Last Week: RAW General Manager Demon Girl is on summer vacation, so she punished Stone Cold Steve Austin by giving him her job for the week. R-Truth made every attempt to outdick Tracy Morgan by dressing up as a Confederate soldier. And Tough Enough finally ended, and the spoils went to Tough Enough Jessie! Congratulations start…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Here’s The Miz. He came to play WWE All Stars. He’s going to play as himself and pretend he’s still relevant and not feuding with Alex Riley right now.

The Miz: So now I’m starting to figure out what Edge was talking about. I mean, I lose one match, and suddenly I’m persona non grata on RAW. I mean, when was the last time anybody tuned into RAW to see what The Miz was up to? Do I have to tweet a picture of my penis to Maryse to get attention? Because I will do it. That’ll get me out of a feud with Alex Riley and into…counseling, probably. Maybe I can steal a bus with Hugh Morris’ dad on it too. That sounds like the kind of angle that would relaunch my flagging career. I mean, that’s the way we did things in 2000, and 2000 is what’s “in” right now, right?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Miz, let’s face facts together, ok? The reason you’re not getting pushed is because you’re short, thin, and you look kind of dorky. That’s not what gets over in this business. Oh, sure, you got your little title run, but for now you should just feel glad that you didn’t just get booted back down to FCW for your big feud with G-Rilla.

Miz: Hey, G-Rilla’s a big movie star now!

Austin: Yeah? Ask me how The Condemned did.

Miz: How did-

Austin: What?

Miz: Steve-

Austin: Ah, I’m just messin’ with you Cabbage Patch, go backstage. We’ve got Rowdy Roddy Piper back there to give you a pep talk.

Miz: Greeeeeeaaaaaat.

Austin: Well, anyway, since I’ve got you all out here. I’ve decided that, as my first order of business, I’m-

Ricardo Rodriguez: Albertoooooooooooooooooooo Del Rioooooooooooooooooo!

Alberto Del Rio: Woah! Steve! I know you want to be me, but I don’t think you can really lay claim to being Alberto Del Rio! I mean, where’s your luscious head of hair? Your expensive rental car? Your clumsily worn ascot?

Austin: You know, there’s something I’ve been wondering, and I never got a chance to ask Eddie about this, but do you actually sit in those seats in your ring gear?

Del Rio: Yes.

Austin: That cleaning bill so that they can wash the ass sweat off those chairs must be a fortune! Anyway, here’s some more Kane.

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Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. Kane

Alberto is wearing tights with a big “A” on them for “All Star Night.’ That was mighty forward thinking of him! Cole falls all over himself trying to drop the “Briscoe Brothers Body Shop” that he forgets entirely to call the match. Del Rio locks in the Armbar, but Kane makes the ropes. Which would be great, except Alberto is too busy trying to bar Kane’s arm, so he never lets go and Kane wins by DQ! After the match, Big Show comes rumbling out in yellow gloves and with no apparent injury to his leg. He bypasses Alberto, who wisely is halfway to New Jersey by this point anyway, and he just beats the crap out of Ricardo for an hour.

Kane: Show! Stop it man, you’re going to kill him!

Big Show: So? Doesn’t that sound like something you would do?

Kane: Maybe the Old Kane. But ever since you introduced me to Tough Enough Jessie, it’s like there’s a whole wealth of new options! Did you know that if somebody spills coffee on you, it’s ok just to laugh it off? Or that burying your dad in oatmeal’s kind of a crappy plan? So this dude ran you over with his car? So what? Grow up, Show.

Show: You’re right. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Kane: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

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Daniel Bryan, Ezekiel Jackson, and Sin Cara vs. Wade Barrett, Ted DiBiase, and Cody Rhodes

Sin Cara, of course, gets his own entrance and lighting throughout the match, because he’s the biggest star in WWE history. I’m kind of impressed that he can spit water through his mask, I can’t lie. Daniel Bryan, on the other hand, has lost a lot of luster since he disappeared for the past few months. I don’t even think he’s sleeping with Gail Kim anymore. Rough, man. Zeke goes on a rampage, taking out Barrett and then Rhodes and DiBiase at one time. He goes to make the pinfall, but Sin Cara tags himself in. PEDIGREE TO BARRETT~! finishes things. That’s great and all, but THESE PEOPLE AREN’T ON THIS SHOW! After the match, the ghostly visage of Tommy Dreamer chases Sin Cara out of the ring.

(ads)

Hornswoggle is in the ring shooting T-Shirts into the crowd. And I’d just like to go on record as saying that nothing good is ever going to come out of a segment that starts with that sentence.

R-Truth: Hellspawn! What are you doing out here? You shooting John Cena T-Shirts into the crowd? Not cool, man!

Hornswoggle: Like I care whose T-Shirts I’m shooting. I’m just seeing if I can get girls to change into the free shirts while I’m watching.

Truth: That’s creepy, man. How come you’re not the heel?

Horny: Haven’t you been watching Game of Thrones? Lecherous midgets are in!

Sin Cara: Sean Bean is my favorite actor-uh! What a good looking man-uh!

Chris Tian: I really sympathized with his character in Lord of the Rings.

Truth: Team Joffrey!

Truth punts Hornswoggle across the ring.

Truth: Actually, I don’t even watch that show. Sorry, man. Maybe next time load up some R-Truth T-Shirts, though. Or at least some Zack Ryder ones.

Steve Austin: Hey, R-Truth! I have no idea why in the world I’m getting involved in this crap for a second week in a row. So I won’t. Here’s another guy.

Austin: The guy from Glee? I love that show! You and Truth can have a match!

Morrison: But, my neck is still, like, broken. What the hell am I doing here?

Austin: Haha! Welcome to the club, brother.

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Sheamus vs. Santino Marella

The crowd is literally begging for Zack Ryder. And you know, the crowd in Long Island usually blows, so maybe they should run him out here. Just to…punt Hornswoggle or something. Santino loads up and hit’s the Cobra, but Sheamus completely no-sells it. Someday, somebody’s going to not sell the Bicycle Kick, Finisher of Champions or not, and you’re going to be sorry. That person is not going to be Santino, though, as he eats the Finisher of Champions. Then Sheamus locks in the Texas Cloverleaf, for no reason other than I think he wants Dean Malenko and WWE RAW Referee Nunzio to beat the crap out of him.

(ads)

Oh Dear God….

Randy Orton:

Haha! A page out of the R-Truth playbook!

Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and concurrent holster of the WWWYKI Girl’s Chocolatechip! I’m soggy that I’ve been off Monkey Night Rod for so long, but your wake is finally odor. That’s ripe, Ranky is back! And this Someday night, I will be taking on Cryption at the Caterpillar Pomegranate pay per viewed. But I liberally cannot wake that long! So Cross Chen, come out here and flight me!

There he is on the Titantron walking around!

Chris Tian: Hey, Randy! Do you think I’m stupid? I’m a heel now! I can’t have you booting me in the head or beating me, because you’re, like, the only face on Smackdown. So I’m not stupid enough to come down to the ring and get beat up! I’m the smart one!

But while he was walking and talking, he accidentally walked down to the ring!

Tian: Whoops.

Thankfully, The Police separate Randy and Christian before Tian can get usurped as Smackdown’s top heel by…Yoshi Tatsu or whoever. Sting and Christian exchange pleasantries while Steve Austin appears on the Titantron.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Randy, I hear you got a concussion. I don’t know how the doctors would be able to tell, but if you touch Christian again, I’m going to strip you of the World Title.

Theodore Long: Hang on just a second, playa. You can’t do that! You’re just the temporary RAW General Manager! That’s a Smackdown title!

Austin: Shut up and go bet on horse races, peanut head. The adults are talking here!

Long: Eh. Like I care anyway! Hollah Hollah!

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from RAW General Manager Demon Girl! She met Goofy, and rode the teacups, and had her picture taken with Cinderella, and she wouldn’t go, but her mom took a ride on Space Mountain.

Ric Flair: WOO!

Austin: What does that have to do with this segment?

Cole: Nothing. Hey, I just read the e-mails as I get them, man.

Austin: Christian versus Rey Misterio! Right this second!

Tian: You really, really can’t just do that, man.

Austin: And that’s the bottom line, cuz Stone Cold Said So! There! I can do anything!

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Chris Tian vs. Rey Misterio

I can’t decide if Christian’s T-Shirt is awesome or terrible. If I wasn’t unemployed and broke, I would probably rather spend my money buying Scott Stanford T-Shirts instead, so I guess it’s terrible. What is awesome, however, is Tian taking a header into the bottom rope, and then struggling mightily to get back up to the bottom rope to set himself up for the 619. To be fair though, Christian does move again, and Rey whiffs. Then he gets tossed, so I guess it’s time for a break. Man, this is a lot of breaks for a two hour…Oh God. There’s a whole ‘nother hour and a half left of this isn’t there? AAAAAAAAAAAAA-

(ads)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I screamed through that whole ad break. I don’t think I have any lungs left. Christian has had enough of this crap too, and just sits on Rey and punches him until WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton calls for the bell. Oh man! Somebody remembered the “Ref Break DQ” finish again! Expect every match on Smackdown to end this way. Rey jumps on top of CM Punk, who is out there to keep him from Tweeting anything stupid, but Mason Ryan grabs Rey and politely sets him up for the Killswitch, which Christian hits. It’s always really nice to see the heels getting along!

Backstage….

Stone Cold Steve Austin: A movie where I play a door to door yarn salesman who’s out for blood when a Russian spy steals the secret of Facebook from the United States? Hell Yeah, I’m interested. I-

Vickie Guerrero: EXCUSE ME!

Austin: I’ll have to call you back. A cheerleader and a guy’s widow just walked in. Yeah, I’ve heard that joke. Bye. Ok, what can I help you with, boring people?

Vickie: Can you book matches for the PPV?

Austin: I dunno. Probably. I can do pretty much do whatever I want.

Vickie: Well, can you put Dolph into a match against Kofi Johnston?

Austin: I don’t even know who that is. Sure!

Dolph Ziggler: He’s Shelton. Also, can you do me a personal favor? I feel awful about what I did last week. Can you give Zack Ryder a spot on tonight’s show? Put him in the background or something? Please?

Austin: Only if you fire Vickie Guerrero.

Dolph: Done!

Vickie: Hey!

Dolph: Honey, think of Zack Ryder!

Austin: Hahaha! Oh man. I was just kidding. I’m a powerful guy, but I’m not a miracle worker. Zack’d be lucky if he made it onto Internet Superstars.

(ads)

R-Truth vs. John Morrison

Truth is out there, but no JoMo. Well, I mean, the guy isn’t supposed to be back until next year or something, right? He’s not exactly John Cena here. Truth doesn’t seem especially surprised about this, but rather than have WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan count him out like an intelligent person would do, Truth walks out too. Double count out! Tonight is full of great finishes! Truth goes backstage, and to our great shock, John Morrison is laid out.

John Morrison: I…regret that I came back…six months ahead of schedule….

R-Truth: I regret that I didn’t make my catchphrase Shazam! Now, I’m going to push this cart of TVs onto you, John!

Morrison: Alas, it’s what I deserve.

WWE RAW Referee Nunzio: Oh no you don’t! Look, I’ve had it up to HERE tonight! First Sheamus steals my finisher-

Dean Malenko: Ahem!

Nunzio: Ok. OUR finisher, and now you’re just going to dump a bunch of TVs on a guy? Hell no. Not on my watch, pinhead!

Truth: Guys! I think I saw Nidia and Lita getting beat up by some…rabid…clowns!

Malenko: Doink! DEAN SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!

Nunzio: Let’s roll, Dean! Sorry, Morrison, you’re on your own here.

Dean and Nunzio dash off.

Truth: Ok, now I’m totally going to push this cart onto you.

Morrison: That’s kind of what I figured.

So he does. Ow!

(ads)

Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Evan Bourne and Kofi Johnston

Dolph and Vickie are still arguing about whether or not she is equal to one Zack Ryder. Dolph gets his own video package though, so I guess I’ll finally get that Ziggler DVD I’ve never been waiting for. I do have to say, I really think WWE missed out not putting together a Nunzio/Malenko tag team. They’re under contract! There’s still time! Make it happen and I will love you forever, Vince! Evan wins by doing a backflip! Kofi almost goes a whole match without being Shelton, but then he gets it in there right at the end.

(ads)

Piper is out. What musings shall he ramble this time?

Rowdy Roddy Piper: A lot has changed since the last time I was here. I got cancer. I beat cancer. My daughter was in 38 really awful movies. I beat up Mr. T again, just for fun this time. One of the best wrestlers in the industry died, Randy Savage, and there was a guy who was ok with retiring. He didn’t have the sickness. But in my day, you couldn’t rub two boots together for a dollar and if you wanted to win a WWE, which it wasn’t called WWE at the time, or even WWF, this was in the days of the WWWF, and the extra W stood for “wombat” because it was, and this is a little known fact, originally the front for an animal fighting ring that we used to run in the back, but actual wombats were too expensive, and eventually Bruno’s wombat guy spent 18 years in federal prison, though not for wombat smuggling, though they weren’t too happy about that either let me tell you, no, he went to jail for trying to steal a picture of Jimmy Carter from the White House, and to this day I-

The Miz: Well, if it isn’t Rowdy Roddy Piper! You know, I used to look up to-

Piper: -and I said to the guy that I wanted to kick ass and chew bubblegum, but I lost all my gum buying money in the wombat fighting game, so I was all tapped out of both cash and bubble gum at the time, so the guy lent me a nickel, which was good enough to buy a pack of gum at the time because inflation really hadn’t kicked in yet to the level it has today, I mean what can you buy for a nickel these days, even penny candy costs a dollar and a half, which is incidentally how much money my daughter’s last film made, it was called-

Miz: -mean, I was on The Real World, so I understand what makes good televison. So when I say, “Alex Riley is too doofy looking to play a good face,” I know what I’m talking about, because I-

Piper: -get on a Twizzler account like The Ulitmate Warrior and rant and rave about how I can’t wear make-up and my wig anymore, because my face is falling apart from all the drugs and booze I-

Alex Riley: Hey, guys, do you think I could-

Miz: -why I’m challenging you to a match with $1,000 of my own money on the line, because “beating up an old man in a dress” is on my bucket list.

Piper: I don’t knoooooow.

Riley: Do it!

Piper: Who the hell are you? You know what? Don’t care. Make it $5,000 so I can fund my daughter’s next horrible, horrible film. That’d be twice the budget of our starring turn in Lights Out.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Alex Riley! I’m promoting you to referee! You can referee that match, and then nobody will ever say your name on television again!

Riley: Hooray!

(ads)

Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. The Miz
For $5,000 with Special Guest Referee WWE RAW Referee Alex Riley

Alex Riley would fit right in as the valet for the Nunzio/Malenko stable. I sort of wonder what Disqo is doing, but I also kind of realize that I probably don’t want to know. Riley apparently shops at Fat Locker for his referees shirt. Seriously, who do they have on staff that’s that big? The fattest referee they have is WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan, and he only looks fat because he’s short. Piper with the sleeper about two seconds in. It’s just been one of those kind of nights. Miz battles out of it, but immediately gets pushed by Riley into a roll-up for the win. Piper should see about getting a title shot on Smackdown!

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Alicia Fox, Tamina, Rosa Mendes, Melina, Maryse, Nikki and Brie Bella vs. AJ Lee, Kaitlyn, Natalya, Beth Phoenix, Eve Torres, Gail Kim, and Kelly Kelly Kelly

Ugh…Is this everybody? Ok, great. Despite absolutely loathing each other, the possibility of seeing the Yodeling Guy in action brought Kelly and the Bellas together long enough to shoot an episode of The Price Is Right. I saw it, and Drew Carey was kind of a jerk for suggesting that Kelly and the Bellas should go into the Price Is Right’s Wrestling Hall of Fame so they don’t offend fans. I demand his WWE Hall of Fame ring! Mostly because I want super powers. This match ended, like, ten minutes ago when Kelly pinned one of the Bellas. Brikki, I think. That match went on so long, Natalya forgot to take off her coat. Then, for no real reason, the Face Divas do a can can dance. Neil Patrick Harris would be proud! Or, you know, probably not.

Backstage….

Stone Cold Steve Austin: So, Silent Rage, how does it feel? You lost WWE Tough Enough to a girl who wasn’t on the show, and now you’re sitting here backstage, not even booked.

Silent Rage: ….

Michael Tarver: You took my job, man!

The three of them drink some beer.

CM Punk: AH! Busted! You claimed Straight Edge on the show, but I caught you drinking beer! That’s twenty demerits! You can’t come to Straight Edge camp this summer.

Silent Rage: ….

Well, his mouth said “….” but his body said “”

Punk: Stone Cold Steve Austin! We meet at last! Our great Twitter feud finally realized!

Austin: Am I supposed to recognize you? Are you that “Zack Ryder” that literally nobody backstage is talking about?

Punk: No! I’m CM Punk! The guy who is slowly quitting this company over Twitter, but can’t leave until he has his dream feud with Steve Austin so I can finally scare you out of being an alcoholic wife abuser.

Austin: Aw, shucks, kid. I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Punk: Can you say the alphabet backwards?

Austin: Nope!

Punk: Actually…me neither. Anyway, I think this will count as a feud in my dream journal. Thanks for participating!

Austin: Zack, I like your moxie. I suddenly have an urge to put you into the main event against John Cena!

Punk: Aren’t you going to ban The Nexus from ringside or something?

Austin: I have no idea who that is, but sure. He’s banned too!

Punk: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo!

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Now Austin’s driving down to the ring on an ATV. Well, it’s certainly more practical than a $200,000 car.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What? Man, I’m just messing with you guys. Long Island usually sucks, but not tonight for some reason.

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from RAW General Manager Demon Girl! She’s at the Epcot Center Laser and Fireworkstravaganza right now, trying to get the hell out of the Norway souvenir trap. Just thought you’d like to know.

Austin: Well, damn, son, that sounds great. I always loved that Troll ride. Anyway, since I’m the GM, I’m just going to go ahead and abuse my powers once again and book next week’s show too.

Cole: You can’t do that!

Austin: I can’t do lots of stuff. But I do anyway. That’s what the little girl gets for taking a week off. Anyway, remember how awful that Cyber Sunday/Taboo Tuesday pay per view always was? Well…We’re doing it again next week! You get to be the RAW General Manager! And you can’t possibly be any worse than me! But I know you’ll try your damnest.

Cole: Oh! I just got another e-mail! She got a bag of cotton candy and accidentally condemned Tigger to the eternal depths of hell.

Then Austin gives the Stunner to the computer. STUNNER! STUNNER! Bah God that Stunner is broken in half! Then he pours some beer over it and drives over it with his ATV. Which would be awesome, if this hadn’t happened before, and Michael Cole hadn’t just gone and bought another computer. And an iPad to prevent this from happening again.

BAH GAWD!

President Obama sure does give a lot of press conferences.

Chris Tian: Can you get me a WWE title match?

Barack Obama: I’m pretty sure I have bigger things on my plate right now. Besides, you’d make an awful WWE Champion.

Cody Rhodes: President Obama, is it legal for me to Tweet a picture of my Cody Rhodes to a girl I like?

Obama: I…guess?

Rhodes: Here comes a Tweet, AJ!

Sheamus: If I called you “Fella” would I get shot by secret service?

Obama: Just try it. Just go ahead and try it, Fella.

Hornswoggle: How are you planning on solving this economic crisis?

Obama: I dunno. Do you have a pot of gold?

The Great Khali: Pakistan! Am I right?

Obama: Hahaha. You know it.

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CM Punk vs. John Cena

They soak up the crowd noise for, like a half hour, while the crowd chants for everyone, including WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiike Chioda, who is just happy to be there tonight. This seriously is the first time I think I’ve ever heard or seen the crowd at this building cheer for anything or anyone. They’re like the Bizzaro Canadian fans, in that they don’t care about anything. Or maybe this is just the start of a riot. Who knows? Punk goes for the GTS about two seconds in, but Cena fights out, so he just settles for dumping Cena over the ropes.

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Cena beats the crap out of Punk for about twenty minutes until he can lock in the STF, but he does it, like, right under one of the ropes. So that was kind of a waste of time. OH! Unless he holds it past the five count and gets DQed! I haven’t seen that finish in over an hour! In the crowd, R-Truth is offering his bottle of water to a little kid in exchange for a John Cena hat. The kid, however, is holding out for a Zack Ryder T-Shirt, two Rey Misterio Key Chains, and a bottle of Sprite (chilled and unopened). Well, yeah. You don’t know where R-Truth’s been! Cena is so distracted by the fact that the kid is so willing to give up his John Cena merchandise, that he totally misses CM Punk hitting him with the GTS and getting the win. Truth comes to the ring wearing the hat, so he must’ve caved to the kid’s demands. Softie. He wails Cena with the Spinnin’ Title, and runs off to go drop more things on John Morrison.

Next Week: That epic Yoshi Tatsu/Trent Barretta Iron Man Match we’ve all been craving finally comes true. Plus, I hear there’s going to be a literal riot. One of the Bella Twins told me. I think it was Bruce. And new WWE Champion R-Truth recaps the entire Capital Punishment PPV for us in beautiful semaphore.

Elsewhere….

Zack Ryder: What the hell! I go through all this trouble to get myself over, I make myself my own title belt, I Tweet for weeks about how excited I am to come to Long Island, and what happens? They don’t even book me on the show!

A Mysterious Voice: You actually did have a spot on the show, once, Mister Ryder. You were booked in a match that would’ve truly showcased your skills.

Ryder: What, putting over Sheamus? I’d rather stay off the card.

Voice: No! Originally it was going to be Wade Barrett, Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes taking on Daniel Bryan, Ezekiel Jackson and…Zack Ryder!

Ryder: But-

Voice: And you would’ve gone over!

Ryder: Then the one who’s holding me down is….

Voice: Say it!

Ryder: SIN CARA!

Tough Enough Jessie: Yes, Zack. But this rabbit hole goes even deeper than you realize. Come with us and you will see.

Ryder: “Us?”

The Ghostly Visage of Tommy Dreamer: US! ECDub ECDub!

T.E. Jessie: Knock it off, Tommy.

Dreamer: Aw….