Last Night: Alberto Del Rio defeated the Hell in a Cell, by hanging Cena and Punk from the cage by his scarf. R-Truth and The Miz totally flash-mobbed the hell out of that thing. And Beth Phoenix won the Divas Title, but lost her title as WWE’s Best Lawyer. A push? I’ll let you decide…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Randy Orton vs. Drew McIntyre

Why would you even bother to put Drew McIntyre on TV if you aren’t going to play his badass theme? Especially if you’re going to cancel Internet Superstars! I’ll never get to hear his theme again! Is what I’d be saying if I didn’t have it on my iPhone. Drew has beautiful hair, and you can really see it flowing around him when he’s selling everything for Orton forever. Heath Slater is so jealous right now. Drew eventually just frowns and falls over on his own accord. Orton wins! Before he can get too comfortable, though, Mark Henry waddles out. Orton manages to utilize the hour it takes Henry to get down to ringside to rest up and prepare himself, and Henry gets dumped into the crowd. The Police and Johnny Ace run out to pull Orton away before he does something interesting. Aw! It’s nice to see Sting one last time.

(ads)

Mark Henry vs. John Morrison

Oh, John Morrison. Tonight is his birthday. I wonder if Melina is going to come and celebrate. Or, Zack Ryder’s Dad, anyway. Morrison takes advantage of Mark’s concrete addled brain and misses his finisher. That’s His Move! Henry suddenly wakes up, realizes he’s facing John Morrison and hits the World’s Strongest Slam. That’s His Move. And Morrison is a lot more terrible than Henry, so Mark wins it. Who would’ve thought we would’ve been saying that in 2011? After the match, Mark grabs the mic.

Mark Henry: There’s a TSUNAMI OF STANK COMING! AIN’T NOBODY CAN STOP IT! Big Show? Godzilla? NOBODY! THAT’S MAH STANK!!

(ads)

The Heel Totally Not a Union is in the ring.

Alberto Del Rio: Guys! Destiny strikes again! Why did John Cena get a two beek Title reign only to lose the belt right back ot me? So I could be a two time WWE champion! I honestly believe that! But I have one question. Who raised the cag-

Chris Tian: No! No. You don not want to go there. You’re new, so I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, but we’re never going to get a satisfactory answer to that question, so it’s better off never asking it. But I think we can all agree that we’re sick of Triple H and his crap.

Dolph Ziggler: Oh totally. We’ve heard about the underground resistance. We heard they sent Miz and Truth to attack us, and you know what? We don’t blame them Not one bit. We’re just as much part of the disease as Hunter is. But you don’t kill off a disease by waiting for yourself to die. We’ve got to attack it at the source.

Cody Rhodes: I heard that resistance movement has punch and pie. I would like some of that.

Vickie Guerrero: I am a girl.

David Otunga: I am wearing a bowtie and have sex with Jennifer Hudson. Everybody has to listen to me. My colleges in the ring are right. For the past ten years, WWE has been circling the toilet, and it’s finally reached its lowest point. There’s no going back. And we have one person to blame for that. Triple H! So if we don’t want to form a un-

Totally Not a Union: DON’T SAY IT!

Otunga: Ok. Ok! Geez! We should band together and take this guy down.

Triple H: Take me down?! TAKE ME DOWN?! Are you kidding me with this? First Tough Enough Jessie and whatever the hell her problem is, then my best friend Kevin Nash-

In San Antonio….

Shawn Michaels: Hey!

In Florida…..

Scott Hall: Hey….yo.

McDonalds Clerk: You gonna pay for these nuggets?

Hall: One…more…win…for the good…guys?

Back in New Orleans….

HHH: -and now you idiots? Listen. Very. Carefully. Nobody is going to take me down. Nobody. I have spent the last ten years getting to where I am right now, and now that I have complete control of WWE, nobody is taking it away from me. So tonight, you all will be taking on Evan Bourne, Kofi Kingston, Sheamus, CM Punk, and John Cena! And I hope they end your careers!

Ziggler: What about Mason Ryan?

HHH: I hope they end his career too! Whoever that is.

(ads)

Eve Torres and Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Natalya and Beth Phoenix

Kelly Kelly Kelly is loving not having the Divas Title. Do you know how embarrassing it is to carry that thing through airport security. Because I do. “Oh, that’s just my butterfly belt. I won that wrestling. Ladies Wrestling. Should I just pull down my pants now, officer?” So yeah. But then she sees Beth’s headband and she goes berzerk, slamming her face into the announce table 1,005 times and screaming “THAT DOESN’T MATCH YOUR OUTFIT!” Even Eve is, like, “Natalya, get in there, that bitch be crazy!” But then Kelly is smiling again and high fiving babies on her way to the back.

Backstage….

Johnny Ace: That Sarah Barellis really makes The Singoff worth watching this year. She’s a total hottie. In fact it’s on right now, I don’t know what I’m doing here.

Triple H: You know I don’t know what you’re doing here either. What do you even really do now? I’m the COO, I sign and release all the talent. All you do is watch TV and make my life miserable.

Ace: I…I’m sure I do something. Look, Hunter, do you really want to alienate me? I’m pretty much your only friend now. The locker room is turning against you! And while I may be a quintuple secret agent from Vince McMahon-

HHH: AHA!

Ace: I have no desire to see WWE fall apart. And we’re on the precipice of some dark times here. We have to work together to take control of this roster. Let’s have a locker room meeting and try to nip this in the bud before it’s the end of us all!

HHH: Work together? HA! The only thing that’s being nipped in the bud here is you. Get the hell away from me before I Pedigree you so hard you’ll think you’re Mason Ryan!

Ace: Who the hell is that?

HHH: I don’t know.

(ads)

Jinder Mahal vs. Santino Marella

Santino’s back from the dead! It looks like his face got smacked into the announce table 1,005 times by Kelly Kelly Kelly, but otherwise he seems to be fully recovered from his car being smashed into a pole and flipped upside down. Except now that he’s speaking in tongues. I can’t tell you whether or not I think that’s an improvement. It’s a closely guarded government secret. Santino still remembers how to do the Cobra, and still has…arms. So he wins. Still no idea who Jinder Mahal is.

(ads)

Hey! G-Rilla!

Meanwhile, on YouTube….

R-Truth: Is…this real life?

The Miz: Nah man. Wrestling is fake.

Truth: It’s STILL REAL TO ME!

Miz: Weren’t we supposed to be saying something to the WWE Universe?

Truth: Sure did!

Never gonna give you up,
Never gonna let you down,
Never gonna turn around,
And desert you.

(ads)

CM Punk, John Cena, Kofi Johnston, Evan Bourne, Sheamus, and Mason Ryan vs. Cody Rhodes, David Otunga, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler, Chris Tian and Alberto Del Rio

That’s…Way too many guys. So many guys that Kofi can’t afford NOT to be Shelton. Seriously, though, what’s Mason Ryan doing in this match? Was Zack Ryder busy or something? I suppose he’s probably running scared right now, considering the whole roster is turning on him. Except, of course, for CM Punk, who is doing his part to give voice to the voiceless against the domineering idiocy of Triple H by…uh…fighting for Triple H’s honor in this match. Though, to be fair, there are so many people in this match, he might just be confused about what side he’s on.

(ads)

Kofi Johnston and Cody Rhodes are having an extended match here, which is cute, because the chances that either of them will have anything to do with the finish to this match are pretty much zero. I would sort of wonder why in the hell Sheamus, Chris Tian, and Cody Rhodes are even in this match because they’re NOT ON THIS SHOW, but I swore to the Great Fella in the Sky that I’d stop asking those questions this week, so I’m just going to let it pass. I feel so…zen. But why are David Otunga and Mason Ryan in this match?! They’re terrible!!

(ads)

The crowd is going nuts now, sensing that any match with TWO ad breaks must be a really good one. Oh man, you kids have it lucky. I remember in my day, when Ivan Putski wrestled Barry Horowitz to a ninety minute draw every week on Superstars. And that was a squash match. I’m only half kidding, of course. Ivan Putski never wrestled Barry Horowitz. Otunga takes out Punk, because we’re done with him now, but Cena slips in with the Attitude Adjustment. Of course. But then Dolph hits his move(!) (That’s His Move!(!)). But Sheamus has had enough of this finishers nonsense and nails the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher Of Champions!) for the win.

(ads)

The Entire Roster is out now. Hey! Tyler Rex still works here. Unbelievable. I don’t know how you do it, man. Jerry “” Lawler makes his triumphant comeback, proving once and for all that anal bleeding can only keep a man down so long. Don’t we all know it.

(ads)

One Sin Cara is pretty obviously just Big Show in a mask. The other one is fat and wearing an ECW shirt. Triple H Is out there and seems a bit unnerved at that.

Triple H: Glad you could all make it. I hope I’m not imposing on you by taking fifteen minutes out of your day so that I can talk to you, but this has to stop. In case you all hadn’t noticed, there’s a war going on. And while these nobodies sneak around in the shadows trying to end WWE, the only one that seems at all interested in stopping it is me. I’ve lost three of my best friends to these idiots, but none of you will stand up here and defend me! This is our livelyhood we’re talking about here! Do you really think WWE can survive an attack? Because I don’t! Not if I’m the only one on the front lines!

Wade Barrett: Hunter, with all due respect, nobody cares. You, Vince, Tough Enough Jessie, any way you look at it, it’s the same boat with a different captain. And quite frankly, while Jessie is a sweet girl with a big heart and a lot of tears, you’re just some old guy who can’t stay out of the spotlight. And not only that, we all know something isn’t right here. I mean, I’ve only been around here for a year or so, but even I know that something is wrong. Like the whole universe suddenly shifted to the left or something ten years ago.

HHH: That’s pretty rich. Why don’t you just go back to playing video games and leave the real wrestling show running to the adults, eh, Wade? You clearly don’t understand what’s going on here, because without me there wouldn’t be a show! Besides, don’t think I don’t remember that it was you and your merry little band of brigands that tried to destroy RAW last year. You have as much vested in seeing WWE fail as anybody.

Barrett: To be fair, we were just trying to destroy the established main event structure, and got a little carried away. Besides, we clearly had the wrong person targeted. We shouldn’t have gone after Vince at all.

HHH: Shut it up. Shut it up, you.

WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiike Chioda: Hunter! I’d like to speak for all of the referees here. I remember a day when we used to all have names, and a couple times a year we’d all get beat up and turn on. But now? We’re just getting beat up! Nobody can even pretend to know our names! How is WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan supposed to sell his new Jazz-Rap fusion album, “Doan and Doan?” That’s not cool. Not that you’ve ever been known to be a friend of referees.

HHH: Oh boy! Look everybody! It’s roid face! How’s it going there, roid face? You likin’ being the tough guy now? You come back and you get to be the voice of the referees? Well you all can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. For realsies.

Chioda: Can you at least tell us what you did with WWE RAW Referee Nunzio? He was kind of our enforcer.

HHH: Nope. Maybe he’s hiding out with your roids.

Beth Phoenix: I’m a girl and-

HHH: That’s enough out of you. Don’t demean yourself. You’re clearly not a girl.

Jerry “” Lawler: Dammit, Hunter! I kind of like you, but this is enough. Ten years. The Satireversary is coming up in two weeks, and I don’t know if I can trust you. This isn’t even about Mark Henry putting me through a table that wasn’t rigged to collapse. This is ten years of offenses. Not just to me, but to the Divas and their puppies, to all the cool people you fired, to the referees. I mean, how long have I been Kingless? Have you ever once offered to help me get my Kingship back? No! Instead you got Booker T fired and stole it for yourself! You can’t just go around and have sex with a mannequin and get away with it! I should know! But you did! Just…give me one good reason why we shouldn’t leave you here and let Tough Enough Jessie destroy you. Please, Hunter. Just one.

Chris Tian: You know what? I don’t even care. I’m not on supposed to be on this show. Come on Smackdown contingent!

The Smackdown contingent goes back to wherever the hell they hang out when they’re not forced to be on RAW. The dungeons or whatever.

Chioda: Yeah, you know what? Hopefully Tough Enough Jessie strings you up by your backne, roid monster! This place can’t last without referees. Come on, bros.

The referees leave.

Phoenix: Seriously though, the Divas are going out to the club so we can call Kelly Kelly Kelly a ho. But if you need a good lawyer, call me.

The Divas leave.

Lawler: Uh…I have to…follow them. Puppies.

Lawler takes off. As does Michael Cole, and the rest of the heels. Then the faces, including Big Sin Cara, which Hunter doesn’t seem too happy about.

HHH: Et tu, Zack Ryder? You know what they’ll do to you, don’t you? What they do to traitors.

Zack Ryder: Better to die at the hands of friends than to suffer the company of fools like you. Take care, Hunter. Spike your hair. Woo Woo Woo. You know it.

With that, HHH is left all alone in the ring with Jim Ross and Fat Sin Cara.

HHH: John Cena never even came out here. CM Punk never came out here. Hell, even Randy Orton abandoned me! Randy Orton who I raised and then later beat like a son. Why?

Jim Ross: Because you’re a jackass.

And then Ross leaves.

Fat Sin Cara: Sorry you’re going to die. ECDub.

Even the fans are gone now. And then he’s alone.

HHH: I DON’T NEED ANY OF YOU, DAMMIT! I CAN RUN THIS SHOW BY MYSELF! ALL THESE PEOPLE WANT TO SEE IS TRIPLE H ANYWAY! I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU ALL! YOU THINK TOUGH ENOUGH JESSIE CAN BEAT ME?! SCREW YOU! I’M GOING TO DO THIS! YOU ARE DEAD?! HEAR ME?! DEAD!

The lights go out.

HHH: …what will become of me?

BONG!

Next Week: The Exciting Conclusion of the WWE as we know it.