by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

But, as always -

From the Bag O’ Hate:

I couldn’t believe that I didn’t get a single letter in the Bag O’ Hate over the weekend. Well, I got a letter from someone who complained a little, but when hate mail comes in that starts "Hey, man, love your column, but…" I refuse to count that as hate mail. So, instead, read the "Devil’s Due" this week by Johnny Diavalo. I guess he makes fun of me somewhat, in his own clever way, and that should satisfy the haters out there until Thursday.

In this week's S-CJ, you wrote: Okay, why is it that we couldn’t hear Stone Cold on the phone when he was talking to Flair, but we could hear it when Vinnie grabbed the receiver? My wife and I were wondering the same thing, and came to the obvious conclusion: Vince's head is some sort of weird resonator. I suspect Tony Chimel could perform his ring-announcer duties simply by speaking loudly into Vince's ear; the whole arena should then be able to hear him.

Interesting theory, and because I think you have a PHD or something hanging on your office wall at the superconducting cyclotron doohickey, who am I to argue with you. So, basically, Vinnie is a blow hard. Thanks for your help A.C.

To Hannibal, Michael, and Michael…for sending me the photo that I never went out and actually asked for but wanted anyway. That Kat – what a naughty little minx.

They asked for a shameless plug – so I grant one to them. For those of you looking to try your hand at e-fed wrestling out there, there’s no place like the COWO at http://cowo2001.tripod.com/index.html. Now, you bastards better make Rocky Stellar the champion!!!

1: Y2J will not loose the title tonight

2: Triple Haitch will not appear on Raw tonight

3: Little T will get his revenge on Stone Cold tonight, with the help of Vinnie.

4: Stacy Kiebler will be defiled yet again.

5: The sound on the broadcast will be so low at the start of the show that I won't be able to hear the King and JR – yet again.

The pyro comes right down your throat this week, making me skip out of the way. In the Cajundome in Louisiana – and the fucking sound guys made sure that my #5 prediction is pegged right off the bat. God, when the hell are these fucking idiots at TNN or in the WWF truck going to get that fixed? It takes 15 minutes for the damn sound to come on…

And, again the Underbiker gets applause. And, again, I can hear Lillian Garcia better than I can hear JR and the King. This is retarded. I can hear the moron in the fourth row who - to my knowledge – doesn’t have a microphone better than I can hear the guys with headsets. What? Speak up you bastards. I just heard Underbiker more than I heard JR. And, yet again, Lita needs to work with Jeff and teach him how to stop throwing those limp-wristed sissy right hands. And, like every jilted ex-lover, Matt is slamming booze at a bar. However, this bar happens to be in New York. Shameless WWF plug #1 out of the way for the WWF.

You know, I bet 10 to 1 odds that when all is said and done and the Hardy’s finally retire, Jeff gets more titles and closer to the heavyweight championship than Matt ever does. Man, Jeff and Lita are really dressing a lot a like. Do you think Jeff wears a thong like Lita does?

Biker wins and walks away – oops, he checks him some of Lita. Can’t really blame the man, but he’s got Sara at home – as the tattoo on his neck explains. And, because Jeff hits like a girl, Biker sends him through the Last Ride off the stage onto an extremely soft table. Where Lita will now join him. Wait…why is Matt all upset? Why would he care? He hates his brother and his ex-girlfriend now – or does he?

Are we totally sure he’s in New York and not backstage at the arena? It looks like he’s in one of the cheap WWF sets. Where’s he going? What plane is he going to catch tonight to be at his brother’s side? I’m sure this will all be explained on SD! Thursday.

Ah, let’s show the entire destruction of the grocery store. If you want to see it, check out S-CJ from Thursday, or check out Eitan’s SD! recap.

See, T was crying. He really was. If he cries about that, what happens when Austin and Booker actually cross paths in the coming months? And, of course, this has to go somewhere so Vinnie decides to call out SCSA. Austin is sporting the double-knee braces, which of course means that SCSA is either going to have to run for some reason, or someone – namely Vinnie - is gonna get a stunner.

And, now, Little T is destroying Austin’s truck. Lets see, in three weeks, Little T has jacked a truck, destroyed a grocery store and – now - vandalized a truck. I’m thinking this may be some sort of parole violation and that he should be hanging out in the joint before too long. You think Austin would have learned to put a car alarm on that thing.

Little T flees the arena and Austin gives chase. Where will they be taking us today? Wal-Mart? A bar? Perhaps they are on their way here where we can all sit down and discuss this like gentlemen.

Lillian – again – is looking hot as hell. Hey, the sound has been turned up loud enough to hear Lawler and JR! How nice that someone did their job and turned the little knob. He’s the WWF employee of the week as far as I’m concerned. Albert just showed me that he’s white again…and here comes Stacy’s defiling. Albert’s head covers her entire body for a second and manages a lip-lock…which I don’t find particularly enjoying, and Scotty "needs a new dye job" just RAN into a 3D. And, as if all of this action wasn’t perplexing enough, Stacy just walked into the center of the ring where Albert was waiting. She could have walked around the outside – where she was standing anyway, but no. She wanders through the center of the ring just like she wanted some of – AH-HA!!! She wants some of Albert’s cranium. (I tried to insert a head joke here, but it would have been wasted.)

Vinnie on the magic phone that has a speaker attachment – somewhere. T went to church? Well, you know, if you have no where else to be on a Monday, church is as good a place as any. Maybe he’ll find God and stop all this needless violence. Or maybe, the WWF is stupid enough to tear up a house of worship. I think the latter.

No goofing off, that was a real shame. For those of us with a heart murmur, it’s a shame that it didn’t get diagnosed earlier.

Hey, it’s no fair to be setting up matches for Raw on Heat. I don’t want to waste all my time on wrestling and I have no intentions of watching that damn show too!!

One minute into it and Tazz has his second longest match of the year. However, the minute I open my mouth, Christian makes the pin and gets the squash. Why even let Tazz wrestle if he’s just going to walk out there and get squashed every week?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve said it before that I love Flair, but he really needs to work with someone on the speech impediment. It’s getting so that I can’t understand him – even when he’s just talking.

Oh, I get it, Helm’s is a mild mannered reporter like Clark Kent – and here comes Storm.

Storm begs for a job and Flair immediately decides to give him one more shot – and perhaps Flair should look into a dosage of Ritalin…dude, chill. Later,

It seems the Duane will wrestle the Storm. I guess the Duane needs something to do. I wonder if the Duane is pissed off that he’s been reduced to mid-card status for the last two RAWs. He had Trish in his corner last week and now he’s got to fight Storm.

Why does the company think that RVD can’t act? He’s funny as hell. He plays a hell of a "Dude." Great, so I get to listen to Vinnie during the main event. How wonderful is that? I wonder if we’ll be able to hear the magical cell phone as well.

What the hell is this? Did TNN screw up and start airing Bingo on Monday nights? Oh. I get it. Little T is at the church playing bingo. AND HE JUST SWIPED A BINGO CARD FROM SOME WOMAN!! Now he’s a fucking thief. That’s another year in the clink for him. Man, this somabitch needs some supervision. There’s Austin and T runs out...prompting Austin to calmly walk after him. I smell a trend here. Didn’t I see this on the Bugs Bunny Cartoon Hour with Pepe LePew? Pepe was always skipping after a hot cat or something while the cat ran as fast as she could.

This is exactly why wrestling has pissed me off lately. They do one thing that’s somewhat decent and funny, then they overkill the idea. Look at the Kiss Ass club. I laughed my ass off watching Regal kiss Vince’s ass, but it was only funny once. Instead, Vince got some decent play for it then just buried it. When it came to JR and Trish and the Rock – it was fucking stupid. Jesus, use you’re fucking brains you god damned WWF writers!! God, use your fucking skulls!!!! If it worked once, let it ride!!! You don’t see Friends do the same fucking show over and over!!! Phoebe doesn’t get a puppy in every God damned episode!! Why the hell do you guys do the same fucking thing over and over until you destroy it!!!

God, that pisses me off.

Okay, this is sacrilegious. I can see every catholic in America sending the WWF letters this week. GET OUT FROM UNDERNEATH THE DAMN DAIS!!! What, now he’s in the mangier? And, throughout the entire thing, someone is knocking at the door. ANSWER THE DAMN DOOR!!! Was that a confession booth? Well, I just figured out the end of the show.

PREDICTION #6: Storm is going to get the win because Test is going to make a run in. See, this is exactly what I was talking about before. There is no creativity any more.

Oh what’s the point of watching this match. We all know that the Duane is going to lose…just watch.

See, Storm gets kicked around in the early part, makes a small come back, then as the Duane starts to put it away – THERE HE IS!!! And, to make it worse, the Duane won’t even do the clean job to pump up Storm a little bit. Nope, the Duane is going to get counted out. Whatever. Hey, wasn’t it the Duane that bitched in his book about a wrestler not doing a clean job at his grandfather’s wrestling tournament when he was a teenager? Perhaps the Duane should reevaluate that. The Duane – movie star – seems to have gotten too big for his britches.

Holy shit!! That is the hottest girl these eyes have ever seen. And, according to her confession, she’s naughty. I mean, really naughty. Even worse than the Kat. She slept with her husband’s best friend and his brother – and made video! Now, if someone sends me the website to that video, I’d be happy as hell. T, I swear, I’ll quit calling you Mr. T’s kid if you send me a copy of that video with her after you get it. Man, what a hottie.

You’re preaching to the choir, Chris. Yes you did. You did unify the belts over the other two guys, and – once more - you are the man who actually made the federation somewhat decent again. So take a bow, my brother!! Uh oh – he’s calling out Flair. Okay, what the hell did Flair just say. I think he said no. I think he said the match is continuing. I think I need an interpreter. Flair needs Ritalin as he announces his intentions to be the referee. And to prove he’s the man, he belly bumps Y2J.

I’m not covering this match or any of the replays that show Angle’s head inverted. And, now that Test is here, I’ve got a $2 bill that says we see the Duane again. Okay, get the "let me stick my head up your ass move" over early. Good, they managed to work around it. Dude, Rikishi is so friggin’ fat, it’s disgusting. It’s not cute, it’s not funny, it’s just sick. Can’t J.R. do something about that? Like send him down to Cinci until he drops 100 or something? This match is near the end, so where’s the Duane…Here’s the Duane. And, he just patted Fatty on the ass for good luck. And Test crawls inside Rikishi and begins to look for lose change hiding inside the rectum. The New Orleans crowd roars for the anal raping and Rikishi smiles like a gay man who just had a head jammed up his rectum.

Again…but with news: Triple H returns on Jan 7.

And, so they replay the anal raping and it’s disgusting. Test vs. Rock on SmackDown. And Test shoves Cole – lightly. Cole doesn’t even fall. But damn if he isn’t knocked – oh down he goes – cold. Shrill, you’re a friggin’ girl.

(Sing with me to the tune "Jamie’s Got a Gun" from Aerosmith) "Billy’s got a job. Billy’s got a job. He is such a knob. But he’s got a job. What did Road Dogg do? Leaving Billy with no fu(ture)." Hey, welcome back to Raw Mr. Ass. First time since – what – the night of Billy Bitchcakes? Let’s just see if you learned how to sell yet. See how Tajiri does it, Billy? That’s how to sell. Here we go – um…no. Billy still sells by acting like he got kicked in the chin. Was that a double team bull dog I saw? Wow, they’re special.

Billy, selling is an art you have yet to master…back to HEAT with you!!

T looks bored of some guy talking – at which point the word "marijuana" and smoking the green stuff sneaks past the TNN censors. And, it simply implies that T not only enjoys the ganja, but promotes it in others as well. So, just add that to the list of misdemeanors T already has and…there’s Austin. All those who didn’t see that coming raise their hands!! I smell a fight in the church or the church parking lot coming on.

But not until after this commercial:

And, they run into the sisters, where T makes up for his sins by offering the nuns a ride. Awww... that’s cute. Like two little puppies sitting in the window. Austin has to confess and T escaped with some nuns. Well, at least they won’t be destroying a church or anything sacrilegious this wee, but, alas, no friggin pay off to a segment that lasted all night.

Vince is out first as the official ring announcer and spews his love for Y2J. Hello Lillian…nice boots. Now, Flair – now RVD.

RVD is still a God. I’m stunned he hasn’t been severely hurt in his career – and before I get a hundred e-mails, I know he was out with a broken foot. Fans are up looking somewhere across the arena – must be a fight off camera that takes them away from this bout.

McMahon needs to shut up while the arrogant Y2J is coming alive again. The arrogant cover and the flexing is paying off well. I hope the Underbiker is watching on how to turn into a heel. Eww, he squished his head. Flair keeps looking back in the latter part of the match, which makes me smell the Vinnie rear attack coming.

Oh, don’t touch Flair. No way are they going to give the belt to RVD…Double Figure Four….and the music is playing? What? This is over? What the hell happened there? Who called the match over? What the fuck? That was a fucking stupid ending!!!! It was just starting to get good – Y2J was tapping – what the FUCK!! That’s fucked up!!

Overall:

That was bullshit. I liked the more wrestling/less backstage stuff, but come on. The friggin’ main event ended without a bell, the church was just comedic points that built up all night and did nothing, and – again – Test was hidden in Rikishi’s ass. I’m sick of this shit with them. Until they get some….forget it. I’m not ranting anymore. 5 out of 10 stars – and that’s only because there was wrestling.

Number of "What’s": 66 by the audience, 9 by Austin, and 4 by Lawler.

Number of "Woo’s": 22 by audience, 6 by Flair and 3 by Y2J.

Number of Points-To-Self: 5 throughout the show, 4 by RVD, once by Flair.

Number of Thongs: One – Lita’s. (Two if you count Jeff’s.)

Number of times Stacy Kiebler was defiled in some way: Once, maybe, if you count the kiss by Albert.

Number of heads up Rikishi’s ass: 2 – Angle on replay and Test.

Number of J.R.-isms: 1 – J.R. screamed "He’s running like a scalded dog."

Hottest Chick: The girl in the confession room.

Number of predictions I got right: 5 out of 5. I totally hit 100 percent, and if you count the special prediction 6 about the Duane, I was still 100 percent.

See you Thursday.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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