Last Week: Kharma cried and had all kinds of babies with Jim Ross or something. R-Truth was given his big chance to promo with John Cena but instead took a vow of silence. And Alex Riley became the biggest WWE Superstar since Marty Jannetty. Will his push finally end…TONIGHT?!

Screw the (Opening Credits), Tough Enough is still on!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: It really doesn’t matter which one of you idiots wins, because we’re sending you all to FCW to job to G-Rilla!

Vince McMahon: Actually, Steve, G-Rilla is getting his own WWE Film.

Austin: What?!

Vince: Well, you know, with a superstar with the potential of G-Rilla-

Austin: I just realized that I don’t care! Andy tell everybody why you should win!

Andy Leavine: Because I’m already under contract, I already have my own T-Shirt, and I’d make keeping Drew McIntyre around to do nothing expendable.

Vince: Ok, littler guy, counter point.

Luke Robinson: Because if you don’t hire me right now, I’m pretty much guaranteed to become TNA’s new X-Division champion in about ten seconds. Have you seen me backflip?

Vince: Ok, get yourself over on a promo, Test.

Andy: Uh…I’m Silent Rage! Which…I guess…means that I don’t cut promos. Grrr.

Vince: Ok, I’ve made my decision, and both of you are terrible. Therefore, I’m giving the WWE contract to Miss USA, who was the only one smart enough not to come back tonight. You can pick up your contract in my office, from my lap.

Austin: Uhh…I’m still running this show. I’m the Anonymous Tough Enough General Manager and what I say goes. And I’ve decided that Tough Enough Jessie wins! That girl taught me how to be a better man. Thank you, and congratulations.

Tough Enough Jessie: It’s been my dream for ten years! I’d like to thank everyone for making this day possible! It’s…it’s finally over. I truly am Tough Enough. *sniffle*

Then everybody beats the crap out of Andy. Go home to your family, jerk face! But here comes R-Truth dressed as…a Confederate Soldier? Um….

R-Truth: When little Jimmy came marching home, I beat him up and stole his clothes! Now I want to apologize for taking a vow of silence last week. I asked The Ghost of Friar Ferguson how to get over as a wrestler, and he didn’t say anything. I took that as a sign! So I tried that! But it didn’t work. So now I’m dressing as a Confederate officer for massive heel heat!

Vince: That’s the dumbest thing I think I’ve ever probably told somebody to do.

Truth: I’m really sorry that I tried to get over. That was my bad.

Austin: Well, don’t ever do it again.

Truth: I just realized that I’m here in Richmond, Virginia! A confederate officer would never get any heel heat here! Not even a black one! This place is like a living Dukes of Hazard marathon. Well, crap. I guess I’m just going to have to quit. Except for PPVs, so I can get some of that sweet bonus cash.

Vince: Well, R, Can I call you R?

Truth: I’d prefer you addressed me by my full name, “Rrrrrrrrrrrrmando Alejandro Truthstrada.”

Backstage….

Armando Alejandro Estrada: COME ON! Is anybody else seeing this?!

T.E. Jessie: Yes, but I don’t care! All my dreams have come true!

In the ring….

Vince: Well, Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmando, if you’d like to come up to my office…say, that reminds me, Steve, remember when we used to sit in my office and play tiddlywinks?

Austin: Uuuuuuh?

Vince: Well my favorite type of piracy is Conspiracy, which explains the entire career of Paul Birchill and most of The Corrrrrrrrrrre. Now, I saw the ratings for the National Spelling Bee, and-

The Miz: You know, I don’t see what any of this has to do with my amazing feud with Alex Riley.

Alex Riley: I agree, though since I hate The Miz now, I’ll disagree on principal. This has everything to do with me. Because…I…also…am a Confederate Officer?

John Cena: Let me rap this all up for you. YO YO YO YO YO YOOOO! YOOOOOOO!

Tough Enough’s a bust,
Nobody was the winner,
All of them forced to wear,
My title with a spinner!

But none of them measure up,
To John Cena, the champ!
Except Miss USA,
Because that Lady’s a Tramp!

Now R-Truth is in the ring,
Like Halloween’s in town,
He wants to join the other side,
And hold himself down!

And there’s Vince in a powder suit,
And Austin for no real reason,
The Miz can’t handle no attention,
And Riley lost his NXT season.

We’ve got to stop righ now,
Before this ends all our careers,
This segment is hella stupid,
And THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from RAW General Manager Demon Girl, and-

Vince: That girl is a terrible booker. How in the hell did she let R-Truth in a main event?! Tonight it’s going to be R-Truth and The Miz versus John Cena and Alex Riley.

Austin: But you just said-

Vince: Oh you don’t know when to shut up, do you? You’re in too as the referee. Enjoy having to work tonight, Steve!

Austin: Aw crap.

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Santino Marella (w/ Vladamir Kozlov) vs. Michael McGillicutty (w/ David Otunga)

Santino gets a huge pop for existing, which is always nice to see. Where’s his USA show anyway? Michael Cole mentions Internet Superstars like anybody’s ever seen that show. I wonder what CM Punk thinks about feuding with a comedy wrestler. I guess he once employed Festus, so he can’t be too upset about it. Santino loads up the Cobra, but no go. Twenty minutes later though, he gets it for the win, which just goes to show, if it doesn’t work once…it will probably work the second time because we only have so much time on this show.

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Kelly Kelly Kelly and Beth Phoenix vs.-

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Kelly Kelly Kelly and Beth Phoenix vs. The Bella Twins

Really? Really?! As much as I love the Bella’s entrance, that was not worth blowing a commercial break on. So this is what we’ve come to in the post Awesome Kharma era. Everybody remembers that Beth Phoenix still exists. I thought she got drafted over to Internet Superstars or something. The Bellas spend the entire match trying to make sure their tights doesn’t come off, which I approve of. Beth with the Glam Slam on…whichever one for the win. I don’t see the tattoo, so I’m going to guess it’s…er…The one without a tattoo?

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Backstage….

Booker T: I’ve been working on a new move, and I want to teach it to you.

Trish Stratus: Booker, we’re both basically retired. This is stupid.

Booker: Now, get down on your knees.

Jack Swagger: Just like in my theme song!

Trish: I don’t like where this is going.

Booker: Trust me. I’m a professional! I taught Dr. The Boogeyman everything he knows!

Swagger: Is this an inappropriate time to hit on Trish Stratus? Or is she still learning to Spinarooni?

Booker: He didn’t say that. TELL ME! HE DID NOT! SAY THAT! Now Can You Dig That? SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! CATCHPHRASE!

Meanwhile….

CM Punk: Even I’m sick of this crap.

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CM Punk (w/ Mason Ryan) vs. Rey Misterio

Oh my God, you guys. I haven’t seen this match in almost a week. I was getting worried that I’d never get to see Rey Misterio take on CM Punk again. There’s some discrepancy about whether or not these two have wrestled 883 times or 895, but if you ask me, you don’t count ones that happen on house shows. To be fair, this is the first time I can remember WWE RAW Referee Charles Robinson refereeing this match, so that’s new. Way to go, little Naitch! What a milestone! WOOO! Punk is on offense for about an hour, before Rey fires back with a comeback for about ten seconds and wins with a frogsplash. Classic Rey! He’s worse than Cena!

Meanwhile….

R-Truth: What’s up?

President Barack Obama: Bananarama in my pants. That’s what’s up.

Truth: You want to go to my PPV?

Obama: Would you people stop showing up at my press conferences?

Backstage….

John Cena: Hey, Zack. So when do I get to be the bro of the week? I mean, take care, brush your hair, right?

Alex Riley: John, it’s me. Alex Riley. Not Zack Ryder.

Cena: Shhhh! We’re supposed to be using our kayfabe names. We’re in front of cameras!

Riley: Alex. Riley. I’m your tag team partner tonight. We feuded for, like, two weeks last month.

Cena: Oh. I was expecting someone else. Sorry.

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Heeeeeeeeeeeere’s Alberto!

Alberto Del Rio: Hey! Remember when I ran over Big Show a couple weeks ago? Ahahaha! Man, that was really something else, wasn’t it? I mean…how can you forget? Kane was there. WWE RAW Referee Nunzio was there. The whole gang! Best angle in the history of our great sport.

Ricardo Rodriguez: I am dressed as Big Show to show off my athletic bod! Tuxedo’s aren’t for Ricardo! I am an athlete! It’s Ricardo time!

Del Rio: Those are some awful tattoos. Now get out of here before I beat you up like you’re the actual Big Show. Now, Big Show, go eat some doughnuts, because I’m going to be winning our feud so that I can go on to fight John Cena for months on end, because I’m the only heel on this show or my name isn’t-

Ricardo: Albertoooooooooooooo Del Riooooooooooooooooooooo!

Here’s a video package of somebody named “Kofi Johnston.”

Alicia Fox wants to be Rhiana so bad.

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Zack Ryder (w/ Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero) vs. Kofi Kingston
For the WWE United States Title

Zack’s coming out to Dolph’s music? Where’s “Oh Radio”? Why even bother to have Zack Ryder if you’re not going to get all his crap over? No word on if the Internet Title is on the line here. Michael Cole immediately calls Zack “Zack Ziggler” which preempts his Bro of the Week status forever. Where’s Scott Stanford when you need him? Why are there spider webs on Kofi’s boots? Is that further evidence that he is Shelton? Nothing but cobwebs around that guy. Kofi wins. And thus ends Zack Ryder’s fake Internet Push. Dolph makes sure to say “Heel” so many times that Bruno Sammartino’s head explodes.

Backstage, The Miz attempts to talk to R-Truth, but Truth is just staring blankly at his sword. Elsewhere, Booker T is hitting on Tough Enough Jessie, but Jessie just slaps him.

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Jack Swagger vs. Booker T

Lest you forget, Swagger is still feuding with Evan Bourne. Or maybe not, I don’t know. It’s always nice to see Booker though. The K-Mart chyron makes me really miss WWE Diva Josh Mathews shilling shamelessly for K-Mart. Listening to Internet Nerd Michael Cole and Jerry “” Lawler talking about Weiners just isn’t as fun. Booker calls Swagger a “Yak,” so Swagger bails. Booker is just as good as when he left TNA! I don’t know if I mean that in a positive way or not! Booker wins via countout and is assaulted by Evan Bourne and Booker T. Because they are the faces. NOW CAN YOU DIG THAT? SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

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The Miz and R-Truth vs. Alex Riley and John Cena
With Special Guest Referee Stone Cold Steve Austin

The Truth has the best entrance music in the entire company. Sorry, Yoshi Tatsu. And-

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For reals, show? Truth says, “What’s up?!” and it isn’t even ironic, so I don’t think he’s quite figured out this whole thing yet. Then he dances too, but he does it tentatively, like he’s not sure about it. It’s the brilliant psychology of R-Truth. So the pairings are Cena and Miz and Truth and Riley, because the heels are all afraid of the faces. I’m more than a little upset that Austin has decided that his new merchandise is more important to wear than an actual referee’s shirt. You used to be cool, Steve!

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Watching Austin scold Cena is the kind of thing that make watching sports entertainment worth it. I forgive Austin for not wearing the right T-Shirt now. Cena gest Miz up for the Attitude Adjustment, but Truth screws that up so Cena locks on the STFU and then holds it like a jerk. Then he gets a Van Daminator on Truth. Well…Why not? Austin with the Stunner on Miz, and that’s two celebrity guest referees who have helped win matches for Cena in the past two months. Clearly, he is the best entertainer in the history of our great entertainment. Alex Riley just looks confused because he wasn’t around for the past twenty minutes. He even leaves during the beer bash when Austin wanted him to stay, because that is the way of Alex Riley.

Michael Cole: RAW General Manager Demon Girl is up past her bed time, and has decided to disqualify Cena and Riley for being real douches. But Austin is going to be the GM next week because that’s her junior high graduation.

So Austin dumps beer on Cole and Stunners him. Cole no-sells the Stunner, so Cena gives him the AA too. Why the hell not?

Next Week: It’s All Star Week, so expect all your favorite WWE All Stars like…ummm…Haku. Tough Enough Jessie uses her Tough Enough win to springboard her into the main event of Internet Superstars. And R-Truth comes out dressed as a conquistador, and nobody says anything.