Last Week: Triple H lost everything. Where does that leave him…TONIGHT?!

Hunter is in the ring in an empty stadium.

Bret Hart: Who are you talking to?

HHH: I don’t know. You, I guess. What are you doing here anyway?

Hart: I have no love for that fatty Dreamer, and besides, with the entire WWE roster off to join up with Tough Enough Jessie, I figured this would be the perfect time to return and regain my precious.

HHH: You know I cannot allow you to have that. My name is on that belt, and the only other who can claim ownership of it is my master.

Hart: Vince has fallen already, you idiot! You ensured that. Well, whatever. It’s your funeral, Hunter. How are you going to spend the last two hours of your life?

HHH: Well, originally I was going to wrestle a broomstick, but then I got an even better idea. How do you combat an army of wrestlers?

Hart: Napalm and shotguns?

HHH: Better! Scabs!

DOMINOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Domino: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YOOOOO!

I don’t know how to rap,
I want to take a nap,
I went to Nigeria,
I’m…uh….?

Glad to be back on RAW,
I think so anyway,
Anything to get a steady check,
Just for saying, “Ey.”

Um….Stop the music.
Seriously you guys, I don’t want to rap,
Anymore, this is really stupid,
I don’t know why John Cena does it.

Ok, fine whatever,
Let me tie this noose,
Because after this stupid show,
My career will be as dead as Deuce.

I don’t know why I said that,
Deuce is fine, I just saw him in Montpelier,
We wrestled Stevie Richards and some fat dude,
Truly, the champ is here.

HHH: Domino! My worst enemy! I’m shocked and a little happy that you’ve decided to come and help me in my fight against Tough Enough Jessie and her army.

Domino: A…army? You told me I’d be working a match or two and get my catering comped!

HHH: Ah…heh.

Bob Backland: Hello fellow! Let me be lugubrious for a second, fellow. I cannot fathom how a man of my superior intellect is being compelled to complete a compulsory utterance of the word “Fellow” at all hours? Egads!

HHH: Maaaan. This is going to be a good night. We’re going to have no problem beating the crap out of Tough Enough Jessie and her ilk.

Hart: I don’t think so, Hunter.

HHH: Who asked you?!

Chris Jericho: Why the hell did I agree to this? I hate you. Honestly, I hope you get captured and strung up. You and Vince both! You’ve been nothing but horrible to me over the course of my life, and you’ve taken professional wrestling, which wasn’t a noble profession, but at least was somewhat exciting, and made it an embarrassing joke. I tell my kids every day that I washed the toilets at Disneyland until I got a deal to be a rock star, because that’s cooler than professional wrestler, or “Sports Entertainer.”

HHH: If you stay here and fight for me, I’ll pay you $200.

Jericho: I swear, you’re the best wrestler alive, Hunter. All those times you beat me? Those were the best matches of my career, and I would rather die defending your honor than live with the knowledge that I could’ve done more to put you over.

HHH: Awesome! Now we’re going to have a match. Because that’s what we do here. Totally normal. Millions of people watching at home and whatnot. Ok, so, it’s going to be the match we’ve all dreamed of! Domino versus Bob Backlund! And on commentary we’re going to have Bret Hart and Chris Jericho!

Hart: Are there even any cameras?

HHH: Shut up!

Domino vs. Bob Backlund

Jericho and Hart immediately begin fighting over who gets to sit in the Colour Commentary chair. Booker T is also on commentary, but I’m pretty sure that’s because he just forgot to leave last week. Backlund stamps around the ring, yelling random insults at no one in particular, while Domino tries to figure out whatever happened to Cherry. I’m pretty sure she went back to the Other Side of the Tracks. I think that’s in Arkansas. Ten seconds into the match, and nobody’s done any moves. Guess it’s time for some-

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Backlund attempts to lock the Crossface Chickenwing on an unsuspecting folding chair at ringside. Bret and Jericho have settled for letting Chris sit on Bret’s lap, and they’ll both do colour. Booker T asks them if the old guy is in his Fave Five, but they ignore Booker so they can talk more about hockey. Domino goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but he doesn’t have a YouTube Channel to try to change to a more adult gimmick, so he ends up getting caught with the Unicycle Kick (The Finisher of Challengers~!), but before Backlund can go for the pin….

Vince McMahon: Hunter, stop this! This…”show” is an embarrassment to everybody involved. To Domino, to Bob Backlund, to the ten people who accidentally turned the channel on RAW tonight, expecting a Psyche marathon. I know I’m not one to talk about these things Hunter, because let’s face it, I’ve done some messed up things in my career. I made people kiss my bare buttock on national TV. I made people bark like dogs. I hired Palmer Cannon, for Pete’s sake. But enough is enough. For the past ten years, something hasn’t been quite right, and I think you should answer for it. They’re not going to kill you, Hunter. Why don’t you go, peacefully turn yourself in, and we’ll figure things out from there? Then we can end this nonsense and get you back to doing whatever it is you do best?

HHH: Are you trying to fire me?! ARE YOU TRYING TO FIRE ME?!

Ric Flair: He’s already fired! Fire him?! He’s already fired!!

HHH: Naitch, what are you doing here?

Flair: I heard you were handing out two hundred bucks!

HHH: Riiight. Listen, Vince. Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s just for the best if I go out there right now and turn myself over to Tough Enough Jessie. Then we can all get on with our lives. How bad can it be. Just…Can I ask one last question, Vince? To the WWE Universe?

Vince: Hunter, you’re my son-in-law. You’ve carried this company when nobody else was stupid enough to. I love you. Of course you can ask your question.

Hunter stares off into the darkness.

HHH: Are you a bad enough Dude to take out the president and CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment?

Johnny Ace shoots Vince from the shadows. Vince McMahon has perished. Again.

HHH: You know, I didn’t think you had it in you. Why help me though? I thought you were working with Vince to take me down.

Ace: I was. But Vince was suggesting surrender. Not good enough. A real dude, a Dynamic Dude, if you will, goes down fighting. Hunter, you offer me a better chance to be that dude.

HHH: Maybe you should stop ever talking.

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Backstage, Johnny Ace checks in a Motley Assortment of Unemployed Wrestlers that will be defending Triple H from this point forward. There’s Suga Rosey. Matt Hardy in a full body cast. And…is that Ultimo Dragon? How is that going to help?

Joey Mercury vs. Christian York

ECDub! ECDub! The referee is even Bill Alfonzo! I was beginning to think we’d never get to see this feud ever since Joey Mercury lost his face and Christian York…ceased to exist. York comes down to the ring being accompanied by The Musketeer, Jason, and Simon Diamond. Oh man, the management team of champions! Mercury tries some parkour style wrestling, in an attempt to emulate his other former tag team partner. Unfortunately for him, Morrison’s offense is basically just him landing on his face for three minutes, and when Mercury does that, he becomes horribly injured. York wins! After the match, Jason, Diamond, and The Musketeer hop into the ring to celebrate, and The Musketeer stabs Joey right in the balls.

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Backstage….

Johnny Ace: Hey, Shane. Sorry you couldn’t make it tonight! Yeah, man, you should’ve seen in. Just blasted him right from the shadows. He never saw it coming. I’ve never felt like a badder, more dynamic dude in my life. I really need to find the ol’ skateboard again. Ah, I gotta cheese it. It’s the fuzz!

Triple H: You know, I’m starting to feel pretty secure up here in my ivory tower! I don’t think Tough Enough Jessie and her motley crew have a chance in hell of getting in here. I’m pretty sure we can hold them off forever, and I’ll never have to see any of those idiots from the WWE roster ever again.

Ace: Haha. That’s why you’re the boss, boss.

HHH: Have you ever tried to pick up teeth with broken fingers?

Ace: No! Yuck! What the hell kind of question is that anyway?!

HHH: Aurora Borealis asked me that last night during a game of “Would You Rather.” It was either that or walk on tip-toes through a vat of diseased rats. Now that I think about it, I wonder if I would’ve been better off with the rats.

Ace: Yeesh. Talk about family game night!

In the ring….

Akeem the African Dream: For 34 years! 34 years, I have waited! But now I am finally living the African dream! That’s right! I am a fat white man on a moderately watched cable television program which is currently suffering through a serious lack of superstars. We did it, my brothers! Africa! Africa! Africa!

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Akeem the African Dream vs. Randy Orton

I’m pretty damn sure that Randy didn’t intentionally cross the picket line, and that he doesn’t even realize that anything is any different tonight. And it’s sort of sweet. He probably doesn’t even realize that Akeem isn’t supposed to be here. It’s just another dude. Akeem gets in some fibbidy flobbidy ofense, but he misses the Big Splash and Orton stands around, unsure that counts as Akeem falling over or not, but WWE RAW Referee Danny Davis isn’t calling for the bell. That changes shortly when Orton is taken out by Dusty Rhodes, who is hootin’ and hollerin’ and elbowin’ and clubberin’ on Orton.

Dusty Rhodes: Hulllabahoolooo on tha mothaship, if you wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel! Tony! Tony! I’ma gonna dine with kings and wine with wings!

Then Dusty elbows Orton one more time and wraps his head in a polka dot singlet.

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Sunny Sunny Sunny and Eve Torres vs. Tara and Rosita

Tara and Rosita, of course, are here because they would much rather be here tonight then spend another day in TNA. And Eve is here because nobody on Team Tough Enough Jessie wanted her. I will say that Sunny looks about a thousand years younger than she did ten years ago, which is pretty impressive. Like, some Dorian Gray style stuff going on. Sunny goes nuts and starts slapping the hell out of Bret Hart at ringside. Eve wins with whatever it is that she does. That’s Her Move! Back to TNA, losers.

Backstage, Edge and Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart (Who?) are looking for salad.

Johnny Ace: I just came out here to say that the announce team of Chris Jericho, Bret Hart, and Booker T have been fired. I’ve decided to replace them with the most awesome commentary team in the history of pro-wrestling. Tony Schiavone, Oklahoma, and Stevie Ray. Bake it away, toys.

Tony Schiavone: IT’S A NEW DAY FOR WCW!

Oklahoma: Cold Stone! Cold Stone! Cold Stone! I’m gonna eat all this Ice Cream.

Stevie Ray: Tony! Tony! Can I ax you a question!

Schiavone: Go ahead, Stevie!

Ray: What’s with all them yaks?!

Schiavone: Oh, I see what he’s getting at, folks! He thinks that women are animals! Just like you can be an animal by drinking a nice refreshing glass of SURRRRRRRRRRGE!

Oklahoma: Surge hasn’t existed for-

Schiavone: SURRRRRRRRRGE!

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“Dave” Batista “Davidson,” Sean Kingston, and Evan Karagias vs. Spirit Squad Mitch, Swole, and Clarence Mason

Oh, man. Triple H’s best friend and worst child is back! Welcome back, Mitch! No, seriously, though, it’s good to see Batista has lost all his steroid muscles, and now just looks like a tired old man trying to figure out what is going on with his daughter. Also, he’s reading at a third grade level! Really, of all the things we’ve accomplished over the last ten years, I think that’s the one we can be the proudest of. Swole with the heart punch to WWE RAW Referee Master P. Everybody’s pretty embarrassed about that.

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Batista is hitting OSPREY BOMBS TO EVERYBODY~! Confident that he’s made his point to everyone, including the announce team, he leaves, no doubt to start reading his next big novel “Frog and Toad Are Friends.” Sean Kingston looks confused. Hey, that’s what you get for buying RAW, dude. Also for having no face. Just like Joey Mercury. They can compare notes on how not to fall off things/ram your face into bridges. Evan Karagias does a little dance and Tank Abbot appears to punch Mitch. Master P can’t disqualify a guy for that, so Evan wins.

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Here’s a clip of John Cena in “The Reunion” which Tony Schiavone has termed the “Greatest Movie in the History of Great Movies.”

Ricardo Flair: WOO! Triple H! WOO! THE NATURE BOY! Evolution, back together again! WOOOO!

Triple H: Ugh. I totally forgot about that.

Randy Orton: Has anybodies seen Mork Hurley? I think I’m support to be fooding with him.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I have seen NOTHING! Frog and Toad are HILLARIOUS!

HHH: Where the hell did you learn words like that?

Batista: I took KINDERGARTEN!

HHH: Great. Good for you.

Just Joe runs in and whispers something to Orton.

Orton: Apparently, somebloody named Touch Enoch Jamie is attaching the arena. She’d already killered Swell and Bod Blackman.

HHH: Great. And now, with you gaggle of idiots failing to protect me, I will die.

Flair: WOOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

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Armando Alessandro Estrada vs. Chris Jericho

Truly, a match for the ages. Armando gets to introduce himself before the match, but it’s just not the same without him talking about his new manga or Totally Not Jamal. What ever happened to that guy, anyway? Armando throws his hat at Jericho to start, and WWE RAW Referee Konan decides to allow it, because throwing clothing should be a normal part of the match. Johnny Ace, however, does not seem to feel this way.

Johnny Ace: What the hell are you two doing out here! The rebels are attacking! Just Joe is down. I’m pretty sure Sunny is hanging from a flag pole by her pants right now. And I’m pretty sure that Mitch has been beheaded! We need you out there!!

Chris Jericho: I…don’t really care!

Armando Alessandro Estrada: I…am Armando Alessandro Estrrrrrrrrrrrrrada!

Ace: What?! NO! YOU NEED TO HELP US!!!

Jericho: See you in the next life, sucker.

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Somewhere, deep within the bowels of the arena, WWE Superstars are quickly gaining ground on HHH’s ragtag band of former wrestlers, TNA people who needed more money than $2, and Indy guys who responded to an ad on Craigslist. Tommy Dreamer, armed with a Kendo stick already flopping from overuse. He drops it and throws his belt at Konan, who dies immediately.

Tough Enough Jessie shoves her way into the building and seizes Zack Ryder by the collar. He begins to cry.

Zack Ryder: I’m sorry, Princess Leia! I thought he would give me a push! He said he’d give me TV time! I could pay for my dad to finally go on that trip with Melina! I needed to help pay for The Big O to live out his dream of yelling at Kelly Kelly Kelly about how much he loves her for an hour. Please forgive me. I should never have left! I wish I was a better man!

Tough Enough Jessie wails him with a glass tube, but leaves him alive. Broken, bloody, but still alive. Mantaur and The Berzerker see each other across an empty hall, and bellow the loudest war cries ever heard by men or beast. Sword and axe crashed together in a symphony of violence, The two men are equally matched, both being strong, insanely violent, and about 70 years old. They go on like this for a while, weapons clanging off each other, squelching deep gashes in each other’s skins, until they both see an opening. They race to sink their weapons deep into each other’s hearts. Their bodies slump together in bloody death, one final embrace between mortal enemies.

The fighting goes on around those bodies, having nothing to do with the chance meeting of the two, who were never invited to this or any other fancy parties. Somewhere, X-Pac screamed. Casualties were a sad fact of war. Already they’d lost Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters to irrelevance, and Trent Barretta was eaten alive by Akeem, but Triple H’s army was far worse off. In fact, Jessie and Dreamer were almost to their quarry. But before they could get to Hunter, they’d have to take on something that even she feared deeply.

Triple H’s Door.

A monster she’d hoped never to have to face. The final blockade, but definitely the most fearsome. To his credit, Curt Hawkins did not hesitate. He launched himself at the door without fear, and Jessie promised herself that she would say a kind word for him when they buried the jelly that was left of him after the door repelled his attack. Or send flowers, at least.

They would need bigger firepower than that, but who on this misshapen roster matched the power of Triple H’s Door? William Regal offered to step up. He held an axe in one hand, the remnant of a former career as a woodsman. He slammed the axe down onto the door with a satisfying thud. But the head bounced off, flew backwards, splitting Regal’s skull, and careened down the hallway where it slew Alex Riley. Nobody cared.

William Regal: Bloody hell, door! You’re lucky I’m a vampire, or you’d feel so guilty for killing me just now!

No, they needed more. Jessie chewed her lip, trying to think up ways to get around this most massive of obstacles. Maybe they could go through the wall. The wall, after all, was dead. But then she heard a commotion down the hall, and her heart sank. She knew the sound that slowly buzzed through the crowd, and she dreaded it. They didn’t need him. In his own way, he was even worse than Triple H. But, she considered, she was in no place to turn down any help.

APPLE DOUGH!

John Cena parted the crowd with salutes all around. The other wrestlers all looked slightly annoyed, but he continued to salute and they continued to not salute back. All the way up to Triple H’s door he matched, and Jessie just now noticed that he was carrying Domino under one arm.

John Cena: Triple H’s Door?! You’ve disappointed the children of this great country for the last time. If I could be serious for a moment, quite frankly, Triple H’s door, you’ve disappointed nobody more than me. I used to trust you. I used to look up to you. When I was growing up, I was mad that my door wasn’t more like you. I wanted to be you! My first gimmick in UPW was as a door! But you…you aren’t Triple H’s door anymore. You’ve let us all down! And now…I have to put you out of your own misery! Because you, sir…thing, are…Poopy!

With that resounding speech delivered, Cena dashed forward, thrusting Domino ahead of him like a battering ram. Domino immediately crumpled, causing Cena to run headlong into the door, smashing his face in. Cena refused to sell this however, and he immediately stood up, gave the door a long, hard stare, and waved his hand in front of his face like some kind of windshield wiper. Then he gave the door a Five Knuckle Knock.

It shattered, wood splinters flying everywhere. One buried itself deep into William Regal’s chest, and he immediately turned an ashy white.

Regal: Oh bugger.

Soon, all that remained of him was a pile of dust. But Tough Enough Jessie didn’t mourn. Not anymore. She couldn’t mourn. So, instead, she just marched into Triple H’s dressing room. There was the King of King’s himself, surrounded by his closest advisors, perched atop a whole pineapple in the middle of a fruit tray.

Triple H: Attack, my minions! ATTACK!!!

The Tista was the first to come, hoping to catch them all with a Giant Sized Osprey Bomb. But he’d never learned his lesson from Oregon Trail. He moved too fast, didn’t eat enough, didn’t have enough axles or clothing, and he died right there on the spot from cholera.

Flair was the next one to go, chopping wildly at a broomstick before locking it in a Figure Four and turning red with rage, calling for it to tap out, and asking it if he can borrow $50 to $100,000. Eventually, the broomstick taps out, after what everyone present agrees was a **** match, easily. Then all the blood vessels in his head explode.

Randy Orton naps in a corner, oblivious to whatever the hell is going on.

HHH: Johnny! Johnny Ace! My main man! My…Uh…Ace! Get them! Stop them!

Johnny Ace: Sorry, Hunter, but I’ve learned one valuable lesson here today. I should probably stop working for the loser. I am off to my home planet.

Johnny Ace takes off on his rocket powered skateboard towards his home planet. He dies along the way.

HHH: Fine, I guess I’ll have to do this myself! PEDIGREE TO TOUGH ENOUGH JESSIE~!

Tough Enough Jessie goes down. The crowd gasps in horror. Tommy Dreamer slowly lets a urinal cake fall from his mouth.

HHH: Who else? Huh? Who else wants to test me?! I’m King of Kings for a reason! Nobody can take me!

Drew McIntyre appears from the shadows, but he is quickly dispatched with a PEDIGREE TO DREW McINTYRE! A sledgehammer blast sends Michael Tarver back to wherever he came from. David Hart Smith gets a pineapple in the face for his troubles.

Dreamer: Come on, guys! You should’ve attacked together, not one at a time!

HHH: Too late, Dreamer! Now…Nobody can stop Sin Cara! I mean, Ulti…Triple H! Yeah!

BONG!

The lights come back on and Best Western Party Host Dr. The Bogeyman is filling a pinata with gummy worms.

BONG!

The lights come back and a Rather Officious Looking Penguin is filling out some paperwork. He looks up and chatters in surprise.

BONG!

Gangrel is sitting on the floor, covered in corn syrup.

BONG!

Perry Saturn in a dress.

BONG!

RVD! Yeah! All right!!

BONG!

Triple H is handcuffed by Kane, and being dragged forward. The Disemvoiced Body of the Undertaker and Former RAW General Manager Demon Girl stride forward to meet them.

HHH: Great. Just what I needed. More Kane.

Demon Girl: Silence, whelp! Now we shall have our revenge. You have two weeks to prepare a defense, Hunter. And trust me, you’re going to need them. Kane! Bring him to the dungeons!

Kane: The…huh?

Demon Girl: *sigh*…The boiler room!

Kane: That’s our dungeon…But I live down there!

Demon Girl: JUST DO IT ALREADY!

To be continued….