by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

"I’m dead SEXY!" 
     — The Big Show as Fat Bastard

Welcome back to The Ring. Immolator here. Let me introduce you to my leetle friend…

Announcer:  “Introducing first, from Shelburne, Nova Scotia, weighing in at a svelte 182 pounds… ‘The Red Lion’… Calum Macbeth!”

Well, there he is, folks. Wearing tights made from the Macbeth tartan, and a black T-shirt with the red rampant lion from the Royal Flag of Scotland, with the lion inside a yellow shield. Theme music: “Red” by King Crimson. Finishing move: The “Red Alert,” a Texas Cloverleaf. Other signature moves: The “Redout,” a dragon sleeper. And, of course, the red mist. Remember: red mist burns. Green mist blinds. Also remember: all rights reserved. (grin)

This character went through about a zillion transformations before finally rising to the surface. My first idea involved the colour red as a major design element, but the character itself turned out to be too much like one of the ECCW wrestlers I met later on, a fellow by the name of Abbadon. So I went back to the drawing board.

Way, way back in 1990 or so, my friends and I in Ottawa started doing the IWA play-by-mail wrestling stuff that advertises in the Apter mags. We created a wrestling clan, if you wee-ul, all with the last name of Macbeth. There was Duncan, Andrew, Black Angus, and Mad Malcolm. Each with his own story, personality traits, etc. And each with an outrageously thick Scots brogue. It was fun for a bit. Then we got bored, so we stopped.

Enter the Internet age, and e-wrestling. My friends and I had scattered to the four winds by then, but we kept in touch. We started up the Macbeths again, wrote matches and promos in several places, including the IIWF, which was top of the mountain back in ’97 or so. Then they closed down, and we got bored, or had jobs to do, so we stopped.

So, summoning up all that back story, enter Calum Macbeth. I really, really wanted to do him with a brogue, but was advised against it. Which is too bad, because I could have riffed on all the stuff Mike Myers has done, including the aforementioned Fat Bastard. But I wanted to keep the Celtic design elements there, and the colour red. The compromise is that Calum is from Nova Scotia, a province on Canada’s East Coast settled in part by Scotsmen. I was born there and did grow up in Shelburne, so there ya go.  

My preference is to be a heel. But my training is in both heelishness and facedom. You never know when a promoter from some far off place will pick up the phone and say “I need a face.” Which is kind of weird taken out of context.

Calum Macbeth will debut at some point before the end of the year, if my training keeps up. I feel some major improvement has been made. This past Tuesday, we spent a long time focusing on elbow drops, then had another match. This was a tag team affair between myself and Jared (The man we call ‘WWE’) as faces, and Lumberjack Bubba (the trainer) and a gentleman named Ryan as heels. I had the pleasure of playing Ricky Morton during this match. I got beat up in all sorts of ways. And there was some flow to it. The finish came when Jared hit a top rope legdrop on Ryan and tagged me in for the vaunted People’s Elbow and the pin. I can’t believe I went in there and pulled of my elbow pad and did the whole schtick. It was fun.

Wednesday’s lesson with Starr was one for the books. About eight of us showed up, and two guys started play-amateur wrestling one another during the stretching session, while Starr wasn’t looking. That earned us all a good verbal assault when Starr turned around. He was none too pleased, brothers and sisters. He read us the riot act, which was good. It’s a serious business, folks.

After taking various and painful turnbuckle bumps, we had another match, a six-man bout with myself on the heel team. It started off well with me exchanging simple holds with The Man Called Dylan, and continued fairly well with the other guys. The finish, on the other hand… let’s just use the word ‘clusterfrick’ right now and move on.

Aside from the lessons, I had the good fortune to talk with The Count this past week. It turns out that he is also a DJ, and he was good enough to help me get some part-time hours at the place he works. I also worked out with him and Asian Cooger the other day. The Count showed me some techniques that he was taught by someone that has some connection or other with the Navy Seals. He also showed me some very good abdominal exercises using the Swiss Ball, which you may have seen on Kiana’s Flex Appeal or something. We don’t get that on TSN anymore. (sniff) Don’t get me started. Anyway, The Count’s an all right dude, so make sure you boo him lustily when you come to the ECCW shows.

Speaking of which, I see we got some promo during one of the NWA-TNA shows. ECCW was included in a list of affiliates the viewing audience was encouraged to support. Ex-cellent. See, folks, it’s all about networking.

On that note, I gotta get ready for my DJ shift today. Then I have to get a hold of a costume designer. With any luck, my good friend Shawn will provide me with an illustration of Calum Macbeth that you can view next week. Same Immo-time, same Immo-channel.

Peace.

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