by Moses Gates
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Two quick predictions: Within the next month or so Austin’s entrance music will start with "What?" and Albert’s Chyron will read "Hip Hop Hippo."   Hey, at least it seems that the "Zoo Crew" lasted about as long as "Canadian Country."   Be thankful for small miracles during this Holiday Season!

Speaking of the Holiday Season, can the WWF not get the Rock to sit down for 10 seconds in a Santa hat and say "Happy Holidays?"   So far I’ve seen WWF superstars Spike Dudley, Hugh Morris, Big Show, and D-Von Dudley do Holiday promos.   That’s really pulling out the big guns there Vince.   What, is the Rock too good for Christmas or something?

A funny moment happened when watching RAW with my dad and brother (nothing like a little family bonding over pro-wrestling).   My father saw Ric Flair and immediately exclaimed "he got a facelift."   After taking a step back, I was inclined to agree.   Can anyone prove or disprove this?   

Both the Spinaroonie and Ivory’s "rear window pants" are back!    Thanks to Jonny X’s Jakked recap both for letting me know that the greatest women’s champion of all time has returned, and for coining the term "rear window pants."  

I also might add I was into Ivory WAY before Rick Scaia.   At least, WAY before I started reading Rick Scaia’s column.

Well, last week I promised to talk about the entrance music remixes, so here goes.   In case you haven’t noticed, since the Survivor Series there have been a lot of face/heel turns.   And to accompany those face/heel turns have been entrance music remixes or overhalls.

My thoughts?   Mostly hate them.   Tweaking entrance music (and entrances in general) usually reflects a change in the character.   And usually I like the changes.   But lately the WWF has been hitting us over the head way too hard with the entrance music remixes. 

Take my favorite example, William Regal.   He’s a British snob, not Darth Vader.   His new music doesn’t reflect his character.   It only serves to make sure we understand he’s a bad guy, but come on, we would understand he’s a bad guy even if he came out to theme from Family Ties.   I’m not saying I liked the old music any better (which he also used when he was playing much the same heel character he’s playing now), but at least something British should be used.   I’m thinking an entrance theme in the vein of the British Bulldog’s old music would be appropriate.  

Kurt Angle, the Undertaker (although somewhat subtly) & Stone Cold are all top-level guys who have undergone a face or heel turn, and had their music tweaked accordingly.   Taker’s is really too subtle to make a difference, but Austin and Angle’s are definitely noticeable.   Angle’s sounds kind of cool (funky!), but again, doesn’t really fit with his character so well, and only serves to say "remember, this guy’s a bad guy."    But the tweak I have the most problem with is Stone Cold’s.

The worst mistake the WWF can make is to take the show, and the characters, backward.   There have been a few instances in the past where old entrance music has returned, but it’s usually just because the new entrance music really sucked.   Remember the Undertaker’s screeching guitar solo that made you want to jump out the window?   In this case, however, it seems like the entrance music has returned in order to say "here is the old Stone Cold that we like again."   And the worst part about it is that Stone Cold’s character hasn’t regressed.   He’s added a few catchphrases, tweaked his character a bit, and really isn’t the same as before his WrestleMania turn.  

I have to say as a disclaimer, the WWF entrance music has almost always impressed me.   They get a dud every once in a while (hey, that’s another column), but generally they manage to create original music that is catchy without being annoying, grabs your attention right away, and manages to convey a sense of the specific character who is using the music.   But lately the remixes smack somewhat of a lazy composer in the back, using cheap musical tricks instead of coming up with appropriate stuff unique to each character.   Hey, that’s OK.   We all hit creative walls.   But if you are at one, just leave well enough alone and don’t try to force it.   And above all, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Here, I’m referring to the idiotic decision to put "Whoo!" in front of "Thus Sprach Zarathustra."   I understand that the WWF likes to put a little catch phrase or sound effect in front of entrance music in order to make the wrestler instantly identifiable.   The quicker the audience knows a particular wrestler is on his way, the bigger pop that wrestler gets.   The glass breaks, the tires screech, you smell what the Rock is cooking, and the roof blows off the place.   But for God’s sake, any idiot in attendance knows that "2001=Ric Flair."   There is zero reason to put "Whoo!" in there.

In other news, following up from my first column, it’s been a couple of weeks and Chris Jericho is still carrying around both belts (Love both the entrance pose and the double-belts across shoulders pose by the way).   So it looks like the WCW belt is going to survive after all.   I’m assuming each belt will be the flagship belt of one promotion after the much-ballyhooed "split."    I’m guessing a match (and an ending) will take place that’s similar to the Angle/Jericho/Benoit "Euro-Continental Title" match, with two falls, each winner getting one belt.   By having, say, Stone Cold pin the Rock for one belt, and the Rock pin Stone Cold for another, it lets both new champions come out equal, and also lets Jericho keep his heat.   Another option is to strip Jericho of one of the belts for the new promotion (and that can go through various storyline shenanigans in the process) and then put it up for grabs in the Royal Rumble, similar to 1992.

Am I the only one thinking that the next step in the Flair/Jericho feud is Flair bringing up the fact that he held the NWA title, was never defeated for it, and then won the WWF title, actually making HIM the first ever Undisputed Champion?   A tiny bit of revisionist history and I think it’ll work.  

Apparently the WWF wants to have its cake and eat it too concerning this whole "Undisputed Championship" thing with Jericho is referring to it as the "WWF Undisputed Championship."   So I guess we are back to WWF-World, where other wrestling promotions do not exist.   Other wrestling promotions have never existed.   There is only the WWF.   There has always been only the WWF.   That belt was always the World Title.   There never was a "WCW Title."   There never was a "WCW."    I Love Big Brother.

This doesn’t really jibe to well with the whole concept of the "Undisputed Champion."   Of course, maybe it’s just semantics and I’m the only one stupid enough to care about it.

I also wonder if the US Title and WCW Tag Titles will be revived for the new league.   Personally, my favorite scenario has the WCW, U.S., WCW Tag-Team, and Cruiserweight titles in one league, and the WWF, IC, WWF  Tag-Team, and Hardcore titles in the other.   That way they each get a primary, secondary, tag-team, and separate gimmicky division title (which also serves to separate the two leagues from each other and give them their separate niche).   That’s a good amount.   The European Title can go back to being defended only in Europe.   And the Light-Heavyweight title can go the way of the "Hulk Hogan Memorial Title."    That is easily the worst looking belt out there.   It looks like someone took a real belt and squeezed it into half the width.    It totally says "minor-league."  

Sorry, no more delving into fantasy booking, I promise!   Although technically that last paragraph wasn’t about the plots, characters, or wrestling so it’s Kosher.

Here’s the bi-weekly rundown.

Stone Cold’s new "Alcohol-Fueled Whup-Ass Machine" shirt and leather vest (he the vest last SmackDown!) – Hate them.    Not only is it a dumb catch-phrase, it’s a dumb catch phrase Austin has used once at the most.   Of course, that’s not just an Austin thing.   I know I’ve never heard the Rock say  "Those of us who are truly brave will never live in fear."   That’s deep Rocky.

Anyway, [email protected] has a much better idea for a Stone Cold shirt:

The "What?" T-shirt should have some good legs, but I think WWF needs to capitalize further on the catchphrase by building a shirt to his "dinner menu" (from the current Raw - ask CRZ for it) or his "Grocery list" from Smackdown.

You know – "A Chili Cheese Dog…A bag of Fritos…A shot of whiskey…etc."    Put that on the front with a big "What?" on the back and I think you’ve got yourself a best seller.

The Rock’s Brahma Bull Belt Buckle – Hate it.   Good God, that thing belongs in Graceland.   Might be OK if Rock was a heel.  

Rock’s powder blue tights – Torn.   Anything’s better than the dark pink monstrosity he’s had been wearing, but someone needs to enforce a "no pastels" rule for tights.   That goes for Christian’s horrid lavender and magenta outfit also - although I dug the gold bracelets.

The official Royal Rumble song being done by Kid Rock – Torn.   Maybe Rick can fill us in on who exactly makes money from whom on those cross-promotional deals with entrance music and PPV themes from famous bands.   I actually like the concept of each PPV having its own theme, but really couldn’t care less if it’s from a famous artist or the WWF production team.   I’d also like a little more diversity than what suburban 15-year olds happened to be listening to last month.   Kid Rock?  Not much of an opinion, although being from Michigan I do remember his late eighties/early nineties hip-hop stuff with a bit of fondness.  

New Royal Rumble Graphic – Love it.   A bit generic, but I totally dig the moving "Royal Rumble" in the background.  

In case you missed it: From the Dec. 13th SmackDown! – Rocky AGAIN did the People’s Elbow facing the camera - and threw in a triple leg flourish for the first time in quite a while to boot!   Bananas are going for 59 cents/pound.   Ric Flair has a Samsung model SCH-8500 cell phone (OK, so I only know this because it’s the same as mine).   Crash Bandicoot is now sponsoring the "Smash of the Week."   The WWF has decided (quite wisely) to get rid of the "Tazz in Seattle" entrance.   I’m guessing this is because of time the fog machine filled up the ring.

From the Dec 17th Raw – The WWF had one of those "no cursing" nights (I’m guessing this has something to do with the sponsors but I really don’t know), with copious use of the word "butt" and Lawler pulling out "snowball’s chance in Hades."   I wonder if Jericho got in trouble for getting a "bastard" on the air during the main event.   I’m pretty sure I saw a wedding ring on Booker – putting an end to the "Is he married or not" question - during the Church skit, but it might have been a class ring.   In the main event, both wrestlers (RVD and Jericho) had their last names on the side of their boots.

From the Dec. 20th Raw – There is no way the Undertaker missed the "Undertaker Please Retire" sign about 5 feet from his face during the match.   The Rock once again messed up by claiming he was "Live, Live, LIVE, on the Rock’s show SmackDown!" prompting an all-too-rare good line from Cole "well, it IS the Rock’s show."   Way to go MC!

A bit of housekeeping.    Thanks to the folks at the CRZ EZ-Board for letting me know that they had seen a few things before (such as the APA’s "Bar and Brothel Always Open" shirt) that I thought might be new.  

Finally, I’m off to Merry Olde England for a couple weeks, so I’ll be reporting next column on the little differences (if any) between the American and British versions of the WWF.   But keep in mind that the Brit WWF schedule is different from the good-old U.S.A.’s, and I might miss a show or two.   Toodle-Ooo Guv’nor! , 

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