by Jeff MacGinnis
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

SPECIAL HOLIDAY FEATURE:

-And now, in the spirit of the yuletide, the Mac Files is proud to present a series of much-beloved holiday songs, re-written to include wrestling references. Enjoy the hilarity that will surely follow...

THE TWELVE DAYS OF WRESTLING by Jeff McGinnis

On the First Day of Wrestling, my true love gave to me...

Naw, I’m just fucking around.

NEWS OF THE WEEK:

-As many of you parents surely have noticed by now, the Jakks toy company has unveiled a brand new series of WWF action figures in line for the coming Christmas holiday, each with its own signature actions. Competing for space on your child’s list this year will be the brand new HHH action figure (just push the “Push” button and no midcarders your child owns will be able to win a match for six months), Rock action figure (warning: your child won’t be able to play with this figure for a few weeks in January as it has to do Scorpion King re-shoots), Undertaker action figure (warning: “‘Last Ride’ Action” only works right about 50% of the time), and Vince McMahon action figure (insert “pants-dropping action” joke here). In addition, if your child has any desire to purchase any former WCW stars’ figures, you must wait until said stars are no longer under contract to any other toy manufacturers, then you may make said figures an offer, only to find that the drawing power of said figures is far less than their asking price. The author will now discontinue this metaphor, for fear of it becoming even more blatantly obvious.

-Also this holiday, a slate of new video games are going to be arriving soon for the X-Box and Gamecube systems, based on the WWF license. Apparently an incredible amount of detail has been paid to the realism of said games, including the new controversial “Hazing” feature, wherein you won’t be able to advance beyond a certain point in your season unless you can earn the locker room’s respect by being duct taped to a chair and getting dragged around in a shower. Hah, boys will be boys.

-Well, if the original banner ads on 1Wrestling,com were to be believed, the WWAs first PPV will be taking place on January 6, 2001 - in other words, 12 months ago. Fans equipped with time machines will be able to catch the show then. On the plus side, this blunder means that their booking is at least as up to date as the last year of Vince Russo’s WCW stuff.

-An unfortunate update on the status of Vince McMahon’s ass, since its unceremonious dumping from WWF TV a few weeks ago. After the initial controversy over its dismissal wore off, the ass found itself out of work and behind in its finances. There have also been some reports that the ass is now hooked on crack, but that gag seems too lame even by this reporter’s standards. As of right now, the ass is reportedly looking into other employment options, including a potential acting career (doubtful, as there’s already plenty of asses in Hollywood), work as a singer (hey, you know what they say about beans...), and is also considering an autobiography (“Vince McMahon’s Ass: My Life from the Bottom Up“). And, of course, the ass has been confirmed as appearing at the next set of XWF tapings.

NEWS FROM FIVE YEARS AGO:

-In the beginnings of an angle that would set the world on fire and shatter the public’s finely-tuned expectations toward pro-wrestling, AAA stars appear on Raw and face the New Rockers. Also, some futureless nobody named “Rocky Maivia” wins a squash.

NEWS FROM FIVE YEARS FROM NOW:

-A group of scientists in the Nevada desert comes forward and announces that they have made contact with a race from another world. The group, who has been tracking this data for the better part of three years, claims that this alien culture has little-to-no connection to our own, is advanced light years ahead of us, and can probably show us the cures for numerous diseases and the solutions to issues that have plagued mankind since the dawn of time. However, sadly, none of this information will ever be known to us, as this alien culture has intercepted WWF transmissions for the past five years, and as a result, whenever you ask them a question or make a statement about our world, their only response is to reply, “WHAT?”

NEWS FROM 65 MILLION YEARS AGO:

-In action at the tar pit, the Triceratops got an easy victory over the Mammoth, thanks to hair pulling. The Brontosaurus, which is still going through its gimmick change to “Brachiosaurus,” got a surprise win over the T-Rex (all right, no more glass ceiling!). And a rookie named “Hulk Hogan” made his debut, defeating the Raptor with a big boot and a legdrop. Word on the street is to keep your eye on this kid, he may be around awhile...

THE DEL WILKES REPORT:

Reports have been understandably sparse regarding the man over this holiday season. A few straggling reports here and there regarding sightings at shopping malls and a few assorted gas stations, but nothing concrete. A dissapointing letter from a correspondent identified as “Ziggy” lets us know that last week’s report of a sighting at a Kroger store in New Jersey may have been fabricated, since there are no Kroger stores in New Jersey. I now hang my head in shame. As such, the Mac Files is discouraged by the lack of progress in the past few weeks. But, we here at the Files anticipate that once the holidays have passed, the reports will once again pick up...in fact, these accounts are so vivid and widespread, we may have to hire a reporter to keep up with it all. (What? What’s that? Just a broad story foreshadowing hint.)

ASK THE TALKING UNDERTAKER ACTION FIGURE:

-This week’s questions for our sage wrestling analyst come from reader Eric Ziengs:

QUESTION 1: Who would win in a casket match between yourself and the Magic 8 Ball?

ANSWER: “Rest in peace.”

QUESTION 2: Will All Snow ever win the European Championship again, and if yes, will he dress like Danish people?

ANSWER: “Face your worst nightmare.”

QUESTION 3: How would a French kiss between Scott Keith and Taker look like? Would Keith rather kiss the real Taker or you?

ANSWER: “HUH?”

E-MAIL JEFF
BROWSE THE MAC FILES ARCHIVES

Jeff McGinnis is a Graduate Student at Bowling Green State University in Ohio. He has no connections to the wrestling world whatsoever, so everything in his “reports” are to be taken tongue-in-cheek, ‘kay? If you have any comments, Del Wilkes reports, or questions for the Talking Undertaker Action Figure, send them to: [email protected]. 

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