I’m not one of them. I’ve wrestled maybe 70 times in three years. I could have wrestled more, maybe twice that. Even then, I’d only have gotten in about half as much ring time as Chris Benoit did in just his first year with Stampede. Wrestling as both a pursuit and a passion has fallen to the bottom of my priority list, and I’d bet a lot of wrestlers who could otherwise have become the Next Next Big Thing (not that I’m saying I would have) feel the same way.

TNA provides hope for wrestling viewers, at least, but it’s a short-term thing, like morphine to dull the pain from a wound that’s going to take your leg. If they really want to give the WWE a run for their money, I think they should turn the NWA as we know it into a viable network of frequently running indy feds, developing talent while keeping it away from the competition. And hire me to their announce team, of course.

In the meantime, I’ve completely lost interest in WWE and haven’t followed what’s on TV for the past two months, beyond a cursory look at OO recaps. With that in mind, here’s my very skewed look at the year past. Thanks in advance for reading.

THE VERY BEST OF 2005

BEST WRESTLER OF THE YEAR: KURT ANGLE
1st Runner-Up: Batista
2nd Runner-Up: Rey Mysterio

Comments: I think it’s safe to say Kurt has “The Disease.” He appears to be concerned entirely with becoming the best damn wrestler that ever was, at the expense of his family and his future health. And yet he also has no problem going along with some of the most ridiculous storylines this side of Katie Vick. Ai ya.

Batista has been thoroughly enjoyable. I can only assume that Big Dave has enough gumption (and is close enough to the end of his career anyway) that he won’t put up with the same kind of BS most WWE wrestlers have to deal with. Which is one of the few good things about 2005 that I will remember.

Rey excels. If the Smackdown! side of things had any sense of direction, it would make Rey the champ pronto, or at least put the belt on JBL by default and let us enjoy watching Rey chase and finally beat him at WrestleMania. Not that I’ll be watching.

Chris Benoit gets a nod in this category, as do Shawn Michaels, Raven, Christopher Daniels and Christian Cage. A.J. Styles gets some attention here despite his microphone deficiencies.

BEST TAG TEAM OF THE YEAR: AMERICA’S MOST WANTED
1st Runner-Up: Team Canada
2nd Runner-Up: Team 3-D

Comments: You like tag teams? Sorry about your damn luck. Just think, in the heady pre-Nitro days of WCW there were tag champs, U.S. tag champs and six-man champs. And the NWA champs. And the Jim Crockett tourney. And Battlebowl. And the Iron Team tourney. Excuse me while I throw a fit.

WHY?!!? WHYYYYYYYYY?!!!???!!!

I marked for tag teams. The Road Warriors. The Steiners. The Hart Foundation. Hase and Sasaki. Chris Benoit and Biff Wellington. It mattered to me. Now what is WWE serving up? MNM, a team that exists solely to push Melina? The New Road Warriors? Pffffft.

Kudos to TNA for bringing in the D----- B---, and capitalizing on what I see as a market inefficiency. More tag teams and more women wrestlers, I say. Hang those who speak of less. AMW gets the duke for going through with the very necessary heel turn. Team Canada would benefit from a return of the international format with a Team Japan and so forth.

BEST FEMALE PERFORMER OF THE YEAR: TRISH STRATUS
1st Runner-Up: Victoria
2nd Runner-Up: Cheerleader Melissa

Comments: The first two picks are fairly obvious. Trish Stratus, despite being injured (and also wisely inactive) for much of the year, is THE woman. Victoria is worthy of serious acclaim as well, especially now that she’s no longer doing the dancing thing.

Let me tell you about Cheerleader Melissa. She carried me through a match at the APW Garage in early December. She is one of several talented wrestlers that can be seen in the SuperGirls promotion. She kicked ass in Arsion and AtoZ. And I get the impression that 2006 is going to be pivotal in determining whether you will ever see this Cauliflower Alley-approved Future Legend get the major push she has earned. This is one of the prime examples of indy wrestlers needing more opportunities. Attention anyone at TNA: sign this woman.

A big shout-out as well to Sarah Stock, who is tearing up the scene in Mexico and is already a star. Also to Rebecca Knox, LuFisto, Nattie Neidhart and the other truly talented performers in SuperGirls. In the non-wrestler category… I also mark for the CMLL eye candy. Yowza.

BEST FEUD OF THE YEAR: CHRIS BENOIT vs. ORLANDO JORDAN
1st Runner-Up: Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels
2nd Runner-Up: The Rick vs. Monkey Writers

Comments: Like I’ve said three years running, feuds are a dying art. But I got some whimsy out of the Benoit-Jordan thing. Angle-Michaels was the only other “feud” that piqued my interest, and that was hamstrung by this brand-split nonsense.

I got more enjoyment from reading The Rick in 2005 than I got from watching wrestling. Vaginal sandification! Buttered bread! Bidness! Gravitas! Too bad I can only use the last term when I’m doing my sports writing gig. Rage against the dying of the light, T.R.

I didn’t put Edge vs. Matt Hardy here because I believe in the separation of church and state – er, I mean storylines and real life.

BEST MATCH OF THE YEAR: NONE
1st Runner-Up: None
2nd Runner-Up: None

Comments: Dammit, no one match stands out in my mind from 2005. I did see quite a few good matches, but nothing really rises to the top. I’m thinking Angle v. Benjamin and Perro Aguayo Jr. against El Hijo del Santo. That was probably the real Feud of the Year, but I only saw the first match or two from it.

MOST FAVORITE PERFORMER OF THE YEAR: EDDIE GUERRERO
1st Runner-Up: Chris Benoit
2nd Runner-Up: Tajiri

Comments: I was really enjoying Eddie’s work with Batista before his far-too-early passing. He was clearly enjoying it, too. Benoit is too handcuffed by WWE style in my opinion, but he cracked me up with the Orlando Jordan feud and also had an interesting match on Velocity with William Regal. Tajiri, you will be missed.

You know who I like, so I’ll copy and paste from 2004. Angle. Petey Williams and the “Canadian Destroyer” front flip piledriver. All the women wrestlers. Jericho, Christian, Paul Heyman, Flair, Rey Rey… you know, the usual suspects.

THE OTHER BEST OF 2005

BEST TECHNICAL WRESTLER: CHRISTOPHER DANIELS
1st Runner-Up: Samoa Joe
2nd Runner-Up: “American Dragon” Bryan Danielson

Comments: These are three of the best Ring of Honor types that I’ve had the pleasure of watching in the ring – live, in Danielson’s case. Here’s another guy that needs a contract now before he finds other stuff to do.

I would normally carve out a space for Benoit and Tajiri here, but they didn’t get much of a chance to do anything in 2005 compared to what TNA offers its wrestlers. I am also ashamed to have not watched any Japanese wrestling from this year. But I will also give a shout-out to the APW roster. They have several people grounded in the finer aspects of technical wrestling.

BEST HIGH FLYER: REY MYSTERIO
1st Runner-Up: Elix Skipper
2nd Runner-Up: Matt Hardy

Comments: Is there any doubt? Rey Rey is indeed the King King. Skipper got shunted off to the side a bit after the XXX split, but he still brings it. Hardy gets a mention for that not-too-bright legdrop off the top of the cage. Don’t anyone ever do that again.

BEST BRAWLER/POWER WRESTLER: THE BIG SHOW
1st Runner-Up: Kane
2nd Runner-Up: Abyss

Comments: Looks like The Rick went back to his 2003 criteria (basic moveset), but I’ll stick with the spirit of the category. Not that any of these three gentlemen would wrestle circles around Benoit, but they are all sound and are convincing monsters when not stuck in some gloriously gawdawful storyline.

BEST INTERVIEWS: SHAWN MICHAELS
1st Runner-Up: Kurt Angle
2nd Runner-Up: Ric Flair

Comments: This is one of the best years Shawn Michaels has ever had, methinks. The extra fourth wall-breaking goofiness he did this time around was amusing, but the reason he goes up top is the work he did when he was up against Hulk Hogan, going seamlessly from face to heel and back to face after Hogan had passed through.

I think Angle is gold on the mic, but those damned Writer Monkeys… they got to Flair, too. Damn.

BEST HEEL: TRIPLE H
1st Runner-Up: JBL
2nd Runner-Up: Eric Bischoff

Comments: I cannot in good conscience put people like Angle and Carlito (and the departed Christian and Chris Jericho) here when so many people actively cheer for them. People have to hate you. Angle is, quite frankly, wrestling too well, and Carlito is too charismatic. You can say what you want about Trips, but he’s old-school enough to know what needs to be done, as does JBL. Eric is a natural even if he barely qualifies as a wrestler for this category.

BEST BABYFACE: REY MYSTERIO
1st Runner-Up: Eddie Guerrero
2nd Runner-Up: Batista

Comments: Eddie would have easily been in the top spot if it hadn’t been for that feud with Rey Rey. But orale, holmes, the crowd wouldn’t let him be a heel. Everyone loves Batista, too. All three of these guys were given the chance to be their own characters. I put Rey on top because of his natural underdoggedness.

BEST CHARACTER/GIMMICK: SIMON DEAN       
1st Runner-Up: Eugene
2nd Runner-Up: Mickie James

Comments: I actually had to rack my brain to think about which wrestlers are portraying characters rather than themselves. These are the three I came up with in the post-Hurricane era, and one of them (Eugene) may not be coming back. O Lazertron, where art thou? I.R.S.? Arachnaman?

I think Simon Dean is frickin’ hi-larious as a comedy heel, personally. I also like Trevor Murdoch just because of the Murdochian mannerisms.

MOST IMPROVED WRESTLER: KURT ANGLE
1st Runner-Up: Shelton Benjamin
2nd Runner-Up: Christian Cage

Comments: Kurt Angle scares me. He went from hardly wrestling in 2004 to being the MVP of the WWE. You gotta hand it to him, he is dedicated to his craft.

Benjamin had some hiccups along the way, but he’s bona fide. Christian improved himself right out of a job, by the looks of it. But he landed a better gig.

MOST UNDERRATED WRESTLER: VANCE NEVADA
1st Runner-Up: Asian Cooger
2nd Runner-Up: Cheerleader Melissa

Comments: Three years running for Mr. Beefy Goodness. I guess my end-of-year props haven’t exactly bolstered his career. Ahem… TNA, Team Canada, Scott D’Amore, cough cough.

Asian Cooger has never failed to impress me whenever he crosses the Pacific to do a West Coast tour. Melissa I’ve already told you about. Of the people that already made the Big Time, I think Tajiri has to be the runaway winner, with Paul Burchill deserving a nod.

BEST SECOND: GAIL KIM
1st Runner-Up: Scott D’Amore
2nd Runner-Up: James Mitchell

Comments: Gosh, what a surprise, all the good seconds are in TNA. Although I do believe NWA-ECCW’s own Brian Sommers should get some dap, as well. I really should have D’Amore in the top position, but heck, it’s Gail Kim. My Kim-crush is already a matter of public record. Hummina hummina hummina. Melina also warrants some “most dominate” ups.

BEST TELEVISION PERSONALITY: JIM ROSS
1st Runner-Up: Joey Styles
2nd Runner-Up: Pierre-Carl “PCO” Ouellet

Comments: If I believed in “deserving” things, I’d say Jim Ross deserved better than what he got this year. But it’s no surprise that he’s been taken out of the booth. What does surprise me is Joey Styles being there. It’s absolutely bizarre. I think he’s an excellent commentator and “deserves” a nice paycheck in the national spotlight, but I’ve always associated his voice with excellent wrestling, not the pablum they’re serving up.

If any of you watched TNA Impact on Reseau Des Sports, you know why PCO is up there. His chemistry with Marc Blondin was easily the best I’ve seen since Jesse Ventura was doing colour. For the probably 100 percent of you that didn’t, Ouellet is the former Jean-Pierre Lafitte, and also one-half of The Quebecers. Reseau Des Sports is the French-Canadian equivalent of ESPN. I’ll get back to them later.

Tazz still rules.

"HOLY SHIT" MOMENT OF THE YEAR: NONE
1st Runner-Up: None
2nd Runner-Up: None

Comments: Sorry, the fecal matter just wasn’t hitting the fan for me in 2005.

FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE YEAR: NONE
1st Runner-Up: None
2nd Runner-Up: None

Comments: Sorry again. I found plenty of things amusing in 2005, but nothing that stands out as a “moment.”

BEST WRESTLING SHOW: LUCHA LIBRE (TELELATINO)
1st Runner-Up: TNA Impact! (RDS)
2nd Runner-Up: Toukon Retsuden (Plymouth Area Community Television)

Comments: My winners for this category will no doubt leave my American brothers and sisters wondering what I’ve been smoking. Never you mind. “Telelatino” is a Canadian station that rebroadcasts stuff from Mexico and sometimes Italy. Fortunately, that includes CMLL’s weekly Galavision show (this is where the five points should go if we’re declaring uber-winners this year). This was easily the most entertaining wrestling I saw all year. And I understood maybe five percent of the commentary. Enorme!

My French is good enough that I understood about 85 percent of what was going on with TNA Impact! on RDS. They dubbed their commentary over Mike Tenay and Don West during the matches, but they’d cut away to their own studio setting. This is where the show really got interesting, as the commentators were speaking freely about the product, and they also had a weekly segment plugging the still-vibrant Quebec wrestling scene and listing indy show dates. Completely unlike anything else out there. Sadly, I don’t have access to Telelatino or RDS at the moment.

But we all have access to Toukon Retsuden, at least when the links work. “The Great Riki” and Dan Ginnetty do their thing locally, then the shows get steamed to the ‘Net at some point. It’s a package of Japanese wrestling matches, some vintage, some like the big NOAH show from the Egg Dome just a few days old at the time of airing. Riki and Dan may seem like the Wayne and Garth of wrestling, except they’re serious about their puroresu. They’re also not shy about bringing up things like steroids and their views on workrate. Highly recommended – Dumbkitty is their host.

BEST MAJOR EVENT: ONE NIGHT STAND
1st Runner-Up: None
2nd Runner-Up: None

Comments: I saw two PPVs all year. I can’t even remember what one of them was called. It was the one where Chris Benoit didn’t beat the holy tar out of Orlando Jordan, so it sucked. I saw it at a bar during a stag for one of our fellow ECCW wrestlers.

And I saw One Night Stand. I used to go out of my way to watch pay-per-views when they first came out. My friend Shawn and I were probably the only two people in Ottawa watching the NWA ones back around 1990. Now it just doesn’t matter – not even the Rumble, my personal fave. But One Night Stand mattered. It mattered, and it was great. It matters even more given what came after it in 2005.

BREAK-OUT PERFORMER OF THE YEAR: BATISTA
1st Runner-Up: John Cena
2nd Runner-Up: Shelton Benjamin

Comments: Batista and Cena got the belts, so they get the top two spots here. Benjamin had the I-C belt for a while, so he’s No. 3 over Orlando Jordan.

But really, I had to use my Canuck logic to keep Chris Masters out of here. Nobody but nobody got a push like he did. But I tried to keep my list to people who were in the Big Leagues before 2005. Which was difficult enough.

BREAK-OUT PERFORMER OF NEXT YEAR: KEN KENNEDY
1st Runner-Up: Carlito
2nd Runner-Up: Paul Burchill

Comments: There were two newer wrestlers (new to me, at least) that came up in 2005 and didn’t make me want to throw things at my TV. That would be Ken Kennedy and Paul Burchill. I like Carlito, but I threw things at the TV when he won the US title right away. He’ll probably get a major push sooner than the other two, especially after Kennedy’s injury. I think Kennedy will be World Champ this year for one brand or another. Kennedy. Watch for Bobby Lashley and Mickie James as well.

BEST "REAL WORLD" NEWS OF THE YEAR: TNA GETS TV DEAL WITH SPIKE
1st Runner-Up: TNA signs WWE castaways
2nd Runner-Up: Bret Hart appears on WWE television

Comments: I can only hope TNA thrives and flourishes. If they don’t pose a business threat, then the McMahon’s won’t have to change their current business model. That’s what’s at stake for fans in 2006.

The fact that Bret was a) well enough to appear on TV and b) reconciled enough with WWE to appear on their program is a genuine feel-good development, regardless of the WWE’s current state.

THE bOOby PRIZES

WORST WRESTLER(S) OF THE YEAR: CHRIS MASTERS
1st Runner-Up: Tyson Tomko
2nd Runner-Up: Gene Snitsky

Comments: Yes, after being politically correct last year and not naming anyone in this category, I’m back with a vengeance. And a caveat: I am a worse wrestler than these three. Well, two out of three. But that doesn’t excuse WWE from taking up valuable airtime with “Single F” Chris Masters. We ragged on Hulk Hogan for years, but the guy was obviously entertaining and knew how to wrestle. CFM has neither of those qualities at this point. He may very well acquire them. I won’t be watching.

Tomko and Snitsky aren’t CFM-level bad, but they certainly are overpushed. As is about half the WWE roster. It makes me ill just thinking about it. I didn’t include Coach here because he wrestles infrequently. Same with the Useless Divas.

WORST NON-WRESTLER OF THE YEAR: PALMER CANNON
1st Runner-Up: Maria
2nd Runner-Up: Linda McMahon

Comments: The problem with all three isn’t the performer, it’s the role. Maria is especially being hamstrung by her forced “dumb chick” character – whether or not she’s the sharpest knife in the drawer. Turning Linda heel in an apparent one-off makes zero sense. And exactly what does Palmer Cannon bring to viewers besides a strong desire to turn the channel?

WORST FEUD OF THE YEAR: NONE
1st Runner-Up: None
2nd Runner-Up: None

Comments: I can’t think of any on-going rivalries that qualify, since everything seemed thrown together and abandoned just as quickly.

MOST OVERRATED WRESTLER: NONE
1st Runner-Up: None
2nd Runner-Up: None

Comments: Like I’ve said, “deserves” doesn’t exist. But when I think “overrated” and I think about who OO types rate highly and where I may differ, I’m still at a loss. I guess we’re all in agreement on who sucks.

"GODDAMMIT" MOMENT OF THE YEAR: VINCE MCMAHON, PROCTOLOGIST Award.
1st Runner-Up: Diva Search 2005
2nd Runner-Up: “I’m your Papi”

Comments: Excuse me while I reach into my bag of softballs: Vince McMahon pulling things out of another man’s ass? So that’s how they come up with their storylines.

That obstacle course was an abomination.

The thing about the big soap opera angle was that they turned Eddie to make it happen. “A” for effort, “F” for results.

WORST "REAL WORLD" NEWS OF THE YEAR: WWE CUTS COSTS, TALENT
1st Runner-Up: UFC gains a foothold on Spike TV
2nd Runner-Up: The Rock “quietly retires”

Comments: As always, I don’t include wrestler deaths in this category. But I have to mention Eddie Guerrero. His passing and the circumstances behind it were enough to make me re-examine my feelings about pro wrestling, and I didn’t like what I found.

I think I’ve already said enough about the WWE business model. I put UFC in here even though I like MMA. Unlike The Rick, I do think there is a crossover audience, but the more important thing is that the more people in general are exposed to real fighting, the less they will want to watch pro wrestling.

Rocky, thanks for entertaining us.

I guess that’s it. Thanks for reading, thanks to The Rick for allowing me to be part of OO lore for the past, what, four years, and to those who have seen me wrestle, thanks for watching. It’s been quite a ride. Now, go out there and find some good wrestling to watch. Never settle.