by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

But first:

From Sylvia (Two weeks ago) –

Dear Sylvia –

I GOT A GIRL READING MY COLUMN!!!!! MY DREAM HAS COME TRUE!!!

Sure, she makes a couple of great points – I am not Scott Keith nor do I ever want to be – and that it’s Helmsley/McMahon free is a good thing, but let’s face it, the best part of this letter is that I GOT A GIRL READING MY COLUMN!!!!!

From Matt –

Dear Matt –

Let’s face it…Lita’s out, Stacy and Torrie are on SD, and Victoria is still in the minors. That leaves me with Trish, and um…Lillian. Due to that fact, Terri’s stock rises. It’s kind of like being in a nightclub after 12 p.m. You find yourself schmoozing a pig because all the hot women have either left the club or were schmoozed by another guy at 10 p.m.

On with the show!!!

I did see two women kissing!! Woo hoo!!!

We are in Edmonton Alberta Canada, and we will be honored with a ladder match between the Dood and Eddie. Also TNBT will meet up with Buh-buh. Memorial Day in WWENY shows a lot of sailors. But, let’s head to the ring.

YES!!! Thank You God!! Benoit is back!!! Raw needs him more than anything. But, wasn’t he drafted to be on SD? I’m confused.

It doesn’t matter, really, because he’s not wrestling. He’s going to get on the stick and tell everyone why he’s here…well, aside from the fact that he has to speak because of the whole contract thing. That, and because it’s his hometown. And, because he really has nothing better to do than to come here. The crowd roars for Benoit – which lasts about three minutes. Canadians love him, and he just stands there. He’s happy to be back, and I’m fucking tickled pink to have him here as well.

I beg the WWE to keep him on Raw. Please keep him here. You need to keep him in Raw or else this fed will just fold.

Out comes Eddie to talk about his own ladder match and offer a welcome back to Benoit. Eddie claims Benoit was jealous, and said he was the one with talent. This turns into a "I’m better than you are" thing, with Benoit showing that he is truly the best. Now, out comes Flair before the fisticuffs can start, and he rips on Benoit and Canadians. Apparently Austin has been benched, but Benoit hasn’t. But, he still gets thrown out of the ring. Benoit lays out Eddie for good measure, while security eats a bunch of donuts as they take their own sweet time arriving at the ring.

Benoit does what ever he wants while security acts like they want no part of this thing. Benoit leaves, but you’ll see him on Thursday – though. (Hopefully not, because he’ll want to stay here where he belongs.)

Come on. Please let Benoit stay here!!! SD! has the GaHHHme, Edge, Jericho, Angle and – if you take him away from me - Benoit. What does Raw have? Um…Austin. Eddie…RVD and – um – uh….you see my point? It’s time for a trade. GIVE US BENOIT YOU FUCKERS!!!!

I’m telling you, Trish got another boob job because they are bigger. And Lillian!!!! Holy bat-boobs, Robin – Lillian is smoking as all hell tonight!!!

We cut to backstage where Molly tells Regal that Spike is a pervert for trying to stretch a single into a double. For those of you who do not understand what second base is, it would be Spike’s hand on Molly’s extremely flat booby.

Titles are on the line for this thing by the way. Spike beats the hell out of Regal, then Trish kicks apart Molly. Then Regal beats up Trish, but not enough for a three count. Then, Trish takes the win with a back slide.

You know, they need more women on Raw. Bring up Victoria or have that chick from Tough Enough show up here. Jesus, how many times must Trish and Molly fight it out? Hell, give Lillian a pair of tights and let those two go at it.

After the match, Molly grabs the knucks from Regal and KO’s Trish. Oh well, say-la-vie.

Trish got it in the end. Serves her right.

He takes the time to announce that Big Bitch is out with an owie…and Jackie comes out for some unknown reason. This, of course, breaks into a hardcore title match. Jackie attacks Richards and goes for the hardcore title. But everyone else comes out to get involved. After a handful of falls and near falls, Perky winds up on top to become the hardcore champion. I’d say that’s fitting, considering that she is the most hardcore slut out of all the women in the fed. However, Richards wont leave well enough alone and rolls up Perky for the title – again – but only after a decent camera shot shows us Perky in her tighty-whities…or tighty-pinkies.

Bookerwheat talks a little with the rest of the fun guys, before Diesel walks in and starts to take charge. Bradshaw vs. Big Show, while the other two take on the Hardy’s. Also, the losers are out of the group. No one seems to have a problem with that, instead, Booker seems to have a problem with his entrance music. This was designed to show us that Goldie is hiding in a – bathtub I think. Whatever.

Waits for Austin.

Seems Booker got his wish and got his music back…complete with the "Sucka" line...or he didn’t get his wish and he got stuck with his old music. Not sure wish because I didn’t understand the whole thing with Nash.

Man, Lillian is smoking tonight. Do you have any idea how much I’d pay to see her in a porno? I’d sell my right kidney for that to happen.

As long as the Hardy’s showed up, I just want to say that Matt looked like an idiot on WWE Confidential. He was a total hick. But, the show was pretty good. I was stunned when I heard that Shawn Michaels actually knew about the Montreal Screw Job before the match took place. I guess I was just one of those saps that believed HBK had no knowledge of the stunt prior. He also showed me that he was one hell of an actor. He made Bret Hart believe him in the locker room.

Anyway, Jeff continues to hit like a girl and has to pay the price because of it by getting pinned by X-Fuck. Booker gets a microphone and announces the spinaroonie, and X-Fuck just stands there like a dork watching it happen.

Again, I plead with the WWE, have Benoit stay here. We need him.

Looking to get him some of the unconscious Trish…but Buh-buh is there to stand by her side. Buh-buh kicks the hell out of Heyman for his naughty thoughts. Heyman has his hat removed and shows off his severely bald head. Heyman, dude, you should have Rogained.

Dreamer wants it well known that he is normal, but eats a hot dog off the floor of the arena just to prove his point. However, he does manage to get a fan to eat the hot dog after him. However, here comes the Underbiker to steal away Dreamers spotlight…with new music.

You know, the Biker needs that belt to hide his huge friggin' gut.

Biker wants Dreamer to leave the ring, but Dreamer isn’t going. Wow, the Underbiker is actually acting well. He’s speaking normal. He’s actually funny. I’m proud of him. Dreamer and him are actually pulling this off.

Dreamer is ordered to drink the contents of Taker’s chew cup, and I think of about 100 other things I would rather drink than taker’s chew. I mean, I smoke, but chewing tobacco is just gross.

EWWWWW…. Dreamer drank it. I think I’m gonna be sick…but Dreamer announced that he likes it. That’s fucking sick. Dreamer gets his ass kicked for doing something like that…He should get his ass kicked for doing something like that. What a sick fuck.

I can’t believe that Dreamer didn’t puke up that chew when he was getting his ass kicked.

Heyman wants Brock to kick the hell out of Buh-buh. And I think he’s gonna. Whoa – Lesnar spoke!!!!

Man, Lillian is just hot as hell tonight. I’m surprised Heyman doesn’t make a move on her. I sure as hell would.

It’s mostly big man moves to start, all weight and leverage and such. Buh-buh takes the fight to Lesnar, but Lesnar rebounds. Then, a bear hug of doom could be the end of Buh-buh. But Buh-buh fights out – then a Buh-buh bomb. Buh-buh should have been rewarded the pin, but Heyman distracts the ref and jumps into the ring. He gets hit by a big Lesnar splash, but it’s not enough for a three count. Lesnar rebounds from the near fall and hits the – um – Lesnar face plant thingy for the win.

Lesnar and Heyman’s bald-head (which we are fortunate enough to see again) are the winners.

And bumps into Raven. And, Raven waxes poetic about Austin’s life. It means nothing except that Raven is back to quoting the Raven.

Remember, three weeks ago, when they let Bradshaw speak on camera? Remember how the Raw brand has basically been in the toilet since he opened his mouth three weeks ago? Notice how he doesn’t speak now? You don’t think that the whole reason Raw sucked was because Bradshaw spoke, do ya?

Okay, this is just a hard-hitting slobber-knocker – God, I’m turning into JR – with Speedy coming out the victor. So, no one gets fired or gets his ass kicked by Nash.

Too bad.

Celebrate the amazing NWO wins in the locker room. Goldy comes out wearing the colors and now he wants to be part of the team. X-Fuck scoffs, and decides that he is going to tell on Goldy. Hah!! He sounded like a two year old. That was pretty good.

The cast of TE2 is out with him and they are going to arm wrestle. The big shaved head except for a divot guy wins between the guys, while the slut is the loser for the women. This segment went over huge…about as huge as a fart in church.

They start off flirting then manage to talk about the match tonight. The Dood talks about how he’s going to climb the latter – and even uses the word trepidation…you know it’s serious because of the five-dollar word he spit out.

Waiting for Austin – here he is. Nope – it’s just the Fink. He spews while Coach looks on with disgust.

Hey, they may actually give Goldy a win here. Or, if Goldy loses, then he’s going to get his ass kicked. Hell, he may get his ass kicked for winning. Goldy gets the win pretty quickly, but out comes Nash. Goldy scurries away, while Crash gets a boot from Nash. They both fly the Wolfpac sign, but no one tells us if Goldy is in the NWO or not.

How many times do I have to tell CRZ to not call Flair during Raw? Jesus Christ…in comes Eddie looking to get out of the ladder match, but Flair isn’t buying it. Eddie looks scared about Austin and the Dood, and actually is pretty funny with the whole thing.

It’s pretty God damn early to be starting this, eh? I bet we are going to get a commercial break sometime during this match.

Okay, just to say this out loud…I’ve been waiting for this all night. Both of these guys can fly, and a ladder match is the way to exploit them at their best. I’m also betting that Eddie loses tonight because Austin would never fight for the IC title – yes, I smell an Eddie Austin PPV in the future.

They start out jaw-jacking, and then trade punches. Early on stuff that we’ve all seen before, potential match of the year spots are still forthcoming. The ladder breaks early on, which could spell the downfall of this match. Eddie goes for a chair, which gives us a nice close up of Lillian again. She is so smoking tonight.

Eddie uses chairs and other things to bring RVD down.

There are a few glitches in this match: Eddie cant seem to get Van Dam’s moves down and keeps blowing his spots.

Eddie pulls out a spare ladder comes out – this one works – and Eddie hits a nice move when he lifts the ladder to catch a RVD moonsault off the apron.

Benoit comes down to sit in the front row with his friends – even shows that he bought a ticket. And they cut to commercial while Benoit finds a seat.

The ladder comes into play during the commercial. Eddie uses it as a battering ram. Eddie has it set up and starts to climb, but Van Dam with a drop kick of the top rope to knock the ladder out. RVD goes to work on Eddie, tilt o whirl and then a thunder onto the ladder. Ladder back up – fighting back – then a sunset flip into a power slam by Eddie. Nice move. RVD slammed down hard. Beautiful move. Eddie starts to go for the belt….What the hell? Some guy climbed into the ring and actually shoved the ladder off of Eddie? Ha!!! But here comes Earl!!! Earl took the guy down with a chokehold and wrestled him out of the ring!!! AHAHAHAHA!!! Some guy in Edmonton just got his ass whipped by Earl!!! What a pud!! You- moron – if you’re reading this, I want you to know that you got your ass kicked by Earl Hebner – a 50-year-old man!!!!

Well, security also helps out while Eddie also gets a few shots in. But Earl is now my favorite wrestler!!!

Eddie looks pissed now, stalking around, waiting for the next fan to come in and knock him off the ladder. Eddie does a sunset flip onto RVD….and Eddie grabs another chair.

Eddie takes apart RVD’s legs. Van Daminator in the corner. God, this is the match of the year. Springboard moonsault onto the ladder for Eddie. Van Dam climbs but is pulled off. Then a supplex into the ladder. Eddie gets crazy on RVD, but a reversal again and Van Dam strikes back. Monkey flip sends Eddie into the ladder again – well almost. Another rolling thunder breaks Van Dam’s back. I smell a five star from the ladder. This is going to hurt…but he accidentally(?) falls off the ladder. It saved Eddie’s ass without a doubt. Eddie gets drop kicked off the top turnbuckle, and Van Dam goes after the belt. Van Dam gets the belt, and is the new IC champion.

Not the greatest ladder match of all time – by any standards – but a damn good match.

However, it’s not over yet. Eddie drives the ladder into RVD’s kidney. The glass breaks and out comes Austin. Austin kicks the hell out of Eddie, then Flair and Arn. Benoit comes in and – telegraphed - punks out Austin. Eddie pulls off the five star on Austin for the complete end.

Benoit and Eddie are back together….and Raw has a new heel. Or – SD has a new heel. Wait – they wont send him back to SD now, would they? Damn, I hope not.

A much better showing than in previous weeks. There were a few lulls, but the guys actually looked like they wanted to be here this week, and the final match was great. I give it 8 stars out of 10.

That’s it….

See you next week.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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