by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

But – as always – before the pyro:

From the Bag O’ Hate:

From Wudis (Monday’s hater)-

Say what you want about my hatin' on ya but I only found one error this week as opposed to last week. Maybe it was good for you to get a little constructive criticism. Here's to starting over. And a much improved column.

I have converted one man to the side of good!! Hooooorrrrayyyyy for me.

From Daniel -

Well, Daniel, it seems someone read your mind…..

Thanks for the help Shane!

One thank you that I left out Monday nearly cost me my sex life. I want to thank Heather for giving me two nights a week away to write this column. (Now, I hope you’re happy. Give me lovin’!!!

Check out the Death Watch Radio Show every Tuesday night at10 p.m. at http://www.shoutcast.com/directory/?bitratelessthan=128&s=aodwf&st=gs&l=25 . He talks wrestling. He talks life. He talks about anything that pops into his skull! And trust me when I say that he will no doubt piss you off in some way.

1 – Austin will exact revenge tonight on Booker T.

2 – No matter what the poster says, Triple Haitch will not be at the program.

3 – Lita and Jeff will get back together, if only for tonight.

4 – Stacy will be defiled in some way.

5 – Shot in the dark – 45 what’s and 15 woo’s.

And we start off in the ring

There’s that damn fist again. No one bothered to write me this week and tell how in the hell the WWF moves that from arena to arena.

Angle’s music is the same it’s always been…unless I’m missing something – which I may be because I’m a moron.

Okay, where are the knucks? Ah, they were in Angle’s tights, which is a safe place to put them. No one would ever think of looking there.

Shit…as I said on Monday, I refuse to cover this match because of the implications of people flying up Fatty’s ass. Wait, the show just started – meaning it’s PG right now. I guess I don’t have to worry about it.

At least the damn crowd is into tonight’s show. On Monday, I saw people sleeping in the front row.

Wait – it’s over? What the hell was that? Do those four guys have a date to get to or something? Rikishi and Angle probably have a date together.

NO!! DON’T DO IT!!! This the PG portion of the show, you fat…Thank God for the knucks. Thank God for Regal!! DAMN, IT GOING TO HAPPEN TO REGAL ANYWAY!!! Be careful of his nose!!! What about Mike, tonight’s guest from the Bag O‘ Hate!!! He wants to watch wrestling!!! Not some group homosexual activity!!! And now you guys gone and done it. GREAT!! Rikishi’s ass bloodied Regal’s nose – but, Regal’s always bloody. (Insert your own English joke here.) Man, that guy needs a brain surgeon or something. His nose has been bloody more times than not lately. Good idea, show a close up of the blood, that’ll piss off the censors.

HAH! The dog just attacked Vinnie. And, the censors just bleeped ass. Lawler just said let the dogs out….and, as long as the King and dogs were mentioned, it’s a perfect segue to mention those pictures with Lawler’s ex-wife "The Kat" on the net. By the way, if any of my loyal readers would kindly pass along the web address where I could view….Um, Hi Honey - (Shit, Heather just walked in and started reading over my shoulder) - …I’m not doing anything, just writing the column for that wrestling site you hate….Me? No, I’m not asking for anyone to send me porn…Come on, I’m working…What do you mean you’re going to watch wrestling with me….But, you hate wrestling…I don’t want to spend more time with you – aw damn.

Well, this is going to suck. Welcome to the PG version of S-CJ. Sorry.

What the hell is a damn Gundam anyway? Is it a model? Is it a toy? Is it some sort of nuclear device?

Man, look at all the blood from such a minor head (ass) shot. He really needs to get that schnozz fixed. I think that’s the last time you’ll be seeing Regal for about three weeks – well, he’ll have the surgery and walk around with one of those nose covers that Test wore awhile back.

Flair got the box up for Vinnie? Well, it’s good to see the man is trying to turn Vinnie back to the home team, setting up some box for the V-man. Oh – that’s the box he was talking about…No honey, the box doesn’t mean anything gross...It’s just a metaphor...You don’t want to know what it’s a metaphor for… Look, psycho, isn’t Friends on or something?

Vinnie just let the word "butt" slip out of his mouth, and it must have squeaked past the sharp censors manning the button over at UPN headquarters. Ah, I see how this is going. It’s time to play everyone’s favorite game "Where’s Stone Cold At?" I would say the ceiling, but it’s a drop ceiling and he’d fall.

Hi Lita…shit….no, dear, you are the only one for me. No, I don’t want her…No, I don’t want a hot looking redhead with perfect breasts. I’d much prefer your fake blond hair and extremely saggy breasts.

(That’ll get her out of here. YES!!! Hooray for me!!!)

That Test is a sensitive man. He REALLY understands the way Lita feels, the way she hurts. You go get your mac on Test!!! What!! I can’t believe she said no. Yea, brotha – you tell her. She is a tease!! She looks at me the same damn way, every week too. Walking around with those thongs on, showing us her bra all the time.

Ahh…that blue-haired spaz is out to save her again….which leads me to ask a question that has perplexed me for my entire 32-years of being alive. Why DO men have nipples?

I’ll be sure to park my ass in front of the television that night so I can watch it for three whole hours. I mean, on that particular night, I have absolutely nothing better to do. Could that be why they decided not to run a new Raw? Hmmm….

Aw, that Spike, goin’ out and wishing me a happy holiday? How’s that concussion doing there, little man?

What the hell is Crash doing here? He’s still on the roster? Oh, yea, that’s right. He beat Jackie last week. It all makes sense now. Because he beat Jackie, that automatically makes him the number one contender for the cruiserweight championship. And tonight is his shot…Um, wait….wouldn’t that mean that he would be the number one contender for the woman’s championship? Ah, never-you-mind the particulars. Let the little guy fight. God, Torrie is so hot. Uh-oh, Tajiri takes the win and Vinnie looks mad.

Hey, it’s the Hurricane with the save. It seems the WWF has gone out and made Helms a good guy. And, in the process, managed to give him something to do for the next three or four weeks. Maybe DDP should take a note here: Instead of going home when you aren’t n television, stick around the arena in case the fed needs you. This way, the higher ups look at you as a team player and you may actually get a storyline written for you. However, DDP is rushing home to be with Kimberly, so, um, never mind what I said.

Yea, how did Storm get Flair’s cell phone? That’s a number only I should have! Storm must have gotten some acting lessons in the past week because he’s not doing that same three words, pause, three words, pause thing anymore that was driving me crazy. Either that or Flair is cutting him off on purpose to make Storm sound better.

Flair caved in way too easy. He should make Storm wash his car or something. How come I have a feeling this is not the final chance for Storm.

How friggin’ rude is that? Hey, Vinnie, get off the damn phone, this is a television show and it keeps cutting back to you. Wait! I’ve heard this order before….and Little T saying "What" is giving me a clue as to where I’ve heard it before. Huh? Wait, you actually believe that this is Stone Cold’s order and it went to you by mistake? That’s almost as moronic as T giving Stone Cold’s truck back to him two weeks ago and lived to talk about it. Come on!! Morons!!! He sent it to you on purpose as a warning….He’s conning you!!! How friggin’ stupid are you people? That’s it. I’m calling Vince and warning him….

(See, Vinnie’s phone is actually ringing. I told you guys I knew it.)

Yea, Vince, it’s Lee. How friggin’ stupid are you and that moron next to you? Don’t you realize that…Hey! You Bastard!! Don’t hang up on me!!! I hope Stone Cold kicks your ass now!!

(hypnotic voice) Remember last week, Earl. You became immune to him Earl. Draw on that power, Earl. You ignored his big elbow, Earl. It didn’t phase you. Draw on that feeling. Earl, know that Test cannot hurt you. Know that Test is just a tiny little man, because you are Super Earl. You are the true living legend, Earl. You could achieve championship gold, Earl. You can defeat Test, Earl. See how easy Jeff beats up Test, Earl? You can do it too, Earl. You are the greatest referee/wrestler ever. See, how Test’s head snaps back with every punch even though Jeff hits him with a limp-wrist like a girl, Earl? See, how he’s in pain with that limp-wristed arm-fling deal? You could do that too…. WAIT EARL!! DO NOT FLEE!!! Wait till we’ve negotiated!!! Would someone please come out here and show Earl how it’s done please!!!! Thank you, Duane. Earl, see how Duane does not flee Test. You need to learn to do that, Earl!!!

FIRE!!! FIRE!!!! Wait, Vinnie…No!! DON’T WASTE THE BEER!!! Dammit, it’s just wrong to abuse alcohol like that. Where’s Stone Cold when you need him?

Aw, thanks for the best wishes, DeVon. By the way, what was it like having Trish’s head between your legs on Monday?

The Hazer, Farooq and Heel Heat Hardy:

Hooterana thing? Hahahaha… Thongs? Heh..this is pretty funny. These two guys are asking the things that I have always wanted to know about Lita. So, why does Hardy look so pissed?

Here come the firemen…Hey, we found the Stone Cold. He’s right there, dressed like that fireman. Vinnie gets laid out with one punch. T is running away…How come it doesn’t say Stone Cold on the back of his fire jacket? Is he not one of the firefighter that showed up? Does he not wear the fire department colors? Heh…Austin’s running out of wind and is starting to slow down because of that heavy coat. Now you understand what our nation’s protectors go through on a daily basis. Hey! T really did give him back his truck!! How stupid of me to say it was a stupid thing for the writers to write!! I’m sorry to all the writers in the WWF now…forgive me.

Why the hell are those security guards just standing there staring at Austin for? My God, he’s beating up the guy who is paying you!! Do something!! Release the hounds!! Call the cops!!! What the hell is Vinnie paying you for? They just let Austin in to start whooping ass!!! What is it with the security force in California?!!!!

God, look how warm it is…I’m moving to California.

There’s that damn fist sitting there that I have no idea how they transported. How in the hell did they get it there from Chicago last week? Someone please tell me!!!

Storm doesn’t look happy when Kane shows up. Looks like Storm is heading back to the short order cook line again. Maybe, if he had Dawn Marie by his side, he’d become a champion again. There’s Vinnie with some ice on his head. You know, what the hell were the damn dogs doing the whole time? Eating Milk Bones? Damn, the match is over now…I missed it!! Curse you security guards and your dogs too!!

Natural redhead!! Hahahahaha, these guys are a riot tonight. I can forgive a little hazing of a weak-assed referee if Bradshaw is this funny every week. Oh, and the kicker with "Ask Jeff!" HA! NO DON’T SPILL THE BEER!!! Damn, what is it with this show tonight and the beer being wasted?

Triple Haitch + US = Beautiful Day:

They are definitely getting their money’s worth on this video. Eww…I saw inside Haitch’s leg.

Aw, that guy from Quantum Leap just wished me a Happy Holidays. I wonder what he’s up to now?

I want to see someone lift up the middle rope when Stacy climbs into the ring.

I wonder if Tazz is pissed that Sparky Plugg replaced him on Tough Enough 2 – no less. Albert has no rhythm….was that a cabbage patch that I just caught him doing? Hey Scotty, the carpet still doesn’t match the drapes, buddy. I say if you’re going to dye it, then shave it too.

And, the crowd went nite-nite during this thing. Maybe the W-O-R-M will get them up! No…denied by Stacy. And there is the gratuitous defiling of Stacy. Wow, Tazz got the pin? How’d that happen? I guess there goes his long-as-the-Detroit-Lions losing streak.

Hmmm…T’s on the run and he just decides to stop at the supermarket. How absolutely ludicrous is that? And why did he just say the actual name of the supermarket (Green Frog) perfectly? You don’t think he did that shameless plug that was clearly designed to give the owners of the store some relief for having their market in shambles by the end of the broadcast? And, Vince, I must say, you just did some great faces while reacting to T. That was method acting at it’s best.

Aw, Hugh Morrus wishes me a Happy Holidays in his own "special" way…that was absolutely retarded. I’m taking away a whole star from the final ranking because of that.

Don’t cheer Matt!! He’s a heel!! For that matter – stop cheering Chris Jericho!! He - too - is a heel?

Jerry Lawler has just announced to the world – again – that he is single. Which is another perfect segue into the fact that I still have not seen the Kat doing the naughty on the web. So if any of my….DAMN!!! No, Dear, I’m not looking for porn from the readers. I’m trying to do some research on wrestling and a few people out there may be able to help me with it. (I’m in deep shit tonight.)

Back to the matters at hand, nice little match, even though Matt was scared by the clothesline from hell and took it lightly. Well, whatever, you can’t win them all.

Flair walks in with a phone on his ear – and I smell a set up of some kind. I was right. It’s Stone Cold.

Okay, why is it that we couldn’t hear Stone Cold on the phone when was talking to Flair, but we could hear it when Vinnie grabbed the receiver? That is really annoying. I mean, I have that same exact Primeco phone and there isn’t a speaker attachment for it. And, if there is, then I’m going to call my phone dealer (WHAT?) and order me a new cell phone (WHAT?) with a speaker (WHAT?) and a carrying case (WHAT?) and a car attachment (WHAT?) and a cord for the lighter (WHAT?) and voice capabilities (WHAT?) and light up displays (WHAT?) and a couple of games on it (WHAT?) like Tetris(WHAT?) and snake (WHAT?) and Memory (WHAT?)…See, anyone can do it.

Why is Vinnie explaining his difficulties to one of those security guards? Wasn’t that one of the bastards that allowed Stone Cold into your suite to kick the crap out of you? Man, this guy – who I called a Master of Manipulation last week – sure turned out to be a moron tonight.

See – T is a thief. He’s just opening up packages of cereal and eating it!!! Maybe, if he was charged in Milwaukee for stealing Stone Cold’s truck, the rehab and community service would have broke him of that. What an asshole, just steal food like that. And Sugar Pops of all things…And that guy who T just laid out should press charges against him. Man, this T fellow needs to spend some serious time in ‘da joint.

Hiya, Stone Cold. Fancy seeing you here. Thank God someone had the presence of mind to station the camera’s at this store before T got there or else we wouldn’t be seeing you right now. And it’s a brawl in the produce aisle!!! Oh no not the courifrower!! Oh no – not the brocori!!! T just landed ass down on some onions. I hope someone is charging the WWF for this. And, a touch of Grey Poupon. Vinnie just bought some Cheerios. Hey!! Get security, They’re sneaking out the back door!! An egg misses T by three inches, but another slams him in the back, then one on his head. Eggs whites are actually good for the hair, so no harm done there. T rebounds. You moron, don’t throw him into the Charmin!! Watch out for the beer!!!! Damn, there goes a case. This company is just wasting beer left and right tonight…and the food. What about all those starving children in China? (Why did my mother always say that to me when I didn’t want to finish my meal.) Now you’re thinking T, throw him into the beer cooler – or the milk cooler. Whatever. And Stone Cold drinks milk? What would Angle say? Are they friends now?

Did I just hear T crying? Thank God someone actually called the cops to end this. Okay, Austin had a good final line: "Price check on a jack ass."

Is that boos I’m actually hearing for Y2J? Wow…people are actually starting to catch on to this whole heel/face thing. Umm…on second thought, Underbiker the heel was just cheered loudly.

Let’s see…

I’ve just sat here for like 5 minutes and haven’t been able to bitch about anything. It’s actually a decent match. It’s tells one hell of a story, both Biker and Duane showed some spunk and Duane and Jericho played off each other well. It’s damn good. I mean, I want to bitch about something - I want to say something bad about it. But the only real thing I have is that the Biker was acting too gingerly and it was picked up on camera. (The elbow rake looked very fake because of the bad camera angle and the finger mouth thing looked fake) But, honestly, it’s been a damn fine match so far. I’ll tell you what: I’ll bitch if RVD doesn’t get the pin. How’s that?

DAMN!! He got it. Shit, I’m sorry, but it was the best match I’ve seen in three weeks. I guess I’ll shut up. (Stop applauding!!!)

Overall:

A pretty good show overall. The APA and Matt Hardy skit made me laugh out loud, and the final match was great. Also, the super market thing didn’t bother me too much, the real cheesy thing was stone cold always had a phrase or a statement before he hit him with something (And Booker T really did cry in the segment.) The short opening match bothered me a little, but it was worth it to keep the stinkface down to a minimum. So, I’ll give it a 7.5 out of a possible 10 stars.

Number of "What’s": 40 by the audience, 4 by Austin, 2 by Vinnie and 6 by Booker T.

Number of "Woo’s": 20 by audience, 4 by Flair.

Number of Points-To-Self: Two – both in the last minute.

Number of Thongs: Two – both Lita’s

Number of times Stacy Kiebler was defiled in some way: Once, had her skirt completely pulled down around her ankles by Albert..

Number of heads up Rikishi’s ass: 1 – Regal.

Number of J.R.-isms: Two. One by King and one by Shrill Cole, bother were "beaten like a scalded dog."

Number of predictions I got right: 3 out of five. I got the what’s and woo’s number wrong, and Lita and Matt did not get back together.

See you Monday

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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