OO Column: Jeff McGinnis (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Steve Austin, RVD, Undertaker, Triple H)

THE MAC FILES
THE ASS DEMANDS A NEW CONTRACT
December 6, 2001

by Jeff MacGinnis
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

NOTE: The following report is filled with heavy amounts of satire and
sarcasm. It should not be taken seriously. It should also not be taken
internally unless specifically prescribed by your physician.

NEWS OF THE WEEK:

-In a startling contractual development, Vince McMahon’s ass has
announced that it is holding out of any future appearances on WWF
television until it has been signed to a readjusted deal. The ass, which made it’s shocking debut a few weeks ago on Raw, alongside the relatively mediocre arrivals of Ric Flair and Jerry Lawler, says that it was unaware of how pivotal to current storylines its involvement would be, and is currently holding out for a more lucrative deal in accordance with its importance to the product. Vince McMahon himself, said to be somewhat upset by the rebellious nature of his posterior, was unavailable for comment. No word if Stacy Keibler’s ass, prominently featured on WWF television for some time now, will follow suit.

-Meanwhile, in somewhat less significant contractual talks, the WWF has apparently withdrawn its contractual offer to Kevin Nash, due to
differences over how many dates Nash would have to work. Apparently, neither side noticed the irony in the phrase “Nash would have to work” until now.

-The WWF has recently been faced with a great deal of legal action as well, none more so important than a recent lawsuit filed by the American Humane Society. Evidently Jerry Lawler’s return to television has caused an untold amount of problems at kennels throughout the nation, given how Lawler’s high-pitched cries have cause many of the unfortunate canines to suffer hearing difficulties. The WWF has reportedly offered to aid in the problem through the distribution of WWF-brand earplugs at all affected facilities, but the offer was rejected.

-Joanie Laurer, who apparently used to have some connection to wrestling or something, is currently all over the place, giving endless
interviews, shooting a new Playboy spread, and appearing on NBC’s "Fear Factor." Apparently Joanie bowed out from the competition when she was challenged to actually HIT a handspring elbow in the corner.

NEWS FROM FIVE YEARS AGO:

-New WWF Champion Sid defeats Hunter Hearst Helmsley on Raw. Of course, Sid would go on to lead the sport triumphantly into the 21st century with his unforgettable and lengthy title reign, while Helmsley quickly faded away into obscurity after that.

NEWS FROM FIVE YEARS FROM NOW:

-The World Wrestling Federation announces that WrestleMania XXIII will be taking place at a swap meet in Iowa. Main event? Austin vs. Rock, duh.

NEWS FROM FIVE MINUTES AGO:

-My back ached a little. I was kinda sleepy. I stretched and went to the can briefly. Then I got back to work.

RATINGS FOR THE WEEK

-3.4, 4.2, 0.7, 1.6. Those who can correctly match each show with its rating will receive absolutely nothing.

-You know, as wrestling faces an uncertain future, one cannot help but reflect on how the one thing sorely lacking in these times is a true hero. A figure that would inspire and bring about a renaissance of fan reaction and response. A man who could propel the sport on his sheer presence alone, and whose inclusion into current storylines would revolutionize the product as we know it.

Yes, Del Wilkes.

Sadly, the sport has been tragically lacking the influence of this
revolutionary and evolutionary superstar for quite some time. Well, we
here at the Mac Files feel compelled to solve that problem once and for all. And so, in a quest to better the sport we love, we now debut a new feature…

THE DEL WILKES REPORT

-We began our search for the savior of wrestling by contacting our most reliable sources. Tragically, the 411 operator was unable to help us. Our crack team of reporters then combed through every available resource book that was within easy reach of our desk. That this search was limited to a few local phone books was a moot point – the search for Del must leave no stone unturned. Sadly, none of these leads panned out, as no listings under either the name "Wilkes" OR "Del" (or any phonetic combination thereof) yielded any results. (Our staff also checked under the name "Patriot," as well, figuring that the clever pseudonym may have been floated to throw us off his trail, with no results.) The search for Del has not been completely in vain, however…rumors indicate that Wilkes was last seen at a automobile expo in Detroit, buying Christmas presents at a strip mall in New Jersey, and saving a cat from a burning building in Seattle. We at the Mac Files salute you, Del, wherever you are…you are an inspiration to us all and we will not rest until you have been restored to your rightful place as the savior and revolutionary of wrestling.

-In addition, with the recent hiatus of The Rick, wrestling fans have
been left with minimal outlets toward which they can direct their
questions about the minutia about the wrestling world. With this in
mind, the Mac Files is now proud to present a new feature that allows
fans to tap into the prognosticatory abilities of one the most lauded
and famed fortune-tellers of all time…

ASK THE MAGIC 8 BALL

QUESTION 1: Will Scott Hall and Kevin Nash return to the WWF?

8 BALL: My Sources Say No

QUESTION 2: Will Chris Jericho ever get a decent push in the WWF?

8 BALL: Reply Hazy – Try Again

QUESTION 3: Will wrestling fans have to look at Vince McMahon’s ass much longer?

8 BALL: Without a Doubt.

QUESTION 4: Will the ratings ever get back up over 5 again?

8 BALL: Outlook Not So Good

QUESTION 5: Does this running gag have any hope of lasting longer than a few weeks?

8 BALL: Don’t Count on It

E-MAIL JEFF
BROWSE THE MAC FILES ARCHIVES

Jeff McGinnis is a Graduate Student at Bowling Green State University in
Ohio. He has no connections to the wrestling world whatsoever, so
everything in his “reports” are to be taken tongue-in-cheek, ‘kay? If
you have any comments, Del Wilkes reports, or questions for the Magic 8
Ball, send them to: [email protected].

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