by Rick Scaia  
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

If ruining the next few days worth of surprises is NOT what you intended to do, just hit BACK now, and you'll be protected.  Otherwise, forge ahead, and don't blame me if you television viewing experience for the next few WWF shows is somehow lacking.  You were warned.

For starters, here are the Heat spoilers, taped prior to Monday's RAW:

•  Mr. Perfect beat Tommy Dreamer
•  D'Lo Brown beat the Big Bossman
•  Trish Stratus beat Molly Holly
•  Rob Van Dam beat Justin Credible

And for Jakked/Metal and SmackDown! spoilers from Pittsburgh, I turn you over to The Narc, whose interviews with such luminaries as the Sandman and Disco Inferno were staples of the early OO website:

Rick,

I bet you thought I'd disappeared, hadn't you?  No such luck.  I'm writing for Will Parrish over at www.altwrestling.net.  Be good enough to drop the site name, wouldn't you?  You are the man.  You can break a glass, you can also stab me in the ass.

Jakked/Smackdown Spoilers 4/30/02 Mellon Arena; Pittsburgh, PA

Some lame radio people from B94 had the nerve to stage an arm-wrestling competition.  They were roundly booed.  The scene was reminiscent of “Revenge of the Nerds”, but without the sneaky booger-passing.

Jakked Matches:

Match 1:  Godfather dispatched Tazz with a boot to the face.  Tazz managed to thwart a cane attack, taking the cane away, in fact, but left himself vulnerable like the sad jobber he is.

Match 2:  Hurricane stole one from Albert with a schoolboy after getting dominated for most of the match.  Helms tried for the chokeslam, but it was all for freaking naught.

Match 3:  Hugh Morrus pinned Funaki following the “No Laughing Matter”.  Hugh looks great—much more cut that the last time I saw him in person.  Funaki controlled most of the match, even getting a “let’s go evil” chant at one point.

Match 4:  Maven put over Chavo Guerrero.  The crowd went absolutely nuts for Maven.

Smackdown:

Michael Cole and Tazz make their way to the broadcast table, neither wearing a tie for the nth consecutive week.

The first segment started with a look back to last Thursday’s Triple H/Y2J match along with clips from this past Raw featuring the confrontation between the Undertaker and “Hollywood” Hulk Hogan, leading up to a reminder of tonight’s Chris Jericho/Hogan main event.

Match 1:  Billy and Chucky successfully defended the tag team championship against Rikishi and the Hurricane.  Rico factored into the finish, hitting his monster kick to Helms enabling Chucky to score the decision.  Post-match action was highlighted by Rico eating a chokeslam via the Hurricane and enduring a salad-tosser from Rikishi.

A backstage segment featuring Kurt Angle centered around his new t-shirt.  Kurt offered Val Venis and Lance Storm a chance to model the new shirt in the ring.  Val demurs, Lance accepts.  The new shirt isn’t quite as extensive as I would’ve liked, but it’s probably the only shirt I’d consider buying from the concessionaires, if only they’d had it.  Kurt drew a healthy face pop at first, but some disparaging comments about Penguins owner/captain Mario Lemieux turned the home crowd back against the Pittsburgh native.

The second segment began where the last one left off, with Kurt Angle and Lance Storm in the ring to model the new t-shirt.  Edge interrupts the scene with Val and the “You Suck” shirt from last week. After some verbal sparring from the ring to the entranceway Edge and Angle agreed to a hair versus hair match at Judgment Day.  My favorite moment?  Angle called Edge “Johnny Good Time”.

Segment three started off on the scoreboards as we were subjected to the Tobacco is Whacko Whack of the Night—the whack being Randy Orton’s upset win over Hardcore Holly in his “tryout” match.

Match 2:  Randy Orton got his second decision in a row against Hardcore Holly by DQ after an uppernut from Holly.  Before the match footage was shown of Stacy kissing Randy for good luck, which apparently did the trick.  Holly got his heat back, as they say, with a post match beatdown that culminated in an “Alabama Slam” on the unforgiving steel of the entranceway.

Segment number four opened with Faarooq and Mark Henry discussing how best to divvy up the gambling revenue they’ve acquired the past couple of weeks with D-Von walks up and depresses us all with this quasi-Jesus bullshit.

Meanwhile Vince and Stacy got freaky in Vince’s office—I was surprised to learn Vince has a thing for navels.  Chris Jericho interrupts a beautiful scene with his concerns about tonight’s match.  Vince reassured him that tonight’s match would be no DQ, and that the Undertaker cannot interfere under penalty of suspension thanks to a “reciprocity” agreement that Vince and Ric Flair worked out.  Satisfied, Y2J slumps in a chair, effective cockblocking the Smackdown owner.  Vince shooed him away, and intimated to Stacy that is was time to “get busy”.  Then I threw up.

Segment five kicked off with the blowoff to the t-shirt fiasco.

Match 3:  Kurt Angle and Lance Storm upended Edge and Valbo.  Angle pinned Val following a Lance Storm superkick that reversed a pinning predicament.  Val barely worked any of the match, preferring to become Robert Gibson at the end.

Video footage confirmed that tonight Hulk Hogan and Jericho are set to face one another.

The sixth segment of the show belonged to Chris Jericho.  After running down Pittsburgh a bit (“You can’t bring me down, you jackasses” was my favorite line) and puffing out his chest regarding the main event, Triple H entered the ring, saying nothing, but smiling.  Triple H pointed out that he knew something Jericho didn’t know.  Further, Jericho had “no chance in hell” against Hogan.

Match 4:  The team of Christian and Test beat Faarooq and Mark Henry to begin the seventh segment.  Things were going fine for Faarooq and Henry when D-Von appeared in the crowd with his collection plate.  Mark Henry gave chase, leaving Faarooq all alone.  Christian made the cover after a botched finisher that’ll likely get edited into recognition.

A peek at Hogan’s door backstage and clips from Raw hyping next week’s Flair/Austin/Bradshaw vs. NWO main event rounded out the segment.

Segment eight started out as yet another advertisement for “The Scorpion King”.  Rock’s visage on the ‘Tron got a huge response.

Match 5:  Tajiri successfully defended his cruiserweight championship against Billy Kidman despite a “let’s go Kidman” chant and everything.  The finish came when Torrie caught a plancha from Kidman by accident, which gave Tajiri the opening for the kick to the head and the three count.  Tajiri didn’t help Torrie to her feet after the match, so I guess we’ll all have to pay for her turn next month.

Back in Vince’s office the May December romance appeared to have been consummated.  Satiated, Vince sent Stacy to fetch Triple H.

Segment nine was brief.  Triple H was all smiles for Vince, and Jericho strutted his way towards the ring from backstage.

Segment ten opened with the Stacker 2 Burn of the Night, which in this case was Jericho’s win over Triple H last Thursday.

Match 6:  Hogan rolled up Chris Jericho to retain the undisputed WWF championship.  Hogan was as active as I’ve seen him this decade.  Triple H joined the broadcast area just as Jericho nailed the lionsault.  The distraction allowed for some hulking up, but the beginning of the end for Jericho came when the Undertaker’s music started playing.  Hulk seized the opportunity with a schoolboy for the pin.  The Taker’s music was a ruse, of course, courtesy of the cerebral assassin.  Triple H chased Jericho up the ramp, and I’m assuming that’s where Thursday’s show will end.

Helmsley dragged Jericho back to the ring post-match for a legdrop and pedigree party.  Eventually Y2J slinked off, leaving “Hollywood” and Triple H to treat the fans to an extended posedown.  Hogan got the biggest pop of the night by far, with Triple H and Maven among the other notables.  Kurt Angle got monster heat despite being in his hometown.  Chris Jericho was nobody’s prize, either.

Entertaining stuff, especially the main event.  Make sure to check www.altwrestling.net for my official recap on Friday!

Thanks again to The Narc, and a reminder to all that you should check out all these shows when they air on TV... and (wink wink) if you don't, then just come on back to OO for our full recaps of all of 'em!

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA  
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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