by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

"I’m turning Japanese-ah, I’m turning Japanese, I really think so" 
       — The Vapors.

This is The Ring. My name, sometimes, is “The Immolator” Calum Macbeth, and I like to hurt people. Happy Thanksgiving to all my American homeyz.

As you may recall, I buggered up my left ankle and knee a couple of weeks ago. Last Saturday, having nothing better to do, I went to the House of Pain for the afternoon lesson. I figured I was well enough to gimp around a bit and practice things like forearms, chops and thumbs to the eye, and duck out if it got more intense than that. Well, after mummifying myself in tape and tensor bandages, I gave it a whirl. I felt pretty good. I ran a lap around the warehouse compound, did some stretches, and completed a pretty good practice with lots of bumps. The only thing I had trouble with was bearing weight and turning on my left foot, so no waistlock takedowns, for example.

Now, since I stuck around for the Saturday night show at the HoP, let me tell you about this masked dude that came out and wrestled Seth Knight, the latter being a man who reminds me vaguely of Chris Jericho. The guy in the mask called himself Super Antares, hailing from Japan. He wore what appeared to be a Super Astros mask with the top cut off, and the hair that jutted out had red streaks in it to match his big red pants. I mean, those pants were big. I think they were from a judo gi. He also had on a black ECCW T-shirt with the company logo in big, red letters.

A lot of red there. On a whim, I looked up “Antares,” and it’s a big, red star in the constellation Scorpio. Ah, so it all fits, then. Plus, as it turns out, Super Antares uses a scorpion deathlock as a finisher. Too clever by far, if I do say so myself. And I do.

Seth Knight came out to his theme, “Renegades of Funk” as performed by Rage Against the Machine. Super Antares entered to “Dance with the Devil” by a Toronto band called Raggadeath. Great tune, lots of energy. I wonder if they’ll ever hook up again for another album. Anyway, Seth used to go under the name “Average Joe,” and the fans never let him forget about it. Seth asked Antares if he’d like to join himself and Skag Rollins, aka The American Wet Dream, as part of their collective, known as Club International. Antares looked all excited, took the mic, pointed at Seth, and said in a really thick Japanese accent, “You… Ah-fu-la-ji Joe!”

The people loved it. “Average Joe! Average Joe!” On the chant went, egged on by the unusual dance stylings of Antares.

The bell rings. Lock up, Seth hits an arm drag and celebrates. Lock up, Seth hits a hip toss, and celebrates. Antares ain’t happy. Lock up, Seth hits a bodyslam, and celebrates to the crowd. Antares gets up… he’s pissed. Seth turns around… arm drag! Hip toss! Bodyslam! Antares goes for the scorpion! But Seth bails to the outside.

Pescado!

[Double take]

Well. Super Antares hit Seth Knight perfectly with that one. For the uninitiated, the move is a slingshot over the top rope flying cross body block. Now, it just so happens, coincidentally enough, that The Immo also performed that move recently. So let me tell you how it feels.

It feels good. There’s the adrenaline rush as you grab the top rope, knowing that you are about to launch yourself over. There’s the solid thwack of chest hitting chest, much harder than a normal cross body. If you land all right, then the internal “Ho-lee $h1t!” meter goes off the charts, hopefully followed by an external reciprocation. Oooooh, it feels good.

I’ve said it before: wrestling is a disease. But this rush, this is a special form of the disease. It can’t possibly be healthy, to want to do something like that.

Anyway, after Antares threw him back in the ring, it was pretty much all Seth Knight after that. He caught Antares with a “bareback,” then a series of stomps. Antares tried to fight back with a sunset flip, but only got a two-count before Seth caught him flush in the jaw with a rolling heel kick. Seth cranked Antares over with a gut wrench for two. He went for another suplex, but Antares blocked it and scored with a Michinoku Driver. Second rope legdrop for two. Dropkick to the knee… Shining Wizard! Just barely grazed him, I think. Antares tries for the scorpion again… but Seth fights it, fights it some more, and eventually fights out of it and turns it into a “Sethmission,” his version of the Rings of Saturn. Game Over.

I like this Super Antares punk. My sources suggest we may see more of him in the future. Of course, he’s no Calum Macbeth…

Until next time, peace.

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