Last Week: The Ghost of Wrestling Future, Hulk Hogan taught Triple H…Nothing, really. What a waste of time. Maybe he’ll learn something…TONIGHT!

Triple H: So, what are you here to teach me about how I’ve ruined the wrestling industry using examples from the present to show me how many guys’ careers I’ve ruined.

Zack Ryder: You know it, bro!

HHH: Ugggggh! Can’t we just watch TV or something? I’m, like, three months behind on my Suvivor watching. I’ve got big money on the skinny girl.

Ryder: You want to watch TV? You got it, bro.

(Opening Credits)

Last Week: CM Punk-

HHH: NOOOOoooooo! It’s my worst nightmare!

In the ring….

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YOOOOO! YOOOO! YOOO!

Cheer me or boo me,
I don’t really care,
I can’t afford more jorts,
And my cupboard is bare!

I moved back with my dad,
Because I couldn’t pay my rent,
John Cena is back and kickin’,
Living with my parents!

Merry Christmas fans,
Be of at least a little cheer,
Because you’ve got more than me,
And WWE’S CARDBOARD BOX CHAMPION IS HERE!

Alberto Del Rio: I know how you feel, John! I live in constant fear of being deported with my life partner! I have to move around the country every week in the hopes that they won’t catch up to me! I’m living in my car!

Cena: What are you driving these days?

Del Rio: A 1989 Geo Metro!

Cena: Nice!

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me, good sirs. I was wondering. My boyfriend and I are cold and starving. He can’t even afford a t-shirt that fits him.

Cena: Aw, Dolph. I was really hoping those jobs as cheerleader and caddy were going to work out for you! I’m sorry, I don’t have anything for you. I gave my last two dollars away to my children in the CeNation.

Dolph Zigger: Aw fish sticks! I kept getting fired for some reason. I even made sure I introduced myself to everyone. But nobody likes me. One guy kept saying I was a show off.

The Miz: Hey, guys. I found an old can of beans under a pile of jaunty hats? Anybody want a spoonfull?

Cena: Do I ever!

Johnny Ace: Hey! You kids get out from under that bridge this instant! Don’t make me call The Mountie!

The guys and Vickie grumble but slowly disperse.

Triple H: So…you’re showing me how destitute WWE guys are without me? I mean…That’s not exactly teaching me anything about humility “bro.” It just makes me feel great.

Ryder: Just shut up and keep watching, broski.

Randy Orton vs. The Miz

Orton accidentally pushes his cart into Miz, causing the can of beans to spill. Miz and Orton start fighting over the can while Wade Barrett tapes it with his iPhone while looking as smarmy as humanly possible. He then immediately sells the footage for $1 million, which he blows on hair gel and a spare Legal Eagle costume.

Triple H: That Wade Barrett really knows where it’s at. If I didn’t constantly have the urge to hold him down every time I saw him, I think he’d make a pretty good WWE Champion.

Ryder: I gotta say, I’m pretty jealous of all that hair gel he’s got. Take care and spike your hair, Wade!

HHH: You’re the worst person I know, Zack.

Ryder: Shhh!

In an alleyway….

Johnny Ace: Didn’t I tell you to get out of here? Go back to your dad’s house!

Cena: Aw! Do I have to?

Elsewhere….

David Otunga: -and then she left me! Do you know how hard it is to find a job with a Harvard Law degree in this economy? I’ve had to stop drinking coffee!

Kevin Nash: I hate literally everything about you. Now if you don’t leave, I’m going to go all Super Shredder and knock over this bridge.

Triple H: Aw! Kevin! Look at how dark his weird beard is!

Zack Ryder: You don’t want to know what made it that color.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Daniel Bryan

Daniel Bryan starts screaming obscenities at some passing pigeons and gets counted out. Then five cats run out of his beard and attack Ricardo. Three “ladies of the night” walk by them.

HHH: I like where this is going!

Eve Torres and Kelly Kelly Kelly (w/ Alicia Fox) vs. Beth Phoenix and Natalya

They fight for a while about the territory’s ownership. But then The Godfather struts in and they have an impromptu dance party. Daniel Bryan wanders by and eats a sandwich that was helpfully hiding within his beard.

Triple H: Oh, man. I miss my beard. You know what kind of stuff I could hide up in there?

Zack Ryder: You ever get the feeling that you were supposed to be somewhere else, but you can’t remember where?

HHH: Yeah, I’ve felt like that for the past month and a half now. But I’d rather you be anywhere but here.

Ryder: Don’t make me fist pump your face, bro.

John Cena vs. John Cena

On his way back to his house, John Cena breaks down in tears and then accidentally punches himself in the face. Then he stops by an AA meeting for some free coffee and a powdered donut. Cena wins!

David Otunga: John, what are you doing here?

John Cena: It just seemed appropriate. How about you?

Otunga: Free coffee!

Johnny Ace: I think it’s disingenuous to fuel your addiction by coming to an addiction support group, David.

Otunga: Nobody asked you!

Triple H: These people look so miserable! Who eats powdered donuts? That’s gross!

Zack Ryder: I like powdered sugar!

HHH: Of that I have no doubt.

Ryder: But again, I feel like I should be somewhere. Oh well.

Mark Henry vs. Sanity Itself

Mark Henry drops his bundle of old Highlights Magazines and begins screaming at a stray Nitrogren molecule that strayed too far into his orbit. Then he sees a bicycle and takes it into the Hall of Pain. Then he eats it. Daniel Bryan nods in approval from the gutter.

Elsewhere….

Vickie Guerrero: Where are we going to get enough money for you to get a phone so you can start “tweeting?”

Dolph Ziggler: Selling Swagger into slavery?

Jack Swagger: Even they wouldn’t want me.

Swagger starts crying, and Vickie and Dolph shuffle away nervously.

Triple H: Nobody wants Swagger? Aw. I’ll take him.

Zack Ryder: You can’t, actually. This is just a vision.

Kevin Nash vs. Santino Marella

Nash Jackknifes Santino’s car. Santino shouts, “NOT AGAIN!” and drives up a flagpole. A Gecko and a Duck show up to figure out how to resolve this, but they are ambushed by Mark Henry and Daniel Bryan respectively and devoured.

Triple H: This is gross. I don’t know how much more I can take.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus

Dolph is on his way to try to sell Swagger, when Sheamus appears out of the sewers and sticks him with a shiv. Then he kicks Dolph in the face (The Finisher of Champions!) and steals his way too small T-shirt, which looks even more ridiculous on him, but whatever.

HHH: Somebody do something! Those poor guys!

Ryder: You had your chance to help and you blew it. There’s only one way to prevent this fate now!

Alberto Del Rio: Oh no! It’s the feds! I’m out of here!

The Mountie: Everybody here is under arrest for some reason or another!

Del rio: Save yourself, Ricardo!

Ricardo Rodriguez: I’ll never forget you, whatever your name is!

The Miz: I swear I didn’t kill that guy! Morrison was dead when I found him!

John Cena: Bad rap is not a crime!

CM Punk: I’m the KING OF THE HOBOS!

Johnny Ace: Ahahahahahaha! You stupid bums are all going to jail! And then you’re going to die! I wish you luck on your future endevorus! AHAHAHAHA!

Tough Enough Jessie: Looks like everybody’s going to die. Well, at least we all have each other. I love you all! Goodbye!

Tommy Dreamer stands up from his latest spine crippling injury, propping himself up on a kendo stick.

Tiny Tommy: ECDub! ECDub! ECDub!

HHH: Look at him! He’s just so…cute! I can’t do this anymore! That guy still thinks it’s 1999! It’s so…adorable! I give up! I confess! Just so long as I don’t hurt poor Tommy Dreamer anymore!

And Triple H is back at his house. He rushes to a window.

HHH: You there! What day is it?!

Passerby: December 5^th. Buy a calendar!

HHH: So there’s still time! There’s still time for the Satireversary!

Passerby: What the hell is a Satireversary?!

Other Guy: It’s some stupid thing. Hey! No there’s not still time! That was two months ago!

HHH: My good men! Get me two of the best briefcase cakes you can buy and bring them back here post haste!

Passerby: What is this idiot talking about?

Other Guy: Hey! Buy your own cakes, buddy! Go to hell!

But Triple H is already back inside.

HHH: It’s time to make amends.

BONG!

The Undertaker: I’m glad you see it that way. Because I’m the Ghost of Wrestling Past. More specifically, your past. And if you’re really ready, it’s time for you to stand trial.

HHH: I’m ready, I think. I’ve done wrong, and for Tommy Dreamer, I have to pay. But hey, I thought you weren’t supposed to talk.

Undertaker: Urban legend. Besides, it’s you that isn’t supposed to be talking.

HHH: Hmph.

Next Week: The Trial Resumes.