by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

You can wait till Thursday to find out about them, or just read on and spoil everything.  You nosy punks....

WWE Sunday Night Heat
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

• Val Venis beat Some Guy with the Money Shot; pre-match promo and post-match antics were probably more fun than the match itself
• Goldust beat Some Other Guy; after the match, Steven Richards (who had been doing commentary) came to the ring and superkicked Goldust
• Garrison Cade beat Yet Another Guy
• The Dudleys beat Rodney Mack and Rosie; despite Teddy Long and Chris Nowinski about ringside, the Duds hit Rosie with the 3-D for the win

WWE Velocity
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Saturday)

• In a dark match, Ultimo Dragon beat Some Guy; no idea why he goes from major TV debut to not-even-on-Velocity in one week's time....
• Jamie Noble beat Spanky Kendrick via submission
• Sean O'Haire (w/ no mention/signs of Roddy Piper) squashed Funaki
• Kanyon finally got a win, but it only came over Another One of Those Guys
• Matt Hardy beat Shannon Moore cleanly; afterwards, the two shook hands, so I guess Matt's got his MF'er back?

WWE SmackDown!
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Thursday)

• Rey Mysterio beat Nunzio to retain the Cruiserweight Title.  The other members of the FBI tried to interfere and were ejected early on in the match.  They returned later, only to have the APA appear to make the save.  In the chaos, Rey hit Nunzio with the 619 --> West Coast Pop combo for the win.  After the match, Billy Kidman (again, he'd been sitting at ringside) came into the ring, and raised Rey's hand.
• Backstage: Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar were hanging out, and they did some alleged comedy, which ended with Brock causing Kurt to spit up some of his milk on some girl.
• In the much-anticipated re-match from Velocity, Chris Benoit and Rhyno once again defeated the Basham Brothers (w/ Shaniqua) when Benoit made one of 'em tap out to the Crossface.
• Backstage: Stephanie first tries to get Vince to change his mind about tonight's main event, but to no avail.... this leads to Steph and Sable talking, and Sable tells Steph not to worry, because if anything happens tonight, Sable, as the Assistant to the GM, will be happy to take over the reigns of SD.
• Earlier today: Jamie Noble and Nidia did a little skit in which they are showing off their newfound wealth.  Nidia's got a fur coat (a perfect item for the dead of summer!), and Noble's got some fancy shades.
• Backstage: Undertaker is giving Orlando Jordan a peptalk when John Cena walks by and starts bragging again about how he's the legend of SD!, and so on and so forth.
• Billy Gunn defeated John Cena to advance in the US Title tournament.  Cena had the crowd mostly on his side with a killer pre-match rap; Gunn's cheers were mostly due to Torrie Wilson being with him, or so I was told.  Cena lost when Undertaker decided to make an unscheduled appearance at ringside.  The distraction allowed Billy to get the roll-up pinfall win.
• Backstage: now Angle and Lesnar are getting into a friendly competition... to see who can do the most push-ups.  Lesnar starts, and after a commercial break, finally craps out after just making it over 300.  Lesnar is winded and tells Angle, "Beat that."  Angle just laughs, and says, "No thanks," and says that Lesnar wins.
• The Best Damn Tag Team Period (Tom Arnold and John Salley?  Oh, wait, no...  Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin) beat Los Tajiros for the WWE Tag Team Titles.  Awesome 18-20 minute match by most accounts, and consensus match of the night.  Eddie cheated his ass off, but was outdone by Haas and Benjamin, who managed to beat Tajiri.  More fireworks came after the match, as a livid Eddie went loco and took his frustrations out on a spent Tajiri: Eddie suplexed Tajiri through the windshield of the low-rider in which the two had come to the ring.  Tajiri's back was sliced open, and he did a stretcher job.  Give Eddie Cena's place as the second heel in the US Title Final Four, pronto, says I!
• Backstage: Zach Gowen is getting ready for his match when Big Show lumbers in to do some taunting.
• A-Train -- strangely resurgent now that he's signed a new contract -- squashed Orlando Jordan.  Yee haw?
• Backstage: Show continues his Path of Rage by talking to Stephanie for a minute.
• Vince McMahon (w/ Sable) comes to the ring for a very important announcement.  You see, after SD! went off the air last week, the cameras kept on rolling. And you won't believe this, but Mr. America raised up his mask just a little bit, revealing....  HULK HOGAN!  So the video footage is apparently proof enough to overturn the previous lie detector test, and now both Mr. America and Hulk Hogan are banned from WWE forever.  I guess that's as good a way to write Hogan out for now as any; though there's still part of me that thinks keeping "Mr. America" around in a semi-comedic capacity, with others rotating in and out of the gimmick, could have been fun.  Also, Vince announces that at Vengeance, the main event will be a three-way WWE Title match: Brock Lesnar defending against the Big Show and Kurt Angle.
• In the main event, Zach Gowen pinned the Big Show to win a WWE SD! contract.  But it wasn't easy.  Since Steph didn't do a whole lot here, Zach got his ass kicked quite a bit for a few minutes (making Show look awesomely evil in the process).  But since this was announced as a No DQ match by Eric... um, I mean by Vince McMahon, some of the enemies Show has been making lately decided to get involved.  Both Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar came to ringside at about the 5 minute mark, and they hit Show with an Olympic Slam and an F-5, respectively.  When Gowen recovered, he took advantage, and hit a moonsault (!) on Show to get the pin.  Crowd was loving this.  Nothing extra for the live fans, really; just a celebration with Zach, Steph, Angle, and Lesnar.

Check out these shows as they air over the holiday weekend, or just come on back to OO for full results and analysis of each of them.
 
  
 
 

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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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