by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Dear models from Victoria Secrets –

I’M BACK!!!

But, I suppose some of you deserve an explanation for the time off.

The truth is this: Twice a year, the wonderful state of Illinois holds this thing in the US Constitution known as an election. Elections are the worst time of the year for a reporter, because we spend 12 hours a day in the office writing about that stupid democratic system. Then, to make it worse, I would have to spend another four hours a night putting a new SCJ on the net. Needless to say, it was a major pain in the ass.

Plus to make my stress worse, I was in the process of moving out of the home where I spent the last 6 years. Time was extremely thin, and something had to give. So, I spoke with Rick – which was a major pain in the ass because he wouldn’t stop sucking down Pabst Blue Ribbon long enough to hold an intelligent conversation – and decided to take a little time off.

Believe me when I tell you I missed his place for the past five weeks as much as the three of you who read my column missed this thing. It was a long five weeks.

However, without further adieu – and without one of those "WWF Desire" commercials – I have returned to the net. So sit back, grab a beer and enjoy the much-anticipated return of the Squared-Circle Jerk.

But, as always, first comes the mail:

Dear Rick –

You are such a pantywaist, but I missed you too, you beer swilling leader of men.

Dear Pete –

And then I woke up.

1: Buh-Buh will do something to make me absolutely crack up tonight.

2: Brock Lesnar will beat the hell out of someone tonight and cement the fact that he will be an intercontinental titleholder within 6 months.

3: The Scorpion King will be promoted hard core throughout the entire show.

4: Flair will get a stunner from Baldy by the end of the night.

5: (A fantasy for me) Trish and Terri will get it on in a naughty lesbian thing in the center of the ring.

New pyro, new stage, new titan-tron – a whole new RAW!!!

Grandpa was named the number one contender, yet I can’t figure out why. Grandpa returns to the yellow and black, and will be fighting the GaHHHme at Backlash, which means I won’t be getting this PPV.

Here’s what I don’t understand about the whole situation: everyone – including Good Ole’ JR and the King – talked about how shitty Grandpa was while working in the WCW, but now that he’s with the WWF and on the roster, everyone talks like he’s the biggest thing to hit the wrestling world! TO me, he’s still an old man. His match with Dwayne at Wrestlemania was great from a nostalgic perspective, but that’s it. Does he deserve the main event with the GaHHHme? No. But, also, neither does the Underbiker.

Speak of the devil…the Underbiker rolls out on his bike, and he explains that he’s pissed he was booted out of the main event. He wants answers, and so do I damn it!!! With the addition of the word what to his speech, I now realize the one thing I didn’t miss about working for OO. Biker decides to overuse the "I’m not leaving" ploy and will hold a sit in, but thankfully, King Flair is out to make sure the cliché isn’t used again. It was funny when Baldy did it a couple of weeks ago, but then Vinnie did it, and now Underbiker goes for it. Next week, I’m going to do it, then I expect CRZ to do it the week after.

Flair talks about screwing up – I think - but of course, I wont be able to understand him until he pulls the dick out of his mouth.

Biker calls Flair a liar and a son of a bitch to prove he is extremely unhappy with the way things are going, which I happen to agree with him. He also tells us that he deserves to be no. 1 contender, and should have the title shot at the PPV after Backlash. If that happens, then I’m not really looking forward to after Grandpa gets pinned.

Then, the glass breaks and Baldy comes out to the ring and the "What’s" means that this could become a longer segment than originally anticipated.

In the meantime, the house-puppy – Xena – spilled her water dish all over the ground. The good thing about Xena is that she isn’t mine. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a cute puppy and I love her to death, but when she makes a mess, I hand her off to the roommates and they clean it up. (I laugh at you Tim! HAH!!!)

Anyway, back to the television. Baldy wants to be no. 1 causing Flair to issue a proclamation: Biker will wrestle The Dood while Baldy will wrestle Hey Yo. The winners will meet at Backlash.

So, after 20 minutes, I have just figured out that Baldy and Biker will meet at Backlash with the winner getting the No. 1 contender spot. Why didn’t they just cut this to the chase and make it easier on me?

But, it’s not over yet because Flair has to slur his way through another 5 minutes of television time – only to tell me what I already figured out. These two will fight at Backlash. Biker – because he is evil - bitches and the bitching ends in fisticuffs. Biker is out of the ring, prompting Flair to back away from a stunner like a woman.

It’s good to be back, I tell you.

Hah! Buh-Buh swings the hardcore championship around, almost hitting Lilian with it. And, as long as we brought her up – Lilian is looking exceptional tonight. I think that’s why I decided to stay with Raw after Rick gave me the opportunity to do SD! instead. Lilian makes life so easy on the eyes.

Wheat shows us a spinaroonie or whatever, prompting Buh-Buh to dance in the ring. Hey, look, that white guy’s got moves – but it’s ruined when JR calls him a "Caucasian." Pretty standard match so far, with me clinging to the hope that Buh-buh will some how incorporate the bugle into the match. Buh-buh looks to call for some wood, but no one is there, so he’s forced into manual labor on his own. With that, Goldy’s in the ring, turning this into some sort of weird three-way match. Goldy gets the powerbomb through the table giving Buh-buh the win.

You know, Goldy should be over on SD with the Rock. That would be a great match-up. But, instead, they waste his "I’m gay" powers on this show.

The replay shows that Trish was actually getting excited about pounding Perky’s nekkid ass on SD! (or maybe that was my interpretation), but also shows that Molly is a mean person and interrupts the situation by breaking the paddle over the blonds head.(By the way, did anyone else but me notice that the paddle amazingly broke in perfect angles last week. It didn’t splinter, or explode or anything weird, it broke off perfectly – a little too perfectly, if you ask me.)

Seems Trish and Molly will be fighting and she’s pissed. Chiki-monkey comes in and speaks a different language – I think is called the Queen’s proper English. Spike and Regal are having a feud. Regal is hysterical, calling Spike an abortion on society. That’s pretty good. Also, if you listen to Regal, Spike is the meanest pilgrim on the planet. Trish and Regal have words, and it ends without any fisticuffs. Too bad.

Perky seems to be hot for the big red retard and the retard explains that he wants all of his followers to be just like him. But, the word Kane-enites just makes me giggle, especially after seeing Dwayne mouth the word two weeks ago. The retard explains that freaks are now cool, which makes me point out that Rick Scaia is now the coolest mother-fucker on the planet. Atta boy, Rick!! There is help for you and your Pabst Blue drinking yet. Oh, before I forget, the retard will be facing the 123 Kid in a falls count anywhere match.

The NOW in the house. Ooops…I forgot the NWO. 123 wants the NWO to stay in the back, but Hall and Nash mug for the camera. It was quick and easy, but 123 still sucks.

This is the first time I think I have ever had the pleasure of watching Kane wrestle in an SCJ. No wait, I stand corrected I once saw Kane vs. Angle about four months ago.

I also remember last week when Kane’s pyro went off about a half hour after Kane made the motion to have the ring posts explode. It was real disheartening for me, because I always thought Kane was all powerful and could make fire explode from his fingertips on command. It was a sad day in the Filas household after that.

They fight outside, and there’s Hall and Nash waiting behind a box in the camera view. Kane is on his back for the pin, but the beating continues. 123 pulls off Kane’s mask, and out comes Bradshaw for the save. They should have taken the opportunity to show us Kane’s face, then he would never have to wear that damn thing again. Besides, who really remembers what Issac Yankem really looks like anyhow? The only thing I know is that they would have a hard time explaining away the burn marks.

Kane got his ass whipped again, Those bastards.

123 has the mask and is mocking the camera, but King Flair comes in to bitch. It seems that Nash – like the Dwayne before him- has been suspended without pay. You don’t think that it’s because Nash is scheduled to have surgery next week? That was a good out writing guys – extremely creative.

Regal dropped the knucks, but then had a second pair in his shorts and hides them in the corner. HAH!!!!!Spike grabs the knucks, hits Regal and wins the European Championship!!! That’s funny.

JR and the King shrill about the win, while Spike is backstage celebrating. Tommy Dreamer dumps something – tobacco juice??? - on Spikes head. Speedy comes along and adds another slurpee substance to the Coach’s head. Buh-buh shakes Spike’s hand for the win, and it seems all is all right in Dudley-ville again.

The Underbiker wants to show who the man is by being brutal, but The Dood shows why he’s the intercon champion. The Biker – of course – spent the first part of the match not selling to the newcomer, but a bad ass bump turns the tide. Dood missed the top rope for the Van Daminator, but still managed to pull off the move from the second rope. (Don’t e-mail me this week telling me he did that on purpose. He clearly missed it!)

Damn! Underbiker pulls out a super-plex? Wow, he’s acting like he’s 32 again.

Lilian scrambles out of the way of the chair - Holy shit! She is looking sooooo fucking hot! I’d pork the shit out of her if given just one opportunity. All I’d have to do is just lift up that skirt…. Back to the ring, dammit!!! Van Dam decides Eddie Guerrero is more important than the Underbiker, and to prove it he jumps off the tope rope and takes the interferer out. An "Eddie sux" chant echos through the arena while the Underbiker gets the chokeslam in. The count is elementary…Holy shit! Dood kicked out? Damn, this is turning into a good match. The Dood hits the five-star, but Eddie cheats. Biker goes for the pin – NO! The Dood kicked out again! Finally, Biker sets up and scores the Last Ride, and now its over.

The story line called for the Biker to win, but it was a great match and cemented The Dood as a top-level guy on the new Raw. It was worth it.

Big Bitch joins our favorite announcer team at ringside, but I have no need to listen to her steroid induced speech pattern. But, she is sure showing off a huge shiner.

Molly died her hair dark and chucked the superhero gimmick, then she trades barbs with Perky about the bikini match. Perky then decides to push Molly’s buttons, and Perky gets called an implied slut.

The fight starts on the floor, but heads back to the ring. Molly is clearly acting like the heel, because the hot blond named Trish will never – again – be the bad girl.

Good Ole’ JR claims that "Hogan deserves to be the No. 1 contender," but wasn’t it JR who did the voice over for "The Huckster vs. the Nacho Man" nearly 5 years ago? What a friggin’ hypocrite.

The chicks continue to fight – while the Big Bitch keeps her trap shut, which is exactly what she should do. Trish’s boobs nearly popped out to say hello to the cable world, while Jazz decides to become physically involved in the contest during the Stratusfaction bulldog. Molly with the unique pin, making it seem like the Trish/Jazz feud is going to heat up.

Fuck, Lesnar is a monster. Heyman tries to get the world to turn against him – and it works.

Man, Heyman is the master at drawing heat. They should stick him with every near heel and let him get the guys over. My God, he just lets the crowd play right into his hands. In my own damned opinion, he was the biggest pick up in the history of the WWF.

Heyman claims he groomed Underbiker, Baldy, ECW, WWF Attitude, and during this speech, I notice that Lesner has no neck. Man, Lesner is a monster, but, as all of you know, I could easily kick his ass.

The Hardy’s come out to get them some revenge, but it isn’t going to work. Lesner just tosses Jeff out of the ring like a rag doll, then gorilla presses Matt out. The Hardy’s return with a chair and friggin Lesner takes two face shots with the steel and didn’t go down – hell, he even landed on his feet outside of the ring.

This guy is going to make a huge impact in wrestling. They are setting him up the same way they set up Tazz in ECW. He was smiling and laughing, waiting for the chair shots in the face. That was great.

Jesus, I cant get over how hot Lilian is looking tonight. She wants a piece of me, I’m telling you.

This is basically going to be a squash, so I really don’t see a point in rambling on and on about it. Though, I was shocked to see Hennig toss Speedy into a perfect-plex. Speedy sneezes and breaks the hold, then beats the hell out of Curt. The choke slam ends the match, relegating Hennig back to Sunday Night Heat duty.

Baldy walks into Flairs office looking for a beer or something – but decides to sit a spell.

I just saw a commercial for Friday the 13^th part 10 – or something. It seems that Jason will be heading into space. Are you kidding me? Jason in space? Come on…get fucked.

A lot of replays set up the last 15 minutes of action – so, if I wasn’t here, which I was, I’d know exactly what was going on.

Baldy wants Flair to explain the situation to him, and they talk things over. Seems that if Baldy wins, then he will face the Underbiker at Backlash. Didn’t I say that about 100 paragraphs ago? So, it seems we already know who will face whom at the PPV. So, since I know Biker and Baldy are fighting, why am I even watching this?

Dwayne will be appearing on SNL again, this Saturday.

God Damn, I think I’m in love with Lilian. I mean, Jesus, in that dress, I’d pound her into submission.

Austin takes over for the beginning of the match, but then 123 decides to join in the fray. Austin dispatches him, while Hall gets kicked around some more.

But Hall lets lose with an evil ball shot to turn the tide of the battle. Austin on the receiving end for a little bit of time….why am I even calling this thing? We all know that Austin and the Underbiker are going to face each other at Backlash, which means Hall loses this match. Didn’t I see this exact match during WrestleMania, with Nash taking 123’s spot?

The Underbiker is out to help out Hall, but Bradshaw comes out to even the score. It’s carnage everywhere, with Baldy kicking out of a close pinning attempt. Hall looks to put Austin away for good with the Razor Ramon fall-away slam. However, Austin fights back. 123 in to get him some, but King Flair comes out to stop the interference. Austin with a stunner for 123, then one for Hall resulting in a pin. Then, he hands Flair one for good measure, the beer pours and the crowd cheers. And my return is officially over.

Overall:

It was a pretty good show, better than the crap that the federation was putting on before WrestleMania. I give it 7 stars out of 10.

I wanted to redo this part of the article, so I’m just going to cut out this section this week. However, anyone with an idea of a new PFOT for me, e-mail it my way and I’ll check into it.

Have a good week and see you next Monday.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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