by Jeff MacGinnis
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(AUTHOR’S NOTE: So why haven’t there been any Mac Files in so many weeks? Long answer: Yours truly has had more than a few personal issues to work through, as well as working over the holidays and having school re-start again. Short answer: I suck. I’m really, really sorry and I’ll get these things in far more regularly over the next few weeks.)

-With the arrival of the Royal Rumble this Sunday, the WWF is apparently poised to begin yet another "new era" in their programming (which marks a record setting 35th this calendar year alone). To usher in this new era, the Federation plans to, what else, resurrect a number of old gimmicks and stick them absent-mindedly into the Rumble. Among the announced participants in this effort are Dustin Runnels (as Goldust), Curt Hennig (as Mr. Perfect), Val Venis (as a porn star) and the Godfather (as a pimp). Also rumored to be reprising old gimmicks are The Big Show (as a plausible main eventer), Diamond Dallas Page (ditto), Billy Gunn (as something other than an offensive stereotype), X-Pac (as someone the fans cared about) and Stephanie McMahon (as an A-cup).

-In addition, the WWF announced the development of an exciting new show for the spring season on TNN. Tentatively entitled "Triple H Enters," the hour-long program would be devoted exclusively to Helmsley’s elaborate and prolonged entrance on WWF programming. All experts predict that the show will be a tremendous success, even if the launching of this program means that the WWF will have to fill more time on their main shows with such things as, you know, "actual wrestling" and stuff.

NEWS FROM FIVE YEARS AGO:

Bret Hart whined about being screwed on Raw and stormed off in a huff. You know, sometimes you don’t even have to write a joke.

NEWS FROM FIVE YEARS FROM NOW:

The fifth edition of The Mac Files finally appears on OnlineOnslaught…just kidding.

NEWS FROM 1492:

A major controversy erupts as Christopher Columbus lands in the New World and immediately declares himself commander of all that he sees. Leaders of the existing promotion were quick to point out that they, in fact, were the head bookers of the territory, leading to a major feud that would draw huge money in the months to come.

THE DEL WILKES REPORT: 

About three weeks ago, The Mac Files received an encoded e-mail from a source. So encoded, in fact, was this e-mail, that our crack staff spent the better part of the next three weeks attempting to decipher it. (One poor soul ran, screaming, from the decoding room after about two weeks, shouting, "It’s a cookbook! It’s a cookbook!" at the top of his lungs. He has since been sedated.) Finally, our staff was able to crack the code and translate the story…needless to say, the tale it related was a truly remarkable one. Here now, verbatim, is the report that we received in the heart of the holiday season, from a correspondent referring to himself as "Greg Baker"…

"I saw him, I actually saw him. It was a blinding flash of motion and red, white, and blue!!! But I suppose I should explain. Now the FBI will deny this, but there was recently another attempted terrorist attack in Auburn Hills MI, more specifically at the enormous hall of commerce known as ‘Great Lakes Crossing’.

"I was coming out of the local Star Theater where I was employed, walking through the food court when I heard a commotion near the ‘Santa Line’. I gasped in horror at what I saw when I investigated. Three terrorists had seized the food court and where holding Santa and his elves at box-cutter point in a last ditch attempt to break the American spirit by ruining Michigan's Christmas (a blow thought to be the final nail in the State of a Thousand Lake's coffin after the shocking loss to OSU)

"Now, the crowd was in shock. The element of surprise had given the Terrorists the upper hand... Then he showed up. Now technically I can't be sure if it was ‘Del Wilkes’ but it was Del's alter ego, The Patriot! The Patriot came out swinging with the speed of a retired WWF superstar who's push lost steam faster than a tea kettle with the top off. Not surprisingly, the first Terrorist dropped his box cutter in terror and shock as Wilkes hit him with his Trademark ‘Power Flag Wave’ in its debut as an offensive maneuver. The second Terrorist ran like the coward he was, but we'll get back to him.

"Now the last terrorist, knowing that he was hopelessly outmatched by the one time WWF main event super hero, did what terrorists do best, he grabbed a hostage. There Wilkes stood, Old Glory in hand against his box cutter wielding enemy standing behind none other than the mall Santa.

"‘There's no where to go scumbag, put the box cutter down and let old St. Nick go!’ Wilkes commanded.

"‘Huh, you put the flag down or I pull the beard off and reveal the fraud that is the mall Santa to all your precious American children, ha ha ha!’

"‘No, don't think about the children!’

"‘I'll do it!’

"‘OK, you win, I'll put the flag down...’ and with that Wilkes relinquished his trusty flag.

"‘Ha, you fool!!!’ the terrorist shouted, ‘SEE YOUR FAKE AMERICAN FAT MAN! HIS BEARD IS NOT EVEN REAL!!!!’ and with that the terrorist bastard yanked the beard from Santa's face. The jolly old elf covered his face and turned from the crowd.

"The terrorist laughed in triumph while the crowd gasped in shock. It appeared the attempt to ruin Christmas would be a success...

"Then the mall Santa spoke as he whipped off his red coat to reveal a loud, blue Hawaiian shirt underneath. ‘Hey buddy, my beard is real! And no one messes with me or my elves!’

"The terrorist turned just in time to be pummeled with a relentless barrage of multi-colored rubber bands from former WWF manager and super Mario brother Capt. Lou Albano along with one of his elves (later suspicions of the elf's identity were confirmed when Cyndi Lauper was seen arguing with mall management about receiving hazard pay).

"Wilkes took advantage of the momentary distraction and launched into action. He quickly slapped a full nelson onto the final terrorist and gave him the most devastating and well-named finisher known to Wrestling.... Yes folks, the Uncle Slam!

"His work done, Wilkes swept Old Glory aloft and waved it triumphantly to the applause of the many mall-goers before taking off in the direction of the Janitor's. That was the last any of us ever saw of the man known as the Patriot....

"As for the second terrorist that ran off, he was making a clean get-away until he was stopped by an un-identified Good Samaritan in the parking lot. Eyewitnesses say that the ‘Samaritan’ was repairing a phone line in the parking lot and saw the terrorist making his escape. The man then yelled, and I quote, ‘OH YEEEAAHH!’ before jumping from his post high on the telephone pole and landing a devastating elbow drop in true WWF fashion. The ‘Samaritan’ then whispered something into the terrorist's ear before rushing to his un-marked 77' Chevy and speeding off.

"The terrorist was in a state of shock when taken into police custody, and was said to be mumbling the words ‘dig it!’ in frantic tone.

"Who this mystery ‘Samaritan’ could be is anyone's guess, but it is in my opinion that such a savage attack could have only been done by a pro.

"Cap' Lou ‘Santa’ Albano was handsomely rewarded for his role in thwarting the attack that day with a $10 gift certificate from the local office supply store and was seen purchasing  his trademark rubber bands before heading to his next Mall Santa engagement.

"Cyndi ‘The Elf’ Lauper is still trying to convince ‘Great Lakes Crossing’ management that she deserves hazard pay. Her appeal will be heard by the Michigan supreme court on January 7, good luck Cyndi!  

"All knowledge of both ‘The Samaritan’ and Del ‘The Patriot’ Wilkes involvement has been denied by mall security and management as well as the law enforcement agencies handling the investigation.

"But if Del is reading this, I salute you!

"Greg Baker"

Needless to say, this report shocked us. Stunned us. Floored us. Confused us. Well, mostly confused us. But shocked, floored and stunned were way up there, too. We immediately tried to contact Mr. Baker to get confirmation of this story, as well as to offer him the permanent position of Del Wilkes Reporter. No word has yet been received, but if you’re out there Greg, this report needs you! You alone can solve the mystery and track down the legend! Join us, Greg, join us!

ASK THE TALKING…UM, WELL…

Another tragedy to report, as the "Ask the Talking Undertaker Action Figure" Segment is now no more, as the batteries ran out during the Mac Files’ hiatus and we can’t seem to find any new batteries to replace them. Fortunately, the Mac Files were able to conduct an exhaustive five-second search for a replacement, and so, we now proudly present…

ASK MURRAY THE JANITOR:

QUESTION 1: Who will win the Royal Rumble?

ANSWER: What the hell are you talking about?

QUESTION 2: Are the rumors about the Hardy Boyz true?

ANSWER: Hardy Boys? I read about them all the time as a kid. Rumors, what rumors? Are they coming back? They making a movie of them? Awright! Hope they get Anna Paquin to play Nancy Drew!

QUESTION 3: Will the XWF or the WWA get a national TV deal soon?

ANSWER: How the hell should I know? I’ve never understood anything that’s been on TV since 1985. The day they cancelled "Crazy Like a Fox" was the day I stopped watching the tube.

QUESTION 4: Will you get us a new trash bag for our bin?

ANSWER: What the hell am I, yer janitor? Oh, wait…

-And finally, in the single most hilarious item of news to come out this week…it seems as though the WWF is actually signing Kevin Nash, Scott Hall and Hulk Hogan, and thinks that yet another reunion of the NWO will draw again! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Isn’t that the most ridiculous piece of false news you’ve ever heard? I mean, your humble reporter must have been on some form of illegal substance to think that one up! I mean, those guys? In the WWF? As serious draws? And booked into actually wresting matches? Oh, that’s rich. I mean, how creatively bankrupt would Vince McMahon have to be in order to pull THAT one off? How stupid would they have to be to try and introduce such a potentially cancerous influence into the WWF locker room? How idiotic would…oh, wait. That one’s not a joke.

I’m sorry.

E-MAIL JEFF
BROWSE THE MAC FILES ARCHIVES

Jeff McGinnis is a Graduate Student at Bowling Green State University in Ohio. He has no connections to the wrestling world whatsoever, so everything in his “reports” are to be taken tongue-in-cheek, ‘kay? If you have any comments, Del Wilkes reports, or questions for the Talking Undertaker Action Figure/Janitor, send them to: [email protected]. 

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