by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

But, were not here for that…its Monday and its Raw.

But, before we begin:

From the Bag O’ Love:

Just thought I would be nice and tell you that I have been reading your article since it started on OO. It’s a great read especially if you miss Raw the night before. Your opinions mirror my own on several accounts.

Dear Ray

Aww – so sweet…and short. That makes your letter my favorite.

From Rob –

Vince explains that she looks nice, when he should have said that she looks like a slut. I guess Vinnie is walking her down the aisle. Which means he'll be getting a pedigree tonight. HOLY SHIT!!!! Vinnie just checked out her hooters! that sick fuck!!!

I’ll always be there to prove that you are not the only sick freak in the world, brother.

1: Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall will appear live on Raw tonight!!! ( I was supposed to get this one last week, so I’m giving it to myself tonight.)

2: Steph will look like a total slut.

3: I will not be able to understand King and JR because the morons in the WWF truck have NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE DOING!!!!

4: Stacy Kiebler will be defiled yet again.

5: I will empty out the sack on Thursday for those people who have been waiting for two weeks to see their mail in print on the net!!!

But, time for Raw –

The NWO strikes fear into my heart as well!!! The thought of the atomic leg drop, the words "Hey, yo," and Nash’s infamous "phone-in-match" is enough to make me quiver. So, thank God for SCSA being one man that strikes fear into the hearts of the NWO.

However, JR remains is muffled. Henning vs. Austin tonight…but first,

Seems I smell a long talking segment ahead of us. Do you people realize how expensive it is to change the entire screen to black and white with a television camera. It seems like it wouldn’t be that big a deal, but that shit costs dough. Videotape is filmed in color and to turn it black and white takes a whole new gizmo in the editing room. See the important shit you learn from me?

Anyway, Grandpa talks first and bores me, but thank God the crowd screams what every friggin’ second to really perk my day up. Seems Grandpa thinks the Dwayne will be appearing tonight, but he didn’t check his itinerary. The Dwayne is either in Barbados or on the set of the Scorpion King right now. And the plug for Wrestlemania assures me that the ICON match will not be a huge wrestling affair at X8.

Nash on the stick commanding respect, but gets half the microphone time that Grandpa got.

Hall then tells us he is going to beat up SCSA – at Wrestlemania. So Hall has a match, Hogan has a match – will Nash be working Wrestlemania weekend? Seems a shame to have him on the payroll and not have him wrestle. And, what’s with the wheelbarrow?

I guess they are going to have a match.

Fear Factor replay – where Matt Hardy won because he is the leader of team extreme. And speaking of Matt Hardy…

I never realized how much I missed Lita until I saw her bra just now. And the Ass Chucker’s new song is bothering me, but hey, it suits their gay repartee they have going. Hmmmm…nothing really to talk about here, except for the fact that I do not see any heat from the APA. They need to set up some APA/Ass Chuckers heat before X8 or else it will just be a waste of my time.

The Ass Chuckers picked up the win, but in unimpressive fashion. What made them fun was the fact that they did weird "heel" gay things. They didn’t do that here. They just aren’t doing the things that used to make me laugh.

The enter the arena, and of course they act like they are fucking because, after all, this is a male soap opera. You know, I still can’t figure out why these people can’t make it to the arena on time. Don’t any of them own a watch? Oh, goody, a special videotape surprise is awaiting us, cant wait for it.

Talk about nothing. Waste of time.

Arn seems to be on the phone with a Domino’s Pizza Delivery Guy while Christian whines about quitting. However, Positively DDP talks him out of it and scares the shit out of everyone with a bright smile. Arn makes the same face and elicits a laugh from the crowd – as well as one from Christian.

And now I’m in "What" land…

The gist if the whole segment is that SCSA is deaf and that he will face Hall at X8.

However, how much you want to bet that SCSA and the wheelbarrow will be meeting before the night is over.

I’ve leaned an important lesson …always take a shit BEFORE doing a review of RAW.

Seems that Regal will be facing RVD at Wrestlemania. Speedy makes me laugh though. He’s so big and his ham-hock slap is so loud that he rocks the arena. However, a five star gives the Dude the win while Regal pouts about possibly losing his title.

T wants to learn Japanese so he can be on television shrilling soap or something, but I’m confused. Isn’t T already on television? I mean, the camera is right in front of him…he’s a member of the screen actors guild or else he wouldn’t be able to be seen on television, the world knows who he is…so then why does he keep trying to be on television. Seems his priorities are little bit screwed up. He should contact his agent and ask him all of these dumb questions that I am now asking you.

Hah!! The door was locked!! Ha!! Bradshaw reached around the door and pulled the key down!!!! Hah!!! They’re heading back to the bar to kick the hell out of some people. HA!!!

First off, Lillian looks hot as hell. Secondly, I’m not watching Fatty. I’ve got to take a shit and seeing him put stuff up his ass while I’m thinking about pushing something out of my ass just makes it worse.

On a side topic: who is going to win during the NWO 's matches at X8? In my own opinion, they have got to have either Hall of Hogan or both win or else it’ll show that the NWO are just a bunch of pussies. It would completely kill their heel heat.

Ooops, I missed that T won – whoopee!!

Skreech has monstrous boobs, and now Jericho is getting him some of it. Skreech looks like total trash, but, I have to admit, I’d fuck her. And don’t toss that high and mighty bullshit my way for saying it…. you know you would to. If she looked at you and whispered over a crowded bar, "Wanna blowjob?" You might whisper under your breath "Bitch, slut, whore," but you’d be dropping trow for the sole reason to let the billion dollar princess and lick a lot o’ pee-pee.

So, I guess, he’ll be back. (No pun intended there, but it was pretty funny.)

God, she looks like a total fucking slut. I mean, it’s just disgusting. That thing she is wearing is just … God I’m so flabbergasted that not a single descriptive word sprang into my consciousness. It’s just pathetic.

Triple H is getting warned they show the Raw where Triple H tore his quad.

Now it seems the little GaHHHme is being called tiny, prompting the GaHHHme’s entrance music. He won’t react too kindly to that. He sticks up for his manhood by calling Skreech loose, then tells the world she’s as floppy as the Grand Canyon. Seems we may have a little non-title contest tonight, but not if You Suck has any thing to say about it. Wait, it seems that Jericho will face Angle instead because the hidden Vinnie said so…which gives the GaHHHme the night off. But damn if he don’t get him some of Y2J, causing Skreech’s top to drop and showing off near nipplage.

Seems Henning has some pent up hostility and acknowledges he has a perfect record in the WWF.

Seems this is for the gold. Big Bitch attacks first, but wants to tear up the cape. Problem is the seems are sewn together with Kevlar, and the Big Bitch looks like an idiot trying to rip it. Nice move, gigantis.

There has got to be a diva somewhere willing to kick the hell out of this ugly chick. I’m begging for anyone hot looking diva to come out here and beat the hell out of this – thing. Where’s Lita…or bring back Trish. Or Terri – or Torrie. Hell, bring on the confessional booth girl. Yea, that would be nice. Seeing her again. I hated this dominating women’s champion thing with Chyna…and I hate it now. They need to develop something with this girl for X8 for me to get interested.

God damn, I gotta shit…this show may be on hold while I hit the toilet for 10 min's….

Molly selling a neck injury while the Underbiker comes out to get him some. Seems the Biker left his bike at home.

Arn Anderson blades!!! Holy shit, give a little credit to Arn for blading after retirement. And now Underbiker blames Flair for this Arn ass kicking. Arn – who’s been retired since the left side of his body gave out – still sells better than that Maven guy does. We should give Arn the hardcore title just for blading tonight.

By the way – whatever happened to the hardcore title?

Never mind – I gotta crap. TIME OUT!!!

God I feel better – wait, what time is it. 9:32 DAMN!!!

Okay, I’ll never make that crap mistake again. Anyway – here we are and Jericho is beating Angle. And Skreech makes her presence known by shrieking at Jericho. Okay, I smell Kane and the GaHHHme appearing during this match, setting up a tag team of the GaHHHme and Big Red Retard vs. You Suck and Y2J on Thursday.

The crowd has decided it’s nappy time, which kind of shocks me. Though both are heels, they can wrestle a great match. They’ve had great contests in the past.

Do you think Angle watched the Winter Olympics or does he refer to it as "that other international contest."

And, speaking of the Olympics, I’d like to formally apologize to the millions of fans I have who enlightened me to curling. I actually watched it for a half-hour last week and found it to be – well – it was a fun game. However, to me, it’s not a sport…it’s a game…and still shouldn’t be an Olympic event. I’m sorry – like I said, it was fun to watch and I kind of got into it, but honestly, it’s like bocce ball and shuffleboard combined on ice….and it’s a game.

However, I just want to announce that I will be going for the gold in four years in the skeleton event. That shit is cool.

However, back in the ring, Jericho brings in the hardware and a near pin gets Angle upset. And, here comes Kane to get some of Angle., Jericho gets the pin, while Kane decides to attack Angle. Angle gets out and runs – you guessed it – like a scalded dog.

I guess he left the iron on or something.

And he’s going in!!! OH NO!!!

Oh God…we have to see this again. The Dwayne gets a vacation. Deal with it.

Why the hell are we watching this? Are you serious? They couldn’t get a midget Dwayne or something? They couldn’t get something cool for this? No, they take a piece of cardboard and do this. Okay, the writers have run out of material.

And it’s men’s night, and I see this turning into something that I don’t want to watch. Oh my God, this has hit rock bottom. Bradshaw is afraid of a cross dresser? Come on…and now the Ass Chuckers are taking it to the APA. It seems they have upped the war, and now the homosexuals are near tears.

And the NWO wishes him luck. Yeah, smell the set up.

Why put off for later what you can do now?

Seems they may actually be having a wrestling match here. It really upsets me with how far Hennig has fallen in this place. Hennig was one of my favorites of all time, and I have a huge fear that he is going to be relegated to Sunday Night Heat or Jakked after this match. And, it’s a decent wrestling match so far. I remember the Hennig/Flair retirement match from the WWF years ago. It was one of my favorites of all time. But, you know what made Hennig great before – he was a cocky prick. He isn’t doing that so much now. He isn’t being the ass he used to be. He used to jaw with the crowd and his opponent. He used to crack me up. Now, he’s acting like a cocky bastard instead of actually being one.

Austin ends it pretty quickly, prompting us to wait for the NWO to attack.

Waiting, waiting, waiting….

Here comes the wheelbarrow of death...with what looks like cinder blocks in it. Hall whips them at a cameraman – and he looks unhurt. Thank god.

Nash and Hogan are out of the crowd to deliver an ass beating…

Wow – I don’t think I’ve ever seen a cinder block shatter quite like that!!! I’m stunned. The fact that Hall looked like he was carrying balsa wood – and the fact that the cinder block was falling apart in his hands - didn’t throw me at all. It was a EWAL cinder block and Austin’s knee is completely SHATTERED!!!

I’m just amazed by what I saw. I’m shocked at the brutality.

Overall:

Honestly, the show was boring and unbelievable. I mean, I suppose it did what it was supposed to – it generated heat for X8 coming u in a couple of months, but the show sucked overall. 5 stars out of 10.

Pointless Facts of Trivia: (FYI – I’m changing a bunch of these next week.)

Number of Points-To-Self: one

Number of times Stacy Kiebler was defiled in some way: None

Number of heads up Rikishi’s ass: None…this I’m thankful for.

Hottest Chick: Lita

Number of predictions I got right: Three…oh well.

Have a good week and see you next Monday.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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