"It's Torch readers like Kyle who always look at bright side, who restore my faith in wrestling fans"
              - Bruce Mitchell, the Torch

Writing wrestling commentary can be a hard job. Spending every waking moment constructing "Six Degrees of Separation" scenarios to explain why Triple H is responsible for Gangrel's lack of success leaves very little time for a social life. Thus, I thought I'd be a nice guy and invite several web journalists over to my house for a quiet evening of beer and "the Simpsons". Hell, I have to get SOME use out of that "First Season" DVD I got for Christmas, right?

So with nothing but Generosity and Good Will in my heart, I jumped in my lime green 57' Ford Fairlane, and rounded up Scott Keith, Eric Szulczewski, Bruce Mitchell, CRZ, Hyatte, and a random Torch reader that I found rummaging through the dumpsters out back of the local liquor store.

Soon we were ensconced comfortably in front of my big screen TV, loading up on cigars and Corona. All except Hyatte, who isn't old enough. What follows is an edited for content recap of my night out with the boys!

The credits roll! Things go quite nicely up until the "Bart writes on the blackboard" segment. Inexplicably, CRZ had hit the 'pause' button on the remote.
Me: Uh, Zed, what the HELL are you doing?
CRZ: "I'm TRANSCRIBING, man."
I look over his shoulder. He'd written "Opening PYRO, BIG BLUE MARGE passes THE THUMB SUCKIN' KID through a grocery scanner. Hilarity ensues. POINTY HAIRED BART-MAN is WRITING! "I will not mouth off in class. I will not mouth off in class. I will not mouth off in class."
Me: "Zed, do you REALLY need to write EVERY occurrence of..."
CRZ: "QUIET! Damn, now I've lost count."
With this he scribbled out his notes, and started again. A half hour later, he allowed us to continue watching the program.

The show opens with Homer asleep at his desk at the power plant. We pan back to see that Mr. Burns is watching him on Remote T.V.
Suddenly, Scott Keith snorts derisively from his bean bag.
Scott: "When will they learn that NOBODY CARES about 'manager' segments?
Bruce Mitchell: "Yeah. Note to Matt Groening, get Mr. Burns off my T.V. screen. You want to know what ALL 'Mr. Burns' segments have in common? They don't pull any money!
Hyatte: "Fuckin' Mr. Burns and his Fuckin' homo friend, Fuckin' Smithers"
Eric: "U RA FAGGORT. Burns RA FAGGORT. EVERY1 RA FAGGORT."
Random Torch Reader: "What a waste of time. This is SO Reminiscent of the Downward Spiral of the Dying Days of Beavis and Butthead."

Meanwhile on screen, Homer has left work and has ended up at Moe's Tavern. They discuss Moe's problems with women. Homer makes a joke.
Scott: "DUD."
CRZ: "What was the point of this?"
Bruce Mitchell: "Skit was there."
Random Torch Reader: "Good for what it was."
Hyatte: "Fuckin' did I tell you about my fuckin' trip to fuckin' Canada? Only two more years and I can fuckin' drink there legally!"
Eric: "Death to George Bush! HE RA FAGGORT. Look, I'm abrasive!"

Onscreen, the scene has shifted from Homer to Bart in Mrs. Crabapple's class. Bart is making fun of Principle Skinner.
Random Torch Reader: "Well, if it isn't that roided no-talent asshole Bart, hogging all the T.V. time. It makes me sick that guys like Milhous barely get any T.V. time, while this boot-licking whiner gets three or four skits a show."
Bruce Mitchell: "Bart wouldn't even be ON the show if Groening hadn't shoved him down our throats for the first eight seasons. It was guys like… uh, the bald kid and the kid that says "ha-ha!" a lot who are responsible for Bart's current success."
Eric: "Everyone knows that Bart uses his Backstage Pull to hold down Maggie. Did I mention BART RA FAGGORT?"
Hyatte: "Mom says next year I can get a tattoo."
The conversation stopped dead. We all kinda stared at Hyatte a minute. Finally, the silence was broken:
CRZ: "Hold on, did he say "eat my shorts" or "meet my orts?" Can we rewind the tape a little?"

Back on screen, Homer has taken a wacky second job as manager of the local crematorium. Barney is helping him load corpses in the furnace.
Scott: (groaning loudly) "Good lord, they're using the 'Homer gets a second wacky job' angle again? You know what all these 'Homer takes a second wacky job' skits have in common?"
Bruce Mitchell: "None of them draw any money!"
Scott: "EXACTLY!"
Random Torch Reader: "Are we supposed to forget that Homer isn't allowed near crematoriums, due to his mishandling of other civic jobs such as 'trashman' and 'snow plow operator"? Where's the continuity? This is SO Reminiscent of the Downward Spiral of the Dying Days of "Green Acres".
Eric: "I'd like to take this opportunity to discuss my feelings regarding Reganomics. It was the FAGGORT Republicans with their FAGGORT mind control rays that initially turned us into a country full of FAGGORTS who…"
At this point I swiftly beat Eric into a coma and duct taped his mouth to the ass of my Scottish terrier, Spunky. I'm all about freedom of expression, but damn, the guy is just NUTS.

We turned our attention back to the T.V., where Selma is about to marry Sideshow Bob.
CRZ: "That's it, I QUIT."
Me: "Huh?"
Scott Keith: "Damn straight. Kelsey Grammar is responsible for the death of "Cheers" because of his backstage politics with Ted Danson, and damned if I'll sit here and watch as he DEGRADES and DEFILES yet another series!"
Random Torch Reader: "Besides, he's only screwing Selma to get her stock in the Little Lisa's Fish Slurry company. Fuck Kelsey Grammar!"
Me: "Uhm, no offense guys, but it appears to me that you're forgetting that this is just a T.V. show. Kelsey Grammar isn't really Sideshow Bob, and his rumored relationship with Ted Danson has nothing to do with "The Simpsons". Oh, and he can't really marry Selma, because she's a cartoon character."
Scott: *snort*. You're such a Mark. This whole 'Sideshow Bob marrying Selma' thing is clearly a reference the fact that James L. Brooks, who produces the Simpsons, also produced "As Good As It Gets", which stared Helen Hunt. Why did they waste our time with this, when only three people will get it?"
Random Torch Reader: (giggling, while holding hand over mouth) "You don't know ANYTHING about the Simpsons! Sideshow Bob has had heat with Bart ever since Bart testified against him and sent him to jail!"
Bruce Mitchell: "JOKES! I'm watching this for JOKES! You know why the Simpsons are dying? It's because we tune in to watch jokes, and instead we get all these boring references to Ted Danson."
Hyatte: "Fuckin' Kelsey Fuckin' Grammar."
CRZ: "How do you spell 'Fish Slurry'? Is it 'y' or 'ie'?"

Finally, the show reached its conclusion. I breathed a sigh of relief, hoping that my guests would leave soon, allowing me to dispose of Eric's body. But such was not to be. Scott swiveled his ponderous bulk towards us, and began to pontificate.
Scott: "Thumbs in the middle. The beginning would have been good, if they would of cut the useless 'Mr. Burns' skits. Can anyone tell me what Chris Benoit… uh, 'Krusty the Clown' is doing playing second fiddle to Itchy and Scratchy? More Benoit! Benoit, Benoit. Benoit Benoit Benoit."
At this point, Scott broke down entirely, and spent the rest of the evening huddled in a corner repeating "Benoit" endlessly to himself. At one point, he actually attempted to carve "Benoit" into his own prefrontal lobe, using a corkscrew and a nail file.
Bruce: "Homer is fat. Damn, that Homer is FAT. Have I mentioned how FAT Homer has become? FAT. I wish the Simpsons would focus more on jokes, instead of how FAT Homer is."
Me: "I'm out of duct tape. Would you mind if I just stapled your lips to Eric's ass?
CRZ: "Are people asking about me yet? Do they want to know where I am? Are they worried that I actually QUIT this time, unlike the 6,582 other times I've quit, only to show up the very next week?"
Hyatte: "Wait, the show's over? I was preoccupied looking up new profanities in 'The Idiot's Guide to Cursing'."
Random Torch Fan: "2.0. This show sucked. Triple H is responsible."
Me: "If you need me, I'll be outside chaining the doors and setting the house on fire…"

Next week, we take a look at the Smarkies mail bag, wherein we answer the burning question: is Kyle a Mark? Are women smarter than men? Am I 10 or 14? Stay tuned for this and much, much more! In the meantime, check out ITVR.