by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

But if you don't want to know more than that, just hit BACK and watch the damn show for yourself on Thursday night.  Otherwise, we move ahead to Spoilers, as compiled from various e-mail reports:

WWE Sunday Night Heat
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

• (Sean O'Haire cut a promo and wrestled a dark match, furthering speculation that he'd be landing on RAW.)
• Rico beat a local worker
• Tommy Dreamer beat Chris Nowinski
• Batista squashed the hell out of Spike Dudley
• Sgt. Slaughter (!) beat Steven Richards in a match that the fervently pro-USA Washington crowd loved despite its pure crappiness

WWE Velocity
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Saturday)

• (Nathan Jones did a dark match here, further confirming that this will be his roster when he finally debuts on TV.)
• Nunzio beat Funaki
• John Cena beat a local worker
• Bill DeMott beat a local worker
• Edge beat A-Train in a bigger-than-usual Velocity main event

WWE SmackDown!
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Thursday)

• Rey Mysterio kicked off SD! with a win over Jamie Noble.  Really fast/good 5-6 minute match, which Rey won after 619-ing both Nidia and Noble, setting up Noble for the West Coast Pop and the pinfall.
• The Rock appeared on the big screen and said some devilishly pro-Tampa, anti-Philly things to ensure the crowd was against him.  Then he made some fun of Hulk Hogan and his 1-800-COLLECT commercials and promised that even though he's still The People's Champion, he'd do what he had to do to win at No Way Out.
• Rikishi basically squashed Nunzio, and after the match, he danced.  Nunzio got on the house mic, and accused Rikishi of "disrespecting" him by dancing after the match, and promised to bring somebody to the Fed who would put and end to that.
• Paul Heyman hit the ring for a promo, and lowers a huge box (gift-wrapped to the Undertaker from the Big Show) into the ring.  Taker shows up to find out what's going on, and for his troubles, he is surprised to find Brother Love (his first manager) inside the box.  Love urged Taker to find the love to forgive Big Show, but after several funny-but-pointless minutes (much like last week's singing telegram bit), Taker just beats the hell out of Brother Love, laying him out with the Last Ride.
• Backstage: Hogan arrives, and bumps into Brock Lesnar.  Lesnar gave Hulk a "Welcome back," but then chuckled when Hogan walked away.
• Billy Kidman beat Matt Hardy in another good 5-6-minute-ish match.  Kidman won it with a roll-up out of nowhere, which seemed to stun Hardy, who proceeded to throw a tantrum at the announcers' table.
• Backstage: Kurt Angle gave a big pep talk to Team Angle, again taking advantage of the cheap heat that comes from mocking a recently-defeated hometown play-off football team.
• Team Angle beat Los Guerreros to win the WWE Tag Team Titles in a really good match.  Paul Heyman (not Kurt Angle) was at ringside with them here, and was instrumental to the finish.  Heyman distracted and prevented Eddie Guerrero from hitting a Frog Splash that would have ended the match, allowing Charlie Haas to pin Chavo Guerrero for the upset win.  Nothing but raves for this one.
• Hulk Hogan came to the ring to cut a promo, but before he could say word one, was interrupted by The Rock on the FistTron.  Rock said he hoped Hogan had something better to say than all that "Say your prayers, eat your vitamins crap" and that he was just gonna sit back and let Hogan talk now.  But every time Hogan started talking, Rock would quickly jump in to tell us how bored he was.  This got the fans hot.  Eventually, Rock decided to go off and do some Hollywood thing or another, leaving Hogan to promise the typical doom and gloom for Rocky at No Way Out.
• Backstage:  Sean O'Haire (so much for that RAW rumor and the dark match and all, eh?) approached Brian "Spanky" Kendrick to talk him into doing something wacky.  Apparently, "Spanky's" gimmick is that he's easily pursuaded...
• A-Train beat Shannon Moore in a match that would have been a squash, except that they stretched it out so that it could be the back-drop for Kendrick running around butt-naked doing the streaker bit from that new Nike commercial.  He ran around the ring one-time, and eluded officials by dashing off through the crowd; then later in the match, he returned, and did the flag pole thing from the commercial (just with a ring post, instead) before again escaping.  Crowd got a huge kick out of it.
• Backstage: Spanky continues to elude officials by ducking into an office... and comes face-to-face with Stephanie.  He says he's really happy to meet Steph.  Do you need me to tell you that the punchline is Steph glancing downward and saying "I can tell."?  I didn't think so...
• John Cena did a rap on the entrance stage, the upshot of which was that he challenged Brock Lesnar to a one-on-one match next week on SD!.
• Kurt Angle beat Chris Benoit in a match that was announced as non-title.  The night's second really good match, with tons of counter-wrestling and even some blood (from Benoit).  For a change of pace, this Angle/Benoit showdown ended with a pinfall, with Angle winning clean following an Angle Slam.  After the match, Angle feigned respect for Benoit, and offered to shake his hand... Benoit accepted, only to be suckered in and attacked by all of Team Angle.  Edge came down and tried to make the save, but was ineffectually.  Only when Brock Lesnar ran out did the babyfaces make a comeback and fend off Team Angle.  This week, it sounded like Lesnar's run-in was intended as part of the broadcast, so maybe we're headed to a six-man match at the NWO PPV (which is doable, since Hogan/Rock will probably headline)...

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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