by Rick Scaia  
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

WCW Clash of the Champions --/-- August 6, 1995
NFD Review Originally Published August 8, 1995

I haven't seen a WCW PPV in -- oh -- years now. I hardly ever watch their stuff when it's on TBS. I never watch it when the syndie is on here on Saturdays. But for some reason today, I had forgotten exactly why it was that I had instituted these policies to begin with. So with 3 non-stop hours of WCW "action," I felt there was no better time to put myself through the semi-annual torture of watching World Championship Wrestling. Plus, I really wanted to see just how awful the Andre's Son angle was. It's the sort of thing you actually have to see to believe.

Those of you familiar with my incredibly detailed and amazing insightful WWF show reviews, relax. This will be nothing like those. I barely remember who "wrestled" tonight, much less the actual details. What you will get instead is a very vague stream of consciousness type thing in which actual names of "wrestlers" may or may not be used.

Also, as I've stated in the past, I do not advocate the blind use of the "Star System" to rate matches. From today forward, when I watch WCW and report on it here, I will use the "Hot Poker Up the Ass System." The gist of this system is that after each match, I will tell you how many times I would be willing to have some pervert ram a red hot poker up my ass under the stipulation that I am allowed to forget that I wasted my time watching the "match" I just watched.

For those of you out there who are not math majors (or who just flat out have some sort of cognitive disability), this means that the larger the number, the worse the "match" I just viewed. In this case, the best WCW offering would have a Hot Poker Up the Ass Coefficient of 0. Meaning that I didn't actually mind what I just watched too much, and that it certainly isn't worth getting a hot poker shoved up one's ass. Pretty simple, huh?

Here goes....

For starters, my three hour torture actually begins with the Main Event, the little Sunday Night show I usually do my best to avoid. As if the fact that I am watching WCW isn't enough, I get tortured further by having to listen to Dusty and Savage on color for this first hour...

First match is Johnny B. Badd vs. Big Bubba Bossman. "Not bad, on paper," I hear you saying. Guess again, Potsie. Even though I've been dismayed to see the obnoxious JBB get better in the past couple years (I would rather he suck so badly that his gimmick would disappear, never to be seen again), and Bossman has always been a fairly interesting big man to watch (somewhere just below Bam Bam Bigelow, but above Mantaur.... you figure it out), these two found a way to make me flip back to make sure my beloved Giants were going to hold on to their 19-0 lead over the hated  Cleveland Browns. In the end, the Browns third string QB came in and led his team to two quick scores that had me worried for a bit. Luckily, the Giants 3rd string QB came up with just enough to put together a steady enough drive to eat the last 4 minutes of the game up, and cement the G-men's victory. Even if it was just the preseason, it is nice to see my team looking like they want to win. In between watching the much more exciting football game unfold, I see enough of Bubba and Badd trading restholds (with bits of JBB prancing around scattered throughout) to make me switch back to the game. Luckily, I am back on TBS when Badd scores a pinfall win over Bubba with a body press. Bland finish to a bland match. And why the hell would you have Bubba do a job for Badd? Is JBB really getting that pushed? And has Bubba really slipped that far from 1994's headlining status?

Hot Poker Coefficient: 1 (the chance to watch parts of the football game made the time spent less painful)

After this, the Nasty Boys face off against a pair of masked "jobbers." At least, with my not paying attention very much, they came accross as jobbers. After a not-very-long match, the Nastys win, and decide to unmask the jobbers. The announcers recognize them as the "Tequilla Brothers" (or some such nonsense that I really didn't catch), an infamous tag team that has been barred from many countries in the civilized world. Also, they have been barred from Mexico. Or so I hear. I didn't get a look at the unmasked jobbers, so I can't say if I recognized them or not. Either way, I hate the Nastys, and wish they would join JBB in going away, never to return. 

Hot Poker Coefficient: only 2 (the very end of the Giants game was still on....)

Next, yet another match that looks OK on paper. Marcus Bagwell vs. Brian Pillman. However, where as the WWF put together a match between a highly talented flier who has been dogging it lately (the 1-2-3 Kid) and a steadily improving mid-carder (Roadie) and wound up with both guys really trying hard and giving us a super match, here the talented, but dogging it guy (Pillman) and the improving midcarder (Bagwell) didn't try even half as hard. There were a very few interesting spots, and Pillman actually did a couple of moves off the ropes (which he's been skipping lately, since I guess putting on that beer gut may hinder his aerodynamic tendencies). But they did way, way too many utterly boring restholds in between the good stuff, and didn't do enough good stuff to keep me from going out and fixing a sandwich. This watchable, but still mildly disappointing match came to an end when they did that double cross-body (as done by Bam Bam and Tatanka many, many times), with both guys looking like they got knocked out, but with Pillman landing on top. He gets the pinfall win, and does go over to shake hands after the match. 

Hot Poker Coefficient: 0 (I wouldn't want my dinner to be interrupted by the discomfort of a hot poker....)

Last match before the Clash officially starts is Hogan facing Kamala. Oooooooooh...... I can't tell you how good this looks on paper. And yes, it was every bit as bad as one could fear. Typical Hogan tripe, with Kamala's utter lack of discernable skill thrown in for effect. End came with Hogan doing the big boot/leg drop combo, but then being distracted by Sullivan. He goes over to accost Kevin, but the whole Dungeon of Doom (except the Giant) come out to attack Hogan. Savage, who had been on color, dives out of the booth and joins Sting in saving Hogan's sorry ass. Thanks, guys....

Hot Poker Coefficient: 7

Now, the Clash proper begins, and while we do take a huge step up in the color category (as Bobby Heenan takes over), we must still suffer through Schiavone on play-by-play. Oh well.

First Clash match is Hawk/Sting vs. Meng/Kurasawa. Whoopee. WWF goes over to Japan, and finds Hakushi, who they bring back to let the fans see just how great Japanese wrestlers can be. In the on-going WCW policy of doing whatever Vince does, just to see if it might work, they go over and nab this Kurasawa character. This guy can show us just how boring Japanese wrestlers can be (see frequent WWF visitor Tenryu for a good example). WCW can't even copy good ideas right. Yes, everyone worked stiff, which is a nice change of pace on a WCW show, but there is little interesting about stiff punches and kicks. Especially when Hawk is no-selling most of 'em. Speaking of which, Hawk was TERRIBLE tonight. He was lethargic, not to mention discombobulated. Nothing he did landed right, and I swear he looked drugged when you got a look in his eyes. There appeared to be some difficulty in getting the  finishing spot called, as Sting and Hawk didn't appear to be sure of what he or the other was supposed to do to set up the end. Finally, Sting got Meng out of the ring, then he and Hawk did the old Doomsday Device clothesline finisher and pinned Kurasawa. The guest from Japan recovered quickly, though, and immediately pretending to break Hawk's arm. Really, it was nothing more than an armbar, which he pulled back quickly on. But it did not look at all like anything that would be as bad as Heenan and Schiavone were saying. Hawk did an over-the-top (i.e. "Lame") job of selling the arm as medical assistance arrived.

Hot Poker Coefficient: 4 (boring.... boring.... boring....)

I think Diamond Dallas Page vs. Alex Wright was next. Have I mentioned in the past 6 months that the Diamond Doll is the best reason to watch WCW? Probably only about a dozen times or so... but I'll say it again. And you know what's cool? I'm starting to dig Dallas' shtick. I think he's really a lot better in the ring, and his interview style/gimmick are great. He and Kimberly outgha to hightail it outta WCW.  The match was just about what you'd expect. Wright annoyed the hell out of me, as I see no signs that he is vastly improved (as some here insist). He obviously has some gymnastic skills, or something, and is able to fly. But he misses landings, he works soft, and gets tired WAY too easy for a guy who is supposed to be a good worker. Page wins when he sidesteps a Wright leap out of the ring, then goes on the offense; Wright may have had a quick comeback in here somewhere, but before too long, Page finishes him off. Thank god. Wright can get unpushed into a JttS role right now for all I care.

Hot Poker Coefficient: 0 (even though they didn't show the Doll enough, I'd much rather get a glimpse of her  than do the hot poker thing)

Next... ummm... I think it was Renegade/Orndorff. If so, I have nothing other to say except: It Sucked. Renegade won with a cross body out of nowhere after getting his ass kicked for about 4 minutes by Orndorff, all the while, the camera insisted on being close enough to Jimmy Hart that we could all hear his pedantic drivel as he cheered the Renegade on. Ugggghhh. 

Hot Poker Coefficient: 13

Even though I have the oddest feeling that I am forgetting something, I will proceed to the next match, which, to the best of my foggy recollection, was the 6-person tag match, with Sherri/Harlem Heat vs. Buck/Slater/Parker. As soon as the ran the history package (which was my first and only info on this feud, I turned to my brother and said, "I bet the match ends when Sherri attacks Parker and kisses him to death." When asked what the hell I was talking about, I clarified, "When Sherri goes to kiss Parker, Parker will fall back and be pinned." If you care, I was exactly right. I kind of like the Heat, but I could not get into this match. The whole time Heat and Buck/Slater were trading on and off, you knew it didn't matter, because the pay-off would obviously come only when Parker and Sherri were in the ring. So the actual teams were half-assing it, and that made for a mighty long and boring stretch. Finally, Sherri tags in and does a brief heat segment on Parker, before missing a top rope splash. Parker, despite the prodding from his men, cannot bring himself to kick or stomp Sherri. She gets up, sees him, leaps on him and wraps her legs around him, dropping him to the mat. While she proceeds to give Parker a big smooch, the ref counts 3. Afterwards, Sherri looked like she was trying to chase down Parker to kick his  ass, although the announcers made it sound like she was trying to track him down for more amorous reasons. I don't get it. Boring match, and I have no idea where the story is going.

Hot Poker Coefficient: 4

Now, we have a Hogan interview. He is babbling as I am getting a cold beer out. I hear something about the Irish or something... then I hear Hogan talk about how sad and/or scared McMahon must be. I wasn't following the flow of the interview, but it was obviously a poorly contrived potshot at Vince. I hope that Titan has the good sense to have a "Blast from the Past" match on all their shows for the next 3 weeks, all with over-dubbed commentary. Let's see, my three picks: Hogan vs. Warrior (WM6), Hogan vs. Undertaker (Surv. Series '91), and Hogan vs. Yoko (KotR '93). Har har.

BTW, even though I know it is only Vince that is listening and not our dear, dear friend Terry Bollea, I just want to say: Hogan, you suck. Here's a quarter, go buy a clue.

Thank you, drive through.

And Hogan trying to insinuate some kind of supremacy over Titan when he knew full well what was coming up is absolutely disgusting. Why? Because what was coming up, was actually Hogan in the Dungeon of Doom.

Here's how it goes. Sullivan and "Father" are talking. "Hogan is going to perish, blah, blah, blah..." Finally Hogan comes in and start raving about his usual crap. "The future of Hulkamania is etched in stone. I am immortal. Blah, blah, blah..." Before I can figure out if Hogan is actually so talented as to be able to improv such absolute garbage, or if he's reading it off a cue card, "The Giant" comes in. Okay, so he's tall, and they gave his a kind of Andre haircut. And it seems like he might be trying to talk in a toned-down Andre accent. And in the middle of his ramblings, "I am the true immortal, because I am the son of a Giant," he reaches out and tears the crucifix off Hogan's chest. For those of you who do not have the 1987 Piper's Pit where Andre confronts Hogan for the first time etched in your head like I do, let me remind you that the only other time this has happened to Hogan was in 1987 when Andre confronted him for the first time in Piper's Pit. This time, however, Hogan does not bleed (thanks heavens.... lest he be fired for being so uncouth!). 

What does happen is that the rest of the Dungeon comes out from whatever dark corner they were lurking in to attack Hogan. Luckily, Vader is just offstage, and rushes in and throws what are absolutely the worst looking "punches" I have ever seen. Obviously, the segment was pre-taped, and they probably did multiple takes, and treated it more like a movie than a wrestling interview, and Vader was at his Hollywood best, making sure to miss by a good 4 inches on each blow. Finally, he has cleared the room of bad guys, except for the Giant, who is impervious. While the Giant and Vader are glaring at each other, Sting/Savage/Hart show up and start dragging Hogan away. Vader joins them. The Giant is left menacing the camera as we fade to black. Can you say, "Painfully Lame"? I thought so....

Hot Poker Coefficient: Four Score and Seven to the Nth power (where "N" is the number of times I visibly cringed while watching this... you do the math; this number is way too big for me)

Last match (and not a moment too soon) was the Vader vs. Flair/Anderson handicap match. I thought, "Well, at least we may be able to end on a good note." Once again, I thought wrong. Flair and Anderson are 2 of the great Horsemen who ruled not more than 2 years ago (and Anderson did give the 4 Horsemen salute, quite possibly for the last time, on his way to ringside), and together, they get in virtually no offense on Vader. Not that it matters, since Vader no-sells just about everything, except for a DDT by Arn and a Spinebuster by Arn. FWIW, the announcers were making it clear that Arn was the only one succeeding with getting in offense on Vader. After Vader does approximately one cool move (a top rope splash), he puts Flair out long enough to powerbomb and pin Arn. Flair, upon recovering is not happy with Arn for getting pinned. But the announcers make sure that none of us viewing at home miss the point that ARN WAS THE ONE WHO ACTUALLY GOT IN A COUPLE SHOTS ON VADER WHILE FLAIR WAS LOAFING AROUND. This is about how subtle they were. The argument does not end in blows, but Flair does leave the ring in disgust before the two long time friend can settle anything.

Hot Poker Coefficient: 5 (why put 3 such talented guys in the ring, only to have them suck so badly? Oh, wait, I forgot this was WCW....)

All in all, I am pissed I missed the Simpsons for this crap.  One good thing came out of the evening: I have something to hold over the heads of all the Cleveland Browns' fans I have to deal with around here. At least, till the real season starts.

But I can rest easily, as I now remember quite vividly just why it is that I don't watch any WCW at all. And I won't be repeating this mistake again, for -- oh -- probably another 8 months or so. Let's fact it: idiots like me never learn.

Now where did I put that hot poker?

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA  
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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