by Moses Gates
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Well folks, Rick completely stole my opening by pointing in out in O.O. that the clock in the "David Flair gets a prison-style beating" segment said it was the afternoon despite the fact that the Undertaker said he had paid David a visit "this morning."    As a result, I'm going to have to result to the of-so-overused "let's look at the letters I got" opening.   By the way, the clock said 4:35, not "5:30," as Rick suggested.   Anyway:

 "[email protected]" (I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this guy doesn't get laid a whole lot) writes:

hardys aint wearin glow in the dark stuff...they're using a friggin blacklight... and its "Wrestlemain Eighteen"...not wrestlemania "times eight" ..LOL.... better luck next time

OK.   As a relatively young and un-jaded columnist, I do still wade through e-mails like this one in order to try to get the mildly salient point – namely that I wouldn't be surprised if indeed the Hardys' entrance made use of a blacklight.   However, it's been a
while since I've listened to Pink Floyd and smoked pot in a dorm room, so I really can't confirm this theory.

However, I'm not going to be a relatively young and un-jaded columnist for too much longer.   So starting now, when I get e-mails that read like they were written while under the influence of copious amounts of liquor, and/or under-education, I'm just ignoring them.   Which is a shame, because as you can see above, sometimes there is something salvageable in all that mess.   Kind of like Scott Hall, come to think of it.  

And for all of you who wrote (and even posted on the O.O. message boards) about my goof concerning the hand a wedding ring is worn on, let me please clarify that it was just an idiot mistake.   As an ultra-sensitive, egalitarian, new-millennium male, I not only wear a wedding ring on my left hand, but I also wore an engagement ring on my left hand for over a year before that (Boy Meets World style).   Cole, Christian, and King's rings were on their left hands.

On the wedding ring topic, [email protected] wrote me suggesting that the big gold smoking skull ring that Austin was wearing is his wedding ring (which is also why it isn't on ShopZone).   While I have no way of knowing if this is true or not, I can say that if my wife decided to wear a huge gold skull with ruby eyes as an eternal reminder of our love, I might have some issues with that.   But hey, to each their own.

And here, as an added bonus, is an e-mail from my mother:

Framing his package?   FRAMING HIS PACKAGE!?   Who taught you to write like this?

Also, your grandmother says you write cute.

That's right folks, I've got to be the only Internet wrestling columnist whose grandmother reads his column.   I don't get it either.   But I've got to admit, for some reason it does make me feel all warm in mushy inside.   Feel the love.

OK, enough about me, more about Billy & Chuck!

Billy and Chuck's Red Bathrobes – Torn.   I like the color, but their names on the back need to be in a fancier font.   Currently those robes say "second-rate boxers."   They should say "The most fabulous WWF tag-team champions of all time!"   Also disappointing is the fact that Chuck's headband now reads "Chuck" instead of "Chucky," so I no longer have an excuse to continue to call him that.   Plus, for some reason, Chuck still has his pigtails in the pre-match promo graphic.   Geez, get on that production team! Really!  

New T-Shirts – Hate them.   For some reason, there has been a dearth of new T-Shirts with second-rate catchphrases on them.   RVD's got a "Whatever" one, Edge has an "Are you an Edge-Head" one, Jericho has a "Larger than Life" one, HHH has a "Screw the Rules, Play the Game" one, and the Hardy Boyz and Lita have a "3Extreme" one.   Guys, you get the catchphrase over in order to sell the shirt, not vice-versa.   On the other hand, Vince is the marketing genius, not me.

The Rock's music video – Hated it.   Enough. ENOUGH!   Yes, the HHH video was a great way to re-introduce him after his 9-month absence.    Yes, the WWF history video was a touching ride down memory lane.   I suppose you could even argue that the Wrestlemania and Hulk Hogan videos were OK and somewhat necessary.   But the Rock was gone 2 weeks as part of an angle.   He does not need a music video.   The WWF really needs to take a break from these things for a while.

Entrance videos being shown on the entrance ramp screen – Love it.   Usually when the wrestlers come out, the small screen immediately behind the ramp (the one that you can see behind the wrestlers when they show them coming out) has the WWF logo on it.   But lately, they've been showing the wrestlers' entrance video on it every once in a while.   I think this is a great idea, as the TV audience can't see the TitanTron from most of the camera angles during entrances, and this way we get to see more of the video.   I don't understand why they don't always show the video on that screen.

And finally, In Case You Missed It:

• From the March 4th RAW – Scotty II Hotty and Albert's music has someone saying "that was interesting" spliced into it…Albert's pants always seem to go with Jericho's shirts…Goldust seems to have lost the gold glitter falling from the sky during the entrance …I swear I saw the Godfather smoking a cigarette when they showed him dancing in WWF New York…Jazz has 3 tattoos I've seen so far – left boob, right ankle, and right shoulder…Undertaker was wearing another one of his weird hoodies you can't get on ShopZone.   This one said "Support "81" Salem…David Flair seems to have taken hair advice from the worst source on earth, Michael Cole…nice touch by the WWF using the Texas Longhorn logo to double as a "Brahma Bull" logo for the Rock in the locker room…Spike's got a new TitanTron video…I hadn't seen the "strobe-lighting while the cage comes down" effect in a while, but I still dig it… SCSA's beer cooler has a smoking skull on it.   Jesus, his wedding ring and now his beer cooler?   I wonder if he paints a smoking skull on his cat also.
   

• From the March 10th Heat – In addition to Albert, Edge now also seems to be wearing Chris Jericho's hand-me-downs.
   

• From the March 11th RAW – Lucie looked to be a (real fat) Victorian Bulldog, instead of the more common English Bulldog.   I wonder if she's related to Matilda?   Heck, maybe she IS Matilda, as the WWF never seems to get rid of anything.   I mean, they still had the GobbledyGooker costume 10 years later…Stacy Kiebler is now entering to "Legs" by Kid Rock.   Sounds the damn same as the ZZ Top version if you ask me…Scott Hall was sporting a patch on his left boob.   In his RAW recap, CRZ wondered if it might be a
  Nicoderm patch.   All I can say is that if Scott Hall is over 40, a drunk, AND smokes cigarettes, I am damn impressed with the fact that he's still in that kind of shape.   Also, there was speculation over at the wienerville forum that the patch might have been an Anabuse patch.   I'm most inclined to think it was a band-aid myself.
   

• From the March 14th SmackDown! – Lita has a tattoo on her upper back…Test's music was tweaked a bit…OK, for all of those Michael Cole haters out there (although I have to say that I'm not among them), here's one more for you.   When Al Snow did the bowling ball to the groin spot, Michael Cole called him a "regular Earl Anthony."   But Snow bowled with his right hand, and Anthony, as everyone knows, was a lefty.   What?   You didn't know that?   You obviously didn't suffer from insomnia in the 1980s.
   

• From the March 18th RAW – During the opening "Dudleys" style pyro, you can see the strings the fireballs are coming down on…Hogan's nWo shirt has the old-school rips in the back…Lita has a new (sucky) entrance with music by some band nobody's ever heard of (I'll probably get some flames for this one…I refer you to the third paragraph please)…Angle's added a fifth color (black) to his scheme.   You know, any attempts at the "dark" Angle always suck, so I'm hoping they wise up quickly and ditch it, like they did with his "Funky Patriot" music…The Backlash graphic is the same as last year.   It's a cool graphic though, and it does get away from the "name of the PPV both in the foreground and moving around in the background" motif they've had for the last three PPV graphics…Billy and Chuck are going with a yellow motif now (Love it!)…The back of Hall's tights said "hAll," although I have to give credit and tell you that the Cubs Fan beat me to this one in his RAW recap…I dig Brock Lesnar's tattoo.   Brock Lesnar, however, looks like Crash Holly's head on Scott Steiner's body…I wonder how much longer they'll have Hogan come out to "Voodoo Chile."   Between that and calling him "Hulk" again, they're cutting a pretty hefty royalties check every week.
  

Well, I would say "till two weeks from now," but I have to admit this is getting more into the once every two-and-a-half to three weeks mode.   On the other hand, I'm still beating most of the other columnists on this site.   I mean, when was the last time you've seen "the Devil's Due" or "The Mac Files?"   And no, that doesn't mean they have more of a life than I do.   OK, it probably does.   But that's still no excuse!

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