by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

But not you, you slimy little bastards!  No, you've got OO here to ruin all the drama for you.  And I'm such a disgusting pimp that I'll give you what you want.  What you NEED...  oh yeah.

The rest of you, turn back now.  From here on out, it's adult swim, baby.  Don't blame me if your wrestling viewing week is spoiled by reading even one sentence further.

Quickly, here's what happened on Monday night's tapings...

WWE Sunday Night Heat
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

• Raven defeated Crash Holly
• Goldust beat Justin Credible
• Steven Richards got a surprise win over Matt Hardy
• Bradshaw thrashed Johnny the Bull to retain the Hardcore Title

And now, for the just-concluded Velocity and SmackDown! tapings, I'll turn you over to OO's Trusted Man in Indy, Bob Schutte.  Hell, he's been helping out for so long, he may have been OO's Man in Indianapolis back when we were still pronouncing "OO" as "NFD."  And also long enough that he remembers my all-time favorite cage match spot...  big thanks to him for mailing in a recap of the tapings in Indy!

Here's Bob's live, on-site report:

Pre-show notes and disclaimers:  Typos and other assorted mistakes are mine and mine alone.  I do my best, but I DID pay a lot of money for pretty good seats to watch the show with my family.  Enjoyment first, spoilers/notes second.

     The cage above the ring is promising.  Pre-show “Whoo!’s” tell me that most these folks don’t know who’s on what show anymore.  How come nobody has ever pointed out that the “broken mirror” of the Smackdown set is made of something that resembles foam rubber coated with foil-like cover?  I had always thought it was polished steel.  Oh well.

WWE Desire History Re-mix video package to start us off.  (Opens with Kid Rock quote and spends more time on the NWO and modern superstars.)

We get the standard warnings and then the **Velocity Dark matches:**

Funaki vs. Sean O’Haire

      O’Haire looks bigger than I last saw him.  He’s also sporting longer locks.  The end result is that he reminds me a LOT of a HHH- probably not the best move if he wishes to stand out.  I liked the devilish high and tight with goatee.   Anyway, O’Haire dominates this one.  Highlights include a move that my notes describe as a Shoulder backbreaker.  He took Funaki up on his shoulder.  Popped him up (not quite a press) and dropped him backside onto the shoulder.  He also got off a drop front suplex.  Funaki will get falling DDT off O’Haire’s use of the ropes and a short flurry that ends with an ensiguri attempt.  Finish will see O’Haire execute a torture rack side slam and pin.

Winner: Sean O’Haire

Molly Holly and Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson and Victoria

            Dawn Marie looks hot tonight!  She really stands out against Molly (who isn’t bad herself, but does serve to highlight Dawn Marie real well tonight.)  Torrie on the other hand, who I know from personal experience is great looking- has her hair long and braided/crimped in a way that hides her more than features her.  Very disappointing.  Molly and Victoria start this one off.  Victoria gets control and executes some shoulder blocks and power moves.  Both Molly and Victoria switch out on tags and Dawn Marie and Torrie come in to mega cheers for what instantly made the Joey Styles in me scream “Cat fight! Cat fight!”  Both girls actually manage to wrestle a little though.  Dawn Marie and Molly get the upper hand on Torrie and Victoria plays the “dumb partner” and allows the pair to get the double team in the corner.  Victoria does the turnbuckle slap for the crowd to follow along.  Molly will perform a drop kick off the ropes to a sitting Torrie’s chest.  (Ouch!)  Molly will try for the back flip elbow into the corner but miss.  Torrie makes the hot tag and Victoria will get off a slam.  Interference from Dawn Marie breaks the count.  Double team whip to the ropes results in a double clothesline from Victoria.  Victoria will make a slam and tag off to Torrie.  Torrie immediately hits the swinging neckbreaker and gets the win.

Winner:  Torrie and Victoria

**Mark Lloyd and Michael Cole out to “My Way” for the taped Velocity matches.**

Chuck and Billy (with Rico) vs. The Hurricane and Shannon Moore

            Highlights see the Hurricane pull off a Hurricane (round-the-world) leg scissors take down.  Billy and Chuck will get a double team on Moore on the outside near the ramp.  The key to this is the team up to throw him back into the ring through the send and top ropes.  (A bit sloppy, but still impressive looking.)  Later the Hurricane will hit a round-the-world DDT and later still the Buff blockbuster (Side note:  Does anyone else still remember him?  I just recently unlocked his entrance on the PS2 version of Smackdown: Just Bring It and for the life of me spent two days trying to remember who’s entrance it was.)  Moore will attempt a plancha but will be caught by Chuck and guillotined on the wall.  The Hurricane will get a false chokeslam but will repeat the set up and get the pay off on the second try.  Interference results in the pin and win for C&B.

Winner: Chuck and Billy

Tajiri vs. Mike Awesome

            Awesome enters the arena and I think half the crowd was wondering who he was ‘cause there was little reaction to his return.  Awesome is also sans mullet.  (As I understand what a mullet is.  And we all know that this type of observation is what makes or breaks wrestling.)  Awesome is sporting a new knee brace which is remarkably cooler than Stone Cold’s old ones.  The inner “sleeve” is nice and gives it a cool accessory feel rather than a needed support item.  Awesome controls early.  A corner exchange and reversed tarantula results in Awesome getting an off-the rope (slingshot?) face buster.  Momentum shifts when Tajiri gets both feet up into Awesome’s face as he attempts a splash.  Awesome then goes for a Big Boot and gets caught on the ropes.  Tajiri kicks the leg out and brief offense.  Awesome will go for a plancha and miss.  Tajiri will catch Awesome on returning to the ring in a mid ring rope tarantula.  Awesome will cover and give a diving shoulder tackle to get back into the ring.  Awesome nails a sit-out powerbomb for two.  Cotton Candy man means I’m out $2.50 and missed the finish.

Winner:  Tajiri

Kidman vs. Jaimie Knoble (With Nidia) for the Light Heavyweight Title

            Nidia tries to use her assets to distract Kidman at the start but Kidman (who goes home with Torrie each night) has none of it.  Kidman gets offense but will surrender control after a missed move.  Knoble on top for a flurry.  A series of reverses sees Knoble get off a pump-handled side suplex.  Abdominal stretch with and assist by Nidia.  Kidman breaks it with a hip toss and drops and rolls to apron.  Missed shoulder thrust by Knoble allows Kidman to (poorly) execute a guillotine leg drop.  More exchanges/reverses.  Kidman gets a sit-out but Nidia breaks it from the apron.  Kidman whips Knoble off the ropes and into Nidia and two.  More back and forth.  Match ends when Kidman attempts to suplex Knoble back into the ring but Nidia grabs the ankle mid move and holds him down for the three.  This match could have been much more but Kidman and Knoble seemed to lack chemistry tonight.  (Side note:  Why is it that Kidman in his new black trunks reminds me so much of a young Jim Powers?)

Winner:  Jaimie Knoble

Hardcore Holly vs. Rico (with Chuck and Billy)

            Billy and Chuck surround the ring and threaten Hardcore.  Both actual enter the ring as if to make it a three on one handicap match.  The ref has none of it and sends Chuck and Billy packing to fans delight.  Believe it or not Rico actually dominates for the better part of this match.  However, I find Rico’s gimmick so annoying that I can barely stand to watch it.  Even from a critical/analytical perspective I find it difficult to sit through.  Crowd gives a rousing “Rico sucks!” cheer.  (Of course he does, why else would The Ass King, Billy, and Jungle Boy, Chuck, “hire” him?  Sorry couldn’t resist the easy one.)  Holly gets off his slam (Alabama Slam?) for the win.  However, Chuck and Billy immediately storm the ring to get retribution.  The Big Valbowski makes the save and he and Holly will get off their new double team finisher before R/C/B powder out.  Look for this to be one of the “big” feuds coming up in the tag division.

Winner:  Hardcore Holly

**Apron change gives rise to a “Rocky” chant.  This proves to be a LONG break, but eventually we get Tazz and Michael Cole back out for Smackdown.**

Steph greets via a video package as the new General Manager of Smackdown!  She promises a cage match between Edge and Jericho, Rock/Hogan vs. the Anti-Americans (using their names not the A-A’s), and gloats about Brock.

Angle vs. Mark Henry

            Match is supposed to highlight Henry’s strength and power.  It serves to show me that Kurt Angle is really the one of the best team player out there.  Who else at his level would put over Mark Henry to the extent Angle tried to?  Henry is concentrating on his power moves and appears to be plodding and NOT in a deliberate way.  It is a step back to his earlier WWF run (yes, WWF- it was the WWF then) not the quick, more aggressive version we saw the last time he was here in Indy during his stint in OVW – before his return to strongman competition.  Anyway, Angle’s offense will appear ineffectual and only get him tossed around by Henry.  Angle will attempt a belly-to-back suplex, but the key element (and humor) is that he can’t lift Henry off his feet to do it.  Later Henry will carry Angle over to the corner turnbuckle, put him on top, pat his bald head and back away for more “humor.”  Henry will get to execute a gorilla press slam, a running power slam, and other power moves.  He will appear to be setting up for the finish when Brock Lesner (with Paul Heyman) will run and F5 him from nowhere.  Lesner/Heyman waste no time in leaving.  Angle appears stunned (by the events as well as the previous offense.)  Angle cuts out and Henry takes several minutes to “recover” and leave.

Winner:  No decision (possibly Mark Henry)

Backstage:  Angle chases down Lesner and Heyman and demands and explanation.  Heyman starts but Brock cuts him off.  Lesner says it looked like Angle needed help, so he gave it to him.  He suggests that Angle’s been number one too long and maybe the pressures been too much.  Angle scoffs and demands to know who Brock thinks he is.  Lesner says he’s the man who gets the title shot at SummerSlam.  He says he had hoped it would be Angle at SS but Angle “blew it.”  (Side note:  This totally wasted my 7 yr old son’s poster that read: “Lesner FEARS Angle”)  He tells Angle that his days as the number one guy on Smackdown are OVER!  Angle turns and leaves.

Edge gets a video package!  Creed’s “My Sacrifice” with interview material mixed into the sound.  Not bad but not titillating either.  ((How come Edge gets video treatment and Benoit (eat me Johnny D), Rhyno, Awesome get squat?))

Backstage:  Stacey Keibler arrives outside the General Manager’s door.  She enters while Steph is on a cell call.  She tells Steph that Vince has told her that he no longer needs her “services.”  Steph says that knowing Vince he’s being “serviced” elsewhere.  There’s a knock on the door that Stacey answers (trying to prove her usefulness).  Its flowers for Steph.  The card lets her know they're from Eric Bischoff and that he’ll be here tonight.  Steph throws the flowers at the wall.

D-Von (with Batista) vs. the Big Valbowski (with Hardcore Holly)

            Valbowski gets halfway down the ramp before calling out Holly.  Fairly straightforward match up.  Little to get worked up about though.  Batista interference brings Holly on with a vengeance!  Holly really looks viscous as he lays into Batista on the outside.  Val gets the pin and he and Holly go to turnbuckles to celebrate, but Batista is in to lay them both out.

Winner: The Big Valbowski

Backstage:  Stacey is talking to security, ostensibly as Steph’s official go between, she tells them to report anything suspicious.   Just then Edge power walks past the group on his way out to the parking lot.  Stacey orders the guards to catch him and then cell calls Steph to tell her “It’s Edge.”

Locker Room: Lance Storm and Christian talk about winning the Tag Titles in an un-American fashion- through work, overcoming great odds, etc.  They MUST defend them versus the “so-called” American icons Rock and Hogan.  Christian adds that Hogan is an American icon- lazy, stupid, etc.  Storm adds that the Rock is wrong and that “it does matter.”

Parking Lot:  Edge is surrounded by security as Steph walks up.  Steph confronts Edge about him leaving Smackdown.  Edge says he’s Smackdown through and through.  He asks Steph to trust him as he trusts her and her vision for Smackdown.  Edge convinces Steph to trust him and following him into the production truck and has her enter first (I was hoping for a double cross- slam the door and lock her in maneuver.)  However, we see that Edge is merely delivering a tape to production that counts down the time left before Edge gets Jericho inside the cage.  Steph is pleased and allows the tape to continue to run throughout the night.  (Side note:  We, the audience, never see this countdown clock again.  Maybe it will be added to graphics before Thursday- presumably at commercial breaks.)

Rikishi vs. Albert

            In hideous role reversal, Rikishi wrestles the entire match with his “Back Dat Ass Up” shirt ON, while Albert wrestles with black short tights and NO SHIRT (unless you, like Bobby Heenan, would call it a “fur shirt.”)  Albert controls early but spends too much time trying to intimidate the official rather than beating Rikishi.  This leads to a reverse and corner/stinkface.  Rikishi doesn’t hesitate and after a few quick moves sets up the Banzai drop.  He lands it and gets the win.  He leaves the ringside area with no sign of a dance coming.  At the top f the ramp he starts to look at the crowd.  At the top of the ramp he stops and breaks out his hat and dance moves.  He even gets pyro for his dance.

Fistron tells us that Hogan/Rock are next.  Gets a “Hogan!” chant going.

Video also tells us that Rey will be coming tonight!

Anti-Americans (with Test) vs. The Rock and Hollywood Hogan for the Tag Titles

            Lance and Hogan start this.  “USA” chants abound and the get HULK going right away.  Hogan tosses Storm like a rag doll before tagging in The Rock.  Rocky, of course, loses the momentum and gets double teamed for awhile while Hogan plays “concerned partner” for the refs (and the AA’s) benefit.  Comedy ensues when during a whip to the ropes from Christian; Storm slaps Rock’s back like a blind tag.  Rock halts his momentum and looks at Storm like “What the frick?”  Storm shrugs goofily.  Rock appears to semi-shrug as if its ok and starts to turn away before laying Storm out.  Rock then gives a fist to everyone (including Test).  He nails the spine buster and starts the People’s Elbow.  Test pulls the rope down on the bounce and Rock is outside.  Double team on the outside as Hogan complains to the ref about the interference.  Crowd alternates between “Hogan” and “rocky” chants.  Christian will tag in, but will take too long between moves and Rocky will flurry briefly till Test pulls his legs out from under him.  Test will abuse Rock on the announce table for a while while Hogan is stopped from coming over by the ref.  Back in, Rock reverses and nearly gets the Rock Bottom, but again, Test interferes leading to Hogan chasing Test away.  Of course, Rock rallies and does a diving tag into the empty corner.  More efforts to keep Rock down only result in Rocky hitting the 2^nd attempt.  Hogan will miss his first attempt at the Big Boot and gets double teamed for it.  Rock in to break it up and lands the Rock Bottom on Storm.  Magic Spit nails Test on the outside and Rock follows him.  Meanwhile, Christian goes for a pin and gets two.  Hogan hulks up and lands the three moves of doom, 3 punches, Big Boot, Leg Drop O’Doom.  Goes for the pin when Brock Lesner hits the ring.  F5 for Hogan who twitches like an epileptic watching Pokemon in Japan.  Rock breaks free to get back to ring to check on Hogan.  Rock looks at Lesner ands is shocked, outraged, and PO’ed.  Lesner antagonizes Rock by standing at the top of the ramp making the belt on his waist gesture.  DQ win for Rock/Hogan announced, but Rock won’t let the official raise his hand.  (Modest posing at the top of the ramp by Rock and Hogan.)

Winner:  Hogan/Rock by DQ

Backstage:  Angle appears to be leaving the arena talking on a cell phone to “Eric.”   Mark Lloyd interrupts Angle and tries to get an interview.  Angle brushes him off and leaves.  Lloyd of course, tries to connect the dots for those of us stupid enough to believe that Angle might ACTUALLY have been talking to ERIC Bischoff.  Of course, we are not fooled at all.  WE remember that we’ve seen Kurt’s brother Eric ANGLE wrestle.  WE’VE read Angle’s book and know that Kurt regularly gets feedback from his brothers about his matches.  So WE are not fooled and are instead INSULTED by this idiot, Mark Lloyd, trying to make us believe that its Eric Bischoff and phrasing it like we should leap to that conclusion ourselves as its forced-fed to us.  UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!

*****For some reason, RVD’s entrance video was played during this next break.   Hmmmm...******

Backstage:  Mark Lloyd now tells Steph what he saw and heard.  Steph despite nearly having an affair with Kurt leaps to Lloyd’s incorrect assumption and calls Kurt’s phone.  She gets voicemail and leaves a message asking Kurt to call her back, give her a chance to talk about the situation.  She calls him the leader of Smackdown.

Backstage:  John Cena rips on Test and Canadian health care.  More precisely, Test’s teeth.  He calls Test a Woodchuck before Test enters and slaps him.  No not just slaps him,  SLAPS the HOLY LIVIN’ SH*T out of him.  It is perhaps the clearest, most painful sounding slap I’ve ever heard and it was off a tape!  Yow!  Test says that people may be right that Cena is the kid with Ruthless Aggression, but he thinks he’s just a punk and walks out.  Cena stands up and seems to grow from the pain and gives us the RA smile.

Locker Room:  We see Rey Rey looking at himself in a red version mask in the mirror before he leaves for the ring.

Chavo vs. Rey Mysterio Jr.

            Rey’s in red and is wearing pants (not tights) tonight.  They have a spider’s web design on one leg and an axe/arrow combination on the other.  The look is enough for my 5 yr old to think “It’s Spider-man Daddy!  It’s Spider-man!  Whoo- who!”  Rey’s also sporting more tattoos across his back.  I won’t even try to recap this one with out videotape.  “Let go Rey Rey” chant from crowd.  A few moves of particular note:  Twisting plancha, several very high drop kicks, and the revolving door move into a kick to Chavo’s head make this a fun match.  Slower than I might have hoped for, but still fun.  (Side note:  I’m the idiot in the crowd with the sign that reads, “Chavo doesn’t have a REY of hope!”)

Winner:  Rey Mysterio Jr.

Backstage:  Test bumps into Rey, Jr. as Rey’s entering the backstage area.  Rey appears apologetic (bad sound) but Test lays him out by throwing him into the door.  Test tells Rey he’ll kill him if he ever does it again.

Test vs. John Cena 

            Cena starts down the ramp touching his slapped cheek, then runs into the ring and into a stompin’ from Test.  Test stomps, punches, and throws Cena to the outside.  He turns his back for a second and Cena is back in and ready.  Cena gets some brief offense in the corner, but is whipped to the opposite corner and trainwrecked.  Test has control and does his slow walk and gloat offense (unlike Henry’s this does appear to be deliberate.)  Test will miss his leaping elbow drop and it will give Cena an opportunity to give him a DDT.  “Woodchuck” chant takes off.  Cena escapes a pump-handle, but Test gets the second attempt.  Cover for two.  Test is upset at official and gives him a push.  Official pushes back and Cena grabs Test from behind for the roll-up.  Cena gets two.  Barebellies passing make me miss the finish but the Fistron makes it look like Cena reverses a powerbomb attempt into a roll-up for the win.

Winner:  John Cena

Backstage:  Steph has found Chris Jericho (wearing headphones.)   Steph needs to know if Chris is happy.  She tells him that he IS Smackdown.  Jericho removes the ‘phones and asks her to repeat what she was saying ‘cuz he could hear.  Steph starts over, but Jericho was just kidding. (J)  Jericho shills his band Fozzy’s new album and its upcoming release.  He gives Steph a complimentary copy.  Steph wants to know if he’s happy or if he’s leaving.  Jericho goes off about getting his shot at Edge.  Last time, Jericho took Edge out for a month, this time more.  He makes fun of Edge’s “mind games” with the clock and leaves.  (NOTE:  He never, EVER answered Steph’s real question!)

Backstage:  Stacey is on a cell call as Steph approaches.  Stacey tells Steph “It’s Voice-mail again.”  Steph takes the phone and gets snippy with Angle’s voice mail.  She doesn’t appreciate his not returning her calls or showing back up.  At least Brock Lesner had the guts to say what he was doing to Bischoff to his face.  She demands that Angle return and tell her one way or the other to her face tonight!

Edge vs. Chris Jericho

            Edge starts in the cage, but Jericho goes for chair to bring in with him, bangin' it on the cage several times first.  The outside ring official tries to take the chair away and Edge baseball slides into the door, hitting Jericho in the process (at least that how it will probably appear on Thursday, we the crowd got to see him miss with the door the first time, then quickly reset up and hit it on the second try.  Outside for punches; back in for the bell and official start.  Watch this match.  I did and had a heck of a good time.  Top rope bulldog and juicing from Edge (Side Note to Rick:  You’ll get you fence as a cheese grater move to give us Edge’s juice.)  Multiple near falls and good stuff.  Edge will win by going over top despite taking a chair shots from Jericho (who managed to pull the chair in during a failed escape attempt.)  POST MATCH:  The Anti-Americans bum-rush Edge and bring him back inside the cage for a four on one beat down.  Crowd wants Hogan or Rock to make the save.  The get… John Cena!  Cena is in and breaks this up for a split second before falling victim to the numbers.  When out comes… REY REY!!!  Rey runs to ringside and scales the cage like Spider-man (maybe my son was right!)  Rey poised on top of the cage, sizes things up and tremendous flying cross body on two of them wascally Canadians!  Our three heroes manage to drive the four Canadians away.

Backstage:  Bischoff is seen driving off in a convertible shouting something about a TKO to Steph.  Steph huffs, when Angle appears beside her.  Steph is surprised.  Angle says he hates “that guy.”  Explains that, as we already know, Eric is his brother and that he need time to cool down after his brush with Brock.  Steph then asks the million-dollar question, “If it wasn’t you, then who?”

Meanwhile, Edge, Rey, and Cena have stopped to watch the video and now that its over are going back to celebrating.  Edge will sit on top of the cage acknowledging the fans.  Everyone leaves happy.

Thanks again to Bob for providing the timely and detailed recap... and for the rest of you, you can check out the as-aired version of SD! on Thursday night, or come on back to OO on Friday to find out just who the Wheel of Destiny has selected to sit in as guest SD Recapper.

At least, I hope the Wheel knows, cuz I sure as hell haven't decided anything yet...

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
BROWSE THE OO ARCHIVES

Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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