by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Before we start -

Rick wants a paragraph about me…so I suppose I should put it here.

My name is Lee Filas, and I’m a 32-year-old newspaper reporter from the Chicago-land area. I’m also a wrestling fan, but I’ll get to that later. But first, I’m going to hand out the true Lee Filas resume and delve into the reason why I feel I deserve the right to write (right = write) for OO.

First, as I said, I’m a professional writer (journalist), which means that I supposedly know where to insert a "–" or a ";" or one of these ":" damn things. I also supposedly know when to use punctuation correctly, or when to refer to the appropriate section of the Associated Press Stylebook to teach me what proper punctuation mark to use.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any idea when this ":" should go and this ";" shouldn’t, and I really hate the stylebook. So, basically, don’t look for writing tips from me.

I do – however – hold a bachelor’s degree in English from Columbia College of Chicago, where I spent most of my time (partying) writing screenplays and teleplay’s for some small film production houses. This – I suppose - gives me invaluable insights into the world of television and - more importantly - television scripts. After all, I did sell a teleplay to both Cheers and The Wonder Years before my script "Glory Days" was stolen from me and turned into a pilot episode of a show on Fox. (You bastards at Fox can rest assure that I still haven’t forgotten about that!!) But, I digress, I have delved into the television writing world, and currently work as a professional writer.

But, why am I here, you may ask? Well, ever since Hogan was pinned by Andre the Giant on Saturday Night’s Main Event by the Earl Hebner look-a-like (which I learned from "The Rick" was Hebner’s real life twin), I was a wrestling fan.

I loved the Jake the Snake vs. Rick Rude feud, I feel as though "Woo" should replace "Hello" as the national greeting and I absolutely laughed my ass off when Vince pissed himself in the ring with Stone Cold. (One more, I nearly rolled off the couch laughing when DX pulled out the "windshield wiper masks" while in the ring with Sgt. Slaughter. That one almost killed me.)

However, I also have looked on with chagrin the past few months, wondering why in the hell I am watching Vince’s ass dance around the ring in plain sight (being slapped by J.R.’s hat no less). I also nearly threw a shoe through my television when the Undertaker became a part of the whole friggin’ thing.

So, when Rick made a call out to everyone to become a writer at the newly opened Online Onslaught, I realized I couldn’t sit here anymore with my mouth shut. It was time to get involved.

Hence, what you see before you (well, it’s down below) is the first column of what a friend of mine aptly named the "Squared Circle Jerk." This column is the pace where I will give out loud "knee-jerk" type of reactions up to the minute on what is happening in the ring.

When something happens on the screen, on my television, whether it’s good or bad, I will have a reaction for it all written down for you to enjoy. (God knows I’ve had a reaction to the Kiss My Ass Club just like I know you have.) So, look at it this way – I’m the guy who comes over to Raw at your house every week and never shuts up through the whole show, but I never drink any of your beer or eat your damn pretzels. But, I sure as hell will bitch – out loud – to you about what Vince is shoveling down my throat.

Basically, like the title says, it’s a knee jerk reaction to what is happening in front of my eyes, from a guy who knows just enough about wrestling, writing and television to make him dangerous.

Oh, by the way, did I mention that I have a tendency to be an asshole? Well, you’ll figure that out for yourself…

That’s more than a paragraph - sorry Rick – but I’ve always been pretty long winded.

But, before I go off on another tangent : on with the show!!

Quarter Hour 1

Last Monday – read CRZ. And, speaking of CRZ, you can catch the recap of SD! right here – just in case you have trouble following what’s happening here. …Rock puckered up and I missed it. Oh well, Vince will pucker up tonight.

Hey, the audio loop isn’t synched with the video loop. Vince and Angle are a split-second off. It’s like watching a foreign film – Le Femme Nikita in Spanish or whatever. Wait, why are they cutting out the word ass? My God, they let asshole sneak through about two weeks ago, but they cut ass tonight? In fact, they let Vince run around the ring with his pants down, ass crack showing, but they cut the word ass like 10 times in the opening segment? Did Turner buy UPN?

Rock Bottom and just like that, Vince will be kissing ass tonight.

And we are in Chi-town, the official home of the Chicago Bears and myself.

Boom..pow…PYRO!! I guess CRZ wasn’t kidding when he said pyro costs money. Wow…nice ventilation system in the Allstate Arena. It looks like the damn fog bowl.

I think that I may be the only guy in the world that doesn’t like Stacy. I mean, she’s got great legs, but she’s missing two important assets that I like in my women. She’s real small in a big area for me.

Cool!! Well it’s a big spanking!!! Damn, she got away. I still don’t like her, but that would have been nice to see. I bet she would have loved it….

Edge gets the win. A pretty good opening match if you ask me. Everyone hit a finisher and it did what it was supposed to – which is fire up the Chicago crowd.

Nice voice Vinnie. What’d you catch a cold? Maybe if you were running all over the country with your pants around your ankles, you wouldn’t be suffering right now, you bastard.

Ah, it seems Vinnie has a plan to get back at the Rock and Stone Cold tonight. Well, let me see if I can figure it out. Angle waits in the crowd or backstage and runs out to lay out the Rock with a chair. Then, the rest of the moron squad helps him when Stone Cold comes out to lend a hand. Let’s see if I’m right…

I just want to mention to everyone who has seen that Atari commercial for Splashdown that YOU CANNOT do those tricks on a real wave runner. I should know – I have one – and I know that it is IMPOSSIBLE to jump a Sphinx.

Let’s see, Matt and Jeff are fighting, and Lita is in the middle. That Lita is a great actress, and the two Hardy’s have really come far in the acting department since they first appeared some 5 years ago.

Matt: Lita, if you loved me, you would be on my side.

Yea, I bet that works in real life. I’m sure I could tell my girlfriend Heather, "If you loved me, you would accept the fact that I watch wrestling." And, in the real world, she would say "Shut up. This show is stupid. I can’t believe you are making me miss Friends for this."

See, it doesn’t work in real life, and it didn’t work for Matt. Maybe they really are in love, in real life, and maybe this whole show is staged on real life events. And, maybe, I won’t remember the fact the Big Show’s dad’s coffin wasn’t dragged around a cemetery by a guy named "The Big Bossman."

How tricky are those guys to not divulge their little plan while the cameras were on. You know, that Vince really is a genius!

I bet that lozenge Kurt gave him was extremely warm considering it was tucked away in his pants all day. And it really seemed that Vince really wanted one. You know, I’ve noticed some real questionable tendencies from Vince lately – running around with his pants down, asking men to kiss his ass, enjoying a lozenge that was tucked close to Kurt’s sack all day, …you don’t think that….naw!!

He must be reading this because the lozenge was on the other side of the room by the time I stopped writing.

Damn, those guys are SHARP. They cut away AGAIN when the second plan was going to be divulged. God, that Vince really IS the MESSIAH of manipulators!!!

Is that boo’s I’m hearing in the crowd? It must be from the people who are above 18 years of age because all the teenie-boppers across the globe love that Matt Hardy. Where’s Lita…she really isn’t there.

Sweet match, nice use of the ladder and the Van Daminator off the ladder was cool, but I smell an Underbiker lurking….

Hey, it’s not the Underbiker? It’s Marky Mark with many tattoos? What the hell? Is that why he needed Monday off? To get a friggin’ haircut?

HHH on Mad TV. It looks stupid. Sorry Haitch.

Double Whammy? They called it a double whammy? My God, they have countless writers on staff and the best the conglomerate of them can come up with is Double Whammy? Jeez, open a damn book. OH SURE, THEY CAN’T SAY ASS ON UPN BUT THEY SURE AS HELL CAN SAY SUPPOSITORIES!!!

Uh – oh, maybe I was wrong about Vince. He looks like he’s about to swap spit with Angle….and he’s decided to suck on another lozenge. I hope Linda hasn’t been watching recently. She must really be upset watching her billionaire husband come out of the closet on national television.

How do you think the company lugs that huge fist around? I mean, jeez, it’s huge? It’s got to have a truck all it’s own. It’s almost as big as Albert’s head.

I have reason to believe that Scotty had a dye job recently. Something tells me the drapes don’t match the carpet, if you know what I mean.

HA!! Hebner just took a big Test elbow in the face and didn’t go down. How come he didn’t go down? I’ve seen him go down by a phantom punch before, but this time, he just shrugged it off like it never happened. Maybe…maybe he has become immune to Test! Maybe Earl has found the secret substance that will thwart off Test’s attacks against him!!! And, because of it, Test keeps coming after him!!! Fight back Super Earl!! Why is he running away? He can’t hurt you Earl!! You have the substance that makes up immune!! Earl – do not flee!! Uh-oh. The magical substance must have worn off because Earl just got laid out by a phantom boot via Test. Hmmm. Better luck next time, Earl.

The Rock is walking:

…and just showed the world his ass. You don’t think that Rock….nah!!

Shrill Cole just tells me that this is going to be good. It better be. It’s been a buildup of two weeks where I had to endure McMahon’s ass more times than I ever cared too. Have you ever noticed that Rock has absolutely no lips at all. I wonder what it was he planted on Trish Monday. It’s amazing. BRIAN URLACHER IN THE HOUSE!!!! Cool – if it wasn’t for him, the 9-2 Bears would be 2-9.

Hey, HOW COME THEY AREN’T CENSORING THE WORD ASS NOW? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!! IF YOU ARE GOING TO CENSOR SOMETHING, CENSOR IT ALL NIGHT!!!

Out comes Vince and some guy in the front row has apparently read this column and caught onto the fact that Vince is playing for both teams – so to speak. He’s tossing him a kissy-face in the front row.

I have just figured out Vince’s plan. He is going to lull Chicago to sleep and escape before anyone is the wiser….

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT!!! What is it about what that makes the crowd scream what? What is it about what that makes me write what? WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT!!!

These wrestlers just got smart all of a sudden – or they started reading OO and picked up on the plan that I knew was going to happen because Stone Cold laid out Kurt Angle and Flair wants to suspend anyone who comes to the ring. Ingenious. By the way, Flair just uttered nine words and managed to gain more respect than McMahon has ever had.

Vince looks way too happy to kiss Rock’s ass. You don’t think that Rock and Vince….Nah!!

Okay…this isn’t making me feel any better about this whole Kiss My Ass Club thing. Knowing that Vince is going to pucker J.R.’s ass..wait. I see a trend. Bring out Trish!!! Now that’s something that I can get behind. Oh, I can’t believe they didn’t show her ass. That’s just wrong…

This is turning into a segment that is way too long AND they didn’t show me Trish’s ass. This is bogus…

UH – OH!! Rik-ass-shi. Oh that’s just disgusting. My God, I wouldn’t be shocked to see Vinnie suddenly climb out of Rikishi’s mouth after how far he stuck his noggin up there. And, he’s enjoying it!! See, I knew it!! I knew it!! Vince is totally out of the closet. You can’t tell me that he didn’t touch Rikishi’s boys on his chin!! I can’t believe they censored the word ass at the beginning of the show, but allowed this to happen. And now they show a replay!! Come on…enough is enough. Jeez…that’s just friggin’ gross.

Why are they even having this match? My god, they should just close the damn company after what I just saw. My god, McMahon could have eyeballed to see if Rikishi had colon cancer. Crash needs the tights to win and gets laid out for his troubles. How far has the 24/7 guy sunk?

That is a brilliant sound effect they just laid in there of Vinnie yelling, but next time, I suggest you soften it when he puts the phone back to his ear. Who’s directing this thing anyway? And why didn’t he let me see Trish’s thing and turn away when McMahon crawled inside of Rikishi.

Mr. T’s kid is looking for a job:

They let Flair speak? What, did the writers finally understand that they weren’t using Flair to his full potential? Hmm, I get the feeling that Booker T is going to have a run in at some point during Vengeance, but, the real question I have is this: Why isn’t he in jail. For God’s sake, he jacked a truck in Milwaukee – on live television no less – and no he’s walking around looking for a job? What, is this some sort of rehab thing through Milwaukee County Corrections Center? Or, are we – the viewer with miniscule attention spans – just supposed to forget that it ever happened? And don’t explain it away by saying "I gave it back to him," that just makes it worse. We all know that Stone Cold would either kick your ass for doing it and you’d be in the hospital or he would have your ass thrown in jail. Man, I hate that!!

Marky Mark comes out to start a fight. Okay, I have nothing to say here except that it severely bored me and that Underbiker looked at the can of beer like it was the first one he’s ever seen. I’m telling you, his wife needs to give him some acting lessons.

Okay, that is completely illogical. Farooq comes down and steals the bike, but on drives it to the top of the ramp? Why doesn’t he help his buddy who’s getting kicked around the ring? AH…Points-To-Self needs to get some revenge. Well, now it makes totally LOGICAL sense. Who was I too ever doubt the writers of the WWF?

I’ve got to say that I’ve actually liked those things. The Creed song plays out well with a lot of the vignettes the WWF has thrown out there. The Stone Cold one wasn’t as great as some of the others, but it was still a cool segment. It’s a lot better than McMahon jamming his head through Rikishi’s sphincter and well into his poop canal.

And though I like the pricksh heel Y2J over the baby-face Y2J, I think this is the perfect opportunity for me to get another cup of coffee. Y2J isn’t going to do anything stupid enough – or clever enough – for me to write about. Besides, I have to get McMahon as a dingle-berry out of my head before the main event.

You know, back to the whole fist thing from before…that is a huge fist. How in the hell do they move it around? It has to come apart or something. If anyone has any insights into this, let me know because it’s really pissing me off.

Ah, we’ll be watching the main event through the great Chicago fog it seems. I’ve noticed that tonight – Red = Bad. Angle wears red and Jericho has a red head – for some reason. Wait, Rocks, wearing bad – my bad. I don’t know – this is pretty hot. Nice use of moves, switches and play off each other. A lot of finisher saves….Cool match, except for the fact the Jericho sat on Stone Colds head. I saw a lot of finishers, and even one from Angle to his own partner. It was a good way to end the show, and somewhat made up for the fact that I watched the most disgusting thing of my entire life on television tonight.

A six out of 10 stars. It was a nice little preview to the PPV, the main event was hot, the smaller matches helped and the segments weren’t extremely drawn out. I took away a full three stars because of the conclusion of the Kiss My Ass angle.

Number of pointing to one’s self: Three by Points-To-Self and One by Underbiker-To-Self.

Number of times that the Rock grabbed his own ass: Three times.

Number of times Trish grabbed her ass: None…except to pull her wrestling attire down.

Number of thongs: Three…Stacy, Trish and Jackie.

Number of woos: one-half (Flair said it extremely weak)

Number of asses kissed: None

Number of heads jammed into Rikishi’s rectum: One (though it could easily fit three more.)

Highest number of commentators at the announcer’s table: Four (Shrill, King, JR and Trish)

Number of hairs cut off by the Underbiker while missing Raw: God, I have no idea how many hairs were on that rat’s nest.

Number of What’s: A lot – I lost track after 14.

Dumbest line of the night: "This is gonna be good," by Shrill. Don’t ever Schiavoni me again, Shrill.

See you Monday.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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