by Moses Gates
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Ok, I know it’s been years since HHH has played the “Greenwich Snob” character.   But they still announce him as being from “Greenwich, Connecticut,” and occasionally allude to his past, so it’s still the same character.   Given that, I want to know why in the world HHH had to use a clip on (well, more like a clip-around) bowtie for his “renewal vows.”   You’re telling me the one-time cream of society doesn’t know how to tie a bow tie?   Well, I guess Ted DiBiase wore a paper tux shirt despite being a millionaire, so it isn’t that bad.

By the way guys, if you really want to impress the Significant Other for Valentine’s Day, learn how to tie a real bow tie.   Trust me, the lady (or gent if you’re so inclined) will think they’re dating James Bond (note: this only applies if you’re wearing a tux.   Otherwise you’ll look like The Nutty Professor).   Don’t know how?   Find out here: http://www.formalwear.org/public/resources/bowtie.html

Also, don’t try to be smooth by ordering a Martini unless you’re at least 35.   You’ll just sound like an idiot.   Order a Scotch on the Rocks instead.   It’s smooth, non-pretentious, and also has a bit of a more manly edge to it.  

Oh, what the hell do I know?   I don’t even celebrate the stupid holiday (and I’m married).   I’m watching SmackDown tonight!   By my Damn Self!   You guys are all suckers.

Anyway, here’s the rundown for the latest additions.

Maven’s new entrance – Torn.   Whatever, it’s an entrance.   Sorry for the Scott Keith-esque critique, but I can’t really think of anything better.

WWF history vignette – Loved it.   Go read the 338 other opinions of it on the net.   I agree.

No Way Out graphic and music – Hate it.   First of all, it looks like they took the graphic from Owen Hart’s old tights.   Second, they already used the “same designs moving in the background” effect for the Royal Rumble graphic.   And the theme song is pretty generic also.

Hurricane’s mask – Hate it.   I’m guessing this was developed because it’s a pain to do all that face paint, but I think it looks a lot dumber.   If you’re going to have a mask, at least hide the humongous straps that hold it in place.

Small arenas – Hate them.   I couldn’t believe the difference a small arena (like the one on the last RAW) makes.   It makes the show look completely bush league when you can see the ceilings in the same shot as the ring.   I always thought it was more production values and stuff that did it, but I now know arena size plays a huge part.   It looked like an ECW event in there.

New commercials – Torn.   I’ve actually only seen the Angle 1-800-CALL-ATT one, so let me get back to you on these.

Steph’s crimpy ‘do – Hate it.   Just when I thought her hair couldn’t get worse.   Also her boobs looked just like Chyna’s in that dress (and that’s not a good thing).   Speaking of Chyna, she did a commercial for something I forget, and it looks like she’s lost a ton of muscle and is getting her pre-surgery jaw back.

nWo vignettes – Torn.   Kind of cool, but also pretty darn redundant.   I’d like a little speaking or something.   The Black and White is a neat effect, but also makes it kind of hard to watch at times.   And Hulk Hogan looks like a Muppet at the end when he does the “4-Life” thing.

In case you missed it (I took bad notes, so I’m not sure of what episodes are what):

Regal has new, even more Darth Vader-like music – Godfather is announced as being from “Las Vegas, Nevada”... DDP has his pyro back (different from his WCW one though)... A rollerball commercial has Edge’s music in it... I’m guessing that was a wedding ring Undertaker was wearing around his neck... Taker’s jacket said “Deadman, Inc. Worldwide”... Taker also looks like he had a nose piercing... Scotty II Hotty has a goatee (Hate it)... Christian got his full pyro (2 gold showers from the ceiling, one from the ground) once, he usually only gets the 2 ceiling showers... Goldust’s entrance has a small pyro (purple sparklies) that I don’t think was in the original... Tazz’s music now has rap lyrics, straining my theory that he’s going back to his original music soon... there’s a pretty cool “WWF” graphic they’re using for scene fades in recaps now...  I thought the priest at the ceremony was Charles Robinson at first.

That’s it for now.   Happy Valentine’s day for everyone who has to celebrate such stupid shit.   Hope you get some nookie!   Because if I went through the trouble of learning how to tie a bow tie and didn’t get any, I’d be pissed. 

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