by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Caution:  the "gay wedding" angle the many (or at least I) have spent the past few days deriding as a mid-card storyline at best got kicked up a few notches at SD!.  If you do not want some fairly major surprises spoiled for you, you need to hit BACK now and just make sure you tune in on Thursday night.

But of course, for the rest of you, here are the results from this week's TV tapings, starting with Monday night's Heat tapings:

WWE Sunday Night Heat
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

• Shelton Benjamin beat Justin Credible (may have been a dark match, reports differ)
• Molly Holly beat Jacqueline to retain the womens title
• Raven defeated Johnny Stamboli
• D'Lo Brown beat Shawn Stasiak

And for last night's eventful Velocity/SmackDown! tapings, I put you in the hands of OO Reader Sergei Alderman, who filed this detailed report:

On my way in, a security guy checked the signs I was
carrying.  He was about to confiscate my sign that
said "Billy and Chuck are Gorgeous And Young" because
when you read it up-to-down it said GAY.  Then his
partner said, "let me look at that, no that one's OK,
Billy and Chuck are gay".  Apparently the WWE just
doesn't want signs that say "Angle is Gay", for
instance.  Anyway, we got to our seats a couple of
minutes late, I guess we missed the anthem.  "Lonely
Road of Faith" was playing, and the recognizable
wrestlers in the video were getting big pops.

7:40  The ring announcer greeted us and gave legal
reminders.


Dark Matches:

7:42  Val/Mike O'Lay (?)
The screens said that this was Velocity, but Loyd and
Cole hadn't come out yet, so this was really a dark
match.  I'm not sure I heard the name right, but the
first wrestlers name was something like Mike O'Lay.
Next was his opponent Val.  Val was the first
recognizable wrestler, so he got a huge pop. Val did a
nice drop toe-hold to the middle turnbuckle, but
missed the money shot.  He ended up winning a couple
minutes later by submission.  I think the hold was a
figure four, but I might be wrong. 

7:50 Bull + Doug Basham / Jindrak + Lenny Lane
I may have that last wrestlers name wrong, I've never
heard of him.  I don't remember a thing about this
match except that I didn't care a whit about it.  The
only note I took was that Jindrak pinned Basham at
7:55


Velocity taping:

7:58  Loyd and Cole entered to the strains of "Click,
Click, Boom".  The crowd was very happy about this,
probably because it meant no more dark matches.  Once
upon a time, dark matches meant seeing Lesnar do the
Shooting Star, or so I'm told.  I feel gypped.

The ring announcer asked us to cheer and hold up our
signs during the Velocity pyro.  I held up the
"Gorgeous and Young" sign and my wife held up her
"Billy [heart] Chuck" sign.  If they make it onto the
air on Saturday they will seem very strange
considering the developments later in the evening--a
disadvantage to pretending that Velocity happens after
SD!

8:00  D'Von/Moore
D'Von entered first to lots of booing.  I was booing
my ass off and holding up my "D'Von is a Homo Phobe"
sign.  Shannon Moore entered and the match started.
I'm not a big fan of Moore, so the only thing that
really stood out in my mind about the match was a nice
snapmare D'Von pulled off.  I missed what the finisher
was, but D'Von got the pin at 8:09

8:11 Albert/Funaki
Albert entered to a mixed response.  Funaki entered to
a huge pop.  The crowd loved Sho.  Funaki had a mic
and did a little promo on the ramp about being
"Smackdown #1 Announcer" and that Albert should have
more fun and that you can't spell Funaki without
"Fun".  My wife hasn't been watching much lately and
she was shocked by Albert's body hair.  She yelled out
"Shave your back"!  I thought this sounded like a
great idea for a chant and started chanting it.  It
didn't seem to be catching on, only a few people were
chanting with me, and I was about to give it up, when
someone on the opposite side of the arena heard it and
it caught on huge over there, and then swept the
arena.  When he had Funaki down, Albert looked around
at the audience with the "bewildered by the ire of the
crowd" look, and then Funaki got behind him and gave
him a back rake to huge cheers.  That's what I call
adapting to the crowd, and it was a highlight of the
night for me.  So if you watch Velocity, the whole
"Shave your back" thing was my wife's idea.  Albert
used a big gut buster to set up the pin at 8:18.  As
Albert left, Funaki got a mic and said that he's all
right and he's still having fun.  Albert took
exception to this and returned to the ring and
delivered what I guess you would call a slingshot
inverted hangman.  I'm not sure if that's clear so
I'll describe further.  Funaki was on his back with
his head under the bottom rope, and Albert did the
move that is usually used to slingshot your opponent
into the turnbuckle or ringpost, but instead his neck
is smashed into the bottom rope from below like an
upside down hangman. 

8:20 The ring announcer reminded us to buy some
T-shirts, and the man with the T-Shirt catapult got
the biggest face pop of the night.  Perhaps they
should make him the star of the show?

8:21  Kidman/Orton
Kidman entered to a big pop, Orton entered to a small
pop.  I was thinking they were partners, but it turned
out they were opponents.  After a counter wrestling
sequence, Kidman went for a handshake, but Orton
slapped it away.  I guess Orton is going heel.  Orton
did that vicious-looking neck-breaker variation, but
it just got a two-count without Orton being shocked
and amazed or anything.  I think they really ought to
treat that move as a huge finisher.  Orton also hit a
top-rope cross-body, and this time he did the "shocked
and amazed" thing when he only got a two-count.  The
crowd was very disappointed when Kidman's Shooting
Star was prevented.  Orton finished with that move
that looks like a fameasser but with a flip, and got
the pin at 8:28.

8:32 Noble+Tajiri/Hurricane+Crash
Noble, Tajiri and Nidia entered to Noble's music, then
Hurricane and Crash entered to Hurricane's music.
Hurricane looked very different with no top and a cape
tied around the neck instead of velcroed on.
Hurricane, Nidia and the Tarantula were very over.
At one point Hurricane delivered a shining wizard.  I
screamed "Kick him in the head!" to Tajiri and he
obliged me.  Hurricane pitched Noble over the top rope
and then did a crossbody to the outside to take the
both of them out of the equation, then Crash pinned
Tajiri with some sort of weird looking pile driver at
8:39. 


Smackdown taping:

8:40  Tazz and Cole entered to Tazz's music.  I'm not
sure when Cole left so that he could enter again.  The
crowd popped big for this, but I don't know if they
love Tazz or are just happy that this means it's time
for Smackdown!

8:43  Backstage skit on the big screens.  Heyman said
to Brock that he should get a big reaction here in his
hometown, and Brock said that he's from South Dakota
and he only came to the U of M because they offered a
big scholarship, and that he made the U of M's
wrestling program.  This skit did a good job of
turning the crowd against Lesnar, and certainly wasn't
as obligatory as Lance asking the Rev D'Von for
forgiveness for being western Canadian.

Then they did the "cheer and hold up your signs for
the pyro" thing again.

8:49 Lesnar/Hardcore
Lesnar and Heyman came out to lots of boos.  Some
cheers, but mostly boos.  Hardcore came out to a big
pop, I think mainly because we were happy to see
whomever was going to kick the ass of the guy who just
bad mouthed our state and our school. Mid-match,
Lesnar attempted the powerbomb and dropped Holly on
his head, prompting a small "you fucked up" chant.  My
wife yelled out "Remember Droz!"  Lesnar played it off
like he meant to do that, nudging Holly's head with
his boot in a contemptuous way.  The next thing he did
was redo the powerbomb, which doesn't add to the
appearance that he had intended to drop Holly on his
head like that.  This time he succeeded, but it didn't
exactly look effortless.  I think he should restrict
that move to smaller opponents/victims.  Hardcore
pulled off an Alabama kick to the lower abdomen, but
no Alabama Slam (wouldn't that have been something),
before being felled by the F5 at 8:57.

9:01 Guerreros/Edge+Cena
The Guerrero's came out to "Latino Heat".  I was
chanting "Eddie! Eddie!" but was drowned out by "Eddie
sucks!" chants.  Edge and Cena came out to Rob Zombie.
 The crowd went pretty nuts for Edge.  Eddie ended up
pinning Cena with the frogsplash at 9:11.  Then the
Guerrero's attempted to get some revenge on Edge for
assisting Rikishi with a stinkface last week.  Chavo
pulled down his own tights to reveal a black thong.
He turned away from Edge and Eddie for Eddie to stick
Edge's face in his ass, but Edge fought out and stuck
Eddie's face in Chavo's ass instead, Chavo all unaware
that that isn't Edge back there.  And everyone
watching lost two IQ points.

Then they showed a few backstage skits on the big
screens.  The Guerreros yelled at each other.  Matt
annoyed Undertaker enough that Taker pushed him
against a wall.  Rico harangued Steph about the
difficulties he's having with the arrangements for the
ceremony.  Steph tried to get out of being a witness,
saying that she's had real bad luck with these things,
but Rico begged, so she agreed. 

9:24 Angle came out and cut an in-ring promo where he
kept accidentally saying really gay things about his
upcoming rematch with Rey, like "I'm a man and you're
a boy and I love playing with boys--wait, no, I
mean..." etc.  He is a master.  I attempted to chant
Angle! when the rest of the crowd was chanting "You
Suck" but I was losing my voice at this point.  Angle
also said that Benoit had better not laugh at him ever
again.

9:28 Angle/Rey
This was naturally a really exciting match.  Rey got a
couple of really close two-counts.  I thought that Rey
won the match with a roll up at 9:37 and wrote it down
before realizing it was just a two count.  Then, when
Rey was set to do the West Coast Pop, Angle countered
with not just a running top-rope toss like he usually
does, but a running top-rope Angle Slam, and got the
pin at 9:39.  This kicked all kinds of ass.

9:41 T-Shirt catapult time again.  My wife reminded me
that Flanders' wife was killed by a T-Shirt catapult.

9:44  Benoit/Rikishi
Benoit gives Rikishi the Electric fucking Chair!  Can
you believe that Benoit had Rikishi on his shoulders
like he was giving him a piggy back ride?!  Then he
went for the flying headbutt, but Angle has a beef
with both contestants in this match, so he pushed
Benoit off the turnbuckle to give Rikishi the DQ
victory at 9:50.  Then Angle went to attack Rikishi as
well and got a superkick for his trouble.  Angle
rolled out of the ring, then Rikishi went to give
Benoit a stinkface.  Benoit was about to escape, but
Angle captured his arms from outside the ring, sort of
like a ring-post surfboard, and prevented him from
avoiding his fate. 

9:56  Backstage skit.  Benoit and Matt both invaded
the GM's office.  Steph told Matt he can wait till she
hears Benoit out.  Benoit wants Angle at Unforgiven,
and Steph was more than happy to make that match.
Whoo!  Matt wants Taker, and Steph was confused,
saying that Taker already has a big match at the PPV.
Matt clarified that he wants Taker tonight, and Steph
said you got it. 

Meanwhile the ring crew were decorating for the
commitment ceremony. 

10:00 Billy and Chuck's commitment ceremony
I'm really disappointed with my fellow Minnesotans.
Chuck's proposal in Green Bay got about half cheers
and half boos.  I've been telling everyone that it's
no surprise they are doing this in Minnesota since we
are notoriously open-minded about such things.  As it
turned out, my wife and I, and a couple of women we
saw in the audience who also had "Billy loves Chuck"
seemed to be the only pro-Billy and Chuck voices, and
we were drowned out by the booing.  As disappointed as
I was with the reaction, I was even more disappointed
with the way the angle was handled.  Then again, I
guess there's no point in trying to have gay babyfaces
if they're just going to get booed.  Anyway it was
hard to follow what was happening over all of the
booing, but here is what I could piece together of it.
 Rico came out and bitched about the details of the
arrangements for the ceremony.  Steph and a weird old
man that was apparently the officiate came out.  Three
young ladies came out to sing "It's Raining Men" which
Billy and Chuck entered to.  Billy and Chuck were
wearing tuxes with red cummerbunds with their names on
them.  Either dico nostalgia or the coolness of their
cummerbunds turn the crowd briefly pro-Billy and Chuck
for the only time that night.  Barely audible over the
booing the officiate began the ceremony in a creaky,
fake-sounding voice.  When he got to the part everyone
was waiting for, "Does anyone object?" who did we get?
 The freaking godfather and his stupid-ass "ho's".  He
got a huge pop from my moronic fellow Minnesotans, of
whom I am ashamed.  Godfather said, what's up, I know
you two are straight.  Billy and Chuck gave him the
"Who me?" expression and Rico told him to get lost.
The ceremony continued and they got to the point of
"Billy do you take Chuck?" and Billy froze.  The crowd
started huge "Just Say No" chant, drowning my attempts
to chant "Say I do".  Rico said that this is no time
for cold feet, Billy said that this wasn't supposed to
go this far, this was just a publicity stunt, I'm not
really gay.  I yelled "Yes, you are!"  Sorry, Billy,
but you ping the gaydar of everyone I know.  Maybe
we're all crazy.  Chuck said, "yeah, what he said."
Then the officiate pointed out that this commitment is
for a lifetime, not a year, or a week or even...
three minutes.  "Did I just say... three minutes?"
Then the officiate pulled off old-age make-up to
reveal that he is actually Eric Bischoff, and Rosey
and Jamal rushed in and helped Rico attack Billy and
Chuck and do the patented three-minute beatdown on
Steph.  No, I'm not making this up.  The whole thing
was just a ploy for Rico to sneak Eric into Smackdown!
and make his switch to Raw seem like a big deal.  Then
the Smackdown locker room, both heel and face, in a
touching show of unity, rushed the ring and ran off
the interlopers.  Angle went immediately to Steph's
side to check on her condition, in the only cool part
of this, other than the cummerbunds.  Then Billy and
Chuck were helped to the back to the cheers of the
crowd.  They are apparently now straight and babyface.
 How boring.

10:24 They kill time while taking down the wedding set
by playing the "My Sacrifice" video.  This is a new
version with newer footage mixed in and it is the
worst version I have yet seen.  Previously, "Desire"
videos concentrated only on passionate and emotional
moments, like wrestlers hitting big high spots, or
selling great pain, or celebrating a title win.  This
version was just a mixed up highlight reel with no
theme at all, including stupid stuff like stinkfaces.

10:32  Torrie/Nidia
Torrie won by pinfall.

10:36 Backstage skits.  Undertaker told Sara he'd be
right back.  Matt asked Paul and Brock if they are
ready to come to the ring with him. 

10:41  Undertaker/Matt
Undertaker and Matt seemed to be having a nice little
match.  Then they showed Paul entering Sara's room on
the big screen.  Taker looked up to sees what's going
on and then took off to help her.  Matt won by
count-out at 10:46!  That's the main freaking event!

On the big screen, we saw that the dead man was
intercepted by Brock's steel chair.  Then Brock
menaced Sara, then they left.  End of show, I guess.


After the show (I presume):
Since the show was over, it was apparently decided
that we no longer needed to pretend to hate Brock,
even though he glared menacingly at a pregnant woman
only moments before.  Brock and Paul returned to
ringside.  Matt bragged about "beating" the
Undertaker, and suggested that he ought to be the
number one contender, but that for now Brock was his
new best friend, and he went to shake Brock's hand and
got the F5 for his trouble.  Big cheer.  Then Brock
stole Taker's bike and rode out of the arena on it.
Another big cheer.  That's all folks.

Well the last hour sucked, but I enjoyed the Velocity
taping and the first hour of Smackdown! so it wasn't a
total loss. 

I hope you print this, Rick!!  Thanks!!

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
BROWSE THE OO ARCHIVES

Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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