Last Night: CM Punk won the WWE Title and immediately left to sign a lucrative deal with the Stuffed Bears Wrestling Federation. Also, Alberto Del Rio won the Money in the Bank briefcase, thereby ensuring he’d have someplace to store his plethora of car keys. And, I don’t care what anybody says Kelly Kelly Kelly/Brie Bella was the match of the night. What will it be…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Vince McMahon and Johnny Ace. Has there ever been a more bored looking guy on WWE programming than Johnny Ace? It’s a wonder he didn’t get over as a wrestler! Backstage, The RAW Roster is saving me from having to bold their names later.

Vince McMahon: Uh…Ok, so this is a little embarrassing. But apparently, we let that guy leave with the WWE Spinnin’ Title, and as it turns out the big blocky belt got sold with the Cruiserweight Title at our annual rummage sale last year. And we can’t use the WWF belt or the Smoking Skull Belts because we don’t have the budget to keep censoring them. So, we’ve either got to bring back the WWWF title, or use one of these plastic Spinnin’ Titles we bought at the merchandise stand. Guess what we picked? So, yeah, there’s going to be a tournament to see who’s the new WWE Babies Champion. Everybody three and up is eligible!

Backstage….

Rey Misterio: Aw!

In the ring….

Chris Tian: Can’t we just go with me being the only champion?

Vince: Hahahahaha! Seriously, how’d you get that belt? Did you steal it?

Dolph Ziggler: What if-

Vince: Shut up. Shut up your face. Johnny Ace! My main man! Anything to add?

Johnny Ace: No sir.

Vince: Goddaamit, I miss Patterson and Briscoe. They would’ve at least made goofy faces and talked about bananas. Now, you might be wondering why I haven’t fired John Cena yet. Well, you can’t very well expect me not to milk that all the way to the main event until I hire him back anyway because he sells too many T-Shirts to fire. Right? I mean…Right, Johnny Ace?

Ace: Huh? Oh, was that to me? Yeah. Absolutely. What you just said.

Vince: I hate you.

(ads)

The Miz vs. Alex Riley
In a First Round Match-Up For the WWE Babies Title

For reals? Please, somebody explain what Alex Riley has EVER done to earn a spot in this match. Like…Ever? Ok, so he’s beat Miz, like 800 times. But how does that make him any more or less qualified than, say, JTG? Or Maryse, for that matter. Of course the real answer for who should be in this match is Zack Ryder. Miz is really selling his knee that he exploded last night jumping off a ladder onto his knee. Who does he think he is? Jeff Hardy? Michael Cole starts screaming about the Sharp Shooter, because apparently he’s watching a tape of an entirely different decade, and Miz with apin for the win.

Backstage, R-Truth is not smoking. Come on, man, live the gimmick!

(ads)

R-Truth vs. Jack Swagger
In a First Round Match-Up for the WWE Babies Title

Who the hell drew up these brackets? “I know what match would get zero reaction from the crowd!” And it’s nice to see Swagger in here, given that he hasn’t won a match in three months. I’d suggest Drew McIntyre as a replacement, but I know he’s too busy lurking backstage to be bothered trying to win the Baby belt. How upset do you think Vince is that Skittles changed their tag to “Wrestle the rainbow?” I wonder if that’s why everybody and their mom is saying it on TV now. Truth throws his shoe at Swagger, and Jack’s out cold. Truth wins!

(ads)

Here’s this guy!

Alberto Del Rio: You guys! I won this briefcase, so let’s take stock of my situation right now. I’ve got the Money in the Bank, I’m the number one contender, and I’m in this tournament. I swear to you, if I don’t win the WWE Babies Title at some point in the next few months, I’m just going to go ahead and quit. Because seriously? That’s stupid. Oh, and guess who I found backstage hanging out with Drew McIntyre?

Ricardo Rodriguez: Hi, everybody!

(ads)

Alberto Del Rio vs. Kofi Johnston
In a First Round Match-Up for the WWE Babies Title

Kofi is, of course, Shelton, so if he wins this thing I will literally eat my hat. I’m not wearing a had, but I will go out and buy a hat and eat it. And given that RAW is in Green Bay, I could’ve picked worse places to eat hats. I think Del Rio drove out in a second-hand Winnebago this week, so I think we might be at the end of his car collection. Next week he should drive out in a Power Wheels. Look what that did for the career of Bob Holly! There’s no way it could fail! Del Rio goes for the Armbar about five minutes into the match, which is stupid, but then Kofi gets the roll-up for the win. Oh Alberto. Nobody is sadder about this than Ricardo.

Backstage, Rey Misterio has strapped phonebooks to his feet in order to be taller than the clown. It works and he’s in the tournament.

(ads)

Backstagier, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Kofi Johnston.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Kofi Johnston, and Kofi, I have to ask you do you honestly think that you can win this? I mean…really?

Kofi Johnston: Nah, man. Let’s face it, that’s not going to happen.

Mathews: Then why bother to go through with this charade? Let’s just hand the belt to, say, Yoshi Tatsu and we’ll all go eat Cheez Whiz at He Who Shall Not Be Named’s house.

Kofi: Sounds good to me, man. I’m gonna go out there and job so hard in the second round! Thanks for the inspiration, lady.

Mathews: Anything to get me out of that Divas tag later.

Rey Misterio vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero)
In a First Round Match-Up for the WWE Babies Title

Rey is dressed up as the Kiss Demon tonight, so it’s nice to see everybody’s taking this tournament seriously. Honestly, though, I probably would’ve thought more highly of Dale Torborg in this tournament than Alex Riley. So. Yeah. Rey has, however, seemingly recovered nicely from being booed out of the building last night. I still think his green gear was cool though. Dolph tries the sleeper, which is hilarious, because I totally forgot when they tried to get that over as his finisher. Rey just sort of laughs, and hits a splash for the win.

Backstage, Vince is trying, desperately but unsuccessfully, to get Johnny Ace to wear a diaper on TV.

(ads)

Beth Phoenix, Natalya, Eve Torres, Gail Kim, Katilyn, AJ Lee, and Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Alicia Fox, The Bella Twins, Maryse, Tamina, Rosa Mendes, and Melina

Is that everybody? Phew. I know half these people AREN’T ON THIS SHOW, but I’m willing to give it a pass this week because AJ is out there. Hi, AJ! Kelly Kelly Kelly is wearing a Green Bay Packers shirt to show her union solidarity. Michael Cole immediately invokes the specter of Joey Styles and then fires it. I think if you listen carefully, you can hear his Twitter account weep. But then again, he’s only marginally less annoying than Dave Lagana, so I don’t care. #IWantWestWing. Nobody tags into the match, so the girls just stare at each other across the ring until finally, Rosa falls over. Orton wins!

(ads)

Kofi Johnston vs. The Miz
In a Second Round Match-Up for the WWE Babies Title

This is your semi-finals, WWE Ultraverse. Look upon it and despair. I remember when we used to have doors around here with more credibility than Kofi Johnston. But then again, he is inextricably linked with WWE’s annual Summerfest event, so maybe it’s fate that he wins the title here. A kid in the crowd raises his WWE Babis Title in the air defiantly. Does that kid have a legitimate claim to the title? Can we get a lawyer to look into that? Like, Clarence Mason or somebody? I mean, I just saw Chilly Willy wearing the Spinnin’ Title on Twitter, and I know that guy didn’t do anything but job to Steve Corino 90 weeks in a row. Miz with the win after, like, two seconds. Better luck next year, Kofi.

Backstage, Scott Stanford is standing by with R-Truth.

Scott Stanford: Scott Stanford here, and I’m standing by with R-Truth, and Truth, everybody knows I’m a big fan of yours. Almost as big a fan as I am of Alpocolypse, the new CD from music legend Weird Al Yankovic, available on iTunes right now.

R-Truth: Scott, I rarely know what you’re talking about. And remember, that’s coming from me.

Stanford: Not a Weird Al fan? No? Ok, then how about CeeLo. His song “Bright Lights Big City” is the theme song for WWE Summerfest, live on PPV from wherever it’s going to be this year. Maybe if we’re lucky, he’ll show up and wave his T-Rex arms at us!

Truth: I think it’s time you leave.

Stanford: Stanford Army! Buy the T-Shirt!

(ads)

Remember Andy? That guy who lost Tough Enough? Well, now he works at a meth lab. I hope you’re happy, America.

Rey Misterio vs. R-Truth
In a Second Round Match-Up for the WWE Babies Title

Speaking of which, what did Steve Austin ever do with all those Tough Enough Titles? WWE is in a time of need right now, Steve! Maybe they can just install Tough Enough Jessie as the brand’s top champion. Or that kid from the last match. He seemed to have it all together, and I’m pretty sure he could beat Rey. KISS Demon or not. Rey jumps onto Truth on the outside. Oh man, maybe they’ll both get counted out. Then Miz could win the title by forfeit and everybody will just be depressed until ol’ whatshisface comes back.

(ads)

When we come back, Rey Misterio is at ringside toasting people for all the merch sales he’s going to make up while Sin Cara is “suspended” and R-Truth is in the center of the ring talking to himself and crocheting. Rey eventually runs out of little kids to convince to buy his stuff, so he rolls back into the ring and Truth accidentally stabs himself with a needle, causing him to fly into a rage, ending when, moments later, he accidentally attacks the air next to Rey, and Rey just drops him into the ropes. 619, and that’ll do it. Rey has made it into the finals! You think that phone hacking story is a big deal, though, wait until they find out that Rey Misterio cheated the system and made it into the finals of this tournament! Parliament will be on its ear!

(ads)

Rey Misterio vs.-

Wait. Nevermind.

Vince McMahon: Get out of here! No KISS Demon is going to win the Babies Title on my watch. Go backstage until you grow a couple inches. Then we’ll talk. God, maybe I should’ve brought back the WWWF title. Or hell, the WWF title. Nobody from England watches this show anymore, right? That’s why we got K-Mart as our main sponsor. Anyway, we ran out of time thanks to all the sports entertaining on this show anyway.

Rey Misterio: That’s all right, I’ve got masks to peddle.

Vince: Damn right you do. Now, we still have this little thing with John Cena yet to do here tonight, and I want to hurry it up. As you can see, I’m cosplaying as Professor Plum for Comic-Con, and I don’t want to miss the Wonderfriends panel again this year. So, John, come on out here so that I can pretned to fire you. Because, hey, if I say something on TV, I mean it. For the next couple weeks, anyway.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YOOOO YOOOOO!

John Cena is back,
I lost my Spinnin’ Title,
Now it‘s being defended,
After a girl‘s dance recital!

So I’m comin’ out the gate,
My mouth spittin’ like a gun,
John Cena so PG-13,
Shooting up Kevin Dunn!

Vince is a doodoo head,
I don’t want to get fired,
I finally had a good match,
Now I am inspired!

But I’m out the door anyway,
Somebody else wrestle The Rock,
Maybe Mankind will come back,
And they’ll wrestle over a sock!

You heard it here folks,
You can’t defeat John C-E-N-A!
Starting next week you’ll find me,
Jobbing to Abyss on TNA!

Because I can sell merch anywhere,
I got nothing to fear,
So get ready you stupid Pandas,
BECAUSE YOUR CHAMP IS HERE!

Vince: That really brought a tear to my eye right then.

Triple H: Hey guys, what’s happening out here? Segment? Cool cool. Hey, Cena, you’re not getting fired. Are you kidding me? The money we make every month from your $40 arm bands goes to pay for Aurora Borealis’ college. Get out of here, you big lug. Heeeeeey, Vince!

Vince: Hunter…What are you doing here? I mean…Didn’t you hear about Sin Cara?

HHH: Yeah. Damn shame too. I think that guy had a big future. But, unfortunately, he got hit with a “wellness” violation before I could see him in the ring. I hear he was the best wrestler we had though. Funny how that worked out. So, Vince, I just got out of a meeting with the Board of Directors-

Vince: How are Duke the Dumpster Droese and Mantaur doing anyway?

HHH: Just fine! Anyway, they said they’ve been watching the show the past couple weeks, I know I was shocked too! Anyway, they said that they’ve been watching the show, and they’re not really sure what’s going on. I mean, I don’t know who “Zack Ryder” is and I don’t want to, but Mantaur is, like, obsessed with the guy. And you know they weren’t too happy about the whole CM Punk thing. I mean, the guy gets his best T-Shirt yet in WWE, and the next night he’s gone. What’s with that? And then we tune in tonight and you’re dressed as Grimace. Vince…you know we can’t have a fictional character running the company. I mean, you saw how Enron stock tanked after they sold off all their shares to Richie Rich.

Vince: I’m actually supposed to be Professor Plumb.

HHH: That’s…somehow even worse. Vince, you know I love you like the great grandfather I never had, but times are a’changin’ and the board thinks that there’s nobody better to run WWE than, well, me. I’d say I was sorry about that, but I’d be lying.

Vince: You? Really? The guy who has been implicit on all my schemes that nearly got me fired twenty times in the early 2000s? The guy who waves sausages around his crotch and had sex with Chyna? You’re a better public face of the company than me?

HHH: Yeah. The whole family even agrees.

Vince: Oh that doesn’t even count! Those hellspawn kids of Shane McMahon from the desolate wasteland that is Marissa Mazolla’s womb don’t get a vote!

HHH: I love you, Mr. Poppers.

Vince: That movie sucked and you know it!

HHH: I guess what I’m trying to say, Vince, is…You’re Fiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrred!

Vince: Fire me?! I’m already fired! Fire me?! I’m already fired!

Then Vince takes off his shoes and elbow drops them and then starts bawling into Johnny Ace’s shoulder, to the delight of the crowd. Meanwhile, Hunter shows off the acting chops that made The Chaperone the critical and commercial success it was, and leaves in a haze of purple and yellow light.

Next Week: Triple H tries to get control of the brand by figuring out who the hell “Alex Riley” is. Also, John Cena starts wrestling under a mask, to the horror of Rey Misterio. And in related news, WWE RAW General Manager Demon Girl, who was attending a CM Punk/Colt Cabana match after her dance recital, is deposed by new RAW General Manager Ultimo Dragon.

Elsewhere…..

Tough Enough Jessie: Oh my God…This is even worse than we could possibly imagine. We…we’re too late. He Who Shall Not Be Named has taken full control. We’re truly screwed.

Zack Ryder: Wait, I thought CM Punk was “He Who Shall Not Be Named.”

T.E. Jessie: Everybody just saw Harry Potter, ok? Shut up.

Tommy Dreamer: So, w-w-what do we do now? I mean, how can we hope to truly defeat h-h-him?

Ryder: Yeah, bro. I kinda feel like I’m on the losing side here. And he doesn’t seem so bad. I mean he mentioned my name! Sort of!

T.E. Jessie: Do you remember the videos Zack? Ten years worth of attrocities!

Ryder shudders.

Ryder: So what do we do?

T.E. Jessie: I have a plan that’s crazy enough to work. But I need time and merchandise. I need somebody to grab all this stuff from the Shopzone before it’s too late.

Michael Tarver: I’m on it!

Ryder: AAAAH! Can we get a bell for this guy? You can’t just sneak up on a bro like that!

T.E. Jessie: Mark my words, gentlemen, the reign of He Who Shall Not Be Named will come to an end just as suddenly as it began!

Dreamer: Yeah! We’re coming for you, Voldemort! ECDub! ECDub! ECDub!