by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Compiled from e-mail reports, here are the results of the rest of the week's WWE TV:

WWE Sunday Night Heat
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

• Dark matches: Maven, Mark Jindrak, and Frankie Kazarian were winners over an unidentified jobber, Aaron Aguilera (ex-Conquistador), and another unidentified jobber.
• Lance Storm beat the Shawn Michaels protege Lance Cade with a Sharpshooter.
• Val Venis kept 3MW on a losing streak, pinning Rosie cleanly after a money shot.
• Spike Dudley and Tommy Dreamer got disqualified against Chris Nowinski and Rodney Mack, when Bubba and D-Von ran out and interfered.  Before the match, Nowinski and Teddy Long cut a promo together in which Nowinski revealed himself to be a "minority" (an exceptionally intelligent Harvard grad), and so Teddy took him under his wing.

WWE Velocity
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Saturday)

• Dark matches: Ultimo Dragon beat Shannon Moore via submission, and Billy Gunn beat a local UPW guy.
• Sean O'Haire beat Spanky Kendrick clean, via pinfall.
• Crash Holly beat Orlando Jordan.  Crash actually need an assist from fellow MF'er Shannon Moore to pick up the win.
• A-Train positively squashed Funaki.  Dammit.  Then, for no apparent reason, Bill DeMott came out and decided to start telling really bad jokes.  This angered the A-Train, and we immediately moved to...
• Bill DeMott beat A-Train.  A veritable slobberknocker to be sure, won by DeMott after a few minutes via a roll-up out of nowhere.

WWE SmackDown!
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Thursday)

• Piper's Pit opens the show.  Roddy Piper and Sean O'Haire first welcome Vince McMahon down to the ring, and then get to their real guest for the night, Mr. America and a "special" kid, Zach Gowen.  Vince announces that if Zach wants a WWE contract so bad, he'll have to beat Vince in an arm wrestling contest next week to earn it.  If Zach loses, no contract, ever.  [Can you say "Kid America"?]  Then, as Sean O'Haire instigates Mr. America, Vince McMahon and Roddy Piper conspire to shove Zach on his ass to end the segment.
• Undertaker pinned Chuck Palumbo in a reasonably hot match to get the in-ring action underway.  Taker used the chokeslam to get the win, and then had to resort to using a steel chair to scatter the other FBI members when they tried to attack after the match.
• Los Tajiros beat the Basham Brothers cleanly in a pretty good match.  Where the Bashams lag behind Team Angle in terms of polished in-ring skill, they are actually ahead in terms of personality and charisma, so the crowd was pretty into this one.  Eddie hit a frog splash, then Tajiri hit a kick to the head for the win.
• Kurt Angle time:  Kurt came out to huge cheers all around.  He claims to have really missed being in the ring, and even missed hearing the "You Suck" sing-along.  But one thing has kept him focused the past few months, and that's a guy who came to visit him in the hospital, who was on the phone calling him everyday, and who became his friend during his lay-off....  And the Big Show's music starts up?  Oh wait, Big Show's not his new friend, Big Show out here to threaten to snap Angle's neck once and for all...  Angle says "Just bring it," in a few more words, of course.  So it looks like it's gonna be Angle/Show, with Show grabbing Angle's neck early when....  there's Angle's new friend, Brock Lesnar, out to make the save.  Angle and Brock get rid of Show, then sort of tease a stare down.  But finally Angle admits that Brock's the guy who kept on calling and visiting and that now he has much respect and admiration for Brock.  They share the Hug of Mutual Respect to close the segment.
• John Cena scored a win over Chris Benoit after a pretty tight, crisp match.  The finish had Benoit in control, so Cena decided to resort to his lock/chain.  That was enough to bring out Rhyno, who grabbed the foreign object from Cena and tried to use it against Cena.  Unfortunately, Rhyno misfired and hit Benoit by accident.  Cena was able to make the quick roll-up and get the three count.  Afterwards, Rhyno was apologetic and helped guide Benoit back to the dressing room.  [Don't look now, but it looks like they're squeezing all the jobs that they can out of Benoit, and after something like this, it just might be because they intend to turn him heel and get him a fresh start.]
• Rikishi and Torrie Wilson beat Jamie Noble and Nidia.  Just about what you'd expect: equal parts comedy, good work between Rikishi and Noble, and crowd only perking up for the girls.  Finish came after Rikishi took out Noble, delivered a Stinkface on Nidia, and then stood back while Torrie Wilson hit a neckbreaker to score the pin on Nidia.  And there was much line dancing afterwards.  So the thing with Torrie, Sable, and Tazz is dropped?  And just when it seemed like a wet t-shirt contest could not be far off....
• Backstage:  Vince is in Stephanie's office, and he's declaring that if Steph EVER signs Zach Gowen, she will be fired.  And just to make sure that Steph stays in line, he's appointing her a new assistant:  Sable.  Steph, quite reasonably, wonders what Sable's qualifications are, especially after she tried to bankrupt the company by suing them.  Vince says something creepy about her assets, and leaves.  OK, so this is just what the doctor ordered for Sable: a move into a program that requires more actual acting and less just standing around in a white t-shirt getting doused with water?
• Main event:  Rey Mysterio beat Matt Hardy to win the Cruiserweight Title.  HUGE pop for Rey, biggest of the night, showing that the Fed made the right move on holding this match back till they got to California and further more putting it on last.  Rey got off to a good start, but was short-circuited by Crash and Shannon Moore... so the ref sent the MF'ers to the back, eventually.  That left us one-on-one for a while, and Rey was right in it.  At one point, though, Matt was able to distract the ref long enough for the MF'ers to come back and hit a spot or two.  So Matt had to rally, which he did, to score the pinfall win following a 619/West Coast Pop combo.  Even bigger pop following the title change!  Unanimous match of the night, too.

Check out SD! tomorrow night on UPN, or at the very least, be sure to come on back here on Friday for full results and analysis.

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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