by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

But, now that that’s out of the way, I sure hope this show is better than last week. I mean, it can’t get much worse, eh?

But, first, to the Sack O’ Plenty:

From Chris –

Dear Chris –

This one I blame on the spell check. It says that Lilian is only spelled with one "L." So blame Bill Gates...

[Note from Rick:  Dear Chris and Lee --  you can actually blame this on MY spellcheck, which insists that Lilian is wrong and "Lillian" is right.  Of course, my spellcheck also insists that "spellcheck" isn't a word, either, so what the fuck does it know?  I will place "Lilian" right there next to "Underbiker" on the ever-growing list of added words to my own personal dictionary...]

From Some Guy –

Dear Some Guy –

Guess that shameless kiss up to me at the end of the letter is NOT enough to get your name in SCJ, since you never SIGNED THE DAMNED LETTER!!!

From Concrete TG:

Here's a voice cast for "Rock N Wrestling"

Hulk Hogan - Brad Garrett
Roddy Piper - Charlie Adler
Junkyard Dog - James Avery
Moolah - Jodi Carlisle
Wendy Richter - Jodi Carlisle
Superfly - Lewis Arquette
Captain Lou - George Di Cenzo
Andre the Giant - Ronald A. Feinberty
Hillbilly Jim - Pat Fraley
Nikolai Volkoff - Ronald Gans
Mr. Fugi - Ernest Harada
Iron Sheik - Aron Kincaid
Big John Studd - Chuck Licini
Tito Santana - Joey Pento
Mean Gene Okerland - Neil Ross

WTF!?!?!?? NO ONE DID THEIR OWN VOICE?? LIKE THEY HAD REAL JOBS OR SOMETHING

Dear Concrete –

WTF? Don’t you have anything better to do?

Five pre-Raw predictions:

1. Mumbles will turn on Baldy tonight.
2. Trish Stratus will get some Statusfaction tonight….hopefully with Lilian.
3. Lesnar will kill someone tonight. Not just knock him out – but literally kill him.
4. MS Word will NOT eat my friggin article – again – tonight.
5. The show will not be worse than last week. It’s nearly impossible.

Nothing like seeing a WWF commercial right before the credits. Oh, this is the "It’s not WWF anymore, but instead, it’s World Wrestling Entertainment." Whatever – it’s the same crap, different shovel.

Play the song, show the stars, and let’s have fun…then pyro at the Connecticut Civic Center.

God, Trish is looking lovely tonight. Is it me or is she a little bit perkier than normal? Maybe it’s a new push-up bra or something. The bell rings and we’re underway - and, the first sunset flip nearly sends both girls on their ass. I give it two minutes before Buh-buh runs out. I see this turning into a tag match next week, Stevie and Big Bitch vs. Stratus and Buh-buh.

Anyway, BB finally starts to take over and Trish is up against a wall and getting her ass kicked around. God, would I like to have Trish up against a wall. Oh – I’m sorry – I was off in la-la land again.

Anyway, Trish in the double chicken wing move that thrusts her tits straight up to the Gods…and then Trish lands hard on her face. However, no harm and her pretty little face stays in tact. A Stratusfaction Bulldog should spell the win, but Richards makes the save. Trish gets a Steven kick in the forehead then is pinned. The celebration ends early – however – as Buh-uh is in with his own ref, leading us into…

Buh-buh comes in with a can and I’m actually starting to believe my wish has been granted and this will become a better night than last week. Buh-buh goes for wood, pulls it out, but Stevie is up. The table is ignored as a Buh-buh bomb on Stevie ends it. But, the celebration ends early again as Raven is in, gets the championship with a DDT, but then Justin Incredible is in and wins the title. But, then, Crash Holly goes for the win and gets it. Buh-buh back up and nails Crash with a trash can – but Trish sneaks on top for the win. But, before she can escape, Buh-Buh wants some wood but gets blinded by a fire extinguisher. He accidentally slams Trish onto his wood, which gives Stevie the opportunity for the win. He fleas the arena with the belt while Buh-buh sees Trish laying on his wood. He – of course - gets excited (or upset. I’m not sure.) and decides to carry her to the back.

Leaving me to wonder "Just what are those rascals up too?"

God, at some point over the past two weeks, I must have climbed into a time machine and went back to 1998, because I swear I’ve seen this crap before.

The "What" chants start and Speedy plays up with it. His voice just cracked – he must be heading through puberty again. Why do they keep calling Speedy 500 pounds? Wasn’t he sent down to the minors for reaching the 500 mark? I wouldn’t be proud of the fact that he’s tilting the scales that big. After a lot of crying on behalf of Speedy’s end, out comes Mumbles – who, of course, will be better known as the fourth man in the NWO.

If there was ever a time that I would want the fans to scream "What," it’s now, only because I can’t understand a damned thing coming out of Mumble’s mouth. I think he said that he is going to get the bad guys, and that Speedy is a bad man. He also mentions that Mumbles is good, but I don’t believe it because the creative team at the WWF isn’t smart enough to swerve us. I think he’s also looking forward to step in the ring, and then, after the match, he’s going out for some dinner.

Hey Yo steps up with the stick, and the crowd cheers at his catch phrases more than they boo. He must also be stuck in the time machine with me, because he’s starting to act like Razor Ramon – especially when he called Mumbles "Chico."

Hall also mentions a he announcement tonight, but King oversells Flair "shock at the announcement," so it’s all bullshit. Flair turns heel tonight.

You know, my one question – right now – is: Isn’t Heyman in the building tonight? Isn’t he a fucking genius when it comes to storylines? Why in the hell don’t they use him more? There is no way in hell he would have anything to do with something this fucking stupid. Jesus….these fucking writers should be fired.

Spike apparently broke his leg last night, but he persevered in the UK – at least that’s what the replay showed. Spike can’t walk down the aisle, but damn if he isn’t a trooper and continues on. Regal wants Spike to forfeit, but Spike doesn’t go for it. Spike stalls long enough for a cheap shot, and Regal goes for the ankle right away. Spike taps and Regal wins the championship. But, honestly, the match wasn’t the best thing in television. Instead, there was a totally hot chick sitting in the like the 10^th row – a brunette with a low-cut white shirt on. She’s SEXY!!!

Anyway, Regal declares himself the greatest European Championship of all time, and then attacks Spike, proving he is the biggest heel on Monday nights. But, the shock here is that D-Lo runs out and makes the save! Alright D-Lo!! The head-swivel is back!! YES!!! The Chi-town boy has been missed.

Mumbles yell at Arn, but it doesn’t engross me at all. I think Arn just appeared on the show so he can keep his screen actors guild card current. But, again, they play this surprise bullshit up and are totally giving this crap away.

Remember when I said that tonight’s show couldn’t get any worse? I was DEAD wrong.

Booker is looking for a slurpee, and acts neurotic with the cups and displays of other wrestlers. He runs into a very strange looking guy – who turns out to be Goldy dressed like a rapper. Also, little side note – Goldy is sucking on a hot dog. He explains the head-games concept to me – just in case I was a total moron and didn’t understand the whole concept behind his character stuff. Goldy admits to wanting to lock up on Booker’s unit. He also said he wants to suck on Booker’s slurpee, and Goldy offers up his wiener to Booker. Yet, I’m too stupid to see the sexual entendre’s in this damn segment.

Meat got pinned by the Hardy’s – which prompted TNBT to take out some frustrations on Meat. Which, of course, leads to….

Lesner is getting ready for his match by lifting his carcass off the ground multiple times. Man, he’s huge, but – of course - I could take him.

Mysteriously, Mumbles locates an APA hat in the locker room. You know, at this point, I bet Scooby-fucking-Doo could figure this mystery out – without help from Fred or Thelma.

Terry "Bald" Bradshaw is still shilling Supercuts, which makes about as much sense as Rik-ass-shi shilling Stacker 2.

And asks a producer to watch his bike…while the NWO discusses shit near the rear entrance. Thanks for wasting my time.

Didn’t this same match take place last week? Well, if it did, it ended the same way. Meat got squashed. However, for those of you looking forward to facing Lesner in the ring, head to ToughEnough3.com and give er a go. I’d do it, but I got that trick knee thing – you know how it is.

A "Goldberg" chant breaks out in the arena, which makes me break a small smile. Also – of importance – Lesnar actually pinned Meat for the win – with the foot pin. That sucks. They never should have done that. I like the "out cold" pin thing he used to do.

He can’t find his bike because it seems that Hogan came in and took his ride for a spin.

God…are you kidding me? These two are fighting over a bike at this point? Jesus…another PPV I have no intention of getting.

Remember, for those of you wagering at home, it’s the WWE, now, not the WWF. Make sure you make a note of it.

Of last week….where we – the viewer – never received a main event.

Hey, Underbiker, I found your bike. Wait – before he talks….

Okay – the old man does the ear grab thing, and spins around and flexes. Now, I wait for him to speak. Would someone please tell me WHY – again - this guy has the belt? And, speaking of the belt, where the hell is it? He must have left the damn thing at home or something. Maybe he forgot it in England.

After mucho talking, Hogan calls out the Biker and the Biker responds. Can you believe the two fucking guys headlining at Judgment Day are a combined 100 years of age? That makes me sick.

Biker – like a 5-year-old neighbor kid of mine – wants his bike back and threatens to tell his Mom if Hogan doesn’t return it. Hogan responds by calling the Biker a cry-baby. Then all the neighbor kids come out and spit their tongue out at the Biker. But the Biker responds by threatening to set fire to Hogan’s tree fort. So, Hogan responds brilliantly by calling Biker a "doo-doo head." No, that didn’t happen? Well, that’s what it sounds like to me.

HA!!! Hogan killed the fucking bike on the ramp. He restarts it – AND DOES IT AGAIN!!! Now he can’t get the fucking thing running long enough to chase after him!!! God THIS FUCKING SHOW IS FALLING APART!!!!

Hope someone knows a good towing company because Hogan just took off and just left the bike on the ramp!! What a fuck up!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! JR and King are trying to stall for time, but I can hear someone in the back trying to start the fucking thing!!! Apparently Hogan ran back down the ramp and tried to get it going – finally got it going – and decide to give chase!!! Hey – ASSHOLE - Biker had time to fucking go out and get a hot dog and a beer before having to worry about you chasing after him!!!! This is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever seen. What the fuck are they doing with this fucking show? What happened to the good old days of wrestling? This is fucking stupid!!

After many camera angles with Hogan driving through the arena on the bike…Hogan spots himself a semi and decides to run over the bike. God, I hope the can keep that thing running!! Well, he gets it running, but now he can’t find first gear and WE SUDDENLY BREAK TO COMMERCIAL!!! God – what a cluster-fuck!!!

You know – this is perhaps the dumbest show I have ever seen on television. It is just absolutely retarded. I bet TNN is so-fucking-happy to have this crap on television right now.

GOD – I PRAY THIS DOESN’T GET ANY WORSE!!!

Hogan runs over the bike…and now Biker is off telling his Mom And…to make this pile of shit EVEN MORE COMPELLING Hogan goes looking for the biker. God, WILL SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME!!! At this point, I fucking wish I were the bike that was run over by Hogan!!!

I guess Lita is okay…after her neck surgery, which she suffered while play wrestling on another television show. Man, what else can happen with this company. By the way, Matt is still hanging with Lita during her recovery. It wouldn’t be because this show sucks and he wants to be transferred to SD or anything.

This could be match of the night…which isn’t saying much so far...but the disaster I just saw on television has really ruined this whole fucking sport for me. This could be match of the year, and I would sit here bored out of my mind.

The Dood stays even with the bad guys until Jeff is tagged in and gets beat up. Then he makes the hot tag and the Dood cleans house – scoring the pin following a simultaneous swan-ton/five star with a little run in by Goldy.

And, by the way, Jeff hit like a girl throughout the entire match, once again showing me that he plays for the other team – if you know what I mean.

The Biker’s bike is broken – not that it mattered because the damn thing wouldn’t start before.

Molly will be facing Perky in a swimsuit competition, which may actually make me happy to be doing this tonight. And, Perky decides to show Coach her ta-ta’s while the King squirts under the announcer’s table.

My God, this show sucks.

I’m telling you, if my schedule wasn’t so screwed up on Thursday’s, I would switch to covering SD without a second of hesitation.

Blames Bradshaw as being in the NWO – when the whole fucking world knows it’s him.

Perky struts her way down to the ring, and almost smacks herself in the eye from her fake flopping tit. Molly comes down with her big ass – carrying some flippers. She puts on a bathing cap and shows off the old woman suit…and the crowd – of course – boos. The King completely drools over Perky, ignoring the HUGE FUCKING DIAMOND on her finger. After a little tease, Perky shows off her jewels, before shoving her perfect ass in the air. Molly and Perky argue about who’s hotter and who is wearing a better bathing suit…King "I could find a pole, all right" – good line. Molly , of course, loses and then kicks the crap out of Perky. Think WWE is running out of women competitors with Lita on the shelf?

Of course, he finds Kane’s mask in there…just to throw us all off the track on who is heading to the NWO tonight. Brilliant guys.

God – I would give my left arm to have Benoit come back right now.

Bradshaw says he doesn’t owe Flair anything after Baldy wasn’t in his locker room. And, they showed one quick segment and WENT BACK to commercial. However, the "good news" is that the main event is next. Whoopie. You know, I will not be satisfied with this episode AT ALL if they do not swerve me and make someone else beside Flair turn evil. At this point, they HAVE TO swerve me. PLEASE SWERVE ME!!!

Sorry – didn’t see any reason to break in the match to adjust the time, so I just combined them.

I pray now - to the wrestling gods - for a swerve. (On my knees) God, please make Austin turn heel. Hell, make Bradshaw turn evil. Anyone but Flair…it’s too predictable. Please, excite me…do something, anything, to throw me off the track. How about bringing Bischoff back…ANYTHING, please Lord, please….for me.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! For some unknown reason, the brain trust of apes in the fucking truck decide to cut to the back – now – to show the Underbiker’s bike under the truck? Is this a fucking joke? WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE DOING!!! WHO IN THE HELL WRITES THIS SHIT!!! WHO IN THE HELL IS DIRECTING THIS GARBAGE!!! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE SHOW I USED TO LOVE!!!!

Now, a limo pulls in and Nash gets out….and we cut to commercial? GOD THESE PEOPLE SUCK!!!!

Okay – Nash’s arrival means he is no longer suspended – which is why he’s here.

Seriously, what the fuck is the point of reviewing this anymore? The swerve isn’t going to take place, and I’m going to sit here and just be bored.

God, PLEASE SWERVE ME!!!

Speedy’s head butt missed by a foot – how hard is it to hit a head butt? Bradshaw is cut…at least we have some liquid to make me feel better. Bradshaw – eventually - goes through a table while Flair was taking a nap in the corner. Baldy is in to take on the rest, but, of course, the numbers game will prevail. Baldy hands out a double stunner, then takes the fight to Speedy. After another two minutes, Speedy gets a stunner but not before Flair throws a chair in the ring for future use. AND THERE IT IS!!! I’M FUCKING TOTALLY SHOCKED!! NO ONE IN THIS WORLD SAW IT COMING!!! Hell, Flair fucking telegraphed it and the crowd was booing AN HOUR before Flair hit him! And, where the hell was Nash? WHY THE FUCK DID THEY SHOW HIM IF HE WASN’T COMING OUT!!!

Fuck it!!!! I just quit. You guys know what happened. This is fucking retarded.

Overall:

Nothing – not a god damned one…not even a half. This show completely sucked. It sucked worse than any other Raw or SD I have ever seen. From the retarded Hogan/Biker segment to the OBVIOUS Flair turn….it was just a piece of crap. Hell, I didn’t even get a decent look at Lilian at all tonight!!! The only high spot was the quick changing hardcore title match tonight, and seeing Perky in a thong. But, even that wasn’t enough to make me smile. This show just sucked.

In fact, I’m so pissed off at this, I’m not dong the PFOT’s this week. I throw them all together next week.

God, remember when I said early on that last week’s show couldn’t get any worse? I was DEAD FUCKING WRONG.

See you next week.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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