by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Without spoiling anything, the inference is that the first time we see them in the flesh will be at the PPV.  It'll all just be a big tease till then.

But that said, we gotta get on to spoiling things for you.  It's your last chance to turn back, now, otherwise, you'll get the full results of Thursday's UPN broadcast dropped on you.

For those who want to ruin the show, I now present you with the detailed report sent in by OO Reader Robert Hucknell, who points out that he wants his e-mail address listed as [email protected], cuz that's where he likes his SPAM to go.  Fellow OO Readers, you are now SPAM!  Lowly SPAM!  

Here's Rob's report:

I thought I'd share my entire Smackdown experience with you, including the commentary by the two morons behind me.  The two guys in section 113, row 8, seats 6 & 7 were like having two private Michael Coles in my ears.  They called moves incorrectly through the whole show, and added all sorts of inane analysis.  I don't know shit about wrestling moves either, but at least I don't try to fake it.

Dark matches / Heat matches:

Val Venis vs. Randy Orton - Venis wins with his figure-fourish submission move (called a Boston crab by the morons).  Orton got a huge "you suck" chant on his way up the ramp afterwards that he played up to.

Ron H2O Waterman vs. Rico Constantino - I missed the finish to this one when someone walked in front of me, so I'll have to go with the moron's call of powerbomb (which was probably correct) and then pin by Waterman.  Afterwards Constantino did the standard "That powerbomb almost killed me" laying about while the refs ran in to check on him.  One of the morons totally 100% bought it, and they had this genuinely panicked conversation:

"He's hurt!"  
"Think he really is?"
"He really is hurt.  That sucks."
"Dude, that sucks, man."
"You know what that move reminds me of?  That move D'Lo used to do that fucked up Droz.  That's a damaging move man."

Afterwards Constantino got up and left, and was, of course, just fine.  I was careful to write that one down word for word, it was so ridiculous.

Test vs. Spike Dudley -  Spike tries the Acid Drop but Test throws him in the middle of the ring then gives him the big boot for the pin.

Moron 1: "That must have been the main event".  

Right, because that match is money from here to China (no disrespect to Spike).  I hope he at least meant the main event of Heat (does Heat even have a main event?)

Hurricane vs. Scotty Too Hotty -

Moron 1: "I just want to see the worm, man"
Moron 2: "Yeah, I know."

I think that just about sums these two guys up.  Hey, is it me, or should Scotty start using his pre-worm bulldog as a finishing move?  That move keeps guys on their backs longer than the last ride.  Hell, most of the time all the worm does is wake the opponent up from his coma.

Anyway, Hurricane tries his finisher (whatever it's called), but gets reversed and pinned for three (with a roll-up/bridge thing that I also have no idea what it's called.)  Scotty then convinces Hurricane to dance, and then Molly joins in.

Moron 2: "If anyone has real tits, it's her".

Up until this point I was guessing that the two guys were gay (not that there's anything wrong with that).  After hearing an evening full of "I'd do her" and "Tits this Ass that" I'm now certain of it.

Christian vs. Kane -

Moron 1: "This is a big enough match for Sunday Heat."

I'd like to know what he thinks isn't a big enough match for Sunday Heat, as prestigious a show as it is.  To be fair, he may have meant "This is a big enough match to be the main event of Heat" in moron speak.  He was very confused by the lack of an announcer telling him exactly when Heat started.

Anyway, Kane wins with a choke slam.  On a side note, Kane's entrance scared the crap out of the older lady sitting next to me.  I thought she was going to grab me and use me as a shield.

Lance Storm vs. Tajiri - Tajiri submits to the Boston Crab (surprisingly not called a figure four by the morons) after a pretty good short match.  One of the morons tried to start a "We want puppies" chant to total audience apathy.  He was consoled by the other with "I don't think they remember that one".  Also, at one point Lance was rubbing Tajiri's face with his forearm, and Moron 2 said "That's a little rug burn, not where you want it".  I'd like to know where exactly he would want it.  Actually, no, I wouldn't.

DDP vs. Bossman - This seemed an excellent time to go buy food (no disrespect to DDP).  It was a title match, so I assume DDP won.

Now it was time for Smackdown.  A little 8 year old girl comes out to sing the national anthem, and wouldn't you know it, Moron 1 starts shouting "What!" after each line.  Some poor little terrified kid singing in front of 10,000 people, and this guy starts screaming at her.  I turned around and told him to "shut the fuck up", to which he took offense, and he called me a "bitch".  That was actually my favorite part of the show.

Unfortunately the "What!" chant caught on, and it really threw the girl off.  She finished the whole song, though, and got a loud ovation at the end.  The problem with the "What!" chant is that it takes some intelligence to know when it's funny, and when it's annoying.  And  most people are really fucking stupid.

At this point the amount of moron commentary died down quite a bit.  I guess I shouldn't have told him to shut the fuck up.

The Rock came out and called out Undertaker, but got Booker T.  They had a short impromptu match, with Rock winning clean after the Rock Bottom.  Good to see Booker T's momentum picking up after his win over HHH.

They then showed us an NWO related promo for No Way Out with lots of Hall, Hogan and Nash shots inter-cut with war footage.  It seemed a little too close to comparing the NWO with the Third Reich for my tastes.

After the break they showed HHH and Stephanie looking at ultrasound pictures, followed by Kurt Angle pushing a baby cart backstage.

Moron 1: "So tonight's the world premiere of Goldust."

Yeah, finally the world can see what we've only read about in dark matches.

After another break Kurt Angle came to the ring with the baby cart, and pulled out a stuffed baby gorilla with a large fake plastic nose.  He also did a pretty funny bit where he compared HHH to a Neanderthal, making fun of his huge forehead.  Not surprisingly HHH took offense at this, came out and kicked the crap out of Angle.  Time for another break.

Regal/Dudleys vs. Rikishi/RVD/Edge -

Moron 2: "I think they're trying to push Edge as a singles wrestler."

Wow, he has been paying attention.  I think he may just be right, perhaps the break-up with Christian and three months of solo matches might be leading to a run as a singles wrestler.  Seriously, at this point I started wondering if Moron 2 was legitimately retarded, and I started to feel bad for laughing at him all this time.  I eventually decided no, he's just really fucking dumb, but I'm only 98% certain.

Anyway, Bubba took the stinkface, but while Rikishi gloated they hit him with the 3-D for the pin.  Afterwards the Dudleys held Edge while Regal nailed him with the brass knuckles.

After a break Jericho came to the ring and called out Austin.  A fat guy dressed like Austin came to the ring, and started kissing Jericho's ass (not literally).  The guy actually does a pretty good Austin impression, making this slightly more entertaining than the normal old/ugly/midget version of a wrestler gag.  It ends with the real Austin coming out and stunning the guy after nearly "What"ing him to death.  After the show goes to a break, Austin took his time going up the ramp, threatening to throw a ref off the stage, then teasing throwing a cameraman into the audience, in a much appreciated attempt to kill the downtime between segments.

You know, I remember a time where I wouldn't have had to tell you he wasn't literally kissing Jericho's ass.  

Undertaker vs. Maven for the hardcore title - Al Snow comes out with Maven, and assists him all through the match.  Paulina from tough enough is placed in the front row for this segment, before being led back to her real seat two sections to my right.  We were in the lower level, so it's not like it's a terrible seat, but that's pretty cheap.  Speaking of Paulina...

Moron 1: "It's the tall blonde from tough enough."
Moron 2: "The one who won it?"

Sounds like Nydia to me.  Back to the match, The Rock runs in, chair shots Undertaker, gives him a rock bottom, and Maven crawls on top for the win and his first title.  Maven took an awfully long time to cover Undertaker, I'm guessing they'll edit it down for the show.

At the next break they showed an NWO promo highlighting the finger poke of doom.  Then it was time for the pose-down, the segment so good they filmed it twice.  They play the King's music...

Moron 1: "Flair!  Whoo!"

I tell you, these guys were gold.  They really made the show for me.  The pose-down was what you'd expect, although Lawler had my favorite line of the night.  When Stacy and Torrie were posed provocatively he said "All right, I'll give you 30 minutes to stop that".  Lawler declares Torrie and Stacy the winners, but I think the boos for Billy and Chucky were louder than the cheers for the women.  Torrie and Stacy end up fighting, sandwiching Lawler in between them.  Lucky bastard.

Next segment is Goldust (in his Broadway debut!) vs. Godfather, but RVD runs in and there's no match.  We then go backstage to HHH and Vince, where HHH bitterly asks Vince to be at the renewal of the vows Monday, at Stephanie's request.  Vince takes insult and makes HHH's match tonight with Jericho a handicap match, adding Angle to the mix.

Final segment is HHH vs. Angle/Jericho - Good match, but a little short.  It ends with Angle giving HHH the angle slam onto a chair, except he missed the chair by quite a bit.  Hebner counts two, but says HHH's shoulder was up (didn't look like it to me), then they repeat the spot and hit the chair, and Angle gets the pin.  I'm sure it will be a single, well edited Angle Slam on the broadcast.  Stephanie comes out, and we may post-show at this point.  HHH chairshots Jericho and Angle, then hugs Stephanie.  Angle attacks from behind and clobbers them both, and Stephanie starts clutching her stomach.  Angle and Jericho leave, but HHH gets on the mike and says "You Olympic jackoff, I'm not done with you yet" and now I'm sure we're off the air.  Angle comes back for a quick brawl and pedigree to send the kids home happy.  The morons inexplicably left in the middle of all this, without any parting words of wisdom.  Perhaps they were disappointed that RVD prevented them from seeing Goldust's historical debut.  HHH ended the show by posing for everyone, including making title belt motions at his waste, and mouthing "6 weeks".

Overall an okay show, which will be significantly less enjoyable for everyone else without the moron running commentary.

By the way, there was a cute girl in a pink shirt in the row in front of me (section 113, row 6, seat 7 I think), apparently at the show without a boyfriend, meaning she must actually like wrestling.  As Malcolm in the Middle once said, trying to explain why he was giving his brother's wrestling ticket away, "You don't understand.  This is a girl.  Who likes wrestling".  I am too much of a coward to hit on a stranger in public (some might even call me a "bitch"), but if you publish any of this please leave a note for her to write me if she feels so inclined.  Hey, a guy's gotta dream, right?

Thanks again to Robert, and if the cute girl in the pink shirt is out there, remember:  (1)  Rob's e-mail address is [email protected], and (2) if you somehow avoid being dismissed as SPAM, I want to be invited to the wedding.  You're welcome.  

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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