Last Week: CM Punk officially got sick of being in <The Nexus>. Also, Shawn Michaels showed up and Super kicked a guy who isn’t even on this show. I think he’s from Glee or something. And The Miz continued to get no respect. Maybe he’ll finally get some…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

There once was a man with a dream. That man was Scrooge McDuck and that dream was to swim in a pool of his own money. And he accomplished that task. Let us all hope we can be as industrious as Uncle Scrooge some day.

Here’s John Cena, the perfect opening act on Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO! YO! YO! I’m not going to rap. This is serious business this week, folks. Two weeks until the Royal Rumble, and I’m getting pumped up. So it’s time for me to act as childish as possible. CM Poop! I’m ready to take you and <The Nexus> out! Then I’m going to beat everybody in the Royal Rumble because I cannot be harmed! And then I’m going to Wrestlemania to wrestle and beat Yoshi Tatsu because I’m so awesome that that can be a main event at Wrestlemania!

The Miz: I know you were expecting CM Punk, but I have to come out here and address something right quick. What the hell is this about a 40 Man Royal Rumble this year? That’s ridiculous! I know our roster is bloated and top heavy, but YOU CAN’T MESS WITH THE ROYAL RUMBLE! That’s sacrilege!

Alex Riley: It’s something that should never happen! Like a Reality TV star winning the WWE Title.

Miz: Careful….

Cena: You know what you can mess with?! YOUR FACE! You can’t beat Jerry “” Lawler! Your WWE Title reign is going to be so short your mom will miss it while she does adult things with me. The Kardasians are girls. I can’t wait to fart monkey pee pee poo poo!

Miz: Alex, I think John’s finally snapped. Let’s…go.

Riley: What, you don’t want to stay and talk about your brawling prowess? Or how you’re suuuuuch a great technical wrestler?

Miz: No. And shut up.

Cena: Hey, guys! Let’s go choke on DEEZ NUTS!

Miz: Help me!

CM Punk: Oh man. I’ve done it. I’ve broken John Cena. Not that anyone asked, but honestly, I’m thrilled about the 40 Man Rumble! If I keep following the nWo principals, I should have a 30 member nXt in two weeks. And the other guys will be in nXt Wolfpac over on Smackdown, and they’re no problem. I can’t wait. Now, let’s go take out John Cena!

<The Nexus> stalks the ring as Cena continues to babble PG-Rated Incoherence, but they’re headed off by Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov.

Santino Marella: I don’t-a even know-a what we’re-a doing here-a! Our problems-a were with Wade Barrett-a, Heath Slater-a, and Justin-a Gabriel!

Punk: Chased off by Santino Marella? That’s…not a good sign.

David Otunga: I’m more scared of what Tamina would do to us if we hurt him.

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from RAW General Manager Demon Girl and she says, I quote, “There’s going to be a match between John Cena and CM Poop tonight, and if anybody from The Nexus interferes then they’re stupid heads who have butt faces and won’t be able to be in the Rumble.”

Punk: She did not send that! Cena did. He’s on a laptop right now sending e-mails!

Cena: Did not!

Cole: Impossible! The RAW General Manager is the only person whose ever asked me for my e-mail address!

Punk: It’s on your Match.com profile!

Husky Harris: How would you know that?

Punk: Shut up, fatty.

Michael McGillicutty: Wait! If she bans us from the Rumble will there even be enough people on the roster to fill 40 spots?

(ads)

The Usos vs. Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov (w/ Tamina)
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

This, by the way, was rescheduled from last week, when it was supposed to be the opening match. Which I almost buy, except that I don’t believe that they remember anything that happened last week. The Usos take control on Santino for a while as I struggle to figure out which one is which again. I think Jey is the one with “Jimmy” on his tights. Suddenly, Vlad tags in and beats the hell out of the Usos. Remember when he used to do this on Smackdown, and we wondered if WWE was going to give him a push to Wrestlemania to fight Cena for the WWE Title? Me neither! Santino with a Cobra on Joey for the win.

Backstage….

Michael McGillicutty: No think about it, there’s like…a dozen guys who could legitimately win the Rumble. Maybe. If they get rid of both the nXts, there’d be about twenty guys in the Rumble this year. Twenty is not forty.

CM Punk: Not to cut this scintillating discussion short, but you know who my favorite Buffy the Vampire Slayer character was?

Punk walks over to each nXt member and kisses him on the forehead.

Punk: Faith.

Husky Harris: I was going to guess Giles.

Punk: Shut up, fatty.

David Otunga: Ok, this is getting weird. My mom always told me not to join a cult. Maybe mom was right.

Elsewhere, John Morrison, Daniel Bryan, and The Bella Twins discuss their favorite Buffyverse characters. They all come to a consensus on Amy Acker. Agreed.

(ads)

John Morrison vs. Daniel Bryan (w/ the Bella Twins)

Thoguh clearly the answer as far as Buffy-Buffy characters is that friend of Xander and Willow who gets killed in the first episode to make room for Buffy. Scraps or whatever the hell his name was. Why are they doing a face vs. face match for anyway? This makes no sense. I really should stop drinking before doing these recaps. Think they’re fighting over whether or not Happy Town was any good. It really wasn’t guys. I think Bryan’s on my side here. Indie standoff confuses the crowd!

(ads)

I mean, seriously, the mom was the kidnapper the whole time, and the people were all still alive? And there’s sentient bird? Ridiculous. The guys trade back kicks and flips and chinlocks until…No seriously. I think it’s still on Hulu. Go back and watch it and tell me if it makes a bit of sense. This match probably won’t be over by the time you get back. More punching. Armbars. Ok…Am I right? Awful. Yeah the guy from Jurassic Park was in it. Awesome. It was set in Minnesota and had Amy Acker. Is it too much to ask that it also made sense? Morrison gets the win after a knee to the face. Then both guys shake hands because this is Ring of Honor. Oh no! RAW’s going to get cancelled too! Thankfully, before that nonsense can continue, King Sheamus runs in and gives both these fellas a good Bicycle kick. The finisher of champions!

King Sheamus: I’m pretty sure they upped the number of competitors in this year’s Royal Rumble to forty so that I’d have to say, “turdy nine.” So…There you go.

John Cena; Hahahaha! TURDY! GET IT?!

(ads)

Backstage…Oh dear….

The Bella Twins: Did you see how hot John Morrison’s abs were? Omigod we know! Daniel Bryan’s abs aren’t that hot. But We’re a sucker for a good neck beard. What can we say? Did you hear that Daniel Bryan was a virgin?! WE KNOW! Or maybe it was vegan? Is there a difference? I’ll be his first lover. No, I will! No, I will! No, I will!

And it goes on and on like this. Meanwhile….

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! I’m not even on this show!

(ads)

Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Randy Orton

Seriously? Is Smackdown this destitute? Orton starts things off with a CHINLOCK~!, so…never change, Randy! Dolph, on the other hand, focuses all of his offense on Randy’s glass leg. Having a glass leg would seem impractical. Especially in a profession where it’s constantly getting whacked against a steel pole. Dolph locks in the Sleeper, which is still his finisher for no particular reason, and Orton just falls over, causing Dolph to fall over as well. Orton wins! After the match, Miz and Alex Riley hop out and take advantage of the prone Mr. Orton, ramming him into all kinds of things, which is fun. Miz declares it, “Awesome.” Neat! Then Jerry Lawler spontaneously combusts.

(ads)

Backstage….

CM Punk: Faith, faith, faith, faith.

David Otunga: Don’t you have something else to say?

Punk: Anybody want to guess what my favorite TNA PPV was?

Husky Harris: Bound for Glory?

Punk: Nooo! Shut up, Fatty. Sacrifice!

Michael McGillicutty: I was going to guess Destination X.

Punk: And now, let’s pray to the spirit of Jeff Jarrett, the dearly departed. He of the beast masters and guitar hits.

Otunga: I’m totally comfortable with this.

Maryse vs. Natalya

Eve Torres and Melina are on commentary for no particular reason. Probably to wonder aloud why the Undefined Diva’s Title isn’t being defended here despite the fact that there’s no reason why it wouldn’t be. No, my bad, they’re out here to gossip and talk shop about whether or not neck beards are hot. The internet can only hope, ladies. Surprisingly, or maybe not, Melina doesn’t really care about John Morrison’s abs. Natalya wins with a Sharpshooter, and Maryse immediately starts crying because being associated with Ted DiBiase has killed any semblance of a push she’ll ever have. DiBiase comes out and whines that she’s not supportive enough of his faults. Isn’t dating fun?

(ads)

Ted DiBiase vs. Mark Henry vs. Yoshi Tatsu vs. William Regal vs. Tyson Kidd vs. Primo Colon vs. Darren Young vs. DH Smith vs. Zack Ryder vs. R-Truth vs. King Sheamus

So here’s a thing. Henry immediately tosses DiBiase, drawing out six guys who have zero chance of being in the Rumble, R-Truth who was just wondering what was up and kind of ended up in this match accidentally, and Sheamus who wanted to prove to all these fellas that he’s the best winner of fake matches out of anybody in WWE. Everybody but Sheamus and Henry eliminate themselves immediately in shame. I wonder if Drew Carey is going to be in the Rumble this year. Henry throws Sheamus out to prove that, yes, fat men can win fake Battle Royals. Aw. My money was on Yoshi Tatsu! Alberto Del Rio shows up to once again demonstrate how much he was not on RAW, and then he winks at the camera and drives off.

(ads)

I thought this was an (ad), but apparently this is a guy from NXT.

Derrick Bateman: Hi, I’m Derrick Bateman, and ever since WWE fired its Chief Olfactory Scientist Dr. The Boogeyman-

Former WWE Chief Olfactory Scientist Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m Former WWE Chief Olfactory Scientist Dr. The Boogeyman and I’m coming to SMELL YOU!

Bateman: I’ve taken it upon myself to get a WWE contract by creating a new cologne for the Shopzone. “Mah Stank” is a cologne for the working man. The man who wants coworkers to turn to him and say, “What the hell is that smell?” and you can smile and say-

Mark Henry: Man, THAT’S MAH STANK!

Bateman: Admittedly, that’s pretty awful. But I guarantee it will make you the world’s strongest man.

Henry: Is…is this steroids?

Bateman: No.

Henry: Is it?

Bateman: Nooooo….

Henry: Is it?

Bateman: Yes.

“Mah Stank” available at fine retailers now. Elsewhere….

John Cena: Knock knock!

Tough Enough Jessie: Who’s there?

Cena: Mah stank! BONG!

Then Cena takes her sandwich, licks it, and kicks her cellphone down the hall.

Tough Enough Jessie: That stuff was mine! WAAAAAAAH!

Cena: I know you are but what am I?

Pee Wee Herman: HaHA!

(ads)

CM Punk (w/ <The Nexus>) vs. John Cena

<The Nexus> immediately leaves ringside, not counting on Michael McGillicutty’s math skills to prove there’s no way they’d be taken out of the Rumble. With 40 entries this year, I’m expecting around half the field to be filled with guys who aren’t even in the company anymore. Surprise guest entries like Shannon Moore and Jamison! I hear Todd Pettingill’s back in the game. Punk dumps Cena and celebrates in the ring. Nice to see that he’s the face here.

(ads)

Cena attempts all his finishers, but nothing comes of it. The announcers are fighting about whether or not Punk is insane. When did Lawler come back anyway. I thought he died earlier in the show. Has he been on this whole time? Punk goes for his finisher, but Cena counters that too. So we’re at a stalemate that’s only broken by the appearance of “Dave” Batista “Davidson” impersonator Mason Ryan. Punk asks the guy politely to kick him in the face, and he complies. Punk wins! <The Nexus> comes out to ask the guy if he plays World of Warcraft, and Mason is all, “I do not have a COMPUTER!” but they don’t care. They’re just happy somebody else wants to be in their little club.

Next Week: There’s a huge shocker when I am announced as an entrant in the 2011 Royal Rumble. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” makes an appearance, and is immediately demoted to FCW. And Randy Orton cuts his first real promo in weeks, where he reveals that he’s not even sure who “The Mike” is.