by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

I just wanted to let everyone know that a work conflict last week caused me missing a week. This may happen from time to time, but rest assured, I will be back the second I get a chance.

But, lets get past all of that and get started. But, as always:

From the Bag O’ Hate – er - Bag O’ Hate Hot Getting Brew:

From Dogg -

Dear Dogg –

I have sent your request for cheap alcoholic beverages to the people who brew Pabst Blue Ribbon and you’ll be pleased to know that twice a week, four midgets will be coming to your house to piss in a six pack of cans for you. (It tastes about the same as Pabst.)

I do what I can…no thank you’s needed.

By the looks of Raw, BillyGoat and UpChuck defended their Homo(sapien) Tag Team Championship once again. I like the Gay Pride Connection name for this retarded Russofied combination, but that doesn't mean I have to like the team. But, I do like bashing them, because bashing gays is fun, especially when you get to make fun of Billy Gunn at the same time.
Say, what's with the Team Canada 2 bit going on with Christian, Test, Lance Storm, and Jericho? They need a good Canadian mouthpiece (read: Bret Hart). Just kidding. Hell would get even colder if that happened, considering all the "Band" music that's being played by the chorus of dirt sheet writers.
I'm waiting for Hogan, Nash, and Hall to return just as much as I look forward to seeing another Gay Pride Connection vs. S2H & Alberto match. The WWF does NOT need another NWO/Kliq/DX whatever angle. I just know they'll fuck up this split somehow.
BTW, Torrie is the hottest thing right next to the confessional woman. I must agree with you there.
I leave you with this:
Over on PWTorch.com, there was a very Obscure Wrestling Reference, where on the American Music Awards show, Reba freakin' McEntire thanked Jamie Kellner in her acceptance speech. Kellner gave WCW the ax over at AOL/TW. This guy wrote that he yelled at his TV over this once he heard Kellner's name. WTF??? Yeah, that's a BIG wrestling reference there, Wade Keller.
Thanks for not filling up your SCJ reviews with this idiotic shit.

Yea, but…um..yea…um…wait – DAMN IT!! YOU’RE DOING IT TO ME AGAIN!!!! SLOW DOWN!!!! – What about….Wade Keller!!! He’s a legend!!!!

From Edward –

Dear Ed –

Why, sure.

Everyone – wrestle for real at the COWO located at:

http://cowo2001.tripod.com/index.html

1: Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall will not appear on Raw tonight!!!

2: Steph and The GaHHHme will get into another marital squabble.

3: I will not be able to understand King and JR because the morons in the WWF truck have NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE DOING!!!!

4: Stacy Kiebler will be defiled yet again.

5: I will empty out the sack on Thursday for those people who have been waiting for two weeks to see their mail in print on the net!!!

Quarter hour one:

Oh, this is going to be a goodin’. I’ve been looking forward to Raw this week since missing it last week…Wait a sec. What the hell is going on? It seems TNN is having some technical difficulties and there is no picture on my 50-inch television. Oh well, I guess I’m writing this from my bedroom tonight. Time to switch TV’s. TNN isn’t working here either. What the hell? What the fuck is going on???? I need my Raw dammit!! Shit…called Bart, Steve and Jay and all of their televisions aren’t picking up TNN either, but Tim just called and told me his is working on his satellite – but because I’m not rich, I don’t have a satellite for channels that I can get through cable TV. So, I guess I won’t be getting a picture for this. Fuckin’ TNN!!! How friggin’ stupid is this. DAMN YOU TNN!!! DAMN YOU AT&T BROADBAND (My cable company)!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL THE TWO OF YOU TO HELL!!!

Well, welcome to the sound only version of Raw – I guess. Vinnie’s voice tells me about the NOW…what the FUCK!!! For some reason, my friggin’ computer wont let me spell the New World Order initials. It keeps coming out as NOW!!! NOW like the NOW – ALLL FUCK TO HELL!!! DOES ANYTHING FUCKING WORK TONIGHT!! I CAN’T HEAR ROSS!!!! I CANT HEAR LAWLER!!! I CAN’T SPELL NOW AND I HAVE NO FRIGGIN PICTURE ON MY TELEVISION!!! THIS IS THE APOCOLYPSE!!!! I MISS ONE FRIGGIN’ WEEK AND GOD HAS FORSAKEN ME!!!

Kane is either speaking or he’s coming out to wrestle. God I hope he speaks because I cant see a friggin’ thing. FIX THE FUCKING CABLE PICTURE DAMMIT!!!! Wait, here comes Speedy….and I guess they are fighting. Wait, the picture is starting to come back…it now looks like I’m watching black and white television…or black and black television. And as soon as I finish writing this sentence, it goes out again! FUCK!!!!

I would like to take the time to say how great an announcer Ross is.

Someone tell me what’s happening…I think Speedy was bodyslammed. Someone got the choke slam…and Kane kicked out. DON’T FUCKING BLEEP IT, YOU TNN CENSORSHIP BASTARDS!!! I CAN’T SEE THE PICTURE BECAUSE YOU GUYS SUCK, SO I NEED TO BE ABLE TO HEAR YOU!!!!

Kane’s music turns on, so I guess he wins, though I didn’t see it.

At least I think that’s Flair. I know a guy is mumbling something in a somewhat deep voice presumably over a cell phone or something. And, now the person is slurring so I know it’s him. You ever notice that Flair sounds like a 50-year-old punch-drunk fighter who’s been on a 10-year bender? And, here comes Farooq with the Mad Hazer bitching about the NOW…DAMMIT…NEW WORLD ORDER!!!!! I am not typing out the whole name…it’ll just piss me off. AND I STILL CAN’T SEE A DAMN THING!!! Bradshaw calls Nash and Hall a lot of mean names to show he’s pissed off and vows to not let them into the WWF. Maybe Bradshaw’s just upset that he won’t be the top hazer in the company now?

It’s been 7 minutes and still no picture at all.

Raw is coming to Chicago…and I won’t be attending unless one of my faithful readers in Chicago sends me tickets – so – SEND ME TICKETS!!!!

This sounds like Golddust’s music….and he of course, will be looking to touch the Rock’s bottom. That’s who Goldy keeps talking about…. and you know it. This should be a good war between the two. Rock has never dealt with a freak like Golddust. It should be pretty entertaining.

JR and King wonder who Golddust is talking (maybe they should read this column, eh?) then they tell me how Maven is going to get a shot at Jericho…because – of course – he deserves it. After all, Maven is Tough Enough. Even though the rookie hasn’t won a damn thing in the fed, he should get that all important number one contender position. Why does Austin have to fight for it tonight, but Maven gets a shot just because he won some stupid competition? I would give Maven the benefit of the doubt and say "Well, let’s wait and see what happens and maybe the storyline will play it’s self out." BUT I CAN’T SEE THE FRIGGIN’ PICTURE TO WAIT AND LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENS!!! FUCK YOU AT&T AND TNN!!!

Ah, now it all makes sense. Jericho gave Maven the shot. He is a fighting champ…and the undisputed champion. That’s hysterical.

Oh, don’t start the "What" bullshit. Enough of that saying all the time - AND TURN ON THE FUCKING PICTURE YOU ASSHOLES!!!!

I would say that Rollerball looks stupid – BUT I CAN’T SEE IF IT DOES OR NOT!!! Hey - you people reading this - don’t get all shitty with me about checking to see if it’s my television or not. I told you earlier that I checked the other televisions in the house and called my friends to see if they were having the same trouble. It’s in the area I live or it’s TNN. Everyone is out except for the guy with the satellite dish so quit being an asshole to me!!

NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW FUCK!!!!!!!Fucking Word Perfect – FUCKING BILL GATES!! THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT!!! The picture is screwed up….the machine won’t let me type in N….W….O….FUCK!!!! …..NOW NOW NOW NOW FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

Did he just point to himself? I’m counting it. Wait, was that Lilian? THIS SUCKS!!!!!! Here comes Regal…search him for the knucks!!! God Damn it….I cant see anything. What the hell is going on? NOW MY PHONE RANG ONCE AND HUNG UP BY ITSELF!!! THE WORLD IS FUCKING FALLING APART AROUND ME!!!! What happened? What’d I miss? (Duh, the whole first quarter of Raw.) Regal hit the official!!! Now he’s bitching or something. Why is everyone cheering? Why are the Duds getting involved? Is Stacy with them? Who’s cheering? Was Stacy Defiled? Is she even there!!!! GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!

I think Edge and RVD got laid out. Regal's music plays. What happened to the Duds? That’s it. I gotta read CRZ tomorrow now!!! (Not that it’s a bad thing.)

What the fuck? Now TNN cuts out the last second or two of Raw to show a Raw commercial for tonight? What the fuck is going on? I’m in fucking Bizarro World!!!

I feel like I’m back in the 70s with a set of rabbit ears on my television.

You know, Steph is totally different now that I can’t see the size of her breasts. She really has an annoying voice. And Ric slurs something about Vince booking the match between the GaHHHme and Booker T. Steph announces she is a fast learner. I think she meant in the sack, but I need body language to determine if that was the effect she was going for.

J.R. announces that next Monday, Raw is in Nevada, which reminds me:

From Zach -

Dear Zach –

If you pull that off, you will not only receive a one of a kind S-CJ T-shirt made especially for you, but you will also be my very best friend. As for a slogan, well, something like, "Lee is a Squared Circle Jerk" or plug Online Onslaught or my personal fav "Scaia loves Pabst Blue!" will suffice. Just so I know it’s you.

Back to the match:

Godfather has announced that DDP has used his escort service. And DDP admitted it? What the fuck was he doing that for…he’s got Northwestern Graduate and former journalist Kimberly back home looking WAY TOO FUCKING HOT!!! She is so hot that I would sell my left leg for one night with her.

Okay, I guess the fighting started, and some one is winning and losing. But I still can’t see a thing. But, I’m coming to terms with it. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m living in Bizarro World right now, and that this is just going to be a screwed up column. No need to be upset. It’s like listening to a football game on the radio. You hear the grunts and the pounding, and the announcers – sort of. I’m just going to have to visualize what’s happening in my head.

I see…me, with Kimberly on a beach. She is sweating profusely and rubbing oil all over her. I also see me with out my left leg because I had to sell it to be with her.

Now I see the girl from the confession booth coming in and rubbing down Kimberly with the oil. This is the best match ever!!!

Wait, Diamond Cutter and Page takes home the win. And, I’m done with my visualization….if you know what I mean.

Vinnie arrives with visions of NOW in his head. The driver cries to Vinnie and Vinnie doesn’t fire him. And because of it, everyone is worried that Vinnie is a madman. And then Kimberly came in with the Confessional Room girl and they are jumping on trampolines. This is slowly turning into the best Raw ever – in my mind.

We could see the beginning of the NOW now. Flair comes out to slur.

Hey. Great it’s even more screwed up. What the fuck is Fox Sports doing on this channel now? And now static….DAMMIT – NOW I DON’T EVEN GET SOUND!!! Wait!!! ITS BACK ON !!!!! I can see!! I have left Bizarro World!!! The world is back to normal. Thank you AT&T!!!! Thank YOU TNN!!! I love you all.

Okay, Flair talks about history and begs not to bring back the NOW. Then, a video is shown, promoting:

Video about history of wrestling and Kid Rock. Whoa..they’re showing the New World Order stuff from the WCW – there’s Bischoff. And the Montreal screw job. There’s Sable. Wow, they aren’t holding anything back here. Bret Hart shown numerous times – even Vinnie getting spit on. Cool video for a smark like me.

It could have used some better music though. I like Kid Rock, but the new album is crap.

So, Ric, you going to call out Vinnie or what? There it is, and Vinnie’s music spells the swagger of Vince. You know what’s funny about Vince. He walks with his feet in front of his legs. He snaps his feet around whenever he walks. So, he leans back and swaggers. It’s hysterical. Flair pleads for Vinnie to make the NOW go away. And you know Flair is telling the truth when he uses the word "theriouth." Ric is really pleading….and now he’s stripping. Vinnie grabs the mic to speak with authority. He wants his stock back. Ric ain’t selling and instead, the NOW is back. Vinnie really plays a mad man pretty well. Well, he got one thing right, the NOW could mean the end of the fed…look what it did for WCW.

Maven and Jericho next…making me ask WHY???

You know, after seeing the commercial for Rollerball, I want it well known that Curling is the fucking stupidest sport in the world. And, knowing that anyone can win an Olympic gold medal for flicking a round concrete object on some is just makes it more appalling. Nothing against my Canadian fans out there, but your country introduced it to the Olympics. You should be ashamed.

Sorry, honey, but the blond should have won the damn contest. She was hotter, ripped off a better promo and was a better wrestler.

Watch. Some disgusting upset is going to happen and it will really piss me off. In fact, I’m changing one of my predictions.

Watch. I swear to God, I’m picking a total upset here. Maven is going to win this thing. Despite JR telling me there is a chance he’ll win….to mess with my head, it’s not going to work. If they give it to him, I’m going to be sick. Ugh…he needs to head back to Memphis and learn how to sell.

Thank God they didn’t give it to him. I would have really cried. But, just when you thought it was over, here comes the Underbiker to beat the hell out of Maven some more. And Jericho laughs his ass off at the sight of it. Underbiker teaches some tough love with the chair into the throat move and Maven is dead. However, Lillian is looking very hot tonight. Hi, Lillian…

Underbiker with a simple dentistry question, with a simple answer from Coach. Then, Underbiker wastes our time and valuable viewing minutes by talking about Maven. He explains that he’s upset that Capt. Tough Enough eliminated him from the Rumble without ever mentioning that his bad back was the real reason he left early. Apparently, the Underbiker is also upset with the Dwayne. Luckily, the Dwayne isn’t in the arena tonight. Well, that was boring and yet pointless at the same time.

Billy and Chuck are stretching in their own special way, but we didn’t know that behind closed doors, did we. No, we thought they were plugging each other. New nickname tryout coming up.

They seem to be in a bit of a tiff. And the GaHHHme announces that Vince is an asshole. And does this segment really matter. Steph wants to walk the hubby to the ring tonight, but the GaHHHme balks. She has an awful lot of makeup on tonight.

Trish = hand-job. Get it…broken hand, hand job….oh never mind.

I’m so glad the picture came on for this match. Man, Chuck and Bill are wearing more oil than I use in my car. Jesus, they’re friggin’ slippery. It makes me sick just looking at it. How about Ass-Chucker for a new nickname for them? Damn, I’m getting no where with these two. But I refuse to call them Billy and Chuck. That’s just stupid and gay – but, as we’ve seen, that’s the point. It ends when Trish wraps her legs around Chuck’s head, and he gets disgusted. Dude, I’d be in heaven.

According to the commercial, Starburst has a language all it’s own. It’s called Flair-eese.

Hey, Shrill died his hair again. He looks like a geek.

And here Angle plays "What" with the crowd. For a guy who hates the damn catchphrase, he sure stops at the right time.

Hey, I just realized..No Way Out….N….W….O…. hmmmm. Coincidence? I DON’T THIN’ SO!!!

The GaHHHme is friggin’ huge!! But, I could still take him. He’s nothing if you take out his knees. He’s got a weak spot right there. See, one kick to the knee and he’s down. He’s nothing. Little T looks scared.

You know, I’m glad the GaHHHme is back, but I’ll tell you, he’s not the same. He lost a step and is doing more power moves. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still one of the best, but he was so perfect before, it was scary. But now, he’s more methodical. Hart was about as good as you could get at being methodical, but it doesn’t work for me with the GaHHHme. Plus, he looks like he gets tired easier carrying around the extra muscle mass.

Christian comes out and takes on the GaHHHme as revenge for SD!! And now Steph costs him the match – who didn’t see that coming? The GaHHHme looks pissed…and may essssplode. Well, he picked up his first loss since returning. And JR said it just as I’m done writing it. Good to see I could be an announcer.

The GaHHHme hates her and she cries – annoyingly. In response, she gets her bag handed to her, and she screams at us with a shreeek so annoying that it can only remind me of nails on a chalkboard.

Oh God…I’m going to have to endure at least 100 "What’s" in the next 10 minutes. Jesus, can’t you people come up with something else? However, that you suck chant has spawned a new nickname and is a riot. I fully recommend the people in TV land continue that. It’s hysterical.

Hey, Earl Hebner in front of his hometown is having a great match tonight. Congrats Earl.

Ooops….I spoke too soon. Angle was still pinned on the three count, but Earl stopped it because it’s not time for the match to end. So far, it’s a pretty decent match. A lot of decent moves, and quick covers…and SCSA hits Angle with about 10 slaps from hell. Did Austin just kiss Angle? I hope Debra doesn’t get mad.

I wonder if Angle is having hearing problems because he keeps missing the kickout by a second. Or maybe, Hebner’s on the take!! CHEATER HEBNER!!! YOU SOLD OUT!!!!

Ewww….a dreaded dick-kick and Austin is having problems. A chair is a bad idea here Kurt…that would mean that two heels would meet at No Way Out, and we can’t have that. Angle begging for the chair, going for a stunner and Hebner’s in the way. Nine chairshots later from Angle to Austin means that Austin should kick out. It makes logical sense. Angle lock…angle slam and foot on the ropes.

Wait for it – there it is…..Stunner means that Austin will face Y2J. It’s time to chug a beer and go home happy. Woooo!!!! No wait, another Stunner for Jericho, chug another beer and now go home happy. Woooo!!!!

Overall:

I would love to give a grade for this but because of the blackout, I can’t give it an honest rating. The part I did see wasn’t too bad, though, so I’ll toss out a 6.

Number of "What’s": Not until you guys know when to start controlling your use of "What’s.

Number of "Woo’s": I was too busy bitching to count it during Flair’s speech.

Number of Points-To-Self: One – I think. The whole blackout thing again.

Number of Thongs: None – the bastards.

Number of times Stacy Kiebler was defiled in some way: None – I don’t think Stacy ever made it to the ring!!!

Number of heads up Rikishi’s ass: None…this I’m thankful for.

Hottest Chick: Kimberly and the girl in the confession room – during my Raw.

Number of predictions I got right: 3 out of 5. It’ll be four out of five if I get the Sack emptied on Thursday night like I’ve been promising

Have a good week and see you next Monday – or Thursday.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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