by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

And, it’s about time the friggin’ Cubs started winning. If they lose the division, I think I’m going to kill someone.

But, were not here for that…its Monday and its Raw.

But, before we begin:

From the Bag O’ Looking for Mr. Goodbar:

From Michael:

Dear Michael:

Never heard of it, but now that it’s out there on the Internet, maybe someone will know something about it. As for Rick and the Corona, what do you think he’s rich or something? Something expensive – like Corona, Miller or Budweiser – is way out of his league.

From Brad –

Dear Brad:

Hmmm, Jason X vs. the Scorpion King? I smell a PPV match in the making here. Though, my money is on the Rock and the Scorpion King. The reviews haven’t been too bad and Jason in Space is enough to make my brain hemorrhage.

1: Stacy will not be defiled – the slut is on SD!

2: Lesnar will kill a Hardy tonight.

3: Bradshaw will be a big part of the show – because it’s in Texas

4: The GaHHHme will decide to not come out again tonight.

5: There will be a new segment at the bottom of this page that requires audience support!!! It could be as big as "Ask The Rick" was, dammit!!!

If my tape were done correctly, it would be time for Raw and the pyro would be going off, fans at Texas A&M would be screaming and all that, but because I have no idea what time it is in the world, you get this instead:

Flair fines Baldy for giving him a stunner last week on Raw, and he’s had it with wrestlers fighting the owner of the company. So, the glass breaks and out comes Baldy. Baldy – after a buttload of "What’s" – and after a million three word sentences, explains that he will be the No. 1 contender after Backlash. However, the Underbiker WALKS his happy ass to the ring to explain that he will be the No. 1 contender. Shit, at the rate this is going, I should be the No. 1 contender. I’m apparently the only one who understands that the first 25 fucking minutes of Raw shouldn’t be wasted on this thing. Uh-oh, Underbiker looks fat. He’s got a HUGE gut hanging over his totally cool – HA – leather biker pants. Underbiker shows that he is still subscribing to "overactor’s anonymous." Apparently the past feelings between Baldy and Underbiker don’t mean a damn thing – and Underbiker admits to being a cheater. Apparently Baldy needs Flair to protect him, but Baldy hits that point with a counter point and says "it’s untrue." Baldy and Underbiker threaten Flair simultaneously, so Flair makes himself a special referee at Backlash. We are 20 minutes into the program and we could have easily summed up this entire conversation with an "I hate you, you hate me, let’s fight speech."

And – as if the segment wasn’t long enough, the NWO is out to make this segment REALLY long. Hey Yo wants his piece of the No. 1 contender spot and wants to take on Austin tonight. But to make sure the god-damn thing isn’t a re-run this week, Flair says no. This – of course – prompts some fisticuffs between everyone. Flair takes a bump and out comes Bradshaw and now everyone is fighting. Flair gets pissed and jumps around after it’s over, and our main event tonight is established between Bradshaw and Baldy vs. the NWO and Underbiker.

And that took 25 fucking minutes. Good job guys.

Flair is pissed off behind the scenes, and Arn of course plays whipping boy to the whole thing. He also calls for a match but I have no idea what or who is involved because Flair doesn’t speak English at this point. My guess is that there is a handicapped match between Bradshaw and Baldy vs Hey Yo, X-Pac Sux and Underbiker, but we can’t be sure.

This is our first fucking match of the night? Jesus, take your time, assholes. Raven wearing a garbage bag around his waist? Nice fashion statement. After a bunch of Stop sign hits, trash can hits, a plant hit and a Double trash can hit, Raven gets the win? I’m depressed now. But, to save my chagrin, Tommy Dreamer comes out and becomes the hardcore champ. Then Steven Richards comes out to become the hardcore champ. But, Buh-Buh is back up and he becomes the hardcore champion again. Why doesn’t Raven get up and hit Buh-buh? No one listens to me. So, officially, we had four title changes.

Here’s Speedy, and he’s taking a walk – to the toilet I think.

These two have a past, don’t they? Seems Meat wants to get him some of Speedy. Well, I guess it’s because both Meat and Show have nothing to do tonight. However, as I look on preparing for this match, I can’t help but think that Shawn Stasiak bores the shit out of me. Oh well.

As I said in the beginning, my fucking stupidity ruined what could have been a great match in the WWF. Or, it could have saved me from about 10 minutes of boring crap.

Either way, I missed it.

That’s about all my memory in the first hour of the evening. I know Spike spoke with someone and a few other things. But, to save face, let’s jump ahead to:

Lilian isn’t looking that hot tonight. She shouldn’t be wearing blue. She looks better in neutral colors, like black, white…underwear.

Eddie slaps away a drop kick from Spike, but I don’t think he had too. Spike missed the mark by about three feet. Now Spike comes back with a flurry – you don’t think Eddie misses hanging out with Chyna do you? I mean, he got to hang out at the Playboy mansion and all.

Spike was just folded – fucking JR just took my line- up like an accordion during a hard bump with Regal. I love Spike. He’s such a little guy that he gets his ass kicked around and always gets up for more. The Dood gets a hot tag, Rolling Thunder besmirches Regal, and now the match is out of control. God, you know, The Dood just amazes me. The fucker can do a split-legged moonsault while half the wrestlers on the card can’t even do a regular moonsault. Eddie wins with a huge frog splash, but the Dood isn’t happy and takes it out on Eddie. Shit, a nice press into a drop kick by the Dood. If they are given the right amount of time on Sunday, the match between Eddie and RVD at Backlash will be the best one of the night. You just watch.

Shows me what I just saw.

I guess a match between Trish and Molly will be for the No. 1 contender. You can tell Trish has been hanging around the Underbiker, because she has been overacting all evening long. Molly comes out to complain about the pictures in the swimsuit issue of that WWF magazine. Does anyone really read that piece of crap? I haven’t read a WWF magazine since I was like 18. Trish claims Molly is going to see what life is like on her back, which gives me the impression that Trish spends a lot of time on her back. This was also pretty unimpressive, and I’m getting bored with Trish’s character. She should be doing more spankings and less talking. That’s the Trish I like. This Trish is kind of a joke.

King is extremely pleased to find out Molly is a virgin. She’s a regular Virtuous Venus. I also think the King needs to get laid. If he wants it, I’ve got a picture of his ex-wife giving a hummer to some guy.

JR is really impressed with the ladies mental and physical toughness, while the King is simply impressed by their tits. And, so is the crowd, who starts the chant for puppies. Wow, this match is using ring psychology and everything. Molly with the hands up - back away move ala the Nature Boy. Okay, Trish wins this because she gets completely kicked around the first part of the match. Trish just sat on Molly’s face to take the win, and Molly screams about losing. Trish will be heading to Backlash to meet that Big Bitch and I’m not impressed.

Has himself a new angina commercial out. How proud I am of him.

Bradshaw will face Hey Yo at Backlash – how nice. Man, is Perky just a short little shit or what? But, so far, she’s the hottest chick on the program. Bradshaw is getting some time to speak? Wow, the show must be in Texas tonight. He explains that Hey Yo doesn’t have a set of nuts. Well, that happens. Sometimes you feel like a nut.

First off, didn’t Kane win his mask back from X-Pac in house shows over the weekend? Why does the little suck-nut have it on his face? And – I can’t believe they just let Hall say the word queer. That’s going to piss some people off out there. Then they dance after a challenge is issued.

I get the feeling that we are getting into one of those long stretches of interview segments. Lita seems to be happy to be here, and she is wearing A LOT of friggin’ make up. Man, she looks like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show. Why don’t we just cake the shit on her. A Lesner clip is shown of the Hardy’s getting smacked around. Lesner is a fucking huge guy.

Lita doesn’t seem to be worried about her boyfriend at Backlash when he faces Lesner. I wouldn’t be worried either, because I could take Lesner myself. Paul Heyman wanders in and decides to flip through some of Lita’s thongs. He also implies that she should sleep with him or else Lesner is going to kill Matt. Heyman gets a slap for his troubles while Lita fumes and the whole friggin segment reminds me of some cheap ass comic book. Heyman is the bad guy brain who controls the dominating force of Lesner, while Lita – the slut – is little Polly Pureheart who needs her whimpy boyfriend to stick up for her.

If Heyman sniffs the thong, then I’m going to laugh my ass off.

Matt talks down to Lita about what just happened, and Lita, like the little whipped puppy, just nods and looks down at the floor. (Or, at least, that’s what I think happened. I could be wrong.)

You know what I missed earlier but remember seeing? Goldy and Wheat in the locker room. I saw it quick but didn’t get a chance to write it down. Shit, I’m sorry.

Matt gets kicked around a little. If he can’t take shots from Goldy, then how in the hell is he going to be able to deal with the shots from Lesner? After a tag, Jeff is in and shows us that he hits like a girl. You know, I never really wanted to go down this road with Jeff, but the guy is a panty-waist. He really has got to be gay. He really has a lot of women mannerisms. The way he punches and the way he runs is extremely feminine. Shit, Lita’s more of a butch than that guy.

Speaking of Lita, Heyman comes down with the thong and Matt gives chase, leaving the sissy in the ring with Wheat. Wheat with a scissors kick and Goldy with a cover is all she wrote.

On top of the ramp, Heyman has the whole bag of thongs, and is rubbing them on himself. Matt walks up there but Lesner comes out. Matt thinks, then attacks. Lesner gets a right in the package to slow him down, but not long enough. Hardy is slammed into the steel, while Jeff – the nurse – takes care of his brother. This is all Lita’s fault. Matt’s dead.

He rides a camel, how impressive. God, that movie is going to suck.

Again, I’d like to point out the fact that three years ago, Ross did commentary on the Nacho Man vs. the Huckster…now Ross talks about how Hogan is Jesus Christ. Come on. And now the GaHHHme gets the huge promotional job. I hate this shit. There is no reason to do this. He talks about beating Hogan and not caring who the No. 1 contender is. But, this does nothing - abso-fucking –lutely nothing - to make me want to buy the damn PPV. So, in the immortal words of CRZ – fuh-fuh-whud.

You know, I never thought I’d say this, but it’s times like these where I actually miss Stephanie. I mean, she shrills, she screams, she makes my ears bleed, but she made me laugh now and again. Come back, Steph!!!

On Tough Enough 2 – the hot chick gets it on with some guy and throws away her future with her boyfriend. Nice going, bitch.

Another commercial for Jason in space – and again I say get fucked.

X-Pac sux walks to the ring with Kane’s mask and it makes me wonder if the Underbiker shouldn’t get his brother’s mask back for him? What an asshole.

The match explodes early, but Baldy can’t get his vest off. Now he does and the tables turn on the bad guys. Austin’s chucking the one-fingered birds around like they were candy, but it doesn’t matter to the censors in the truck who let every single bird fly. JR just called Bradshaw "The Brahma Bull," then realized he fucked up and said "No disrespect to the Rock." Nice job, Mr. VP of talent development and producer of SD.

I’ve always liked Bradshaw and the APA in general. They’re just mean sons o bitches. It’s not a bad match so far, but nothing special. Bradshaw showing the most by hitting hard shots and by taking on the entire other team. Bradshaw hits the clothesline from hell on Biker, but not enough to pin anyone. The entire thing turns chaotic, everyone is fighting everywhere, which gives Bradshaw the chance to hit X-Pac with another clothesline to get the win. No stunner tonight, but Biker grabs a chair and nails Austin while Bradshaw gets kicked around in the ring. And, the program cuts out suddenly, prompting me to think that they had to because the show ran real long because the GaHHHme was so damned long winded in the ring.

Overall:

Honestly, the show was boring. Nothing really perked my interest, and it did nothing to make me want to buy Backlash. It sucked. 4 stars.

Okay, I’ve bee besieged with these things this week, so I’m going to try something different. Each week, I will answer all the Pot’s that you people send in. In essence, if you send it to me, then I will use it in this spot and answer it – so send that crap in every week.

May I suggest again counting the number of times that the superstars in the ring script the promo expecting the crowd to yell "What?", but they don't: Once – it looked like the Undertaker tried it and it didn’t work. Hall also tried it a little, but he jumped over it real quick.

Number of Times Lilian looks hot. This would give you an easy excuse to add yet another comment about quite possibly one of the finest women in the WWF, besides that confession girl, who is of course #1: She is always hot, but I didn’t like the clothing tonight.

The number of times Big Show gets kicked in the nards: I don’t think he did, but I do know that Lesner did.

How about the number of fingers you would cut off to have a shot with Lillian Garcia on that particular night: Hmmm – which’s a toughie. Tonight, I’d have to go with two. I just didn’t like the dress she was wearing tonight.

Have a good week and see you next Monday.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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