by Rick Scaia  
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Big time thanks to Adam, whose report follows:

The Air Canada Centre was 90-95% filled, with some upper bowl sections (camera-side, or course) blacked out. The crowd seemed stoked before the card began. The festivities got under way with, surprise surprise, the overplayed Desire Video of Champions Past and Present, or whatever the heck you call it. Pops for Andre, Hogan, Bret, Owen, boos for Kurt Angle. Some things never change. They need to do a 'Desire' video for Earl, so we can get all of those "You Screwed Bret" chants out early.

The programs were horribly outdated: apparantly, Ric Flair still owns RAW, HHH is on SmackDown!, Mr. Perfect, Shawn Stasiak and X-Pac still have jobs, the nWo never disappeared and Hollywood Hulk Hogan is still around ... it made for some very confused kids in the stands, let me tell you.

The Velocity lights are up: time for some dark matches!

Bull Buchannan and Redd Dogg (OVW) vs. R.C. Hass and Mysterious Jobber #1 (possibly Sky?) As usual, you can't hear anything the announcer says early on. The hot Toronto crowd broke into the first "Go Leafs Go" chant, oh, 30 seconds or so into this snoozer. These guys are very green (we're talking KFC coleslaw green) and certainly worthy of nothing better than the opening spot. R.C. Hass gets Bull to tap out to a leglock submission at around the 5:30 mark.

Scott Vick vs. Anonymous Toronto Jobber #1 (with "Textbook" on his tights). Scott Vick looks like a cross between Mike Awesome and Al Snow - a big, awkward guy with really bad hair. The fans agreed with my opinion of the man, starting the "Haircut" chant. The Toronto guy looked to be 4-5 inches shorter and about 50 lbs. lighter than Vick, which essentially spelled out how this one was going to end. Vick with a bulldog-type move endes this one, went a bit long for my tastes.

Shelton Benjamin vs. The Big Valbowski (with the first pop of the night). Out of all of the green talent seen so far, Benjamin seems to have it together the most. Shelton pulled the never-seen-before "let me shake your hand so I can clothesline you" trick that only 12,000 or so people at the A.C.C. saw coming. A few blown spots made for a fairly unspectacular match - Val gets the armbar submission victory.

Out come Marc and Michael - KICK THAT PYRO!

Tajiri vs. Smackdown #1 Announcer, Sho Funaki (with a BIG pop). The crowd quickly turned on Tajiri, and cheered on Funaki. (Yes, we're backwards. Vince should have expected as much.) A solid, fast paced back-and-forth match. Tajiri was countered out of the Tarantula, but managed to land the Handspring Elbow and the Big Kick Of Discomfort for the pinfall win at the 4:00 mark.

Albert (with natural wool sweater) vs. Anonymous Toronto Jobber #2. Albert does his best to rile the crowd up pre-match, questioning our health, fitness levels and committments to personal hygeine. The "shave your back!" chants didn't take long. Again, the jobber was a good 4-5 inches and 50-60 pounds smaller than Albert, and got totally smashed to pieces. Hint: try to string more than two moves together before celebrating. After the match, Albert returned and Baldo Bombed the kid, just for kicks.

Marc and Michael leave, so our final dark match is:

Shannon Moore vs. Crash Holly. STAR POWER! This match may have looked good on paper, but to me it was a snoozer. Crash gets the eventual pin, kneeling through a sunset flip attempt and grabbing the ropes for leverage. Bleah.

The ring crew bribe us with T-shirts while the SmackDown! ring apron is unveiled.

D'Von and Ron Simmons cut the umpteenth anti-Canada promo before last week's recap and the intro rolls. Gee, wonder who's losing the tag match?

SMACKDOWN! PYRO! YEAH!

Edge (with POP!) and Rey Misterio (jr.) (with POP!) vs. Reverend D'Von and Ron Simmons (with yawns). This match was extremely short, but for what was there it was almost a spotfest. Rey misses an early 619 attempt, and gets beaten around by D'Von. Hot tag to Edge, who cleans house. Rey lands the 619 but gets the West Coast Pop countered. Ron gets speared for his troubles and one Edgeacution later, your winners are Edge and Rey (4:00 or so).

Eddie and Chavo run in and leave Edge and Rey laying for their troubles. Those pesky troublemakers!

Tajiri, dressed as a referee, is being interviewed by Funaki. He's the referee of the next match:

Jamie Noble (without Nidia) vs. Nidia (without Jamie Noble) in a Boyfriend vs. Girlfriend match. Just horrible. The same story line - Jamie gets some offense but can't bring himself to really hit Nidia. Nidia tries to take advantage but gets pinned at the 2:00 mark. Both of them get upset and Tajiri and double-team him. Tajiri is left laying while Jamie and Nidia do that trailer-park make-out thing.

Cut to the back - it's Undertaker! And he's THINKING ABOUT STUFF!

Tough Enough 3 promo: "DON'T WASTE MY TIME!" sez Al. Gee, that's exactly what *I* was thinking...

Taker again. He said that he did have a relationship with Tracy ... seven years ago, before he was even married. (Groan.) He thinks that Paul Heyman and Brock may have put her up to her coming out with this (SMACK! as my hand strikes my forehead.) There's gonna be hell to pay at No Mercy.

No Mercy promo. OOOOH!

John Cena cuts a short promo - Kidman better get used to losing. Sure - just don't try to powerbomb him...

WWE Smack of the Night - Kidman taps to the Crossface.

John Cena vs Billy Kidman. The lack of heat for this match is making me shiver. Cena is playing the arrogant psuedo-heel here, Kidman seems to be along for the ride. They trade some offense, with Cena nailing a beautiful standing vertical suplex (a la Davey Boy Smith) ... with a leg squat thrown in for that extra humiliation factor. Yikes.  Apparantly Cena has not learned that "You Can't Powerbomb Kidman (tm)" and pays for it. Cena gets the eventual pin with a rope-assisted backslide at the 6:00 mark.

Steph is shown backstage giving Tracy her marching orders.  Paul begs Steph to consider requiring Taker to lose the cast before the Hell In The Cell match at No Mercy. Steph says she'll consider it...

Brock vs. Chuck (?!?) - NEXT!

The Scorpion King - now on VHS and DVD. Crowd says "BOOOOOOOOO!"

Backstage, Taker argues his side of the story with Steph, gets ticked and smashes a poor innocent lamp to pieces with the cast. That'll really get you over...

Brock Lesnar (with Paul Heyman) vs. Chuck Palumbo. Brock mauls Chuck. Not worth recapping - F5 at the 6:00 mark. Speaking of Mark, out comes Taker who busts up Brock with the cast, and manages to maim a few officials as well. We launch into a "Taker! Taker!" chant. (must be the Hogan factor...)

Torrie Wilson has another near-dad encounter backstage. She'll see him after her match, and receives some flowers. Touching stuff here.

Dawn Marie and Matt Hardy, Version 1.0 vs. Rikishi and Torrie Wilson. Some fast-and-furious tagging leave us with Dawn Marie vs. Rikishi. Ouch. We chant our approval of this match with "HLA! HLA!". Total snoozer of a match. The end comes mercifully at the 4:30 mark when Matt rolls over a Dawn Marie-Torrie small package and Dawn Marie gets the pin. Post match, Matt gets stinkfaced.

Brock is livid backstage as he's bandaged - he wants the cast OFF at No Mercy!

WWE No Mercy trick-or-treat commercial! "Hi Pete..."

Backstage, Eddie and Chavo find Chris Benoit alone in his locker room with the lights off. Lights go on, and Eddie wins the Oscar trying to convice Benoit (who merely stares) that the attack from last week wasn't his doing. Eddie goes from offended, to crying, to totally RUDO, and Benoit doesn't flinch. Hilarious, classic moment.

More free T-shirts! whoopie

Paul goes BACK to Steph's office and complains some more. Steph says she'll make her decision later. Paul goes bananas. Steph doesn't care.

Backstage, Benoit stares down Kurt Angle. Another funny segment - first Kurt thinks Benoit is staring at his medals, then he thinks that Benoit thinks that he had something to do with the attack last week. Kurt says if he was going to do it, he'd do it face to face. He also says that the 'take a year off to train for the Olympics' theory is hogwash - he doesn't *NEED* a year to train. Great stuff there.

WWE - Don't try this at home!

Backstage again, Torrie finds out that the flowers she received were intended for Dawn Marie ... and then, finds her dad (fully clothed) in the shower with a (possibly) naked Dawn Marie. She understandably is a bit disturbed by this scene.

Kurt Angle (with POP!) and Chris Benoit (with OVATION) vs. Los Guerreros (with lukewarm reaction). Pre-match, Edge and Rey run down and take out Eddie and Chavo. Kurt and Benoit then go after Edge and Rey, and get beaten down for their troubles. All hands are whupped before the bell rings! Eddie and Kurt start the match. Eddie gets the better of Kurt for a while, then Benoit comes in. He's working STIFF tonight, let me tell you. A mild "Ben-oit (clap clap)" chant breaks out. Benoit gets a quick Crossface in, but Chavo interrupts. Benoit plays Ricky Morton for the next little while. He gets double-teamed, and we start a "WE WANT ANGLE!" chant. Yes, we're weird. HOT TAG to Angle, who cleans house! Clotheslines and suplexes and near-falls: oh my! Rolling german suplexes and a swan dive headbutt from Benoit get a 2.9999999 count. Eddie nails the Frog Splash on Kurt, Benoit makes the save. The ref gets bumped, and an El Paso Lasso gets reversed into an anklelock. Chavo offers a chair to Benoit, thinking he'll smash Kurt with it. Wrong, as Chavo gets clubbed. Angle slam, and Benoit and Angle face Edge and Rey at No Mercy (13:00).

Steph's announcement - IN THE RING - NEXT!

Tough Enough 3 ad! Bleah.

Trish 'Desire' / soft core porn video. Crowd very disinterested.

Scorpion King DVD! "BOOOOOOOOO!"

Tazz stalls for time doing a No Mercy "who will win" survey. Bor-ing...

Steph comes out, and calls out Brock and Paul. After playing Judge Judy, she decides that the cast is LEGAL. Brock disagrees, preventing Steph from leaving the ring. Creepy moment when he backs Steph into the corner, and moves close to her, smelling her hair, etc. Out comes Taker who is greeted with a spinebuster and cast stomp. Paul gets in a shot as Brock leaves the ring. Paul goes in for another shot (with Brock up the ramp) and gets busted open for his trouble. Brock eventually leaves Paul to fend for himself. After puttering around a bit, Paul gets chokeslammed and is left laying in the ring.

Paul gets mic'd ... the conversation went something like this:

Paul: "ow..."
Us: "WHAT?"

"Ow ... WHAT? ... ... ow ... WHAT? ... .. ow ... WHAT? ... ... ... ow ... WHAT? ... [repeat 10 times] ... I ... WHAT? ... I ... WHAT? ... I hate Canada." Hilarious. As he crawls up the ramp, the argument continues: "I think you suck." "@$$hole, @$$hole" "People from New York are not @$$holes." Funny as hell.

For sure, they'll have to juice the volume, as we were pretty quiet for most of the card. Certanily not an off-the chart SmackDown!, but not terrible (and definitely not as bad as RAW has been lately). I'd recommend giving it a watch this Thursday, for the Eddie-Benoit antics and the main event tag match. As for the rest of the card, your mileage may definitely vary.

And if you're keeping track for record keeping purposes, there were some matches taped on Monday for the International-only version of Heat.  They were: Mark Jindrak and D'Lo Brown defeating Raven and Steven Richards... and William Regal beating Spike Dudley.  In presumed-dark matches, Test and Justin Credible got wins. 

Remember, if you miss these shows in their as-aired form, just make sure to log a visit or two back here to OO for analysis and coverage... 

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA  
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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