by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Wake up, pleasantly hung-over, remember, "Ah, the Reds are playing the Cubs, so the game will be on WGN."  Flip over when the game starts, and they're showing the fricking White Sox.  Strike One.  So I'm listening on the radio, and as is my custom, I usually can't just sit and give 100% attention to the radio, because as good as Marty and Joe are, it's still fricking RADIO, and I need something to occupy about another 20% of my brain so I don't feel completely useless.  Play some guitar at first, then decide, "Well, maybe I'll hop on the ol' internet there."  Haven't been over to UDPride.com in a while, so I check it out.  COACH PURNELL IS GOING WHERE?!?  This is how I find out the Dayton Flyers' coach is leaving?  Friday, he's doing interviews about next year at UD, Saturday, ESPN has him already locked in at Clemson?  You better believe that's Strike Two.  Oh, hey, there's Marty on the radio, saying he's just heard the news about Purnell; Marty, who does ACC basketball games on radio, opines that Coach Purnell is leaving a better job at Dayton than he's moving into at Clemson.  I love you, Marty.  In a manly sort of way.  Back to the internet, making some Fantasy Baseball moves; Reds are losing in the background.  WAIT, WHO'S DOWN IN CENTER FIELD?  NO, NOT GRIFFEY!  AARRRRGGHHH!  So now the Reds are without their best player for two months, and even worse, now any idiot who can operate a telephone can call in to sports radio shows to talk about how Junior is NOT the best player on the Reds, and is in fact, the worst thing ever to pass through Cincinnati.  Jeter going down earlier in the week I could stomach (hey, the guy's got more World Series rings than he has career trips to the DL, he was due), but Junior really could have used a break this season after his bad luck previously.  Strike Three and I am out.

And then the Reds lost, of course.  Strike Four.  And Marquette, the only team in the Final Four I had any sort of interest in (mainly because Dayton beat them, and thus, if Marquette had won the National Championship, UD could have claimed, by virtue of the Dick Vitale Transitive Theory of College Basketball, to be the Super-Duper Ultra Champions of All Space and Time), goes and gets waxed by about 40 points.  Strike Five.

Oh, and that was the night where we set the clocks ahead for Daylight Savings Time, thus causing the loss of one hour out at the bars, and then (after finding another bar, one that obeys the SPIRIT of the law rather than the letter of it) the eventual loss of an hour of precious, precious sleep.  Sleep, that's where I'm a Viking.  That doesn't have anything to do with sports, per se, but it's still sucks: Strike Six.

Rambling like an idiot like this might go as Strike Seven, but frankly, I'm the umpire here, and I know how little worthwhile rasslin' talk there is to do today.  So I'll let the stupid rambling slide; this is probably the most entertained you'll be all column.

Read on, you'll see:

• It hasn't exactly happened over night, but it certainly seems easy to call RAW the more exciting of the 2 flagship WWE shows right now...  I'd hate to pin it on one guy, but if you sort of think back to when The Rock jumped over from SD!, that's pretty much when RAW started picking up the pace.
   
  And while you may resist the urge to credit the Rock with all of RAW's success (mostly because if you do that, then you have to dread what happens in a month or so when he's gone), you'll probably have to grant that tonight's show is one that'll rely heavily on the guy, and that, given his recent performances, is not a bad thing.
   
  Rock's smack-dab in the middle of a feud with Bill Goldberg, one that should blow-off in three weeks, just in time for the Rock to head back to Hollywood (or rather: to take a quick vacation before going back to whatever location at which his next movie will be shot).  Because you don't want to give away too much too soon, and because I don't actually know for sure how much there is to give away, I half expect that we'll see Goldberg continue to give off the strong-but-silent vibe, while Rock does most of the talking/taunting.  Hell, I'd even be up for a one night return of Gillberg; what DX did with a midget Hitman, the Rock could do with Gillberg...  or maybe that's a gimmick that we should hold back for the Jericho/Goldberg feud that I expect the internet will suddenly remember that it's been dying to see for years once the Rock is gone?
   
  Midgets and Gillberg aside, Rock/Goldberg should make up a substantial portion of the "sellable" content of the show tonight.  That's because Steve Austin's current storyline has him off TV indefinitely; I know it's my feeling that there's a whole lot of people going overboard in a "new work" sort of way here, but there are actually people saying that Austin's off TV for a while.  Personally, I had this figured as a way to shift Austin into a less-active, but still regularly-appearing role, like what Shawn Michaels is doing...  maybe we'll find out tonight exactly what Austin's role in the company will be.
   
  Austin becomes somewhat expendable -- well, not really expendable, but you can let him take time to stay healthy and all that -- due to the influx of talent on RAW.  By "talent," I mean "persons who perform on TV," and am making no critical evaluation of the skill level of said performances.  Goldberg debuted last week, and it's widely expected that Kevin Nash will arrive very soon.
   
  If it's to be this week for Nash, they've got the perfect place for him:  Shawn Michaels and Booker T will be teaming up to take on Chris Jericho and Triple H.  Since it's Michaels' MO to work a bona fide, full-scale wrestling match on the order of about once a month, I don't think we'll have to wait to long before this tag match degenerates into a schmozz.  Ric Flair will give the heels an edge in manpower (Christian could even join in), leading to an unfair beat down...  when all of a sudden...  well, you figure it out.  I'd been advocating Nash come back as Jericho's heel bodyguard (half-asskicker, half-lackey, same sort of vibe he had before breaking off as a huge babyface from Michaels in '94), but this looks like a custom made spot for a reunion between Michaels and Nash (setting up Nash/Michaels/Booker vs. Jericho/HHH/Flair at the PPV).  Again, it looks like Nash will be reprising elements of the Diesel character, if not going by that gimmick name, when he returns.
   
  Other stuff:  Kane tried to break up his tag team with RVD last week, but instead found himself winning the tag titles with RVD, which could set up some interesting twists... you've also got the Dudleys not seeing eye-to-eye (Bubba is willing to stay in Chief Morley's pocket, D-Von is not)...  I'm sure we'll find out that Trish has no love for either Victoria or Jazz (Heat last night seems to point to a feud with Victoria, but I thought she was heading out for knee surgery), but against all good judgment, does have some for Jeff Hardy...  will Maven's Impressive Winning Streak against 3 Minute Warning Continue?  Will anyone care?  Would they be better served to just give Maven a tag partner so that these matches against 3MW might actually mean something in the grander scheme?  Should that tag partner be someone other than the very obvious choice, Al Snow?  (A: Who cares?  See previous answer. Yes.  Probably not.)
   
  Check out RAW tonight or come on back to OO tomorrow for full RAW coverage and Satire, too.
   
  
• Kurt Angle confirmed on Friday's "Byte This" that he's definitely opted for Dr. Jho's alternative neck surgery, and that he is very confident that the doctor will deliver what he promises: namely full recovery in 8 weeks, with less chance of future surgery than you'd risk with traditional fusion surgery.
   
  They didn't discuss this, but I believe Angle's surgery is scheduled for this Friday, which means you'd be looking at his PPV return in July.  [He could almost certainly return in a non-wrestling capacity much sooner, but would probably not be cleared to work at match at the May PPV; and June's as yet untitled PPV is slated to be the first RAW-exclusive PPV.]
   
  
• Goldust was also on the same "Byte This"... and if he was in full character on the Howard Stern show, you KNOW he was doing the full-on quasi-Tourrette's thing for the WWE smark show.  If you sat through the twitching and stuttering, you were also once again treated to another reprise of Goldust's Stern appearance: he ripped hard into his ex-wife Terri (apparently, she's shallow and wears too much make-up, among other things).
   
  I half want to say this is just a worked thing (not even necessarily as a thing that they want to use to spark a TV storyline, maybe it's even just a rib or something)...  the fact that a year ago, it was a friendly, cordial relationship with Terri that smoothed Dustin's return to the then-WWF makes it hard to believe things have soured this badly.  Plus, you want to believe that Dustin knows enough that airing dirty laundry in this fashion can't be helpful to anyone, least of all himself and his ex-wife as they try to raise a daughter.
   
  
• Roddy Piper was also making rather dubious statements over the weekend.  A radio interview with Piper included claims that Piper was first invited back to WWE last year while he was doing promotion for his book, but that he turned them down because he'd heard, second-hand, about the corpse-raping and what-not, and would not be associated with such a crass product.
   
  Then, he claims, he noticed earlier this year (what, in the middle of the Al Wilson debacle?) that WWE was cleaning up its act, apparently all because of Roddy's high standards.  So he reconsidered, and when he was invited to WrestleMania, he accepted.  At WM19, he claims, he got in the ring, and nobody knew what he was going to do, not even himself, because he had such dislike for both Vince and Hogan; the shove to Hogan and lead pipe to Vince was, apparently, a total shoot, and his compromise.  He didn't say much about this week's return of Piper's Pit, other than to say that the return of the segment was integral to his decision to come back, because it affords him the opportunity for free speech (oh, lord).
   
  In talking about his two NWA-TNA appearances (one live, one taped), he again presented his actions there as totally unscripted shoots.  His hatred for Vince Russo was what motivated him to show up, and Piper suggests that his statements towards Russo are the reason why Russo is no longer in an on-air role for TNA.  
   
  So, see what I meant about that cogent, witty Piper from 15-20 years ago not being in evidence lately?  I guess it's possible this is all part of a cold, calculating scheme by Piper to get under the skins of smarter fans... but I fear it's more likely that this is just a self-serving twist on the old-school "protect the business" mindset that will fall flat with today's average fans and out-right insult the internet-reading smart ones.
   
  I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for the best on Thursday night...  but am also secretly bracing for disappointment.  Oh, wait, maybe not so secretly, now that you mention it...
   
  
• Bret Hart's Calgary Sun column this weekend was really interesting...  mainly because it was, by a wide margin, the most openly complimentary he's been towards the WWE/F since probably about 1996.
   
  Hart really put over Angle/Lesnar, sounding like he was penciling it in as his match of the year, already.  He also had a lot of praise for Booker/HHH, Austin/Rock, and even Michaels/Jericho.  The overall vibe of the article was very positive, with Hart talking about how much WM19 represented an improvement in the direction of the WWE product and how much it reminded him of what he loves about the wrestling business.
   
  Check it out right here, and let your imaginations run wild.
   
  
• Yes, the OO Forums are broken.  I don't know exactly how or why, but things went haywire, I think on Saturday at some point.  Sunday when I checked in, at any rate, they were not working, and I'd gotten some e-mails to that effect.  I tried to fix them myself, and only made things worse.
   
  So now, I'm just sitting back and waiting for my service provider to do a full restore from a Friday (or earlier) back-up.  We may lose a day or so of messages, but hopefully, things will at least get back to working correctly.  I have no idea when I'll finally get them to hop to it, but hopefully things won't be busted much longer than today.
   
  
• Umm, on Friday, I failed to mention that the Girls Gone Wild founder guy was arrested last week on various charges related to drug possession and taping underage girls taking their tops off.  And over the weekend, I stockpiled a number of e-mails from people helpfully pointing me towards the news...
   
  Usually, I try to stay away from being an outright dick, but you know, like I said above, there's not a lot else today.  So let me just say there was a reason I didn't put it in Friday's column, even though I'd seen it on Yahoo's newsticker just like the rest of you.  And there's a reason why I won't go into it today.
   
  Because it's got nothing to do with wrestling.  Any substantive ties between WWE and GGW were severed shortly after that PPV last month; there was little chance that that co-promotion was going to develop into more than a one-time thing.  Whatever remaining ties Eric Bischoff has to GGW are simply as a producer of TV events: they are outside the scope of his participation in WWE and also have nothing to do with the alleged wrong-doings by GGW.
   
  Look, I'm all for fun tangents that don't have a whole lot to do with wrestling.  Stuff that maybe isn't news itself, but helps set a context for understanding what's going on.  Stuff that is just funny or entertaining as a total non sequitur.  I may not be 100% consistent when applying the filter here on OO, but generally, I try to stick to things that actually, you know, matter.  [Sports-ranting and drinking-ability-ranting aside; I do that for character building and promoting the gimmick of the fictionalized, one-dimensional "The Rick"!]  So it annoys me that there's this mindset that says something like this Girls Gone Wild thing should be a headline news item on a wrestling site.  Or hell, should even be mentioned at all.  I guess other places will do that for you, and I know that a lot of you dig that; but I wanted to get off my chest why I didn't feel obligated to "report" that particular "news" item last week.
   
  
• On that rather pissy note, I think I'll go away now.  See you Wednesday with Spoilers and other mid-week news!  Including the story about the guy who sort of new a guy who used to work at the print shop where the one-color inserts for WWF in-arena programs were printed back in the early 80's getting arrested for illegally removing the tags from his mattresses.  Exclusive and only on OO!

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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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