Last Week: John Cena won a number one contendership to a title that he has no claim to at all. Plus CM Punk continued his awesome feud with Kevin Nash that will completely revitalize the industry as we don’t know it. And Triple H finally stared down the barrel of his future. That light at the end of the tunnel? Is a bullet. Will it hit…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Hunter. He doesn’t look really happy.

Triple H: I’ve had a rough week. I mean, last week after RAW I go out to see if my “friend” Kevin Nash is ok, but all I see is Matt Hardy, and then that girl shows up and…why am I telling you all this? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’m the CEOO of WWE, and I make all the rules here. I’m the King of Kings. The Master of the Universe. The One True Ring! So you know what? I’m taking control. Smackdown? RAW? Doesn’t matter anymore. Anybody can appear on any show. It is chaos, and I am its ringleader!

CM Punk: No! Don’t you see what you’re doing?! This never works in comic books. Anarchy for the sake of anarchy, and you thinking you’re above it all somehow. This is how it will end for you! Eventually you’re going to lose control and-

It’s…The nWo theme?

Kevin Nash: Sorry, Turner Broadcasting still owns the rights to the Wolfpac theme for some reason. Anyway, I came out here to say that I lied. I’m the one who told Johnny Ace to tell you where Matt Hardy crashed.

Hunter gets the crazy eyes.

HHH: W…Why?

Nash: I got a note saying to tell you that. If you think I knew that To-

HHH: Don’t you dare say her name!

Nash: Look. Sorry, bro. Really. I didn’t mean to get you in trouble. But here’s the thing, I couldn’t ignore the note. It came with the one thing you wouldn’t give me. A WWE Contract. So you know what? I’m going to do the same thing I always do when I get a guaranteed contract. Go home! If you see Scotty, point him in my direction.

HHH: What about X-Pac, huh?

Punk: Bleeeeeeeah what about me?! Are you guys serious right now? In what way shape or form is the Kliq relevant to WWE TV in 2011? Or how you get to be in a WWE Film with Parker Posey? My biggest crush?! Idiots! What you two should be talking about is how to stave off the oncoming collapse of World Wrestling Entertainment by making the show revolve around a WWE Superstar that people are actually interested in. Namely, me.

Nash: Yeah, how about it Hunter? Why don’t you book me in a match while I’m still here and pretending to care? Me against him for example?

Punk: Don’t break you knees, oldie. But Hunter won’t do it. Because for all his talk of chaos and ruling the WWE Universe, he’s still got to run off and ask Stephanie before he makes any decisions. That’s how he got dressed this morning.

Triple H: I AM MY OWN MAN! I MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS! AND I HAVE TWO WORDS FOR YOU!

Crowd: Sledgehammer is one word!

HHH: Oh.

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Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero)

Oh no! The Legend Kill Guy Returns! One thing I will say about Lawler, is that at least he’s given up talking about Vickie’s dress size and has moved on to waxing nostalgic about back when managers were managers and women were managers too for some reason. Were did Randy get that belt? Did he steal it? Did he steal that belt? I find it somewhat difficult to believe that he won that WOW Girl’s Chocolatechip on his own. Dolph hits the Zig Zag (That’s His Move!) but he hit it on Vickie, so that doesn’t really help his case any.

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Backstage, Jack Swagger is standing next to a TV in his underwear, which is honestly kind of creepy. Why did they just show us that? I hear WWE hired Parker Posey to play Orton’s wife in his new “At Home with Ranky Q. Morgan” DVD. Punk is just going to be crushed. Dolph with a Sleeper out of nowhere. He sure is getting a lot of offense for Dolph Ziggler in this match. Orton slips out of it however, and at ringside, Vickie Guerrero falls over. Orton wins! Dolph just looks defeated. Backstage, Jack Swagger’s huge mouth opens wide enough to swallow the TV.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with John Cena.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and this is sort of embarrassing, but I’m accidentally standing by with a cardboard cut-out of John Cena that we’re using to advertise Slurpees at 7-11. So, my bad. Still, this is the best interview I’ve gotten out of Cena in years.

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Here’s the actual John Cena.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YOO! YOOOOOOOOOOO!

Del Rio some kind of champ?
Just because he’s got the belt,
Drivin’ some stupid car,
Down the entrance ramp.
 
He doesn’t know its name,
It could be named Irene
Hurricane comin‘ through,
But I‘m going over clean!
 
Because I’m John Cean,
The crowd gives me a cheer,
They know I’m not a jerk,
THE CH-

Mark Henry: Hey! Did you know that I’m getting a big push over on Smackdown? Breakin’ everybody’s legs. Even Kane! I don’t need any more Kanes! I got enough! Ten years of crappy gimmicks it’s about time I got mine! You think you deserve yet another title shot, John? Seven years of title shots! It’s STANK TIME!

Chris Tian: With all due respect, Mark is right, John. I mean, there’s a billion guys on this roster who’ve never even had a title shot, yet you in this last year alone have had 708 shots at the WWE title. Can’t you…go off and film The Marine 4: Even Marinier or something? And leave us alone? I mean, do you know how hard I had to work to get just the four title shots this year? I had to come up with an entire fake legal team!

John Cena: Well if it isn’t pee pee nose and poo poo cakes! Maybe the reason you guys don’t get title shots is because you don’t have a BILLION T-SHIRTS!

Henry: They wouldn’t let me copyright “That’s Mah Stank!”

Henry runs off crying. Christian shoots Cena a dirty look and takes off after him.

Sheamus: What’s up, fella?

Cena: Sheamus! My best friend in the world!

Sheamus: Uh…Ignoring all those times I tried to kill you? Like…for an entire year?

Cena: All forgiven!

Sheamus: You’re weird, little fella.

Backstage….

Johnny Ace: Tonight, I’m thinking it’d be great to see Mark Henry, Christ Tian, and Sheamus in the main event of RAW. What Brand Split?

WWE Smackdown Referee Charles Robinson: I really don’t think I’m supposed to be on TV at all.

Triple H: You’re not. Leave!

Robinson: Great. Hey, Hunter, do you have, like, $50,000 on you? Somebody’s got to go bail Ric out of debtor’s prison. Again.

HHH: Ugh. Yeah. Go in my car, and you’ll see a big sack of cash that has “Flair Bail Out” on it. Just grab what you need out of there. And as for you, Mr. No Throat, I’m tired of you wandering around back here like you have some sort of power. I’m the King of Kings! You just get to sit back here and pretend to be paying attention to what I’m saying and never actually do anything useful. Got that?

Ace: Huh? Oh. Yeah. Sure. Whatever you say, boss.

HHH: Good. I think.

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CM Punk vs. The Miz

Punk is already in the ring, but we get his whole theme music anyway, so I’m not sure what the point of that was, exactly. Miz grabs a mic on his way out to let Punk know that he should make up his mind already if he’s a face or a heel so Miz could pick the other side and get a couple minutes more TV time. I don’t know why he needs it with all the talk show and Internet time he gets, but Miz is pretty needy. Punk goes for the GTS right out of the gate, but Miz flops out of that.

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Punk is flying and he lets everybody that that is what he’s doing. They try to trade finishers, but not knowing who is supposed to be the face and actually pull it off, they just end up awkwardly hugging each other mid-ring. Well…That’s nice anyway. I think more wrestling matches should just end like that. Punk with a Top Rope Macho Man Wrist Drop. R-Truth, sensing this segment needs an air of crazy, runs out. Punk gets him up in position for the GTS (becase: Why not?) and Miz kicks him in the balls. That’s good enough for the DQ. They want to beat on him, but Kevin Nash wobbles out, powerbombs him and wobbles away. Play the nWo music! Miz and Truth look at each other, not sure whether or not they should be disappointed about that.

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Sin Cara vs. Jack Swagger

I don’t know why everybody’s saying somebody different is playing Sin Cara. Still looks like the same muscle freak as usual. WWE Smackdown Referee Rod Zapata isn’t there though so I guess he’s finally learned English. Vickie Guerrero is at ringside, no doubt hoping to add Sin Cara to her stable. Cara with his patented knee-based offense, and Swagger can’t gangle out of the way of most of it. Dolph Ziggler comes down to ringside, no doubt hoping to add Sin Cara to his stable, but Cara hit’s the PEDIGREE TO SWAGGER~! for the win, and then gingerly walks away from both his suitors.

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Ballin’ Michael McGillicutty and David Otunga vs. Air Boom
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

So ballin’. It’s kind of ridiculous. I am embarrassed on JTG’s behalf. Air Boom, of course, is the “Fan Voted” name for the teaming of Kofi Johnston and Evan Bourne. I think it’s also the name of one of the “Air Bud” movies. The one where he joins the military. Anyway, I just mean that the WWE Universe is terrible at coming up with names. Didn’t they learn anything with letting them coming up with Tyler Rex? Who I refuse to believe is real. Kofi is Shelton, and Shelton was great at being in tag teams, so they pick up the win. After the match, David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty (Baaaaaallin’!) go out and try to start a feud with Jerry “” Lawler, but Lawler has fallen asleep and cannot reciprocate.

Backstage, Kelly Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres are sending mad kisses to The Big O.

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Kelly Kelly Kelly (w/ Eve Torres) vs. Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella)

The Bellas have got their pants pulled all the way up so as to hide their crotch tattoos, so I bet they’ve got some Twin Magic planned for tonight. That…came out way more dirty and awesome than I had planned. I will say that nobody has ever been happier to be WWE Divas champion than Kelly Kelly Kelly. And nobody is more happy to be vaguely associated with her than Eve. Backstage, Natalya and Beth Phoenix are bitching about how stupid and girly the “Divas” are, while dressed like low priced hookers themselves, and slowly morphing into each other. I seriously don’t know which one of them is supposed to be Kharma at this point. In the ring (in case you forgot, there’s a match going on), Nikki has swapped in for Brie and the Bellas win with a roll-up. I think WWE RAW Referee Justin King even saw and just didn’t care. What ever happened to WWE RAW Referee Nunzio, anyway? He would’ve cared!

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Alex Riley: Main Event Superstar. Coming soon on DVD.

Speaking of coming soon on DVD: Triple H, Michael Rappaport and Parker Posey ARE Huey, Dewey, and Louie in Ducktales: The Movie.

Mar-

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Mark Henry and Chris Tian vs. Sheamus and John Cena

I have a confession to make. I’ve sort of missed having Sheamus on RAW. I think we kind of got robbed watching him develop from fake WWE Superstar to “Guy who occasionally appears on WWE Television for some reason.” Christian and Sheamus start for their respective teams, because…of course. I would leave Mark Henry on the sidelines too. Actually, I shouldn’t complain too much because Henry gets the hot tag a few seconds later. This goes back and forth for a few minutes, but then Cena tags in and that’s how we know the end is coming. Sheamus knocks Henry out, and then Cena sets Christian up for the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) and an Attitude Adjustment for the win. That’s cheating! John Cena is a cheater!

Backstage….

Triple H: Somebody just reminded me that Kevin Nash is a terrible wrestler, so you’re fighting me at the PPV instead.

CM Punk: Oooooh kaaaaaay?

Next Week: That epic two weeks long Triple H/CM Punk feud continues headlong into the big blow off match. Plus, more Smackdown guys come over, mill around for awhile, and then get dumped back into whatever abyss they came out of. And John Cena wins a match.

Elsewhere….

Kevin Nash: HEY! Are you out here? This contract you gave me is no good! I don’t even know who Gail Kim is!

A pair of unblinking eyes appear across the field.

RAW General Manager Demon Girl: It’s not our fault that you couldn’t pass a simple physical Mr. Nash. I think it’s the fact that you have no knees that caused that particular problem.

Nash: Yeah? Well to hell with all of you anyway. As big a jerk as he’s being right now, it doesn’t feel right to take out Hunter. I was only doing this for you to save Pac.

X-Pac is suddenly next to Nash robed in resplendent white.

X-Pac: Save me? But Kevin, I’m already saved!

Nash: What?! What are you talking about, let’s get out of here!

Pac: I was like you, at first. Just trying to stand up for the “loyalty of friends” but after four viewings of Back Door to Chyna-

Nash shudders in sympathy, and even the eyes seem to glisten for a bit.

Pac: -I came to the realization that every bad thing about my life can be traced to one person. He used me as a stepping stone to the World title while I was in DX. Twice. He left me languishing in the midcard, begging on the streets for anyone to offer me validation because the crowds couldn’t stand “Hunter’s little buddy.” And worse yet, he’s the one who introduced me to Chyna. This WWE Universe needs to be cleansed, Kevin, and I’d like it if you would help us do it.

Nash: That’s crazy talk! Hunter is our friend!

Demon Girl: Is he, Kevin? Is that why he let you sit home and rot when you could be helping the business? Why he forced you and Scott Hall out from under his couch when you had no place to live? Why he made a mockery of you tonight booking you in one of the biggest matches of your career and then making you take a physical that you both knew you would fail?

Nash said nothing, but his eyes went wider.

Demon Girl: In two short months, all will be revealed to you. But for now, know this, my Great Father is preparing to tear this WWE Universe asunder. Already now, Tough Enough Jessie and her band of misfit toys is preparing to set things right, and while I cannot promise you a better life, I can promise that you will have a shot at redemption.

Pac: Hopefully not NXT Redemption. I don’t have 400 weeks to spare.

Nash: Fine. I’ll…I’ll do it. But only out of love and respect for Hunter. I just think maybe he needs to be reminded about what’s important in life. Namely getting his friends over.

Demon Girl: Of course. Fine.

Nash: There’s just one thing.

Demon Girl: Of course.

Nash: I need to know who this “Higher Power” is. I’m sick of working for people I don’t know and shadow organizations I don’t care about.

Demon Girl: A valid concern. But I think you already know him.

BONG!