by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Just a quick note: The Sack O’ Mail is full again, which means this week I’ll be turning those things into another lovely article for you all. So, those of you missing the SD! Edition of S-CJ could be tied over a little bit – or not.

But first:

From the Bag O’ Hate:

From Nic -

Ahem,

You asshole, why arent’ you doing Thursday’s anymore!!! You suck!

Word,

Dear Nic -

NOW, I feel better. Thanks, bruh!!

From the Bag O’ Love:

From Rickshaw -

Lee, I gotta agree with you that HHH is HHHuge, but I think he could whip your ass royally. I mean, you do a measly wrestling column, and he just got huge over the last 8 months, lifting more weight than you could imagine handling. Know your role, and realize you're not ready to "push play to resume THE GAME". You're not THAT DAMN GOOD.

On the other hand, You do a pretty good job of predicting defilement of Stacey Keibler, but hey, every episode needs a little of that to spice it up, especially if its after a stupid Billy and Chuck, the Ambiguously Gay Tag Team match. Is it me, or does the heat die as soon as you hear "Tha One"s theme music? And having S2H and Alberto come out and do their gay tag team crap right along with them doesn't bring much to the show. They must be fighting for the Gay Tag Team Championship lately. (Soon Lenny and Lodi will jump ship to add to this new tag team division, credit: 1bullshit.com) To really make the homos happy, the WWF could have Bradshaw as special ref in one of those matches. It would be such an Equal Opportunity moment for the WWF. Just as long as we don't see backstage hazing of the losers of that match....Man, that shit just smells of Russo being hired secretly again. He's probably writing scripts and sending them in by email from his video store in Atlanta.
He probably wants to avoid the hazing by Bradshaw.

Yea, but…um..yea…um…wait – LOW DOWN!!! LET ME ANSWER!!!! – What about….Aw, screw it!!!

From The Bag O’ AA:

From Bart –

Please tell me that you were kidding when you said “Rick leaves OO Central right after SD! and heads off to some lame bar in Dayton with his one friend to drink pounds of Pabst Blue Ribbon.”

Dear Bart –

I wish I could tell you that I was making the whole thing up, but unfortunately I can’t. See, Bart, since leaving the womb and entering our cruel world, Rick Scaia has had nothing more than a diet of Twinkies and Pabst Blue Ribbon. And, because of his obsession with said pastry treat and beverage, his friends have dwindled away to nothing. Now, all Scaia has is that one friend– Milt – this place that he affectionately calls OO, his beloved Dayton Fliers, and the true love of his life…Pabst Blue Ribbon (on sale at your local grocery store for $2.99 a 30-pack.) Yes, Rick’s story is a sad and twisted tale of cheap beer and creamed-filling goodness, but it’s also a funny one nonetheless. Let’s just hope that he pulls himself together, checks himself into a counseling center somewhere and – God willing – meets a girl. Now, join me in prayer… 

Dear Rick,

All our hearts are with you, little bucky!!! Go get em!!!

Love, your faithful OO followers.

Five Pre-SD! Predictions:

1: Hulk Hogan will not appear on Raw tonight!!! (I read Rick’s report too!!!)

2: There will be a cheap ass ending to the show that will remind us that the Royal Rumble is this weekend. (For example…someone will be in the ring, one guy gets tossed out, then another guy appears, he gets tossed out, so another guy shows up…kind of like what happened on SD!)

3: I will not be able to understand King and JR because the morons in the WWF truck have NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE DOING!!!!

4: Stacy Kiebler will be defiled yet again.

5: I will get one more e-mail this week again asking me to post a link to the Kat’s naughty picture. (UPDATE: I received 10 – count em - 10 letters asking me for the link to the Kat’s naughtiness this week. So – again - I went 5 for 5 last week!!!)

Quarter hour 1:

Hey look, the GaHHHme is back. When the hell did that happen? And why the hell didn’t the fed really play that up? It seems like that might be something they would want to promote.

Look, it’s Austin and Angle, then Kane, then Speedy, then the GaHHHme, then the Underbiker then the stare off. When the hell did this happen? Oh yea, I don’t do Thursdays anymore. Why isn’t the Underbiker happy that the GaHHHme is back?

Pyro is Raw - and prediction number three just came true. JR is screaming his head off and I can’t hear a friggin’ word he’s saying. And, for those of you that doubt this every Monday, I can tell you it’s not my TV with the surround system because I’m on the cheap television in my bedroom tonight, and it doesn’t have surround sound. It’s the WWF…someone has no idea what sound levels are.

Flair in the ring:

Oh Jesus, without Arn I can’t understand a word Flair’s saying. I think he just mentioned Kerry Von Erich and how they used to sit around and play games. Now, he just said shit….oops, wait, he said sit. My bad. Then he called Vinnie “the late Vince McMahon.” When the hell did Vinnie die? And why didn’t Scaia report it today? When the hell did this happen? Holy shit, this is big news….oh, Flair meant “great Vince McMahon.” Jesus, Ric. Go in the back and get Arn because you are really screwing this up.

Flair begins to ramble after the replays and I have no clue what it’s about now. But, he apparently is mad at the microphone. He mentions a street fight, which makes me believe that him and the microphone are going to go at it tonight. I think he’s calling out McMahon, nope, I guest “thonigtht” means Y2J because here he comes.

Your Champion comes out wearing some of the ugliest pants I have ever seen in my life – but that is so perfect for his character. God, Jericho just gets better every damn week. If Jericho makes fun of Flair’s speech impediment, I’m going to roll off this bed laughing.

Okay, the “What” chant is going to get out of hand tonight. The crowd is saying it a lot already, which means everyone is going to get bombarded by “What”’s. Yep, I was right. I’m already up to 10 What’s and – because of it – I’m striking removing the What’s from my counting list already. It’s just not worth it anymore. The phrase has gotten out of hand. It was cute when it first started, but people have to ruin it. Sorry.

Nothing pisses off the crowd like ripping on the home team – or the home people – way to go Chris.

Quarter hour 2:

Continued:

We are now entering the 15^th minute and still counting. Flair apparently loves George W because he lays out Jericho and the fight begins. Flair with a double-ball shot and a right hand leads to Flair’s signature figure four. It also prompts Vinnie to come out with the lead pipe…but this time, Flair doesn’t blade. I smell The Dwayne waiting in the gorilla position to come out. Could I get lucky and see a Rock and Flair vs. Jericho and Vinnie match on Raw tonight? That would be cool. Another gang up and the Dwayne chant starts.

What? No Dwayne? What the hell are they doing missing an easy opportunity for a crowd pop. This segment lasted 22 minutes and no pay off except for an owwie for Flair? That’s not much of a payoff in my book. Seems we may be in for a long night.

Mr. Happy, Christian and Your Champion:

Welcome to the Jericho show. And we must be in Texas because the Mad Hazer is here. And he apparently has a match against all three, if he can find himself some friends.

In the garage:

McMahon high-tails it out of Texas, which is no easy trick. I’ve driven through Texas and let me tell you, that was the longest day of my life. The road just keeps going and going and going and going…..

Bubba with Devon and Defiler Dudley vs. Spike with Tazz:

Little Spike is going to get kicked around in this match, but he will somehow come back to win. Bubba, never climb the ropes, it never works for you. Man, the smoke still hasn’t dispersed leaving me to wonder about ventilation systems in Dallas being screwed up. Stacy’s defiling is imminent!!! Five….four…three…two….one…um….a-half….a quarter….an eighth….HEY!!! Nothing happened to Stacy!!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!! When the fuck did someone decide that Stacy shouldn’t show tail?  WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TOO!!! How the hell can you walk her out to ringside and not defile her. I don’t even give a crap who won. All I know is that I completely got screwed out of a prediction I make every week. They did that just in spite of me.

The GaHHHme and Steph:

The look on the GaHHHme’s face shows me that all isn’t rosy in Helmsley-land. I see the divorce storyline may be on the horizon. And - my God - her breasteses are just friggin’ gigantic. She’s going to have back problems in a couple of years.

Quarter hour 3:

Queer as Folk vs. Hurricane and Tajiri w/ Molly and the hottest chick in the fed:

Attention: I’m looking for a good nickname for Billy and Chuck so I’m going to try a bunch out and see if any stick. If you know a good one, click my name at the bottom of the page and send it to me.

There is no way that Billy could have possible had a date with a chick. Maybe they were two guys in drag, but they weren’t chicks. And, Billy, it’s clear you cancelled because you had something better to do – like Chuck for instance!! Heh, the Hurricane with a cheap gay joke…that was good.

God, Torrie is so hot and I’m totally digging the little tube top thing tonight.

Nothing spectacular here except that the Gay Pride Connection takes the win, and I still haven’t come up with a decent nickname for them yet. Shit, maybe next Monday.

Underbiker appears in the garage:

You know, I could never understand why the hell these guys can’t get to the friggin’ arena on time. Someone is always late. The GaHHHme just got there, Underbiker shows up late. Hell, The Dwayne isn’t even here yet. For the amount of money those damn wrestlers are making, you figure they could buy a watch that would inform them when to be at the arena.

At WWF New York:

Hey, Scotty and Albert are there and will be in the Rumble Sunday. NOW I GOTTA WATCH!!

Angle interview with Cole:

See, if you guys want to say What a hundred times, now is the time to do it because Angle is great with it. Even though I’m not counting the damn things anymore, it’s funny when Angle screws with the crowd. HA!!! He called them idiots when he walked away. Beautiful….

Steph with Miss Texas:

I bet you didn’t know that Austin’s wife was the former Miss Texas when she was married to Chicago Bear great Mongo McMichael. Yea, I know he had a wrestling career that sucked!! GO BEARS…bastards.

Ah, shit. My husband can beat up your husband. My grandma can beat up your grandma. Great, these two are going to bitch at each other like two little friggin’…Whoa! Debra jacked Steph hard! HOLY SHIT, she hit back just as hard!!! That was fucking great. Now I am excited about it. They both have giant red marks on their face. The two of them should find Ray Tractor Traylor and teach him how to throw a right.

Quarter hour 4:

Replay of big-breasted cat fight in the back:

God, they really did smack each other around, didn’t they? That was the best smack of the night so far.

Trish comes out to sit at ringside…I guess that means.

Jackie vs. Jazz:

The battle of ugly takes place in the heart of Texas. Hey, they changed Jazz’s theme music. Thank god. That last thing made her sound like an idiot. Hey, someone turned up the sound in the truck because I can finally hear the King and JR.

Trish talks about how she is going to win despite the overwhelming odds, but because there is no script in front of her, she fumbles over words and makes no sense whatsoever. She was a better heel. And Jazz takes the win and decides to get her some of the reigning champ. Trish is willingly held back by the King, rendering this segment completely pointless.

Quarter hour 5:

Angle vs. Kane:

Angle comes out still bitching about the crowd, and Lilian looks hot as hell. You know, she makes snakeskin look wonderful. The crowd hits Angle with the What chant while he’s dancing around, prompting Kane’s fire of death to consume the arena. I don’t get it. If Kane can make the stage catch fire, and he can make the corners catch fire…hell, I’ve even seen him HURL a fireball at the Undertaker once… why doesn’t he just consume Angle in the fire from Hades instead of wrestling him? Seems like it would take less time and he might actually be able to hold a title for more than one day. 

Oops, Kane forgot to tie his shoes tightly – TIME OUT!!! TIME OUT!!!

Angle’s getting beat up through the whole match because Kane is not from this world and doesn’t feel pain. You know, I am truly amazed at how Angle can always fall on his back correctly. I really think he is the best in the fed at this. The big Kane clothesline summons the choke slam, however, it doesn’t work because Angle counters with Angle lock – but Kane gets to the rope – TWICE!!!

I don’t think I’ve ever heard a crowd chant Kane before. Angle tries the spit of death, but it misses and catches to the side of his face, making a disgusting dingleberry float near his lip. This should be reshown again and again by every wrestler in the WWF. Whoever wrestles Angle next should just replay this damn thing over and over.

Kane kicks out of the Olympic slam? This actually is turning into a great match. Kane has the ankle lock and Angles tapping like a mad man, but of course the ref is dead until….there it is, Right when Angle snags a rollup to win. Cheap win for angle, but well worth it. Great match.

The highlight for me? The crowd chants you suck on cue with Angle’s music. Classic.

The GaHHHme and Steph:

The GaHHHme looks like every married man in the world – defeated and lacking in patience. The GaHHme announces he will run through Austin to get to the top and conveys that he is sick of her voice. I don’t blame him, really, it’s like nails on a chalkboard!

Tony Dorsett in the house!!

APA in the office:

Oh, shit, my phone is ringing…and it’s the girlfriend. Pause….AH!! It’s live and I don’t have Tivo!!! Uh oh – I’ll try to do both.

APA is going to recruit the Big Show? Something about Little T coming in the backdoor. I’m sure T is used to going through the back door, if you know what I mean.(Cheap joke #1). Uh oh, T and Show don’t look real happy about being together. Perhaps this is something that can be rectified in the ring? I think so. 

Edge and The Dude vs. Chicki-monkey and Bucky:

Damn, they hide those brass knucks everywhere now. Oh, shit, because of the phone, I missed the Dude’s entrance. Did he point to himself? Fuck, I’m going to get it wrong and then every bastard in OO land is going to send me an e-mail telling me I was wrong and I’ll look like an idiot.

Test is just kicking around The Dude, but that’s okay because the Dude abides. This match is real slow so far. For a couple of guys who can really go, they should turn up the juice - there we go. A couple of finishers and some out of control action ends with the knucks being involved. Kind of a slow beginning tat turned into something cool. And. To top it all off, Chicki-monkey seems exceptionally happy about winning and extremely snobbish. But, of course, he’s British.

Quarter hour 7:

Your Champion, Christian and Mr. Happy:

Jericho realizes that The Orifice may be the third partner, and Jericho looks like I do every-damn-time they announce that Rikishi is wrestling.

Little T vs. Speedy:

Yes, Speedy is new….and the reason is because he can’t be called the Big Slow after outrunning the Underbiker’s motorcycle.

Okay, the Dwayne has not made an appearance yet. I have a feeling that he is off filming or something. I thought that whole Scorpion King reshoot thing wasn’t supposed to interfere with television? How can you not have Dwayne here 6 days before a major PPV. That’s just stupid.

Speedy is really impressing me tonight. He still looks like he’s getting tired easy, but he’s adding offense, which was needed. And, of course, the minute I open my mouth giving him some credit, he screws up and doesn’t sell a kick to the head. And now, because of it, he looses.

Austin’s door:

Hmmm. I’m sure there’s a reason why they showed that, yet I don’t know why.

Austin:

I guess he wasn’t behind the door. And he’s got a little mark above his eye. He tells us his drink order, and ends with the fact that he will beat the GaHHHme at the Royal Rumble. Wait, is that a cut or a zit above his eye? Austin announces his brilliant strategy is to be fat.

Life is so much easier when you don’t have to count the “What”’s anymore. By the way, that’s a zit…or a real nasty looking boil.

Ewww….They’re gonna kiss. If Cole removes that phallic symbol of a microphone between them, Austin would plant one right on him. Austin’s got a thing for Backstreet Boys, I reckon.

Quarter hour 8:

Guess what? Kid Rock is cocky.

Replay of Flair’s beating where the Dwayne didn’t show up:

Because the Dwayne’s other career will not interfere with his television time.

Your Champion, Christian and Mr. Happy vs. The Mad Hazer, Farooq and the Orifice:

Oh God, thanks to Christian for stopping the anal raping before it’s too soon. Okay, this is moving fast. I like the three heels involved and I like the APA, but the Orifice just freaks me out. Speed, action, agility, it’s pretty good. And Jericho sneaks a win off of Bradshaw in his home state? Wow, maybe Bradshaw isn’t a hazer.

The GaHHHme and Steph:

GaHHHme decides to head to the ring alone to take care of Austin, to the chagrin of Steph. I can’t believe she doesn’t smell the troubled waters on the horizon like we do.

The GaHHHme in the ring:

For a little bit there, I thought I wasn’t going to get the cheesy Royal Rumble ending. But, it seems I was wrong. My guess is that no less than 10 people will hit the ring before this whole ending is over.

Overrun:

That return of the GaHHHme was incredible to see. Jesus…stop with the “what”’s already. You’re killing a phenomenal interview. Let the man speak. See, this is what is pissing me off about that word. You guys kill it and ruin things like this. It’s funny when it’s done with Angle, it’s funny when it’s done with Austin, but it’s stupid when the GaHHme, who hasn’t responded to it once, is besieged by it. Let him talk.

He is that damn good, and break the glass. It seems we may see a little ass whooping coming on. The GaHHHme cuts Austin off before heading to the third turnbuckle. That was pretty good. They stare, they fight, and Underbiker shows up with a chair to ruing the party. Only three guys came out? I expected more, but my prediction wasn’t officially wrong because it was still a cheesy ending for the Rumble.

Overall:

No explanation for this is needed…a four.

Pointless Facts of Trivia:

Number of “What’s”: Not until you guys know when to start controlling your use of “What’s.

Number of “Woo’s”: 9 by the crowd, 9 by Flair and one by Lawler.

Number of Points-To-Self: I don’t know – Lee says with pride. 

Number of Thongs: None – the bastards.

Number of times Stacy Kiebler was defiled in some way: None – you BASTARDS!!! I’M A MAN! QUIT TAKING THIS STUFF AWAY FROM ME!!!

Number of heads up Rikishi’s ass: None…this I’m thankful for.

Hottest Chick: Torrie Wilson – but still – as always - the girl in the confession room.

Number of predictions I got right: 3 out of 5. It could be 4 out of 5, but I won’t know until Monday whether or not someone asked me for the damn link again.

Have a good week and see you next Monday.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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