by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

It was always intended that this column – Squared-Circle Jerk – would be a Raw only column. However, for the past 2 months, I have been doing both Raw and Smackdown because A) Rick asked me too until the site was up and fully running, B) I wanted to get my name out there and get people used to the column, and C) Eitan went on vacation. Now that my name is out there on the site, and with Eitan returning on Thursday, it’s the perfect time to drop down and do what was originally intended. So, starting Monday, the S-CJ will be Raw only. That is my resolution to you. (But, I want you guys to know that I will miss Shrill Cole and all his screams.)

But, enough of that site crap, lets get to it. But, as always:

From the Bag O’ Hate:

I ran everything on Christmas eve, so I really have nothing in the mailbag. However, I’ll dig this up for you:

From Hannibal -

Jan 2 1990 An out-of-court settlement was reached in comic Richard Belzer's $5,000,000 suit against pro wrestler Hulk Hogan; Hogan demonstrated a "choke hold" on Belzer on Belzer's TV show; Belzer passed out and banged his head on the floor, requiring 8 stitches.

What this has to do with anything, I have no idea. But, I wanted to put something here.

Again, the sack is empty, so here:

From Sam -

So, who WAS that attractive woman in the confessional booth? And where do I get photos of that scene?

I can’t believe you people are still sending me requests for this damn thing!! This time, write it down!!!

http://i4.yimg.com/4/7e26b931/g/1/cf85d2ef.jpg

(It only works on Explorer. And, if for some reason it doesn’t work, then send me another e-mail and I’ll get it to work.)

1: Flair will say about 100 total words…all of which I can’t understand unless Arn Anderson is standing around to translate.

2: Triple Haitch will not appear tonight – this one is a guarantee.

3: The Hardy’s will not appear because of their suspensions – oops, I guess that didn’t really happen, eh AmyDumas.com?

4: Stacy Kiebler will be defiled yet again.

5: I will get one more e-mail this week again asking me to post a link to the Kat’s naughty picture.

(Personal note: due to my tape being screwed up, I couldn’t get the quarter hour splits right. So, I left them off the report.)

Live from the MCI Arena in Washington DC – there’s a huge fist destroying the stage.

And, Shrill tells us this is the first Smackdown of the year. How brilliant is he, eh?

A Dudley boom starts thing off, and they don’t wait for Tazz to be involved before kicking the hell out of Spike. Jeez, where the hell is Tazz? Don’t beat up little Spike by himself. Wow, that was a long wait….Tazz took longer than Stone Cold waiting for his music to play. I think we just witnessed the first glitch of the year. Come on Tazz! Let’s start this year off right. Let’s get a damn win!! Ewww…Spike gets tossed onto the top rope and out…that kid can take a beating. I love it. And, there’s the fist staring at me again. Man, that is a huge piece of sheet metal. I’m telling you, that thing has to travel by train from city to city. There isn’t a truck big enough in this world to haul that thing around the US and Canada. I really wish an engineer would contact me and tell me how they get that damn thing around.

Attention!! Attention, the first Stacy Kiebler defiling of the year in three, two….one…blue panties!!! Dudley Bomb off the top rope spells defeat for Tazz and Spike. Oh well, Tazz-ole-buddy-ole-pal. Better luck next week.

That Jazz is one big bitch. I mean, not Chyna big when she first appeared, but she’s a monster none-the-less. She has a huge lisp…just like Chyna though. What the hell is it with large women and a weird lisp? Remember how Chyna had that lisp? And Nicole Bass – who I still think was a guy and had a change. What is it about giant women and a lisp worse than Mike Tyson’s? It has got to do with taking Roids or something. They all have that weird lisp.

Hey, Bitch, easy with the sl(beep) word. And you better go easy on my Lillian babe. Hey, let go of my Lillian, you big-assed bitch. Don’t make me come over there. Yea, you better leave.

Triple Haitch returns Monday:

…and I’ll be watching. But, the real question is – will Nash come with him?

They just showed two Max Payne commercials in a row. Do I see a trend starting here?

Flair lays out Vinnie and the world is a safer place because of it.

I still can’t believe the crowd is still sucked in on the whole "What?" catch phrase. HA!! Vinnie on the cover of Time! That’s fantastic! I’m sure he was considered for his role in the XFL – which was – of course – named to the top 10 most embarrassing displays in sports by ESPN. That was fantastic. HA! Now he’s shutting down the show. I love that shit. When he walked out last week, I rolled my ass off. Hey, he’s really doing it. It’s DARK!! That’s classic. However, I smell an Austin lurking. Vince sits in the dark and he’s happy – there’s the glass - and the flashbulbs show Stone Cold standing behind Vinnie. What…what….what..you got the idea. And the threat OH NO!! RUN AUSTIN!! It’s BIG BAD RAY TRAYLOR!!! Vince gets leveled… but Traylor and Little T kill Austin. What the hell is the point of having the refs stand on the outside of the ring yelling? They aren’t doing any good!! Traylor uses the cheap mike to drill Austin, and now Austin is dead. That mike is certainly the most deadly weapon in the world. A Rocky chant starts up, but he never shows his face. I wonder if he’s still harboring resentment for what happened to him at Wrestlemania. Or, maybe, the Dwayne is scared of Ray Traylor.

Replay: Austin gets beat up and bloodied…

That is perhaps the worst music I have ever heard for a wrestler. I get the whole Jazz thing, but come on. That’s pathetic. She’s supposed to be this powerhouse and she comes out to Dizzy Gillespe?

Hey, this is actually a wrestling match….hmmm. Shrill tells us that Stone Cold is in a medical facility…but I haven’t seen an ambulance. Maybe Shrill is just telling us that Stone Cold has left to throw us off the trail. Maybe he’s making it up. Maybe he doesn’t want us to catch on at the end of the show that Austin will be back.

The Big Bitch tosses Molly though a double underhook triple supplex, which leaves Molly near dead. The pin and Jazz and that crappy music plays to show us that she is unstoppable.

Daddy owns the company and she can’t even get in the back door. Man, this is all a big buildup for her hubby next week. The good news is she leaves without whining, but the bad news is that she threatens a security guard. I wonder if those guys get hazard pay.

Bucky explains to us how he gets some from some European chick, but I don’t believe him for a second. Y2J shows up and acts like an ass – and I love it. Jericho seems scared that Triple Haitch is coming back, which leads me to believe that these two will be meeting each other at the Royal Rumble.

Underbiker basically explains that he isn’t a sissy but does prove he is a bad actor. What the hell is this guy talking about? How the hell is riding away on your bicycle interpreted into you psyching out your opponent? And what the hell does your 11-year WWF career have to do with anything? And, why does this guy always talk about his longevity? What the hell does that have to do with anything? Jeez, Biker, you need a new writer. All that shit proves is that you have been here for a LOOOOONG time, and that you are old.

God, Torrie is the most beautiful woman in the fed – well, except for the confessional girl. Bucky hits on her and she says she’s taken – by me. Oops, not me, but that other little guy instead. She knows the truth though. And somehow, this leads into a match. Tajiri isn’t gonna like this.

They showed the Max Payne commercial twice again. Wow, they are buying up space, eh?

Hey – a CRZ is WALKING SIGN!!!! Cool!!! I hope one day, someone makes up a Squared Circle Jerk sign and gets on television. In fact, I make the promise right here and now. The first person to make a Squared Circle Jerk sign appear on camera gets a one of a kind, limited edition Squared Circle Jerk T-shirt sent to them. This is a promise. No BS. Get me a plug on any show, take a picture of it, send it to me (or just tell me where to look) and I’ll make a shirt with my own two hands and send it to you.

Did I just see the Big Slow run faster than the Underbiker’s motorcycle? Wow, that man is fast. He may be big like a mountain, but he runs like a cheetah. Why doesn’t Slow hit Underbiker with the motorcycle? Biker shoots the knee on Slow to reverse the action, which leads me to believe that Biker is a hypocrite. I know that for years, people have been shooting his knee in matches and it’s got to piss him off. So, why in the hell would he do it to someone else? I’ll tell you why, because the Underbiker is eeeeeeeevvvvviiiiilllllll. Slow with a chokeslam and Biker kicks out. Underbiker with the dragon sleeper/deadman scream and Slow taps out. Now, who the hell is going to fight for the hardcore title? The Biker is unstoppable!!

Another Max Payne commercial

She is still trying to get in the arena, and decides to use her womanly ways to get what she wants. But, unfortunately, security guard Mike is cumsi-cumsa. And, to prove it, they show Billy and Polumbo – who may also be cumsi-cumsa. How clever this little segment was.

This should be good because all four guys can go. Speaking of wrestlers who can go, I can’t wait for Benoit to get back. I never thought I would miss the Wolverine, but, I miss his stiff shots. I predict that Angle will bleed before this match is over. I can’t ever remember a time Angle didn’t bleed because of RVD. Quick moves, great action. Gotta love it when the four guys can go Edge with an Angle-lock of his own. And now the Edge-ecution…and a five-star. Jeez, this thing has it all!!! Edge gets pinned after some fine cheating. Great match, but it just wasn’t long enough. It was easily the best match of the year so far, though that isn’t saying much, considering it’s the first SD of the year. But, man what a match.

I think Flair said he is going to make a speech or something, but I’m not quite sure because Arn wasn’t doing a good enough job of interpreting for me. We’ll have to wait and see what happens after another slew of commercials.

Yep, he said he was coming out to the ring, which gives me an opportunity to count the woo’s. Nice coat you just chucked across the stage. That damn thing is probably worth the amount of coin I get from working here, you bastard. What? I can’t understand you…. thank god for Shrill is here to interpret for me. What the hell is an "Ivroy tewrrr?" I’m sorry, but I have no idea what the hell he is saying. Something about kicking Vinnie’s ass at the "Ryoal Rundbleee" – whatever the hell that is. And here’s Ms. Haitch climbing over the guardrail while the security guards feel her up. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Her pants are unbuttoned!!! Well, I guess we know how she got through security this time. She found a guard ho wasn’t gay. Steph apparently wants a job and uses her womanly ways to try and get it…And, Flair begins to think about getting him some of dat!! This is like the nature channel…Flair is hopping around the ring in a display of prowess for his soon-to-be-mate. Like a large ape does to the females in his tribe. But, Steph shows why she is called a dick tease in Connecticut and drills Flair. Again, she promotes her hubby. This could be interesting on Monday.

Tell me this won’t be a squash…big guy vs. little guy thing. Please, show me an upset here. Ted Long is in there…I guess Earl Hebner has had enough of Bucky and his whole immunity thing. Well, it lasted longer than I thought it would, but Torrie looks upset. Come here, honey. I’ll console you.

Why are they even letting Traylor speak? He is such a moron. Remember the last time he actually spoke? He was forcing Big Show’s mother into confessing that Slow was a bastard child. Traylor with another stellar performance, while T shows of the new "Who?" catch phrase.

I think that is the last time we have to see this.

Catch phrase central ready to go, while Coach proves that he has a little Barry Manilow in him. HA!! We can’t here you Dwayne. You broke the damn mike!! However, he fixed it before the whole segment was screwed up, then made did a sweet rendition of Da Coach singing Barry Manilow. He also manages to squeeze in there that he’s hung as long as an umbilical cord. Of course, he threatens T – and means to back it up.

Two more Max Payne commercials

The two exchange blows and no one gets the upper hand – except, of course, for the fist still hanging precariously. You know the fist I’m talking about…the one that travels from city to city on a magic cloud.

Now, T, you leave Earl alone or else I’m going to come out there. He’s put up with enough crap from Bucky, he doesn’t need that from you.

Hey, when did the Smackdown ropes go from blue to black – or am I just dense and didn’t see that months ago.

Vinnie comes out to hand Dwayne a left., and Dwayne could be down – but no, because Dwayne has resiliency….AHHH..my tape cut out!!!!

What the frick!!!! What the hell is going on!!! How the fuck am I…..

It’s back . What the fuck happened? What did I miss!!!

OH NO Not Traylor!! He’s cheating!!! I hate that guy!!! Yet, despite the overwhelming odds, the resilient Dwayne comes out with a win. What a stud he is…he’s a blue chipper all right. And it’s a double team for his troubles. Why the hell are referee’s out? I don’t think that Traylor and T are going to pay attention to them. Just send them in the back.

My God, Traylor hits like a girl. He’s got the worst limp-wristed action this side of Jeff Hardy.

Break the glass…and Austin cleans house. Watch out for that chair!! Ugh…The replay shows Austin stopping the chair shot with his hands four feet from his face.

T and Traylor scatter because, after all, Austin and Dwayne on the mat is not good.

Overall:

You know, it wasn’t too bad with the best match of the night going to the tag team match with Y2J and Angle vs. Edge and the Dude. It was a good little show, with the flaws something I can overlook. I give it a 7.5 out of 10.

Number of "What’s": 58 by crowd, 7 by Stone Cold, 6 by Lawler, 3 by Traylor, 8 by Vinnie.

Number of "Woo’s": 4 by Flair, 13 by the crowd and 1 by Lawler.

Number of "Who’s": 3 by T, 1 by Vinnie, 3 by Lawler, 1 by the crowd and 1 by Dwayne.

Number of Points-To-Self: 1 by The Dude.

Number of Max Payne Commercials: Seven

Number of Thongs: None, Lita’s got the "night off," so to speak.

Number of times Stacy Kiebler was defiled in some way: Once: Blue panties.

Number of heads up Rikishi’s ass: None – no Rikishi’s ass at all. It was a great way to ring in the new year.

Number of J.R.-isms: None, Shrill just pissed me off again.

Hottest Chick: Torrie – but still – as always - the girl in the confession room.

Number of predictions I got right: 4 out of 5. It could be 5 out of 5, but I won’t know until Monday whether or not someone asked me for the damn link again.

Have a good weekend and see you Monday.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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