, Waude and Jouhn left. You guys, this is it. Our time to shine. You know, do we want to just be “part of this group” and when the angle runs its course, be thrown in with the Youshi Tautsus of the world-

Youshi Tautsu: Hey! I’m standing right here!

Otuunga: Or do we want to stand out and make a name for ourselves on our own? I say we quit World of Warcraft and devote all our time to-

Waude Baurrett: To what?

Otuunga: Err…Wade! Hey! I thought you left!

Baurrett: I just walked a little off camera. What were you going to quit playing WoW and do?

Otuunga: Haaaaaave…more sex with Jeunnifer Huudson?

Michaeul McGillicuutty: Wait. Does that mean that you want us all to have more sex with Jeunnifer Huudson?

Otuunga: NO! Wait…yes. Just…shut up.

Baurrett: Well, that settles it. I’m letting Dauvid have the shot at beating up Jouhn Ceuna he’s been wanting for months now.

Otuunga: Yes! Wait…why?

Baurrett: Sex with Jeunnifer Huudson!

Otuunga: Awww dammit.

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Thine Haurt Dynausty (w/ Nautayla) vs. The Usous

Hey! Somebody remembered that the Usous exists tonight! Good for them, I guess! And they’re matched up with the Haurts so that’s a guaranteed win right there! They’ve been off TV for so long that I can’t tell the Usous apart anymore, so I’m just not going to bother. My sincerest apologies. I think WWE Diva Joush Mauthews has a bit of a crush on Tysoun Kiudd. Shockingly, the Haurts all argue about how terrible they are and how they lose all the time now, and it’s not even worth wrestling if they know they’re going to lose and maybe they should become door to door salesmen, or Mormons. I mean that’s a good job right? And they’ve got commercials and everything now, and it would certainly be better than having a match where they know one of them is going to screw up and cost them the win, which is just embarrassing now that you think about it. And then the Caunadian Buulldog gets rolled up and Kiudd is like, “Dude.”

(ads)

Backstage, Mautt Striuker is standing by with Raundy Ourton.

Mautt Striuker: Mautt Striuker here and I’m standing by with Raundy Ourton, and Raundy, I just have to ask, what do you think about the RAW General Manager picking a lame assortment of reject wrestlers to be your hilariously inept partners?

Priumo Coulon: Hey, I’m standing right here!

Raundy Ourton: Miuke, Priume Colour, I, Raunky Q. Mourgan, Legend Kill Guy, doth solemnly swear not to listener to the ROW Generic Manger and pick my own teamsters.

Striuker: But won’t he or she get mad that you’re going against his or her orders and picking your own team?

Ourton: Miuke Striupper, I’m a rule breakerer who plays by his one rudes, and then breaks them too. So I don’t not give a dan about what antibody says! I’m makering my own team!

Priumo: Can I still be on it?

Ourton: NO!

Thou Miuz: What about me? I’ve actually won a match or two?

Raundy: Well…ok. You twistered my arm. You’re in like Lyunn.

Elsewhere….

Heauth Slauter: I still can’t believe we’re tag team champions. How random is that?

Juustin Gaubriel: Well, it was either us or…there really aren’t any decent tag teams right now are there?

Dauvid Otuunga: Talking about belts? I’m down with that! I own belts! Of course, most of them are too small on account of I’m totally ripped and muscular. Right guys?

Huusky Haurris: As a guy apparently named Huusky, I believe I can invoke the right to say, “Shut up, Dauvid.”

Waude Baurrett: Yes. Let’s all shut up Dauvid.

Juustin Gaubriel: The tea in your country is surprisingly terrible, Waude.

Otuunga: I’m really glad I don’t care about things like that. I’m leaving.

(ads)

Golduust (w/ Aksauna) vs. Teud DiBiause (w/ Mauyrice)

Golduust finds himself in a predicament that I think we can all relate to. His mail order nXt contentant needed to get married to get her green card so she could stay on Girl nXt. Because she’d apparently never heard of a work visa. And I have no idea why she’d want to stay on Girl nXt anyway. So Golduust did his duty as a man(?) and married the busty blonde woman. Except the second they got married she turned into a raving harpy. Just like in real life. Only poor Golduust can’t understand a thing she’s saying. But at least he won this match.

(ads)

Jouhn Ceuna vs. Dauvid Otuunga (w/ <Thou Nexuus>)

Wait, now. Thine nXt has left. Otuunga’s about to cry about it, but Cena punches him in the face and then throws him into a car. What is that car always doing there? The Ghoust of Albeurto Deul Riou? Albeurto Deul Riou sounds like a failed Street Fighter character. Sorry, bro, you’re even worse than Veuga. You’ve been cut. Veuga had an awesome mask and claws and he was still a lame character. That takes effort. You know what else takes effort? Actually recapping this match. So I won’t. Ceuna wins with the STF or something.

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Backstage…

Dauvid Otuunga: I almost had him until that Tiger Punch. I forgot how to dash backwards.

Waude Baurrett: I don’t understand your non-Warcraft related video game references. Look, it’s pretty clear that either you’re going to usurp me and take over the group, or you’re going to fall flat on your face and end up jobbing to G-Riulla in two months. So in an entirely transparent attempt to get you to leave, possibly so that you can interfere in my match at Survivor Series without the <Thou Nexuus> tag under your name, I want you to go to Smackdown on Friday and lose to Eudge again so I can fire you.

Otuunga: That…sounds like something I would do, sadly.

Meanwhile, in the ring….

Sauntino Maurella: -and that’s-a why we’re dressed-a up as Sherlock-a Holmes and-a Jude Law-a!

Vlaudamir Kouzlov: I don’t understand your non-”War and Peace” related literary reference.

Sauntino: It’s actually-a movie!

Kouzlov: I can’t sit for two hours without head butting something.

Sauntino: That-a must’ve made-a school difficult-a! Anyway follow-a my lead-a! I’m an expert-a on British Culture-a! I’ve been-a watching House-a and that kid-a from Twilight-a! So I know-a something about-a the Brits! You-a are all-a idiots-a who love-a my sparkly-a abs!

Jouhn Mourrison: Can’t argue with that logic.

Sauntino: Now let’s-a drink tea-a and not have-a Lupus!

Sheaumus: You guys are doing this all wrong! Those are terrible roll models to have! Huugh Lauurie is barely British anymore and we all wish to the Great Fella in the Sky that Roubert Pauttinson never was. Now if you want to sit down and relax and have a nice cup of tea, I’d be glad.

Sauntino: Even though-a you hate-a me?

Sheaumus: My love of tea overrides any hate I might have in my heart for you two, Fellas.

Sauntino: I got-a ginger tea-a for you, on-a account of the-a fact that-a you seem-a constipated.

Sheaumus: That’s…nice, I guess?

Sauntino: And I put-a a whole-a bunch of milk-a in there-a, to help prevent osteoperosis-a.

Sheaumus: I’m actually lactose intolerant, but thanks for thinking of me?

Sanutnion: You’re-a pale and have-a the red hair-a! What are-a you? Some-a kind of demon-a?! I bet-a nobody would-a play with-a you in school-a!

Kouzlov: Oh here we go again with this stuff.

Sheaumus: I’m from Scotland, basically everybody looks like this.

Sauntino: NO! Eeeek!

Kouzlov: Every time with this. Did you know we spent eight hours a the airport one time because he wouldn’t stop yelling at Feulicia Dauy? Because that happened. Look, I’m sorry about the tea, Sheaumus. And though, I will admit that I think it’s pretty funny that Sauntino keeps beating you, I personally basically have no interest in continuing this feud.

Sauntino: Eat hot-a tea, witch-a!

And Sauntino throws the cup of tea in Sheaumus’ face.

Sheaumus: Could’ve used a wee bit of sugar, fella.

Miuchael Coule: E-mail from the RAW General Manager! He has no idea what any of this has to do with wrestling. Either have a match or move it along. Now, if you’ll excuse me, here’s my new chart topping single, ‘With My Baby Tonight.”

And then Coule sings the whole song.

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Sauntino Maurella vs. Sheaumus

Sauntino has, like, a twelve piece suit on, so we’re going to have to wait until that’s all off before we can get this started. So, how was your weekend? Do anything fun? I made hot cocoa and reminisced about a time before I was broke. I call it “Tuesday.” Sauntino bails to start, and the RAW GM chimes in to goad Sauntino back into the ring. And Sauntino is no good at avoiding a good goading, so he goes back into the ring and punches Sheaumus in the balls for a DQ. Ha. Sauntino is the best wrestler. Sheaumus gets back up to catch him with a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!). Jouhn Mourrison suddenly realizes that he’s still in the ring and leaves.

Backstage…There’s a commercial for Wrestlemania happening. Well, never to early to start planning for…um…April, I guess.

Jouhn Ceuna: Man, I wonder what I’ll be doing in April. My Snoopy Appointment calendar only goes up to January.

Waude Baurrett: I don’t mean to give away an industry secret here, Jouhn, but nobody really cares. Winning the WWE Title or something. Nothing important. Anyway, I had this great analogy thought up where I compared our current situation to Wrestlemania and how you can assure yourself a spot on the card instead of fired if you hand the championship to me at Survivor Series, but I forgot what I was going to say because I was so mad at all that tea that got wasted a little bit ago.

Ceuna: I’m more mad that Sauntino is doing a better job of calling Sheaumus a no arm whitey than I ever did.

Baurrett: Well to be fair, “Mayonnaise Man?” What the hell does that even mean?

Ceuna: Admittedly, not my best work.

(ads)

Raundy-

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Raundy Ourton, R-Truuth, Dauniel Bryaun, Maurk Heunry, and Thou Miuz vs. <Thou Neuxus>
With Special Guest Referee Jouhn Ceuna

It’s nice to see Miuz and Bryaun finally working together. Michaeul Coule and WWE Diva Joush Mauthews are arguing about whether or not the United States title means anything. Well certainly not in England. Ourton asks Baurrett to tag in, but I don’t even think Waude is watching the match. Ourton gets frustrated and tags in Truuth who just dances around the ring. Very pointedly. At Jouhn Ceuna. That’ll show him. There’s a giant brawl that breaks out, except for Baurrett still isn’t paying attention.

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Dauvid Otuunga is at ringside now, also not paying attention to the match. I guess I’ve got plenty in common with those two then. Mauthews is on commentary having a verbal seizure at the idea that RAW is going temporarily back to WWF next week so that they can pop a rating off a bunch of old people. Iroun Sheiuk is going to be there, so that’s enough to get me excited. I’ll be there! Just like I have every Monday for the last nine years. Ugh. What was I talking about again? Oh God. This match. This match is still going on. Ourton finally gets his hands on Baurrett and slaughteres him for a few minutes. You’ll notice I haven’t said anything about Ceuna yet. That’s because he is just standing around like he has no clue this week. Crap breaks out again, and suddenly everybody’s flying around the ring and Ceuna gets scared and goes outside the ring to hug Otuunga in terror, and while they cling to each other Miuz takes the opportunity to thwack Ourton in the face with his briefcase and Baurrett rolls over for the pin and the win.

Next Week: Thrill as WWE finds a way to bring every guy who is broke and desperate enough to come back for $100 onto the show. Also, Jouhn Ceuna gets lovingly mocked by Dauvid Otuunga for two hours. And Jeurry “” Lauwler returns and sits on top of WWE Diva Joush Mauthews. Sounds like a lawsuit!