by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

God, when the hell did all of these bastards become such egotistical babies?

But, to the important shit:

From Michaelangelo:

And from Steve:

Got to blow a hole in your theory, when Bret left the WWF did just about EVERYTHING to bury Bret on TV for a couple of weeks. First was the whole "Bret Screwed Bret" interview that created the "Mr. McMahon" character, then Shawn and HHH had midget Bret out to "recreate" Bret's final WWF match, hell even the replay of Survivor Series was hyped as being "Bret's last match"
Sure Hogan, Savage, ect all got nothing but that was before the information explosion with the internet and the sheets, when they were released they could control the information the majority of the fans had access to, so they wrestle their last match and boom, no more mentions.
Bret became the first big name to leave in the internet/smark era and therefore EVERY one knew that when word leaked that Bret was all but signed, sealed and delivered to WCW (and knowing that WCW would promote the hell out of the signing) the WWF had to acknowledge why Bret was to be a former WWF superstar, Austin also demands that same treatment.
Of course I wonder how Austin's domestic disturbance enters into it. My guess is that if it was a work, now its a shoot, granted Vince is a bit of Father Flannagainish and all (Founder of Boys Town Foster Home/Orphanage for wayward inner city kids in New York City during the early part of the 1900's) so its not like he couldn't be let back (plus with Debra not pressing charges and all, gee she left Mongo for THIS? Proof that she IS a gold digger (note, Mongo really has gone off the deep end since she left him, saw a report on the anniversary of that Bear team that won the Super Bowl and his story is really depressing) ) but it does seem hard now to pull over the whole storyline with Austin taking his frustrations out (assuming that the fight was over his current status with the WWE) on others, specifically his "loved" ones.
Would not be surprised though if he does come back, but one wonders if he returns as a face, what will the fan reaction be? Will he be treated like he always was, even as a heel? Or will he be serenaded with "BEAT-YOUR-WIFE-AUS-TIN!" chants (or variations of)
It is a shame though, that another great run by a performer for his promotion ends, not with a great sendoff, but rather in a disgraced nature

And from Strider:

A work? Give me a break...how exactly do you go about "working" the police?

And From Scott:

And from Rickshaw:

And from Hannibal:

Anyway, you guys get the picture. So, it’s time for some explaining…

Last Tuesday, when I sat down to write last week’s SCJ, I never heard anything about Austin hitting Debra. The only sites I really look at are the OO family – including the affiliate – and the WWE site. The WWE didn’t say anything about Austin hitting Debra, while Scaia didn’t get his latest OO about the beating until I had already left work (I didn’t check the site until I got to work Tuesday, after I finished up my column.) Therefore, I was completely in the dark.

So, when I sat down to write the column, I – naturally – assumed it was a work. In fact, a small part of me still thinks that it’s a work. I truly believe that Austin left pissed off and everything was a story line the fed could have played out to their benefit. The whole thing made no logical sense to me when it went down and therefore – it must have been written.

However, I now believe that what could have been a work before is very much real. The fed wouldn’t touch Austin now if he came wrapped in cash, and if they do, they look like shit.

I also think that Austin and Debra need counseling, they should move out of the trailer park and quit watching Springer.

So, my apologies for last week, and you will never hear me say that the whole thing was an elaborate work.

But, it’s time for Raw….

Yup..they removed Austin from the opening.

BOOM! And were Live from the Gund Arena in Cleveland, Ohio.

Russo must be here, because we are not kicking off the match with wrestling.

The mid-carders are surrounding the ring awaiting the arrival of the real Squared-Circle Jerk to come out. Vinnie enters and tries to rally the troops into a new direction. He talks about how great a person he is, and spends some time telling us how great a businessman he is. He also seems to love the word ruthless aggression. It’s also evident that The Next Big Push isn’t there. Bubba will be facing Eddie tonight, while Jeff Hardy will take on the Underbiker. Vinnie also wants someone to step up to become the next Austin…well, he’s got a point. Someone needs to step up and take the baton. Out comes the NOW (doing it on purpose now, so don’t tell me how to fix it anymore) and Shawn offers up his services. Booker of course gets pissed and fires back some words in this already too long of a segment. Then, my new favorite wrestler, Goldy, comes in and announces that Booker and he are engaged. Seems a tag match is in the making here, but not before Nash makes me giggle by flipping off McMahon in a way to avoid the censors. Also, Booker and Vinnie play swapping microphones for a while.

Not a bad segment. It got the crowd going, which is what’s important. I also learn that Sucka is the newest thing to be yelled in the arena.

Lillian is looking all right tonight. I like her better when she has the short skirts on, so this pants thing is nothing special.

So, Russo was rehired by the WWE, but it seems that no one seems to really know what his job is. I wonder if we’ll see glimmers of his storylines appear on the show tonight. Will we be able to tell if they do show up? Quite possibly.

The match ends when Nowinski rolls up Bradshaw and grabs a handful of tights. Seems that the Tough Enough kid is going to get some sort of minor push.

Vinnie feels that there are a few guys who don’t belong, so he sets up a "retired from Raw" match between Raven and Dreamer. He then enters the room and that slut from Tough Enough shows off her thong for him.

Hmmm…I wonder if that was a Russo segment? Could be.

Notice how Jackie sucks in her fat a lot. Jesus girl, relax…you’re going to pass out if you don’t let it out soon.

Oops, in comes the Underbiker, and he’s all pissed off that the Rock stuck his nose into the Underbikers business at KOTR. Vinnie explains the Jeff hardy match instead and…we cut away.

This show is turning boring pretty quick.

Buh-buh already sets up a table…and Eddie takes his time getting to the ring. But, we cut back to the back where…

He has some ruthless aggression and Perky is scared. Then he comes out, making us jump back to…

I guess the GaHHHme was sent to Birmingham to have his elbow/knee checked. Oh well, the injuries mount up for Hunter.

Buh-buh calls for the tables early, but a quick roll up and a pin for Eddie shows that Russo’s ideas of quick matches are starting to show up on television.

Eddie calls for the tables, but Buh-Buh powerbombs him through the wood. Benoit comes down to slap on a cross face, prompting Buh-buh to go to sleep in the center of the ring.

The Crocodile Hunter made a movie? Can I ask why?

Rey-Rey is on his way…gotta love that.

Speaking of the Crocodile Hunter, out comes Crocodile Goldy, and he’s hunting mid-carders. We see a fat mid-carder sleeping on a couch, while a greasy mid-carder walks out of the washroom. After some funny lines, the chase ensues. Of course, Speedy dreams of food in his sleep. Oh, the hilarity of it all. My sides are killing me from this!!!!

Jesus, you know it’s bad when they let these two have a speaking engagement for three minutes. Unfortunately, I don’t speak hick, so I have no idea when they just said.

Being chased by X-Fuck. He turns a corner and WHAM – the old 1/8-inch cookie sheet right to the head ends the problem. Oh man, this is great. And a SUCKAAAAAA!!! To end it!!! Oh – dude – my vote for segment of the year right there.

Did I say before that Goldy is my new favorite character? I spoke too soon.

Hmm…I’m picking Raven over Dreamer. I don’t know why so don’t ask. As I watch, I notice exactly how quiet the arena has gotten for this match. I think the crowd is definitely fallen asleep here. Remember the days when these two used to get together in ECW and light the arena up? I wonder what happened to that? My, how far these two have fallen.

Anyway, Dreamer picks up the win and we never have to talk about Raven here again.

In the back waiting to be crowned for winning the King of the Ring. By the way – check the archives. I picked Lesnar to win before anyone else did. That makes me special.

Is escorted out of the building. He seems pissed off, but Matt Hardy wants some revenge for what happened last week. Raven gets tossed onto a car, Matt does some hick-speak, and it’s over.

The above happened.

The red carpet is out on the canvas, so you know this is a special moment.

Lesnar won the King of the Ring, and I am officially announcing that he and RVD are the only two things this show has got going for it at this point. Lesnar will be heading to Summer Slam while Heyman takes credit for everything. Lesnar comes out to receive the prize, but in the middle of the segment (we knew it was coming) RVD attacks and breaks up the coronation. This shit happens, people, you know that.

Vinnie sets up a match between RVD and Lesnar for the IC title. I see where this is going. Before they can give Lesnar a real push, they need to strap a belt around his waist. So, it seems to me that RVD’s belt will be sacrificed to the Next Big Push. It also seems like Lesnar wants to speak, but Heyman keeps getting cut off. That will become an issue at some point between the two when they want to turn Lesnar face.

First, there’s a replay showing everything that has transpired over the past month. Then, the squash ensues. Biker almost dropped Jeff during the chokeslam on the floor, causing JR to say that Hardy has been busted open: "Well, not busted open, but busted apart from the inside. Well, what I really meant was that…" This was a waste of a match, with the only bit of special-ness derived from it is that the two will meet in a ladder match for the title next week. Jeff sounded like he was going to cry while begging for the match…well, when you hit like a girl, all the emotions come over.

You figure with all of this ruthless aggression going on, I wouldn’t be so bored right now.

Trish has been calling Molly a fat ass, but Trish needs to take a hard look at her own trunk for once. She hasn’t exactly been hitting the Thighmaster herself recently.

I would also like to add that Jackie from Tough Enough is the hottest chick in the ring right now. Something about the wrestling attire she is sporting is causing me to sport something else.

Words of bitching going pre-empt the bout, but then blows come from the fat asses. Multiple tags, and I see that the TE chicks are only capable of doing arm bars this early in their careers. The match turns into a snoozer. The high spots aren’t really high and the low points are everywhere. Trish wins it with a Stratusfaction bulldog and the match ends. But, I’m almost asleep at this point.

Jerk off over the new bikini issue of the Raw Magazine. They talk and shit, but I’m really not paying attention. I wonder how the Cubs are doing tonight? .

RVD is saying that he is always intense in front of his fans, but is cut off by The Next Big Push. WHOA…Lesnar just told Heyman to shut up, then he spoke!!!! You saw it right here folks, Lesnar speaks. However, in retrospect, I now know why Heyman speaks for him. He sounds like a pussy.

Where Nash psyches them up for no reason. Whatever.

You know, the one guy this company should be pushing is Goldy. He’s got a great character and now that they found his comedic side, hilarity ensues every damn time he takes the microphone.

Anyway, this was a "put Booker over" match, even though it ends when Speedy chokeslams Goldy for the three count. Nash and Michaels make love in the back (Was that a kiss?) while Speedy and X-Fuck hug in the ring.

And, just to let you know, I hit fuh-fuh-ward through the whole thing.

Lesnar spends the entire match kicking around RVD, until the very end, when RVD mounts a comeback. But, it’s time for me to end this. I am soooo bored. The whole show started off with some promise but…well, I should save that for the overall. The match ends with a DQ because Heyman got involved, but Lesnar puts RVD through an announcer’s table conveniently right before the credits. It wasn’t a bad match, but the show just became boring to the point where nothing could save it.

Raw still has problems…many problems. I mean, if we were accountants and did this stuff by the numbers, and we listed their assets next to their liabilities like accountants do, it would honestly look like the fed should declare bankruptcy. You’ve got Lesnar, RVD and Booker as assets…Goldy is hanging on, but lets face it, the rest is a liability. I understand that they are going through a tough time, and that they are doing whatever they can to bring the program back, but some trades need to be made from SD to make this thing float on it’s own. The show RAW is what put the WWE on the map…but right now, this show is bringing the fed down, and they need to stop the bleeding before the wound can heel. Anyway, tonight’s show is about a three – it was total boredom.

I gotta give it to Lesnar. Lesnar actually spoke, had a decent match and was all over the program. Vinnie was a driving force in the program, and so was RVD, but Lesnar really showed me a lot of confidence while wrestling tonight, and is ready to take the next step.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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