by Jeff MacGinnis
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

NEWS OF THE WEEK:

- Several members of the WWF’s janitorial staff were injured by falling debris Sunday night when a glass ceiling shattered at Titan Towers. “I’m not sure how it happened,” said Chris Poltrone, security guard at the Towers. “There have been a lot of people who wanted that thing removed for years, but I never thought it’d actually happen. Some of the big names were really rather fond of it.” WWF spokesmen were quick to announce that there is no immediate cause for alarm, as workmen from the H.H.H. Repair Service have been called in, and the glass ceiling should be firmly back in place in time for the Royal Rumble.

- Negotiations between Vince McMahon’s ass and Titan finally fell through this week, as the ass was written out of storylines due to its inability to cooperate with the front office. Many of the backstage workers expressed distaste at the developments in the ass contract negotiations, as the ass had become a quite popular backstage figure and many were sorry to lose it. A budding controversy is underway, however, as apparently the ass was unaware of the planned angle that would dump it so abruptly, and the whole thing caught him by surprised. I could add how Vince said something to the effect of “the ass screwed the ass,” but I’m above that kind of humor.

- In an attempt to capitalize on the “What?” craze, the WWF is quickly scrambling to attach other top superstars to suitable one-word questions. Tentatively slated to debut their new lines next week are Albert (“Huh?”), Chuck Palumbo (“Who?”) & Billy Gunn (“Why?”).

- On the musical front, the tentative plan for the coming year is for every individual under WWF employ to eventually have a music video composed for them to the tune of Creed’s “My Sacrifice.” By June, fans will be seeing Michael Cole, Earl Hebner and the guy who tightens the bolts on the Titantron each getting their own treatment. By November, the videos will move on to profiling inanimate objects, such as the machine that sets off the pyro and the coffee maker. No word on if the video about Vince’s ass, which was well underway before contractual talks stalled, will ever see the light of day.

- “Whoops” of the week: While canceling the contracts of various wrestlers in their developmental system, the WWF pink-slip computer apparently malfunctioned and sent a termination notice to everyone who works for the company. This created a somewhat-less-than-chipper atmosphere backstage at last Sunday’s PPV, for some reason, until the error was caught and corrected. The only individual who didn’t receive a notice was the Undertaker, whose contract guarantees a push until at least, oh, 2025 or so, apparently. (Shh. Listen carefully. If you tilt your ear north, you can hear Scott Keith screaming.)

NEWS FROM FIVE YEARS AGO:

In the climax to a tournament even more exciting and controversial than this past week’s title unification broo-ha-ha, Sable defeats Jerry Lawler to win the prestigious Karate Fighters Tournament. In retrospect, Jerry should probably be happy he lost, since the grand prize was apparently “an even bigger boob job and the XWF commissionership.”

NEWS FROM FIVE YEARS FROM NOW:

The final installment of the “My Sacrifice” videos airs, as the hot dogs at the concession stands are profiled.

NEWS FROM FIVE SECONDS AGO:

I typed “NEWS FROM FIVE SECONDS AGO.”

RATINGS:

This week’s Raw was rated TV-14.

THE DEL WILKES REPORT:

Since last week’s inaugural report, the floodgates have opened and an outpouring of responses arrived to The Mac Files, indicating the possible whereabouts of wrestling’s potential savior, Del Wilkes. Richard Faigner of Fort Wayne, New Jersey wrote in to claim that he had seen Del at a Kroger store just outside of Fort Wayne, sampling cantaloupe (reports indicate that Wilkes hates cantaloupe, so we’re taking this report with a grain of salt). William Crowe of Troy, Michigan noted that he thought he had seen Del at a local science fair, discussing his research into head lice (again, unlikely, though it is possible that Del – like all of us – has a fondness for head lice). And Jeanine Fulton of Youngstown, MI wrote that she thought she had seen Del on her television one night, starring in a film with Julia Roberts, but upon closer inspection it proved to be Mel Gibson. Well, easy mistake to make. Despite the fact that this week’s leads proved less than productive, we encourage all of you to keep sending in those reports – the Man himself is out there, somewhere, and if we stay on track, he will eventually be found! Eyes on the prize, my friends!

- A bit of sadness to report…unfortunately, due to an errant swing by my mother when she found out how much money I want to borrow from her, the Magic 8 Ball is no more, so the “Ask the Magic 8 Ball” segment of the Mac Files has unfortunately retired. However, I am happy to report that a suitable substitute has been located…an individual who, while not quite the same prognosticator that the 8 Ball was, actually has ties to the wrestling world…and so, the Mac Files now proudly present…

ASK THE TALKING UNDERTAKER ACTION FIGURE

QUESTION 1: Will Chris Jericho’s WWF Title reign last until WrestleMania?

UNDERTAKER ACTION FIGURE: “Rest in peace.”

QUESTION 2: Will Lance Storm be allowed to return to TV and actually win matches?

UAF: “Face your worst nightmare.”

QUESTION 3: Will Stephanie McMahon return to TV with HHH, or can fans remain happy?

UAF: “Rest in peace.”

QUESTION 4: Will the Rock ever stop referring to himself in the third person?

UAF: “Face your worst nightmare.”

QUESTION 5: Will the Undertaker EVER retire?

UAF: “Nope.”

E-MAIL JEFF
BROWSE THE MAC FILES ARCHIVES

Jeff McGinnis is a Graduate Student at Bowling Green State University in
Ohio. He has no connections to the wrestling world whatsoever, so
everything in his “reports” are to be taken tongue-in-cheek, ‘kay? If
you have any comments, Del Wilkes reports, or questions for the Talking Undertaker Action Figure, send them to: [email protected]. 

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