Last Night: The Epic Returns of Kevin Nash and Booker T, which will surely change the WWE as we know it forever, came as a huge surprise, mostly to Kevin Nash and Booker T. Also, CM Punk failed to capitalize on the fact that he could have totally eliminated Husky Harris. And some guy won the Royal Rumble. What was his name again? I forget, but maybe I’ll figure it out…TONIGHT!

Thank God. Ricardo Rodriguez is leading his Mariachi Band down to the ring to celebrate the Royal Rumble win of Alberto Del Rio!

Alberto Del Rio: That’s right! A luchadore won the Royal Rumble! Who would’ve thought?!

Rey Misterio: Well I for one-
 

ADR: And I hope that makes you all feel better that the only reason why I was allowed to cross over to RAW whenever I felt like it is that we suddenly realized that I basically only had one month to get people to actually have heard of me before I won the Royal Rumble. And now look at us! We’re like an army of Justin Beibers marching to Wrestlemania, and I can still appear on this show because ostensibly I might pick to wrestle The Miz! Because The Miz vs. Alberto Del Rio would set Wrestlemania buyrate records!

The Miz: I know you’re saying that ironically, but seriously. It would really really really save us both from having to job to Cena, Orton, Triple H, or The Undertaker. It’s a total fluke I’ve kept the title this long, but if I was going to job to anybody at Wrestlemania, I’d rather it be you. Or Yoshi Tatsu.

Alex Riley: What about me?

Miz: Yeah, you can job to Yoshi Tatsu too.

ADR: Are you just saying that so that I do the opposite of what you want me to do and I wrestle Edge instead so you can see if you can drag out that stupid Jerry “” Lawler feud until Wrestlemania?

Miz: Maaaaaaybe! I mean, I bet he’s super pissed that you killed his brother Chris Tian anyway.

Edge: Eh. I mean, I like my brother and everything, but he’s still got the stank of TNA all over him.

WWE Chief Stankologist Derrick Bateman: We need to bottle that! Quick, Mark, to the Batemobile!

Mark Henry: I really wish you would stop calling it that.

Edge: Seriously though, I don’t care. No match with Edge in it is going to be going on last at Wrestlemania anyway, so whether it’s you or Tylersaurus Rex or…God who’s even left? Yoshi Tatsu?

Miz: Nope, did him already.

Edge: Damn. Ok. Trent Barretta, I’m going to get a sizable paycheck, so whatever. If it’s you, then ok.

ADR: Then I’ve made my decision! I’m going to Wrestlemania to fight…the man whose belt clashes less with my outfit!

Everybody is confused for a second until Alberto Del Rio whaps Edge on the arm with a sombrero and puts him in the ARMBAR! THAT’S HIS MOVE! HIS MOVE IS AN ARMBAR!

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Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager! In an effort to boil down the Royal Rumble match AND the Elimination Chamber both down to basically nothing but chaff before Wrestlemania, we’re having a Royal Rumble just for RAW people tonight, and the winner gets the title match at the Elimination Chamber PPV. And then there will be an elimination chamber match with none of those guys too. And the winner gets an exclusive tweet straight from the RAW GM’s Hello Kitty Blackberry! What stakes!

Husky Harris and Michael McGillicutty vs. Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov (w/ Tamina)
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Sadly, Santino is not in the RAW Rumble, despite the fact that he finished 39^th in the actual Rumble, but R-Truth *is* despite the fact that he was stupid enough to dance straight into a pile of guys from the nXt. Husky Harris is still clearly trying to deal with the fact that he jobbed to The Great Khali last night, becoming the first member of <The Nexus> to be eliminated. Santino gets tossed out of the ring and declares that he’s “sick-a of that happening-a!” when Tamina checks in on him.

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During the break, apparently, Vladamir Kozlov has taken to doing improv comedy to keep the crowd entertained. Well, I mean I guess it’s good to have something to fall back on since your TV show never got picked up. And really, that’s good advice to anyone. Santino wins it with the Cobra, which surprisingly didn’t just bounce off Husky Harris’ layers of armor. Randy Orton runs out and everyone in the ring falls over in terror. Randy Orton has won the WWE Tag Team Titles! Except WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan fell over too, so I guess it doesn’t really count. Randy is so upset at this turn of events that he lines up the Husky one for a kick to the head.

CM Punk: Do it! Omigod, do it do it do it do it! It’ll half our food budget if you kick him in the head! Do it! Do it!

Randy Orton doesn’t need to be told twice (or seven times) to kick somebody in the head or his name isn’t Ranky Q. Morgan. But his foot just bounces off of Husky’s brain fat.

Punk: AAAW!

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Here’s Ted DiBiase and Maryse. If I was Ted, I’d be a little pissed off that Maryse didn’t even bother to follow him down to the ring at the Rumble. He could’ve used the extra pair of hands. To, you know, be eliminated one position later or something.

Ted DiBiase: How am I not in the RAW Rumble? I mean, can you guys seriously tell me that R-Truth is a bigger star than me? That people would rather see him wrestle a match than me? I’m The Million Dollar Man’s son!

Maryse: I know I’d rather see R-Truth than you.

DiBiase: See, this is what I’m talking about. Even Maryse is badmouthing me. How is that right? You aren’t even French! You’re French Canadian! That doesn’t count! And you! Jerry Lawler! You’re a 90 year old man! Get out of the wrestling ring and just retire or move in with Pat Patterson or whatever it is you people do!

Michael Cole: I, for one, am with Ted here. You’re old. Get off the stage!

Lawler: Oh, come on! Can I just have one friggin’ Wrestlemania match before I die?

DiBiase: NO! It’s about time that the young guys got a PPV off from having old people in gimmick matches wasting half the PPVs!

Lawler: Oh shut up. You’re terrible. Nobody cares about you because you’re Ted DiBiase’s son. I, on the other hand, have hundreds of fans from back in the day when I used to punch Andy Kaufman.

DiBiase: I don’t even know who that is.

Lawler moves to explain that whole feud to Ted, and DiBiase yanks Maryse in front of him to absorb the story. Maryse is offended that Ted would make her talk to Lawler of all people, so she slaps him and leaves just as Jerry is getting to the part of the story where he punches Kaufman, and he accidentally smacks DiBiase in the face. Michael Cole is not happy with this development for some reason.

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At some shack, a guy in a leather jacket stands in the rain. It’s like WWE Mad Libs! WAAAAAIT!!! Professional wrestler? Leather Jacket? Weird shack? Domino is coming back to do his top secret R-Rated Gimmick! I AM SO PUMPED RIGHT NOW!

Tyson Kidd vs. Daniel Bryan (w/ Gail Kim)

The Bellas are in on commentary talking smack about Gail Kim. Look, I know it’s a feud and all, but that’s just piling on. Daniel Bryan immediately launches into every move from Flair/Steamboat at the ‘89 Clash of the Champions with or without Tyson Kidd. In fact, Kidd realizes that he’s just being a nuisance halfway through, and leaves. Bryan locks himself in a Figure Four for the win. After the match, the Bellas attack Gail, and Bryan informs them that he’s “man enough for all three of them.” Then Daniel Bryan from the future appears to tell himself that he just won the WWE Title AND became President of the United States, and he needs himself to help him run the country while defending his title. And then both Daniel Bryans take off on hover boards and high five so hard that the universe explodes.

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The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) vs. Edge

Man, it feels like it’s been days since the last time we did this match. I’m just disappointed that we’re already halfway through the show and so far Booker T hasn’t made a single appearance. I mostly just miss his theme music, but it’d be really nice if he’d show up and give Lawler his Kingship back. It was kind of wasted in TNA. They go back and forth for a little while until John Cena decides to get on a microphone from his luxury box and drunkenly rap the words to the Community theme song. Everybody who knows Miz knows he has a thing for Gillian Jacobs, so while he’s suckered in by the song’s siren…um…song, Edge Spears him for the win. Afterwards, Michael Cole admits he’s more of an Alison Brie guy himself.

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Coming This Spring, Tough Enough Jessie is so great, she gets her own show. Hosted by Steve Austin.

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! Excuse me! I just wanted to let you know that Smackdown is going to be main-evented by a mixed tag team match this week! You know. Just in case you were planning on watching it. Don’t. Your Friday night is free.

Natalya and Eve Torres vs. Lay Cool

Not that that would be any different than every other Friday night. I mean…come on! Actually, that’s mostly a lie because I work on Friday nights. LayCool have apparently put asside their differences for the good of the fact that nobody else will hang out with them backstage except for Undertaker, and he’s creepy and old. To continue that theme, Natalya doesn’t even seem to care that her Divas Title is on friggin’ Eve Torres of all people. Layla hits her move (That’s Her Move) for the win. Because it’s Eve Torres. Come op, people.

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Mark Henry and The Great Khali (w/ Indian Eric Bischoff) vs. The Usos
In a Dance Off

Ok, WWE, it’s one thing to poach guys off the TNA roster just to screw with their big angles, but you could’ve let them have Indian Eric Bischoff. And yes, you read that right. The world is not yet ready for how awesome this would’ve been in match form, so they have to water it down into a dance contest. The Usos dance just like their father (not well) and Mark and Khali put on a showstopping Bollywood number that Khali has been dying to do on RAW for years. Then they punch the hell out of the Usos. And Khali gets a pin. In a Dance Off. And if none of that makes any sense to you, just stop watching wrestling right now. You don’t deserve to watch it.

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You want to see a movie starring Triple H?

Oh.

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John Morrison vs. King Sheamus vs. John Cena vs. CM Punk vs. R-Truth vs. Jerry “” Lawler vs. Randy Orton
In a RAW Rumble for the #1 Contendership to the WWE Spinnin’ Title

Aw, come on. Blade 3 wasn’t that bad. They replay the Morrison escape from last night, which was awesome, but now will basically just define the guy’s career. Which is a step up from “had sex with Melina” but not a big one. Sheamus and Morrison start, and absolutely nothing happens. Morrison doesn’t even get called “fella” before Cena comes out. Cena does nothing of note and then Punk is out. Then R-Truth hits the ring. Morrison tries to toss Truth, but Truth dances back in. What’s up? I think the Rumble rules do state, however, that if the Bananarama in your pants hits the floor, you’re out. Jerry “” Lawler is in too, leaving plenty of time for WWE Diva Josh Mathews and Michael Cole to argue about whether or not Andy Kaufman actually existed. Randy Orton comes out, tosses Punk, and is immediately eliminated by R-Truth. HA! So…I guess we’re not dragging this out.

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Or maybe we are. I guess they just wanted to make sure everybody was in the ring before anything interesting happened. Not that Bananarama isn’t interesting. R-Truth is eliminated by a stiff breeze, while John Morrison floats inches above the ring. That’s not fair! I wonder why Max Moon never won the Royal Rumble? He’s finally eliminated by a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!). Lawler then proceeds to dump Sheamus and Cena like it was nothing. JERRY LAWLER IS GOING TO WHATEVER PPV THIS IS! John Cena, for some reason, is very happy about this. Maybe this counts as community service for him or something. Helping out the elderly. Not as excited? Michael Cole, who had Yoshi Tatsu in the office pool.

Next Week: Jerry Lawler celebrates the biggest win of his career by moving in with Charlie Sheen. Also, more clues as to the identity of the mysterious leather jacket man (my sources say it’s Chainz!). And Scott Hall accidentally, drunkenly shows up on RAW, and nobody is really surprised by it.