Last Week: Nothing happened. I have no idea what you’re talking about. There wasn’t even a show last week. Geez. Maybe something will happen…TONIGHT!
 

(Opening)

Michael Cole: I just wanted to reiterate that there was not an episode of Monday Night RAW last week. Instead it was just two hours of a lovable buddy comedy/drama set in a normal location with an unusual twist. Now back to the opening credits.

(Credits)

John Morrison vs. The Miz (w/ Alex Riley)
In a Falls Count Anywhere Match for the WWE Spinnin’ Title

Ah, good to see that WWE has learned a little restraint. I mean they waited two whole weeks to have this match. Why, in my day they would’ve had this match during the commercial breaks of whatever show is on after RAW. Is it still Silk Stalkings? Seriously, have they got better plans for the Rumble or something? I should note that Jerry “” Lawler is not at ringside this week, having spent his entire New Year’s trying to climb One Times Square to get into the ball there and meet Snooki. I really hope that ten years from now I can come back and read that joke and have no idea what the hell I was talking about.

(ads)

I think Alex Riley died. That’s too bad. I thought he had a bright future in the Indies. Cole and WWE Diva Josh Mathews take a minute out from announcing the match to talk about Tough Enough, because God forbid we talk about a WWE title match. I know what happened to Tough Enough Jessie (she cried) but what ever happened to Tough Enough Taylor from season one? Ugh. That’s going to haunt me all minute. Well, that and Michael Cole saying with a straight face (I’m assuming) that the WWE title is rarely ever defended on TV. In what alternate RAWniverse? Miz and Morrison kick out of all kinds of crazy moves in such varied locations as just outside the ring and up the ramp sort of, before Miz gets his move (That’s His Move!) on Morrison for the win. Well…enjoy being eliminated from the Rumble, John.

(ads)

Ever wonder what happened to Vince Carter? Well…there you go.

Scott Stanford is backstage standing by with The Miz. And wait….

Scott Stanford: Scott Stanford here and I’m standing by with Miz. And Miz, before you ask, no, I don’t know who I am either.

The Miz: Scott, I don’t know how to put this, but…did you kill Todd Grisham?

Stanford: To be fair, he asked me to.

Miz: Anyway, I’m happy to be champion and whatnot. Can’t say that I care for rushing what should’ve been the greatest grudge match of the 2010s between me and my former tag team partner whatshisface, but what can you do? I mean we didn’t even have a show last week.

Stanford: Yes-

Miz: No. We. Didn’t.

Stanford: But I was-

Alex Riley: Hey guys. I guess I didn’t die. Oh my God, Stanford! Aren’t you supposed to be in the Orange Bowl right now?!

Stanford: Oh no! I forgot all about that! I’m going to be late.

Miz: Awesome!

(ads)

Melina, Maryse, and Alicia Fox vs. Eve Torres, Brie Bella, and Natalya

Nikki is no doubt busy taking the firing of Kaval badly. She was going to try to snag him so that she could have her very own internet hero NXT winner. Now she’s just going to have to hook up with Kaitlyn! OMG FANFIC! They never really seemed like they cared about their girl. What was her name? Jamie? Ugh. Why do I know that? Whatever happened to AJ anyway? Maybe TNA can fire Mickie James and hire AJ and nobody would even notice! Because nobody watches TNA! *rimshot* Nikki actually does show up for about ten seconds when she accidentally switches with Natalya, and WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care, and Eve pins Melina, who is a heel now. FYI.

(ads)

The Usos vs. Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov (w/ Tamina)

Tamina showing where her real loyalties lie! With the team that’s actually more likely not to get fired any time soon! The Usos take control of the offense for a good stretch of time until Santino finally remembers that he’s actually involved in this match and hits a few punches before bailing again. Vlad manages to screw up leaving the ring somehow, so I’m pretty sure he’s just three sheets to the wind at this point and riding the Santino train until it falls off the tracks, and Santino comes in and immediately eats a Samoan Drop. The Usos win! Tamina comforts Santino through a weird sexual ritual that involves performing his finisher (That’s His Move!) and then making out.

Backstage, CM Punk is still in mourning.

(ads)

And here he is!

CM Punk: I’ve had a few weeks to dwell on it and screw you guys, I think Paramore is coming back better than ever in 2011. Or 2012. Or whenever. Also, while I’d like to reiterate that nothing at all happened last week, I apparently became the leader of <The Nexus>. Now, I don’t know what a World of Warcraft is, but I’m sure it’s great. I can’t wait to mold David Otunga and…um…Skip…Gabriel? They’re going to be like my new Festus. It’s going to be great.

Wade Barrett: Waaaaait a second. Who in the hell made you in charge of <The Nexus>? Do you even know what secrets lie in the shattered ruins of Uldum? Are you going to lead a raid against Aspect of Death Nethlarion as a level 1 character? Don’t make me laugh, CM Punk! How is someone who claims to be straight edge going to deal with the Brewmasters of Pandera?

Punk: I…um…What the hell are you talking about?

Barrett: And while you people were gallivanting around doing absolutely nothing last week, I was beating John Cena within an inch of his life!

Punk: Really? I never heard anything about that!

Barrett: Yeah, well it was on a house show, and-

Punk: Come on, man. Everybody knows house shows don’t count.

David Otunga: Guys, we were gone last week, and so…and this is somewhat embarrassing to say, we’re not even sure who’s really in charge of the nXt. No clue. I mean, yeah, CM Punk and all, but I don’t know if we can go without drugs, drinking or promiscuous sex with Jennifer Hudson for any length of time.

Punk: Yeah, well, that last one is more of a loose guildline-

Otunga: And Wade, we love you and all, but beating up John Cena was so last year. <The Nexus> has expanded its goals past that for 2011.

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from RAW General Manager Demon Girl. It’s all in Wingdings though, and I don’t have that on my Mac, so let’s just pretend that she said something about Wade Barrett fighting King Sheamus and Randy Orton in a cage match for the number one contendership later, ok?

John Morrison: Yeah, good luck with that.

Punk: Look, I just joined <The Nexus> to have promiscuous sex with Jennifer Hudson-

Otunga: Hey!

Punk: And get back at Darren Young for being such a jerkass. If Wade wins tonight, he can still be the leader, and I’ll just stick it out until that fat guy comes back.

Barrett: Deal!

(ads)

Here’s some guy who I have no idea who he is.

Ricardo Rodriguez: And heeeeeeeeeeeeere’s This Guy!

Alberto Del Rio: I know what you’re thinking. Why is Alberto Del Rio, that one guy from Smackdown who nearly everybody you don’t know is talking about, doing here on Monday Night RAW? And that’s a good question. I am from Mexico. I used to be a luchador, but it turns out that if more than one Luchadore gets together in an American company, their paychecks just get mailed to Konan, so I had to take off my mask. But now I’m rich and I plan to buy my way to a WWE Title! Or failing that, the Diva’s title.

R-Truth:

What’s Up?!
What’s Up?!
Bananarama in your pants,
What’s Up.
What’s UP?!

(ads)

Alberto Del Rio (w Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. R-Truth

So is that really all Ricardo Rodriguez does? Where the hell can I get that job? I’d totally kill at saying a guy’s name. I’d bet I would get it right almost every time too! R-Truth may or may not still be rapping. I wonder if he’s just upset that Del Rio made a quip at Konan’s expense. K-Dawg’s had a rough year, what with being bumped from the undercard of a JAPW show by Jay Leno and all. Del Rio locks in an Armbar for the win. That’s His Move? He’s like this generation’s Dean Malenko. I don’t know if that’s a compliment or not.

Oh what the hell, yes I do. Dean’s awesome.

(ads)

Backstage, <The Nexus> is leveling alts.

Wade Barrett: Guys, I just want to say that I love you all. And after I win the number one contendership tonight and go on to the Royal Rumble to face The Miz and win the Spinnin’ Title, we’re going bring the nXt back to the forefront of WWE storylines in 2011!

Heath Slater: Wade, I hate to be the one to tell you this, and since I never say anything at all, I won’t.

Justin Gabriel: You’re not going to win, Wade. They’re not going to do a heel versus heel match. The fact that it’s going to be Randy Orton in the match frightens and depresses me, but there it is. I’m sorry, man. It was good times.

CM Punk: Don’t worry though. There’s no faces on RAW. Maybe you can make it as a face.

Barrett: Have you ever seen or listened to me? Ever?

Punk: Well…Best of luck then. Have fun wrestling on Superstars?

Elsewhere, Scott Stanford is standing by with Randy Orton.

Scott Stanford: Scott Stanford here and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, and Randy, it turns out that the Stanford football team is playing in the Orange Bowl. Not me.

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the JAPW Girl’s Chocolatechip! And Stan Scottford, I haven’t no idea whom you are, but I do know that I’m ready to avenged all my losses to The Mosh from last year. 2101 is going to be the year of the Morgan! At the very least Chad Jerko isn’t here. Just fourth R-Truth that nice guys finish lost.

Stanford: What the hell are you talking about?

(ads)

King Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett vs. Randy Orton
In a Steel Cage Match for the Number One Contendership to the WWE Spinnin’ Title

You know, Justin Gabriel has a point. And I rarely say that. Do they really expect us to believe that Sheamus or Wade really has a chance in hell here? I mean, maybe they wouldn’t go with John Morrison or whatever, but they’ve got to spice it up a little bit. Put Mark Henry in there or something. Hahahaha…sorry. What the hell was I thinking? That would’ve just made it even more obvious. Maybe one of the Bella Twins? Orton knocks everybody down, but then realizes there’s still a whole ‘nother segment left, so instead of leaving the cage and winning the match, he just waves at everybody.

(ads)

Orton has now made his move, but since he waited the entire commercial break, Sheamus and Barrett are able tos top him. Then they go back into the ring themselves, because they’re idiots. A bunch of cage raking and attempted runs at the door follow, all of which you can see in WWE’s New DVD “Basically Every Cage Match Ever” which is just a string of old YouTube clips of this exact match, but with other wrestlers. And less jumping off the cage by little guys. Oh! They should’ve had a little guy! What’s Yoshi Tatsu doing that’s so important that he couldn’t have been in here? Barrett’s about to win, but CM Punk and the rest of <The Nexus> come out and take off his armband, and then tickle him until he lets go of the cage. Well, at least he’ll have a positive memory of tonight. Then Sheamus falls over. Orton wins! I can’t wait for Orton versus Miz! I’ve never seen that match a half dozen times!

Next Week: John Cena comes back and asks if WWE hasn’t had a show for the past few weeks. Alberto Del Rio shows up again just to mess with everybody. And The Miz and Randy Orton collide and then apologize to each other for not looking where they were going.