by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

But first:

From the Bag O’ Hate:

Nothing in the Bag O’ Hate this week. Not even a "You asshole, why aren’t you doing Thursday’s anymore!!! You suck." But oh well…

From Mike -

Keep up the good work!

Thanks Mike. And, we all loved WrestleLine, where Rick actually made money for watching wrestling. Those bastards!

From Theodore –

Dear Theo…

Time for a little truth. The SD! version of S-CJ was cancelled because there was no way to get a knee-jerk reaction up on time. See, Scaia – who is the webmaster as well as the wrestling guru around here - posts everything on the site. However, on Thursday nights, Rick leaves OO Central right after SD! And heads off to some lame bar in Dayton with his one friend to drink pounds of Pabst Blue Ribbon. He doesn’t have the fortitude to wait until 11 p.m. on Thursday nights for me to give him my column (He wants to get drunk NOW.) So, because he’s a lush, he doesn’t want to post a knee-jerk reaction to a show on Friday morning. That’s why we decided to cancel it. If you want S-CJ back – or If you want to do it yourself - you need to do two things: 1) Get us a corporate sponsorship so all of the OO columnists, including myself, would receive a paycheck to waste valuable amounts of time writing long columns for you – our personal viewer – and 2) get Rick a couple more friends – maybe even a girl – and start a letter writing campaign that would eventually force Rick into Alcoholics Anonymous. It’s that simple. Otherwise – no SD S-CJ on Thurs. for YOU!!!

[Note from Rick:  Lee's account is not entirely true.  Of course, it's not entirely false, either.  Now, somebody PBR me, ASAP!  - ed.]

1: Triple Haitch WILL appear on Raw tonight!!!

2: Someone from WWF New York will appear at Madison Square Garden.

3: I will not be able to understand King and JR because the sound will be way too low – again!!!

4: Stacy Keibler will be defiled yet again.

5: I will get one more e-mail this week again asking me to post a link to the Kat’s naughty picture. (UPDATE: Someone did send me a letter asking me for the link on Friday – so I went 5 for 5 last week!!!)

Hey, in case you hadn’t heard, Tripe Haitch + U2 = Beautiful Day

Will The Game be a bad guy? Will he be a good guy? Will Nash come with him? Will Steph come with him? Will I keep asking you the same questions like you know something that I don’t? Will Batman ever escape the dreaded clam trap?

Madison Square Garden is jacked and ready because Dwayne and SCSA face Little T and Ray "Tractor" Traylor. But first…

Hey, Vinnie’s got a shiner! And it’s a real nasty one too. Vinnie, what happened? Did you get that from Austin last week?

It seems the WWF is putting that WCW tape library to good use. Hey, they even cut in some WWF shots for good measure. Awwww. It’s all one big happy wrestling promotion now. Atta boy monopoly Vinnie!!

Vinnie rips on his slut daughter and his pussy son, before donning a wig and a robe to look like a blonde Hugh Hefner. Oh, I get it, he’s making fun of Flair – I wouldn’t do that if I were you. See, now you gone and done it. Hahahaha. He’s donning Flair wear as the asshole chant rings through New York. Flair has decided to join us in the ring, though, I think that Vinnie makes a better Flair than Flair. At least I can understand what Vince is saying most of the time.

Hey, I can understand Flair for once. That speech therapist the company sprang for is really paying off. And, now it’s gone. Don’t get too mad, you’re spiting all over yourself. Time for me to interpret what is being said. Okay, he points at the wig, so he must be ticked off. I think he’s mad at the outfit. Uh oh…RIC LOOK OUT FOR THAT!!!! Too late. Lead pipe spells blade for Flair. You don’t think they’re planning on splitting the company after the Rumble because of this lead pipe thing, do you? Vinnie misses with a kick and Flair falls on his ass. Bad camera angle shows the bad head into the hand shot on the ring post. Flair with the crimson mask and Vinnie with the eye point showing they are even.

NO, NOT AGAIN!! Duck this time RIC!!! Oh wait, it’s on tape. Sorry, my bad.

You know, I never really liked Test before this whole immunity thing, but he’s starting to grow on me. Hey, Bucky, you go easy on Tim White. He isn’t such a bad guy. He works hard, has a family.

You bastard, you got what you deserved for pushing around Timmy. How come I have a feeling that we haven’t heard the last from Bucky on the situation.

Angle comes walking up and seems a bit testy that everyone is paying attention to Triple Haitch and not him. He gets ornery, and teases to an announcement. You think Angle may be throwing his hat into the ring for the Royal Rumble? NAH!!!

Trish is in New York showing off her – um – assets. And, Terri decides to join her. They tease to a match – then they look at each other like they are going to kiss – Oh, God, please kiss. Please touch each other. Please do naughty things to each other. Hey, I think they are!!! Challenge must be code word for sex!! They are going to have one of those rare lesbian matches!!! Aw, man, it’s a wet t-shirt contest – or in this case, a wet silicone contest. How come I think this is one of those matches that will take place in the garden and now in WWF New York?

Billy and Chuck vs. Bad Dye Job and Big Fat guy:

I think that these two have come roaring out of the closet. Nice headbands. But, and that’s a huge but, I really want to begin liking Billy and Chuck as a tag team. They really have the potential to be a decent team. Kind of like the Brain Busters used to be. They’ll piss you off and keep winning. Billy just gave Palumbo a blow-job in the center of the ring, and Palumbo hops around like he’s enjoying it – a lot. Scotty got a haircut but the carpet still doesn’t match the drapes. However, Scotty is going bald…it may be time for some Rogaine there kid. Albert has to be heading backstage with his head down every night going "One year ago, I was the IC champ, but now, I’ve been reduced to doing the back-up worm for a dwarf."

These two need a better finisher than the Fame-asser or they will not make it to the big time.

The living legend is my hero. Oh no, he is not taking on Fatty. I refuse to watch Jericho get sucked into the crevice of Fatty tonight. I’m already sick thinking about it.

Okay, this is gay bashing at it’s best. Austin is just tearing up the poor defenseless Backstreet Boy. Its completely rude. (What?) I said it’s rude. (What?) He’s beating up a gay person. (What?) I said he’s picking on a gay person. (What?) It’s not right. (What?) He’s acting like a hard ass. (What?) He thinks he’s a man. (What) Okay, that’s enough. (What?) Shut up.

And we come back from commercial to see The King jerking off. Oh, wait, he’s not. He’s pulling the pump…you sick bastards…he’s pulling the pump on the super soaker!!! Jesus, you bastards need to get your minds out of the gutter!!!

Someone needs to tell Storm’s face that he’s having a good time. This should be good because both of these guys are great workers and know all the many different intricacies….what the hell? It’s over? I haven’t even begun dissecting it and sounding like a true writer. What the fuck is going on here? Is Edge injured or something? He’s been in the ring less time than I usually need to take a leak. Hey, Captain Schnozz is back and he’s beating up Edge. God, don’t hit him in the face, Edge. You may pop that damned thing right off his skull!!

Angle does bring happiness and joy to the world. HA! He makes fun of the beautiful day commercial. Thank god…I was so sick of listening to the damn thing and watching the many weeks announcing Triple Haitch’s return.

Man, Angle is a friggin’ riot tonight. Prediction….Angle vs. Triple H is upcoming pretty soon, cementing the face turn for Triple H.

Tractor is not to be confused with Keith "Tractor" Traylor….400 pound lineman for the Chicago Bears who intercepted a pass and returned it for 70 yards to the Jaguars 10 yesterday. Man, that was the funniest fucking football play I have ever seen. That fat piece of shit ran out of breath five yards after catching the ball and nearly coughed up his spleen by the time he hit the 50-yard line. I laughed my ass off.

But, back to the match…there’s the broken glass and the pre-main event is underway.

I cant even hear fucking JR and King again.

All four men outside… why have a ring? There doesn’t seem to be any need for it. They just beat the hell out of each other on the outside. Is Dwayne going to get into his corner tonight or is he just going to dance on the outside with whoever is out there.

(I want it well known that this has the potential to be the worst match of the night because Traylor sucks.) Dwayne still hasn’t gotten into his corner: what a selfish prick.

FOREIGN OBJECT!!! (That was my tribute to David Arquette.) I smell a people’s elbow getting blocked here in a second. YES!!! Austin looks hot. (I caught those two "What?"’s from Austin to Hebner, so don’t think I didn’t.) What the hell was that? Traylor just laid Dwayne onto the top rope in the corner and looked like he gave him the hand job from death? What the hell was that?

Hey, Hebner, get Traylor back into his corner. He can’t stand there!!! HE’S CHEATING!!! He’s a cheater!!! Hebner’s on the take! Hebner’s on the take!!!

Hot tag to Austin…and Traylor just was part of a big fat backdrop that went no where. It looked like Austin just dropped a 300-potato sack into his trunk. Man, learn to how to fly like Jeff Hardy, you fat fuck!! Nightstick in the ring….stunner in the ring…beer in the ring. Match. Share an alcoholic by-product and celebrate with the world. The hero’s win and the Game is almost on.

In front of the mirror. What a goof – he’s playing this up great.

Nope. I absolutely refuse to watch this. You guys are on your own…and I don’t care if the Game is coming back. I’m changing this god-damn channel. Forget it…I’m not dealing with this shit tonight. I refuse to watch anything crawl up Fatty’s ass as long as the Game is returning. I don’t care if it’s a non-title, for the world title or for the dictatorship of the WWF. I’m not staring at this homophobe shit tonight. And, I think Jericho should agree with me…he should just walk out of the ring and refuse to show up. What else is on? Baltimore is beating Minnesota 6-3. Can you believe that Tony Siragusa is retiring. If Baltimore loses, it’s his last game of his career tonight. I should watch this. Nope – forget it. I refuse to turn back. Let that Theodore guy cover this shit because I refuse to watch it. Okay, I’ll check real quick and see if it’s safe to return? AHHH!!! I TURNED BACK AT THE WRONG TIME!! Nick Patrick’s head is now lodged in Fatty’s colon. HE SHOULD BE REMOVED FROM THE FEDERATION.

And Angle walks in and bitches because everyone is ignoring him. Tajiri with the Japanese Ricky Martin impersonation. Fantastic.

I don’t understand what he just said, but it was pretty bad. Wait, he got him on top of the head, how he hell did he get cut under his eye.

I smell a fight brewing…you think? I also smell a title change.

Hello Lillian…have I mentioned how hot she’s looking tonight? Digging the leather honey.

By the way, this is hard core rules, which means anything goes. And it better. A small ECW chant breaks out and the east coast legendary wrestling promotion lives on. Oh I totally smell a title change. You have to give the two underdogs the win in the home of ECW. HA!! Bubba just saturated Spike with the fire extinguisher. They call for the tables – psyche!!! Well, not really, they get the tables anyway, but they don’t let you ask for them. Attention, Attention. Stacey defiling in five….four….three….two…..one…. She defiles herself? That sucks. Buh-Buh sneaking a peek, and the Tazz attack doesn’t break the table. So, here comes the Dog and boom. Hand the titles over to Tazz and Spike!! You knew it was going to happen. However, we all know it won’t last forever. But, for two beautiful days – the thug from the mean streets is the WWF champion.

Trish is getting dressed – but I can’t figure out why.

Underbiker hates the world and tells us why Triple Haitch should watch his ass. He also informs us that he controls the yard. Where is this damn yard he keeps talking about anyway?

I have a feeling this won’t get very far before Jazz appears. Have I ever mentioned how hot Terri really is. She’s fake as all hell, but she is smokin’ none the less. Hey, why are they wearing pink? This is fucking stupid. It’s supposed to be white so we can see through it. Wow, Terri goes first and…never mind what I said about the pink. It really doesn’t matter. I’ve got hit the washroom for about 30 seconds if you’ll all excuse me for a second. And as Trish slowly slides out of her coat….Damn!!! I knew this would happen. The attack of the Big Bitch. King just got one in the ass and looks to be breaking off a foot in the Big Bitch’s ass. She scatters, but not before I get the opportunity to see how ugly she really is. Ewwww….

He’s back!!!!

Okay, I know you all came here for this. You wanted to know what would Lee say about what is happening on television. But I’ll be the first to tell you that I am as big a mark as you are right now. This somnabitch went through something that I could never fathom….and he finished the match. That’s why he is one of the best in the sport today. You still can’t hear a damn word that JR and King are saying – but that’s okay. He made it. Now let’s see the storyline.

Quick predictions: Angle comes out. Steph comes out before this is over. No Nash.

Haitch announces he’s entering the rumble and just like that, Angle appears.

Angle looks like he’s going to cry. He must be happy to have Triple Haitch back. And he has a major announcement – he, too, is entering the Rumble because he wants to fight right along Haitch’s side in honor of everything he went through to get back to the big dance….And Haitch just kicks the hell out of Angle. I can’t believe they made Haitch work on his first night back. Remember when Rock came back and nothing happened? That’s why Haitch is the game. He is the game because he will work on his first night back. Oh, and for those of you scoring at home - he’s a face now. Oh well, no Steph. Jesus – he looks bigger than he did before. That is one big piece of beef. But, I could take him.

Overall:

You know, it wasn’t too bad. No major disappointments, and Haitch’s return is cool for me. I’ll toss out another 7 – what the hell.

Number of "What’s": 121 by the crowd, 9 by Stone Cold, 1 by Lawler.

Number of "Woo’s": 7 by the crowd

Number of Points-To-Self: 2 by The Dude.

Number of Max Payne Commercials: Two – only.

Number of Thongs: One, by Terri .

Number of times Stacy Keibler was defiled in some way: Once: by her own doing.

Number of heads up Rikishi’s ass: One – Nick Patrick.

Hottest Chick: Terri – but still – as always - the girl in the confession room.

Number of predictions I got right: 4 out of 5. It could be 5 out of 5, but I won’t know until Monday whether or not someone asked me for the damn link again.

Have a good week and see you next Monday.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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