Triple H sits alone in the ring.

Triple H: Err…Don’t I get a trial? Or something?

The Voice of the Undertaker: Of course. Your lawyer is just running late.

Nunzio: I’m here! I’m here! Sorry. I just keep getting fired, so I stopped answering my phone. What’ve I got lined up? Refereeing? Wrestling? …Sexual favors?

Taker: Nothing like that. You’re defending Triple H in a court case that, if he loses, will tear apart the fabric of the WWE Universe, but if he wins will be the end of professional wrestling forever, but will grant you at least one Twizzler.

Nunzio: Nothing serious then, huh? We got this, big lug. I’m gonna get us that Twizzler.

HHH: Not to harp on your defensive abilities…whoever you are…but do you actually have a law degree? Or something?

Nunzio: No, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night!

HHH: You-

Nunzio: Just kidding, Hunter! Geez! I got my degree from an online college! I passed the bar in Cambodia.

Taker: Close enough for me!

HHH: I’m somewhat less enthusiastic about this.

Edge: If it makes you feel any better, I’m still running the prosecution, and I haven’t gotten any better.

HHH: That actually does make me feel about 22% better.

Edge: So, you’ve been accused of basically ruining professional wrestling. How do you plead?

HHH: I’m sort of guilty, I guess? In terms of having sex with that mannequin. Not our proudest moment, admittedly. But come on! I’m the King!

Edge: Yeah, but so am I.

William Regal: I am also a king.

Sheamus: I’m the king too, fella.

CM Punk: I’M KING OF THE HOBOS!

Evan Bourne: People keep telling me I'm the king of Israel lately.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Booker T: King Booker SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Claudio Castagnoli: Where’s Chris Hero, anyway? We’re the Kings of Wrestling.

Triple H: Yeah, but I’m the King of Kings! On your knees, Doug.

Doug Basham: W…What the hell, man? I haven’t even been in WWE for five years! Leave me alone!

The Undertaker: Ah! But you’re not the true king of kings. Because the shocking swerve is that your daughter Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque is actually the daughter of Stephanie and Shane!

HHH: No way! Chris Tian! Is that true?!

Chis Tian: How the hell am I supposed to know? I mean, it’s probably true. I would have sex with Shane.

Tommy Dreamer: It is true! It is true! I saw it and then Shane threw me off the Titantron!

Steve Blackman: That was me!

Dreamer: Well, I was thrown off something sometime. Let’s not get bogged down in the semantics of who got thrown off of what by who.

Nunzio: Objection!

Taker: Huh?

Nunzio: Relevance. The witness has clearly taken too many kendo stick shots to the head and he’s just babbling about whatever we’re talking about.

Taker: ….

Nunzio: What?

Taker: Er…Sustained. You’re probably right!

HHH: Great job, Steve-o!

Hornswoggle: Hey, guys. I know I was supposed to play the dwarf in this scenario, because “Ha ha, he’s an actual dwarf!” but I’d really appreciate it if I could be the strapping commander of the horse army who gets to have sex with the beautiful foreign princess.

Tyler Reks: Well what the hell am I supposed to do then?

Taker: Nothing. Just like normal.

Reks: Har har. I’m totally going to make a cartoon about this. It’s going to rock the foundation of this company SO hard.

Kelly Kelly Kelly: As the figurehead of the WWE Divas, I’d like to assert that none of these so called “kings” should have any control of the wrestling industry! What we need is a queen.

Hornswoggle: You tell them, baby!

Randy Orton: Karly Karly Karly, as much as I love your perpetuity, I can’t not degree with your clam to the WMD throne!

Hornswoggle throws a pot over Orton’s head.

Orton: I can’t not see! What tockery is this?! You can’t not fool the Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the RVD Girl’s Chocolatechip Ranky Q. Morgan!

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!

Orton falls over. Orton wins!

HHH: Rob, what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in TNA or something?

RVD: Oh yeah! I totally forgot about that! I’m contractually obligated to show up at TNA events and not have sex! Yeah! All right!!

Hornswoggle: They really don’t let you do that up there?

Chris Tian: Yeah, or else everybody’d be married to Karen Jarrett by now.

HHH: Chris Tian! Perfect! I want you to be my Hand for this trial.

Tian: Ew, gross. No.

HHH: Not like that! You just have to defend my honor against your brother here.

Nunzio: Isn’t that what I’m doing?

HHH: Rather poorly.

Dolph Ziggler: Well, this trial is a sham anyway! Everybody knows Triple H is guilty. There isn’t a person here in this strangely huge room who hasn’t been held down by him at one time or another except Undertaker. I mean who knows what could’ve happened if he hadn’t interfered and taken over WWE? Or if he hadn’t destroyed the industry’s credibility by sexing up that doll? Why…Test could’ve been the biggest star the industry has ever seen!

Everyone shudders.

Dolph: Ok. Ok. Too far. But you know what? I don’t care. If I’m going in on this, I’m going all in. First of all, I mean to save the wrestling industry with my inoffensive matches and vaguely entertaining promos (#Heel) and I’m going to marry the woman of my dreams and we’re going to skyrocket to superstardom!

Vickie Guerrero: Finally!

Dolph: Finally, I’m marrying Stacy Keibler! My Darling Stacy!

Stacy Keibler: I…Never agreed to this. I’m supposed to be at Clooney Manor right now and-

Dolph: Perfect! Now, as for Triple H, let’s just get this over with. Off with his head!

Dolph Ziggler: Off with his head!

HHH: Woah woah woah woah! You don't want to behead me! Behead my hand! Err...wait! Don't do that! Behead Chris Tian!

Tian: No! What sense does that even make? You can't just go around beheading me! I never agreed to be anybody’s Hand anyway! I’m still not sure what that means!

AJ Lee: Don't worry, Chris, I'll always remember you!

Tian: Thanks? Maybe?

Kane grabs Christian and beheads him.

Edge: Ob...objection!

Taker: Overruled. That was cool.

Nunzio leans over to HHH.

Nunzio: I think we're winning.

HHH: I don't know. I think we could‘ve used more Kane. Let him behead everybody.

Kelly: Ok! Guys! I know nobody would listen to me earlier, but I’ve got a new plan. Instead of marrying Hornswoggle or Randy Orton or whatever, I’ve got a guy here who will take beat everybody up and let me take over.

Daniel Bryan: I thought this was going to be a Tupperware party.

Kelly: Yeah, well if I told you that it was a trial to determine the fate of the world, would you have come?

Bryan: I don’t know. Probably?

Kelly: Well, you’re here now! So go! Defend my honor!

Bryan: You lied to me!

Punk: Hey, Dragon! Forget that broad. She’s not any good anyway. Come over here and hang out with the Hobo Crew.

Mark Henry: I’m taking this can of beans to the HALL OF PAIN! WHICH IS IN MY STOMACH! GET IN MY STOMACH BEANS!

Bryan: I can’t eat beans. They’ve got too much meat in them.

Taker: Somehow I feel that I’ve lost control of these proceedings. Order in the court! Order in the court!

Henry: I’LL TAKE MORE BEANS! MY ORDER IS FOR MORE BEANS! MORE OF THEM! DOUBLE THE BEANS!

Taker: I…Ugh. Never mind. I’m declaring a brief recess. I’ll be back in five minutes. Nobody touch anything.

BONG!

Edge: He’s gone! Everybody start touching everything!

Nunzio: Objection!

HHH: Oh man. Would it have killed you to watch an episode of Perry Mason or something first?

Nunzio: I once teamed with Perry Saturn. That’s awfully close. Now where’d Taker go? I was about to call Dawn Marie to the stands so we could talk about tire tracks!

HHH: Oh, I think she knows a little something about tire tracks! Know what I mean? Hahahahahahaha!

Nunzio: Hahahahahahahaha!

HHH: Hahahahahahahaha!

Nunzio: Wait. No. I don’t know what you mean.

HHH: I…uh…I swear I had something there, but maybe not.

Punk: I’ll give one thing to you Hunter, you may be a egomaniacal, stupid bastard who has attempted to ruin my career about seven different times, but you really know how to throw an end of the world party.

HHH: This isn’t a party, it’s a trial! My trial! And I’ve done all sorts of bad things, but I just want a chance to defend myself and my position in the wrestling industry! I didn’t just show up and marry the bosses’ daughter! I worked my way up from the middle and then married the bosses daughter!

Nunzio: And I’m in it for the Twizzlers.

Taker: Ok. I’m back. Hopefully things have settled down. I think it’s Mr. Edgeworth’s turn to call a witness to the stand. Edge?

Edge: For my first witness, I call-

Tough Enough Jessie: Me. You call me. And I’d like to submit one piece of evidence. Evidence that proves that Triple H will bring about the end of not only the WWE Universe, but life in general.

HHH: How? You can't say that. You're just a cry-y baby who wanted to be a wrestler until we crushed your hopes and dreams!

T.E. Jessie: You really don't know do you? After all these years. You spend so much time playing with your stupid cat and Sarah McLaughlin records that you don't know your OWN DAUGHTER!

HHH: What?!

Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

Taker: WHAT?!

Edge: What?

Orton: Pot?

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

T.E. Jessie: That's right. It is I! Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque! I've come back from the future to stop you from ruining the world of professional wrestling and everything else! But I got so excited to be around you and hanging out in the WWE that I became a weepy mess. But I'm over it, and I'm over you! You are guilty and I will see you hang! Or...whatever it is we're going to do. I'm not even sure what the deal is.

Taker: I wasn’t planning on hanging anybody, no.

Kane: Aw!

HHH: This is…This is ludicrous! You can’t expect me to believe that you’re my daughter. You’re not little Aurora Borealis! Murphy Brown, maybe. Or Evil Lynn!

T.E. Jessie: Oh, but I am, “Daddy,” and while you and grandpa Vince have been shoving me down backstage, firing me every week, and causing me horrible trauma for the past ten years, I’m finally ready to take my revenge.

Nunzio: I don’t have any defense prepared for a time traveling daughter, man. Sorry. Do you think we could argue her down to talking dog?

Next Week: In an epic showdown, Triple H takes on his own daughter.