by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Everybody else: hit BACK now and avoid the spoilers.

Here are the results from WWE's upcoming TV shows, compiled from various e-mail reports:

WWE Sunday Night Heat
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

• Raven and and Mark Jindrak both beat unidentified jobbers... one or both of these matches could have been a dark match
• Molly Holly beat Jacqueline
• Steven Richards beat Johnny the Bull Stamboli

WWE Velocity
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Saturday)

• Funaki beat Crash Holly
• Torrie Wilson beat Nidia in a match where both girls wore bikinis
• D-Von and Ron Simmons squashed some unidentified guys
• Albert beat Chuck Palumbo

WWE SmackDown!
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Thursday)

• Rikishi defeated Matt Hardy fairly easily to kick off the show.  But when Rikishi did his post-match dance routine, the just-traded Big Show ran out and attacked him. Show proceeded to put all of SmackDown! on alert, specifically calling out Brock Lesnar.  [Oh good god, please no!]
• Stephanie McMahon hit the ring to award a big shiny trophy to the first ever SD-exclusive WWE Tag Team Champions.  But of course, once Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit hit the ring, they each want to take credit for the win, and each want possession of the trophy.  It gets physical, and Steph eventually books Angle vs. Benoit for tonight's main event.
• Jamie Knoble beat Tajiri in a PPV rematch.  Tajiri was over as a babyface because (a) he got a pre-match, in-house-only promo with Jerry Lawler and (b) Knoble wrestled in an Elvis costume.  When in Memphis, these things work.  Knoble's won the short-but-good match with an assist from Nidia.
• Undertaker hit the ring to cut a big promo.  He admits that the better man won inside the Cell, saying that he's wrestled hurt and won before, and that Brock Lesnar just plain beat him.  Big Show came out, and tried to take credit for the state of physical deterioration Taker's in (they feud -- what? -- two years ago, and that's why Taker couldn't beat Lesnar?).  Eventually, when Taker turns to leave, Show attacks from behind, finally slamming him off the stage through some equipment below.  Taker does the stretcher job, and his headed for a brief vacation (to address some health issues and be with his pregnant wife).
• Edge and Rey Mysterio beat Eddie and Chavo Guerrero in what was described as the Match of the Night.  Mysterio pinned Chavo following the usually coup de grace.  
• John Cena beat Billy Kidman.  Good action, but Cena failed to get the crowd riled up with his new heel persona.
• In a backstage bit, Al Wilson split from Dawn Marie.  Dawn gave Al a big ol' smooch for the night's Awkwardly Bad Acting Moment.
• In a match that was also described as extremely good, Chris Benoit beat Kurt Angle.  Great action, leading up to a finish where the ref and Benoit were both kinda out, allowing the Guerreros to attack Angle.  They got out of the ring, and Benoit came around and (unknowingly) took advantage of the beat-down, pinning Angle.  When Angle got back up, he went berzerk, pissed off that Benoit took advantage of help from the Guerreros.  Benoit is confused, and stands by while Angle trashes the big trophy.  The SD! broadcast probably ends here, but they also did a bit for the live crowd in which Eddie and Chavo get back in the ring with Benoit to run out Angle, and try to convince him to rejoin them.  When they claim that, together, they could dominate SmackDown!, Brock Lesnar came out to a moderate pop and takes 'em all out, telling us that he is the master of SD!.

I'm not sure about putting the Big Show where they're putting him... but if nothing else, SD! sounds like it's got two more outstanding matches for us to enjoy.  Which is more than can be said for Monday's RAW.

Check it out on Thursday night... 

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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