Last Week: CM Punk made it very clear that he was joining <The Nexus>, mostly as a way of figuring out what the hell Warcraft was all about. Also, apparently John Cena died or something. And much ado was made about the fact that John Morrison was terrible number one contender. Maybe Orton will do better…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov vs.-

Hahahaha! Did you actually think they were going to open with a Tag Team Title match? What is this, 1994? No, instead <The Nexus> hits the ring and pounds those guys into a pulp. So this is 1997.

CM Punk: I know what you’re all thinking, and you’re damn right it’s 1997! This is the best reincarnation of the nWo since the nXt hit the scene!

Justin Gabriel: This…is the nXt.

Punk: Seriously? Oh, man. You guys were really cool for about a week. Remember when you choked that guy with a belt? Who was that?

David Otunga: Daniel Bryan. Then he got kicked out of the group and fired for being too violent?

Punk: No way? For real? Ugh. Tell me why I hooked up with you guys again?

Michael McGillicutty: As I remember it, you came to us and said, “You guys, Paramore just broke up, and I need friends. Badly.” And so, being the nice guys we are, we took you in and stopped doing drugs and drinking alcohol that very second.

Punk: Oh yeah. Well…I feel better now. They’re here tonight, did you know that? Hi, Hayley! And…the other ones. But in my new spirit of friendship, we’re going to have to start making this club more exclusive. I mean, you can’t just let anybody in because their favorite band broke up. And if we’re going to do this, we’ve got to do it right. Michael, you’re up first. Prepare to get beat down. If you survive, you can stay.

McGillicutty: Wait! What the hell are you talking about? I’m already in! I was in before you!

Punk: Yeah, but I’m CM Punk, former WWE Champion. You…have a ridiculous name. And that’s it. You’re the worst member of <The Nexus> and we’re going to beat the McGillicutty right out of you.

McGillicutty: What about Husky Harris? I mean…Husky Harris? COME ON! He’s way lamer than me.

Husky Harris: Hey!

Punk: Whoa. Yeah. Making fun of fat people? Not cool.

Otunga starts the beat down and everybody begins hitting their moves on McGillicutty. Those Are Their Moves! Husky even hits him with a Big Splash. That’s what you get for telling a wrestler he’s fat. Then they toss Mike onto Punk’s shoulders for a GTS. Man. Worst club ever.

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EVER!

R-Truth vs. Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez)

For real? I mean, I love Alberto Del Rio as much as the next guy who has no idea who Alberto Del Rio is, but STAY ON SMACKDOWN! We don’t miss John Cena that much, to be honest. Rodriguez asks Truth “What’s up?” and Ron is so perplexed and lost in thought about the question that he never makes it to the ring. ADR wins! To celebrate he makes fun of country music and Justin Beiber and forces Ricardo to sing “La Cucaracha” the most stereotypical Mexican song he could think of. So…these guys are faces, right?

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Hey, were at ringside!

Jerry “” Lawler: Remember a few weeks ago, when I got beat up by Miz? Well…that happened.

Michael Cole: In an unrelated revelation, I just got an e-mail from RAW General Manager Demon Girl! She says, and I quote, “Michael Cole is sooooo lame. Did you see him on NXT last week? What the hell was he wearing? Ugh. He’s so old and ugly, and a total creeper. If I have to send another e-mail to him, I’ll just gag myself.” And then there’s another one that says, “OMG! That was supposed to go to my friend Betsy. Just ignore it. And make Jerry Lawler and Randy Orton wrestle against Miz and Alex Riley. Because we’re in Nashville and stuff. And you’re totally an awesome hot dude who any babe would be lucky to marry.”

Lawler: Did you just make that last sentence up?

Cole: …maaaaaybe.

Backstage….

Justin Gabriel: Nope, he’s still alive.

CM Punk: Dammit. I was so sure. Ok, well…welcome to <The Nexus>, Mr. McGillicutty.

Michael McGillicutty: I feel like a new man! Now I know how Festus felt whenever you beat him up.

Punk: Ok, so new rule for this group. No Fatties.

Husky Harris: Haha! Too bad for Skip Sheffield then, huh? Right guys? I mean…right?

David Otunga: I think you’re the fatty in question. Hell, it’s even your name!

Harris: I’m just a little Husky! I’m big boned! I…um…am grandfathered in?

Punk: Alright, Fatty Fairbanks, You can stay in <The Nexus> on one condition. Your initiation is that you have to eat this entire five tier wedding cake…in the next fifteen minutes! Go!

Harris: Sweet deals!

Harris nosedives into the cake.

McGillicutty: Seriously? I get beaten within an inch of his life, and he gets…cake?

Heath Slater: Think of the carbs, man! Think of the carbs!

(ads)

Daniel Bryan and Mark Henry (w/ The Bella Twins) vs. Ted DiBiase and Tyson Kidd (w/ Maryse)

Jackson Andrews has apparently come down with a serious case of “Being the Bodyguard for a Jobber” and is not here tonight. Ezekiel Jackson sends his regards, I’m sure. I wonder if Mark Henry misses Evan Bourne. I wonder if he ate him. This is seriously the first time I’ve even thought of Evan Bourne for months, and it took me about ten minutes to think of his name. That’s probably not a good sign. Henry with a body slam on Kidd for the win. That’s His Move!

(ads)

Well, it’s The Big Show.

The Big Show: Hi everybody! Nice to be on a show that people actually watch for once. I know, I know, I’m supposed to be on Smackdown, but if Alberto Del Rio’s doing it…well, then I am also. I just wanted to give you guys an update on Smackdown. It turns out that there’s another wrestling show and it’s on SyFy. Check your local listings! We’ve got…Alberto Del Rio? I guess you do too now. And, um, Wade Barrett! Yeah! Remember him? He’s on Smackdown now! And another thing….

David Otunga: Wait! Wait! Please. I’m really sorry to interrupt, Mr. Show, but if I don’t get this over with I’m out of <The Nexus> and I’d never hear the end of it from Jennifer Hudson. So…Do I have to?

CM Punk: Yep.

Otunga rushes the ring and dives through the ropes, pulling Big Show’s pants down in one swift motion. Show whacks Otunga in the head and choke slams him. Then he punches him in the face. Which seems redundant. Everyone in the nXt seems pretty pleased with themselves about this, especially Husky Harris, who spits up a little plastic groom head. Who gets to swallow a goldfish?

(ads)

John Morrison vs. King Sheamus

What kind of perks does being the King of the WWE Universe get you, anyway? A good parking spot at the arena? Probably. Your own throne, clearly. But what’s the big deal about a crown and scepter? I’m only asking because I was planning on entering the King of the Ring tournament next year, and if all you get is a cape and scepter, I’m just going to Ragstock and telling everyone I won the tournament in Rio. You guys totally missed it. I had a twenty minute, five star match against Villano IX that Dave Meltzer called “One of the best matches I’ve never seen because I was too busy watching a UFC rerun at 4 a.m.”

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Is this match still going on? Geez. Sheamus does realize he’s fighting John Morrison here right? Just call him “Fella” and then unleash the deadly Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions) and that’s it. But no, it’s just a CHINLOCK~! And then Morrison elbows Sheamus in the stomach. Sheamus does set up the Bicycle Kick moments later, but Morrison counters by making everything go in slow motion and he knees Sheamus in the face for the win. Seriously? Sheamus is terrible. Being King of the Ring is terrible. I’m going to Ragstock to take this stuff back.

Backstage again….

CM Punk: Oh, come on, just do it!

Heath Slater: I’m not spanking Justin Gabriel.

Justin Gabriel: Suddenly, I’m not spank worthy?

David Otunga: Everybody’s got to go through a little hazing, guys. Just spank each other and get this over with.

Michael McGillicutty: This is stupid. If I-

Otunga: Nobody cares what you and Husky have to say.

Husky Harris: My tummy hurts.

Gabriel: Yeah, I’m not doing this either. It’s dumb.

Slater: You’re lucky we don’t spank you, Punk.

Punk: You want to spank me? I’ll get spanked. Otunga, get my spankin’ stick.

Punk pulls his pants down.

Slater: Pass.

Gabriel: Yeah, I’m going to…leave…now.

A-Train: Aw, come on! This is the worst S&M club I’ve ever been to.

(ads)

Jerry “” Lawler: As a WWE Hall of Famer, I can tell you that it’s a true honor to be enshrined with WWE personalities like Koko B. Ware, The Iron Sheik, and Pete Rose. Now another man will know my deep, personal pain. Here’s Shawn Michaels.

And sure enough, Shawn prances out.

Shawn Michaels: I know I said I’d never come out here again. But I did. Because that’s how much I hate Suga Shane Helms. This is just for him.

Alberto Del Rio: Hi! Hey, Shawn! I don’t know if you know this, but I was like the Shawn Michaels of Mexico! I called myself that, actually. And I wear an ascot, which is almost as good as mirror chaps! You see? This is what happens when you leave! The people get Albert Del Rio fever! Why, by this time next year I’m sure to be a former five time WWE champion, with-

SUPERKICK TO ALBERTO DEL RIO~! And then he puts on the ascot and has to admit to himself that, yes, it is almost as good as mirror chaps. Now go back to your arcade, Shawn.

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Backstage, yet again….

Alex Riley: What I don’t understand is why people think it’s a foregone conclusion that you’re going to lose the WWE Title at the Royal Rumble. I mean, Randy Orton? Who cares! The Rumble winner has to chase somebody leading up to Wrestlemania! That’s why heels rule at the Rumble.

The Miz: Are you dumb? I’m lucky I’ve gotten to have the title this long, but right now I’m feuding with Jerry “” Lawler! I don’t have a shot in hell at winning at the Rumble. Then they can just hotshot the title onto some other heel at the Elimination Chamber.

Riley: But you’re the Miz and you’re-

Miz: Seriously, Alex. Shut. Up. Or you have to move off my couch.

Riley: Awww…but I sleep on that couch!

Meanwhile, on the TitanTron….

CM Punk: I swear I’m going to do it! I’m going to jump off this TitanTron just like Road Warrior Hawk and, to a lesser extent, Shane McMahon and Steve Blackman! And then you’ll be sorry! I mean first I get injured. Ok, whatever, free vacation! Then my best friend Festus gets fired. Then they make me come out and…ugh…”interact” with Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole. I would’ve survived, I guess. THEN My favorite band in the whole wide world Paramore broke up! And I know you guys are in the audience right now, but it’s just not the same without Zak and Josh! I loved you! Why did you do this to me?! And now I’m beating up my new stable and it’s just not as fun as it used to be! I mean, how can I get by if I can’t get excited watching a man get beat up, gorge himself wedding cake, or pants a giant. I mean two guys quit because they wouldn’t spank each other! What the hell kind of fraternity is this nXt? I’M GOING TO JUMP!

Punk leans out over the edge.

Punk: I’m not going to jump! CM Punk was heeling on you! Hahaha! Seriously, you guys. This show is PG, and me jumping off the TitanTron is way not PG. Besides, like my best friend Hayley Williams, I’m straight edge which means I’m way better than all of you, right Hayley?

Hayley Williams: I’m not getting involved.

Punk: Right! Besides, my new best friends would catch me, right?

David Otunga: Um…sure?

Michael McGillicutty: I guess?

Husky Harris: We won’t know until you try.

Punk jumps off and bounces off of Husky Harris and safely into the ring.

Punk: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I’m better than John Cena.

John Cena: It’s kind of sad that, in my two week absence, <The Nexus>‘s corpse is still twitching. Haven’t you guys gone back to FCW yet? Do you really need another beat down? Well, it just so happens that my knee wasn’t hurt at all, and I’ll be back next week.

Punk: How convenient!

Cena: And I’m coming back with one purpose! To beat up CP Munk and end <The Nexus> FOREVER!

Punk: The Aristocrats!

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Alex Riley and The Miz vs. Jerry “” Lawler and Randy Orton

More people should threaten jumping off of the TitanTron to move their storylines along. If only we wouldn’t run out of husky people for them to bounce off of. Where are you, Matt Hardy? This show is basically over, so why are we doing this match again? Just because we’re in Tennessee? Lawler and Orton basically spend five minutes wailing on Alex Riley, which I’ll accept as the entirety of the match, but they insist on keeping going long enough for Miz to tag in. Ok, here we go-

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A commercial break after the show is officially over? I don’t have time for this this week, you guys. Unless you want to work one of my jobs for me. Maybe Mark Henry can show up and eat my boss. Lawler runs around and basically acts like he’s the age of the girls that he dates, and everybody’s selling for him including Orton for some reason, and I don’t really have time to make sense of any of it before Alex Riley falls over and Orton wins. And then Lawler pins him too just to rub that in.

Next Week: The next WWE Hall of Fame nominee is announced, and it’s someone whose career is truly on tier with Shawn Michaels (Hint: It’s Gillberg). Also Randy Orton and The Miz start wearing this year’s hot new wrestling item, mirrored ascots. And something about John Cena. I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention.